Eighteen days since we sat together at The West. It's ubelievable how fast time is flying by, relentless and uncaring. A lot like how I see you these days. I woke up so tired, freezing cold, and it was so hard to get up for another week of school that I didn't want. My curls took some work to make look decent- ended up swirling them in a half-coif taped down with bobby pins. I didn't realize how hard the wind was blowing or I would have gone with something a little more durable. I pulled on my blue Tatuum sweater with the mother of pearl buttons - my dad had bought me it a long time ago, and I'd just found it again. It was loose on me, but still warm.
The Bonneville was all the way at the end of the lot. It was a very long walk in the cold, dark morning wind, lugging my heavy bag and limping along in my worn boots. The heels dug into my feet and my shoulder ached from the bag and the car seemed forever away. It was so cold. My ears were ringing and aching.
At least once I got in, the agony settled down quite noticeably. The car handles like a dream on the road. I played Begin Again via the tape cord and the speakers are really, really nice. The morning cold was chased away but my eyes were still an aching tired as I stared through the blur of lights on dark city roads.
Roadwork pooled traffic to a dead stop near the intersecting bridge of 44/240. I lost fifteen minutes of drive time crawling along. Next time, I'll get in the right lane for 240 Amarillo and then cut back in at the top. Because at that point, road work only lasted another 20 feet or so. Oh, well..... just had to speed, fighting the shuddering wind on the road, to make it to class in time.
I didn't want to ask the other teachers if I could come observe for them but i needed to. I have been a total coward about it, a real wimp noodle. I managed the courage to ask Mrs Knight, but Rachel is still teaching for her and I definitely don't want to waste my time listening to Rachel try to teach. But I need a break so badly. I'll have to see tomorrow if Mrs. Campbell will be teaching or if Nicole will still be trying her hand. Of course there is always Mrs. Doehman, even though I don't like her. I play with the idea of watching other classes besides straight English, but I"m so painfully shy I can't imagine trying to ask the teachers.
SAT testing got moved up a week. Mrs. Chambers wants me to help her with it.... so I lost my only other break for the rest of the semester. DANG.
I brought my prizes for my journalism class. Russian chocolate, sukhariki, and a two grivna bill. I hope they liked them. First hour was a disaster... Mrs. Chambers threw out like 21 referrals over my trying to teach. It was pitiful. I hate, hate, hate, hate yelling at them to be quiet so I can just talk. So many of them turned in articles that weren't even 1%. I was so frustrated and just... so weary. So empty of all this.
Katie had foot surgery over break and came in a wheelchair. That was interesting. Zane had an arm in a cast, and that was another big conversation piece. But most of the kids looked like me - maybe a new haircut, but weary and exhausted. Break wasn't fun for most of us. We were all waiting for summer to get here. Please, summer, please.
On campus I checked my mail for the first time since break - sure enough, I got hours. For my bed not made, which didn't make sense but... whatever... who cares about that 20$? I went up to argue about it with Kari but she was so vague it wasn't even funny. I got a little note from Bailey, which helped, but not much. I saw Tim coming through the Go Ye. He was staring me down with that judgmental, non-smiling look of his and I just looked away. Please, leave me alone. I'm so tired of the hate.
I wrote out the invites to my graduation party back in the dorm because Kendon didn't want to go get the car. It was frustrating. As I wrote them out, my heart ached and bled with the flow of the pen onto the parchment. This was the paper from my high school graduation, which I also wrote out by hand... my special paper I'd used for my very first letters to you, last winter. The sharp difference was so harsh, I ached. How could it be possible? It still didn't make sense. How did you just hang around with Tim at church and not want to come over and talk to your Noelle? I don't get it.... I don't get it.... I don't get it....
Another week at work. Hopefully, with the double I worked on Thursday, this will help even hours out a lot. I need the overtime so badly. I hope to get extra hours in tomorrow, even though I'm also trying to work out as well. Maybe Mrs. Chambers will let me leave after second hour. Hmm. I can try.
It's sunny out, but freezing cold. Feels a lot of like. All the appearances of being fine, ready to graduate, moving into shift leader......
... but the reality is a freezing wind of hurt and confusion and exhaustion.
