Day 18 Part I

Eighteen days since we sat together at The West. It's ubelievable how fast time is flying by, relentless and uncaring. A lot like how I see you these days. I woke up so tired, freezing cold, and it was so hard to get up for another week of school that I didn't want. My curls took some work to make look decent- ended up swirling them in a half-coif taped down with bobby pins. I didn't realize how hard the wind was blowing or I would have gone with something a little more durable. I pulled on my blue Tatuum sweater with the mother of pearl buttons - my dad had bought me it a long time ago, and I'd just found it again. It was loose on me, but still warm.
The Bonneville was all the way at the end of the lot. It was a very long walk in the cold, dark morning wind, lugging my heavy bag and limping along in my worn boots. The heels dug into my feet and my shoulder ached from the bag and the car seemed forever away. It was so cold. My ears were ringing and aching.
At least once I got in, the agony settled down quite noticeably. The car handles like a dream on the road. I played Begin Again via the tape cord and the speakers are really, really nice. The morning cold was chased away but my eyes were still an aching tired as I stared through the blur of lights on dark city roads.
Roadwork pooled traffic to a dead stop near the intersecting bridge of 44/240. I lost fifteen minutes of drive time crawling along. Next time, I'll get in the right lane for 240 Amarillo and then cut back in at the top. Because at that point, road work only lasted another 20 feet or so. Oh, well..... just had to speed, fighting the shuddering wind on the road, to make it to class in time.
I didn't want to ask the other teachers if I could come observe for them but i needed to. I have been a total coward about it, a real wimp noodle. I managed the courage to ask Mrs Knight, but Rachel is still teaching for her and I definitely don't want to waste my time listening to Rachel try to teach. But I need a break so badly. I'll have to see tomorrow if Mrs. Campbell will be teaching or if Nicole will still be trying her hand. Of course there is always Mrs. Doehman, even though I don't like her. I play with the idea of watching other classes besides straight English, but I"m so painfully shy I can't imagine trying to ask the teachers.
SAT testing got moved up a week. Mrs. Chambers wants me to help her with it.... so I lost my only other break for the rest of the semester. DANG.
I brought my prizes for my journalism class. Russian chocolate, sukhariki, and a two grivna bill. I hope they liked them. First hour was a disaster... Mrs. Chambers threw out like 21 referrals over my trying to teach. It was pitiful. I hate, hate, hate, hate yelling at them to be quiet so I can just talk. So many of them turned in articles that weren't even 1%. I was so frustrated and just... so weary. So empty of all this.
Katie had foot surgery over break and came in a wheelchair. That was interesting. Zane had an arm in a cast, and that was another big conversation piece. But most of the kids looked like me - maybe a new haircut, but weary and exhausted. Break wasn't fun for most of us. We were all waiting for summer to get here. Please, summer, please.
On campus I checked my mail for the first time since break - sure enough, I got hours. For my bed not made, which didn't make sense but... whatever... who cares about that 20$? I went up to argue about it with Kari but she was so vague it wasn't even funny. I got a little note from Bailey, which helped, but not much. I saw Tim coming through the Go Ye. He was staring me down with that judgmental, non-smiling look of his and I just looked away. Please, leave me alone.  I'm so tired of the hate.
I wrote out the invites to my graduation party back in the dorm because Kendon didn't want to go get the car. It was frustrating. As I wrote them out, my heart ached and bled with the flow of the pen onto the parchment. This was the paper from my high school graduation, which I also wrote out by hand... my special paper I'd used for my very first letters to you, last winter. The sharp difference was so harsh, I ached. How could it be possible? It still didn't make sense. How did you just hang around with Tim at church and not want to come over and talk to your Noelle? I don't get it.... I don't get it.... I don't get it....
Another week at work. Hopefully, with the double I worked on Thursday, this will help even hours out a lot. I need the overtime so badly. I hope to get extra hours in tomorrow, even though I'm also trying to work out as well. Maybe Mrs. Chambers will let me leave after second hour. Hmm. I can try.
It's sunny out, but freezing cold. Feels a lot of like. All the appearances of being fine, ready to graduate, moving into shift leader......
... but the reality is a freezing wind of hurt and confusion and exhaustion.
I need to read my Bible on the way to work today. I am so overwhelmed.