Day Twelve

I fell asleep before I could get up and go see you, because my body was so thoroughly exhausted and still weak from the weekend. When I woke up, Kayla was leaving to go to work. It was 4:30 but I didn't have to leave until 6:30, so I rolled right over and buried myself under the blankets. Saber was a warm, heavy limp pressure against my legs and that's the last thing I remember.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy? 

I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.