I need to read my Bible on the way to work today. I am so overwhelmed.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Day 17
It was raining when I got to the apartment, late at night. Working the Z-Rack in the freezer left me so cold that my bones were shaking, and the wind whipping the rain felt like fire on my skin. I ran to the apartment. I had a fortune cookie from the Chinese that said, "You are a good person, generous and loving to others." It made me so sad. I stuck it by the odometer, because no one else wrote me notes anymore. I didn't have anyone to tell me I was a good person... just a stupid fortune cookie....
Inside, I embraced the warmth of the heater. Kayla had left it on. I stretched against the blankets and felt... so fatigued... so discouraged. Taylor Swift's new song Begin Again played lonesome through my head. I know you are into jazz and oldies music, but I'd missed my Taylor Swift. Her voice is so exqiusite, and her guitar so sweet and soft, and her lyrics are so true to how I feel. The part of the song where she says, "I've been spending the past 8 months, thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end..." Those words haunted me. Break. Burn. End.
I fell asleep to those words.
When I woke up, it was 6:30. the room was so blissfully warm. I fell asleep, woke up, back and forth again, but this time it was out of comfort and warmth. I finally just got up, packed, and went to the gym. I worked out, took a long hot stone shower, and spend forver on my hair and makeup. It was WAY too cold for my tiny sheer mint dress, but I didn't ahve anything else and I really wanted you to see me in it with my chocolate boots and new tan. My only regret was that I didn't have new sporty blonde hair.
I sang along to Begin Again on my way to pick up Angie. We were running late. Kendon texted, he was running late. I texted Gabby - she was running late. It made me laugh. What a group!
We ended up all taking a row to ourselves, complete with Bailey and Kendon's old roommate CJ and my two Russian girls Zhenya and Yulia. I saw you sitting right above me, but as soon as i had that first glimpse, I refused to look again. No way. Not after what you have done to me. Gabby peeked for me and said you were sitting with Tim. I didn't care. We left right away for lunch, and I didn't care what your plans were. You didn't want me to care. I was tired of being rejected.
We went to Charlestons on Meridian and SW20th. I had the chicken avacado club sandwhich and I about died!!!!! I twas hands down the best sandwhich I've ever ever had. The had a chicken-strawberry-pineapple salad that looked so good I dream about going back with you and trying it...... Angie helped me out of my jacket so I could show off my nice tan arms. Sexy arms, she called them. I blushed.
Afterwards we went to Angies to grab her car so she could change. Chinese decor, her car, and cigarettes. I've decided I will never have a cat because everyone I know who has a cat smokes. It seems like such a dirty animal to me.
We drove to Red Cup. It's on Classen/36rd. It was just like cuppies and joe but... more "urban" Angie explained. More psycho is what I thought. Far too... hippie for my taste. At least Cuppies and Joe had nice soft couches and an old piano. This place was all crazy gypsy and hippie decor.
We talked about so much. She really thinks I need to move on. Usually I shut down when people tell me that, but I know she cares so much.
I had to rush to choir, listening to Begin Again on full blast in my ears. It was easier to live in Taylor's sweet, simple explanation of life than try to sort my own feelings and hurt and anger.
Choir was really nice. I sat next to Randi, who takes attendance. I really like doing practice before church because it helps gear me up for the message. I saw two of my kids in church! Katelyn and Zane. That made me so happy. I went to my car for a little baby nap before church, and Kendon woke me trying to find where I was. Usually I would be trying to check out your car, but I just went on in. Who cares were you were. You didn't want me to care. It was easier not to try anymore.
You were sitting on my row, talking with Gary. I about had a cow. What the heck!?!?! How was I supposed to get my stuff with you in the way? Politely ask you to move? as if a knife isn't choking my throat?!?! I tripped over my own feet and hesitated in the aisle. I know you saw me and chose to stay where you were. I went to go sit and talk with Joy. I wasn't about to give you the sick pleasure of knowing Ihad to wait for you. Joy was busy talking to a lady but i didn't care. I just wanted someone else to look at besides you. You in your stupid tan suit with your fancy hair, all social and sparkly.
I knew you were done when I saw you walking down the other aisle, looking at me all smug. Yeah, that's right Levi, walk down the opposite way just so you can try to attract me. Sure.
I went and put my stuff up and Gary didn't seem too happy with me but I didn't care. I'd claimed this row first. I noticed his girlfriend wasn't sitting with him. Hmm. I got on my phone texting no one in particular so that I wouldn't be sitting all alone. I knew you were up front socializing, and i kept feeling your eyes on me.
That's right, Levi. I'm ignoring you. Just like your stupid text messages. I'm done begging you to come back. I'm so done.
Time for choir.
I purposefully cut across to walk in front of you. I wanted you to have a full view of my curls, my jade jewelry, my flowing sexy dress, the soft boots against my tan legs. Maybe you'd even get a heady scent of my j'Adore perfume. I flounced by and didn't look at you. Read 'em and weep, Levi.
In choir, two ladies came up to tell me they were talking about me in choir because they liked my clothes. boots. watch. etc. One giggled, "Don't you like how we are really just into your clothes?" I tried not to show my annoyance. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Kayla was a Heartland grad, married, mom of a 1-year-old and her and her husband were pew sitting "waiting for God to call them." It was pathetic. she seemed nice. Melinda? I think? with short blond hair is the music teacher at CCS. The fat girl with half-Asian eyes didn't leave her name.
We walked out onto the platform and the lights hit me and I knew my belt was sparkling, my watch sparkling, my dress flowing, my curls shining. I put on a small smile and focused on the choir director. I could tell immediately you weren't in your usual spot. I didn't look for you, although my eyes did a nonchalant 180 skim of the building. Whatever.
It wasn't until congregational singing that i saw you, front row center with your new best friend Tim. You couldn't take your eyes off me, a fact that pleased me very, very much. But i forced myself to look above your head at th eback of the room, or over at oh-so-dark and handsome Lucas, or at the podium. I was so mad at you.
When we left the stage, I could have gone around the back. But I flaunted right across the front row, letting you have one more look at me in my best posture, a flowing march. Then I joined Kendon who whispered, "You are never getting back together with that jerk" and I wondered what you had done to him. Come on, Levi, don't make more battles than you can win!!!
I loved where you were sitting. so much better than the balacony. I had you right in my radar and I didn't have to try. You were goofing off during the sermon way too much. Whispering with Tim. Scratchign notes or quotes or doodles or something, trying to look all spiritual.
The guy who came up and spoke in Chinese recruiting missionaries to Taiwan annoyed me. You laughed like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I yawned. I could do that too, ramble off in a foreign language. Big deal. I wanted to slap you silly and then come kiss you breathless until your body was aching for me. I miss kissing you, the chemistry that molded us together beyond comprehension. Those mad, intense kisses that turned into so much more. you needed a good punch, and a dang good kiss.
The sermon was sooooo good. But it made me miss my dad's sermons so badly.
It was about leaving the alter if you haven' tmade things right, and I wanted to scream at you. See?!?!?! Missing church to try to make things right with you wasn't bad!!! It was right!!!! You would never see. you are so blinded by your hatred. The whole make things right... it resonated like a heavy blow. I knew I couldn't take the lord's supper because you hate me, and I can't fix it. I can't. You don't want it fixed. Over, done, closed..... your words constantly follow and haunt me.
Church ended, and I prayed long and hard.
God, help me. I haven't been perfect. I've messed up so much. I'mstruggling with so many emotions right now. Please, purge out the leaven. Keep my heart in a place where you can bring Levi back and do that something amazing you were doing.
But when I left, I didn't know wher eyou were or what you were doing. And I knew that you weren't going to fix things. They were never going to get fixed.
I drove home, and spent 8 trips bringing stuff in. I checked the bulletin board - apparently Hope won the dorm contest, and your dorm. Oh. So that's what you were up to, more than likely. Fliritng and living it up in the caff with your new stupid friends.
I trudged back and forth, then forced myself to unpack and organize. I was so tired. I wanted to escape to the gym, to the warmth of the tanning bed, to the space and freedom of brixton square. But I was trapped in this dorm with screaming girls.
I passed a group of 8 of them, my own domr mates, and none of them said hi. I have to be th eonly girl that can walk past 8 others on campus and not one of them say hi.
I felt so bitter.
After unpacking, Mandi wanted to talk. She is sweet and I missed her, but I just wanted to be alone.
School is almost over. there is so much of it left, but..... it is almost over. I have to try to hold on. I have so much homework done. But I'm just so so so tired.
I'm toning, and tanning, but I'm not losing weight. How will you see how badly you've destroyed me if I don't look skinny? I need to fast again. I need to do something.
I'm going to work on some homework until it's 1030, curfew, and then I'm going to go bury myself in sleep. I can escape tomorrow and not think about things. like that fact i still haven't paid my bill. And i don't know how i'm going to get it all paid off before i graduation.
Or like why the shift button my computer is sticking, so that I have to fight to type anything.
It's freezing cold in the dorms, and i get very depressed when I am cold. Cold and tired and alone.
Because you left me.
And all you taught me was that life breaks, and burns, and ends.
Ends.
Ends.
Inside, I embraced the warmth of the heater. Kayla had left it on. I stretched against the blankets and felt... so fatigued... so discouraged. Taylor Swift's new song Begin Again played lonesome through my head. I know you are into jazz and oldies music, but I'd missed my Taylor Swift. Her voice is so exqiusite, and her guitar so sweet and soft, and her lyrics are so true to how I feel. The part of the song where she says, "I've been spending the past 8 months, thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end..." Those words haunted me. Break. Burn. End.
I fell asleep to those words.
When I woke up, it was 6:30. the room was so blissfully warm. I fell asleep, woke up, back and forth again, but this time it was out of comfort and warmth. I finally just got up, packed, and went to the gym. I worked out, took a long hot stone shower, and spend forver on my hair and makeup. It was WAY too cold for my tiny sheer mint dress, but I didn't ahve anything else and I really wanted you to see me in it with my chocolate boots and new tan. My only regret was that I didn't have new sporty blonde hair.
I sang along to Begin Again on my way to pick up Angie. We were running late. Kendon texted, he was running late. I texted Gabby - she was running late. It made me laugh. What a group!
We ended up all taking a row to ourselves, complete with Bailey and Kendon's old roommate CJ and my two Russian girls Zhenya and Yulia. I saw you sitting right above me, but as soon as i had that first glimpse, I refused to look again. No way. Not after what you have done to me. Gabby peeked for me and said you were sitting with Tim. I didn't care. We left right away for lunch, and I didn't care what your plans were. You didn't want me to care. I was tired of being rejected.
We went to Charlestons on Meridian and SW20th. I had the chicken avacado club sandwhich and I about died!!!!! I twas hands down the best sandwhich I've ever ever had. The had a chicken-strawberry-pineapple salad that looked so good I dream about going back with you and trying it...... Angie helped me out of my jacket so I could show off my nice tan arms. Sexy arms, she called them. I blushed.
Afterwards we went to Angies to grab her car so she could change. Chinese decor, her car, and cigarettes. I've decided I will never have a cat because everyone I know who has a cat smokes. It seems like such a dirty animal to me.
We drove to Red Cup. It's on Classen/36rd. It was just like cuppies and joe but... more "urban" Angie explained. More psycho is what I thought. Far too... hippie for my taste. At least Cuppies and Joe had nice soft couches and an old piano. This place was all crazy gypsy and hippie decor.
We talked about so much. She really thinks I need to move on. Usually I shut down when people tell me that, but I know she cares so much.
I had to rush to choir, listening to Begin Again on full blast in my ears. It was easier to live in Taylor's sweet, simple explanation of life than try to sort my own feelings and hurt and anger.
Choir was really nice. I sat next to Randi, who takes attendance. I really like doing practice before church because it helps gear me up for the message. I saw two of my kids in church! Katelyn and Zane. That made me so happy. I went to my car for a little baby nap before church, and Kendon woke me trying to find where I was. Usually I would be trying to check out your car, but I just went on in. Who cares were you were. You didn't want me to care. It was easier not to try anymore.
You were sitting on my row, talking with Gary. I about had a cow. What the heck!?!?! How was I supposed to get my stuff with you in the way? Politely ask you to move? as if a knife isn't choking my throat?!?! I tripped over my own feet and hesitated in the aisle. I know you saw me and chose to stay where you were. I went to go sit and talk with Joy. I wasn't about to give you the sick pleasure of knowing Ihad to wait for you. Joy was busy talking to a lady but i didn't care. I just wanted someone else to look at besides you. You in your stupid tan suit with your fancy hair, all social and sparkly.
I knew you were done when I saw you walking down the other aisle, looking at me all smug. Yeah, that's right Levi, walk down the opposite way just so you can try to attract me. Sure.
I went and put my stuff up and Gary didn't seem too happy with me but I didn't care. I'd claimed this row first. I noticed his girlfriend wasn't sitting with him. Hmm. I got on my phone texting no one in particular so that I wouldn't be sitting all alone. I knew you were up front socializing, and i kept feeling your eyes on me.
That's right, Levi. I'm ignoring you. Just like your stupid text messages. I'm done begging you to come back. I'm so done.
Time for choir.
I purposefully cut across to walk in front of you. I wanted you to have a full view of my curls, my jade jewelry, my flowing sexy dress, the soft boots against my tan legs. Maybe you'd even get a heady scent of my j'Adore perfume. I flounced by and didn't look at you. Read 'em and weep, Levi.
In choir, two ladies came up to tell me they were talking about me in choir because they liked my clothes. boots. watch. etc. One giggled, "Don't you like how we are really just into your clothes?" I tried not to show my annoyance. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Kayla was a Heartland grad, married, mom of a 1-year-old and her and her husband were pew sitting "waiting for God to call them." It was pathetic. she seemed nice. Melinda? I think? with short blond hair is the music teacher at CCS. The fat girl with half-Asian eyes didn't leave her name.
We walked out onto the platform and the lights hit me and I knew my belt was sparkling, my watch sparkling, my dress flowing, my curls shining. I put on a small smile and focused on the choir director. I could tell immediately you weren't in your usual spot. I didn't look for you, although my eyes did a nonchalant 180 skim of the building. Whatever.
It wasn't until congregational singing that i saw you, front row center with your new best friend Tim. You couldn't take your eyes off me, a fact that pleased me very, very much. But i forced myself to look above your head at th eback of the room, or over at oh-so-dark and handsome Lucas, or at the podium. I was so mad at you.
When we left the stage, I could have gone around the back. But I flaunted right across the front row, letting you have one more look at me in my best posture, a flowing march. Then I joined Kendon who whispered, "You are never getting back together with that jerk" and I wondered what you had done to him. Come on, Levi, don't make more battles than you can win!!!
I loved where you were sitting. so much better than the balacony. I had you right in my radar and I didn't have to try. You were goofing off during the sermon way too much. Whispering with Tim. Scratchign notes or quotes or doodles or something, trying to look all spiritual.
The guy who came up and spoke in Chinese recruiting missionaries to Taiwan annoyed me. You laughed like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I yawned. I could do that too, ramble off in a foreign language. Big deal. I wanted to slap you silly and then come kiss you breathless until your body was aching for me. I miss kissing you, the chemistry that molded us together beyond comprehension. Those mad, intense kisses that turned into so much more. you needed a good punch, and a dang good kiss.
The sermon was sooooo good. But it made me miss my dad's sermons so badly.
It was about leaving the alter if you haven' tmade things right, and I wanted to scream at you. See?!?!?! Missing church to try to make things right with you wasn't bad!!! It was right!!!! You would never see. you are so blinded by your hatred. The whole make things right... it resonated like a heavy blow. I knew I couldn't take the lord's supper because you hate me, and I can't fix it. I can't. You don't want it fixed. Over, done, closed..... your words constantly follow and haunt me.
Church ended, and I prayed long and hard.
God, help me. I haven't been perfect. I've messed up so much. I'mstruggling with so many emotions right now. Please, purge out the leaven. Keep my heart in a place where you can bring Levi back and do that something amazing you were doing.
But when I left, I didn't know wher eyou were or what you were doing. And I knew that you weren't going to fix things. They were never going to get fixed.
I drove home, and spent 8 trips bringing stuff in. I checked the bulletin board - apparently Hope won the dorm contest, and your dorm. Oh. So that's what you were up to, more than likely. Fliritng and living it up in the caff with your new stupid friends.
I trudged back and forth, then forced myself to unpack and organize. I was so tired. I wanted to escape to the gym, to the warmth of the tanning bed, to the space and freedom of brixton square. But I was trapped in this dorm with screaming girls.
I passed a group of 8 of them, my own domr mates, and none of them said hi. I have to be th eonly girl that can walk past 8 others on campus and not one of them say hi.
I felt so bitter.
After unpacking, Mandi wanted to talk. She is sweet and I missed her, but I just wanted to be alone.
School is almost over. there is so much of it left, but..... it is almost over. I have to try to hold on. I have so much homework done. But I'm just so so so tired.
I'm toning, and tanning, but I'm not losing weight. How will you see how badly you've destroyed me if I don't look skinny? I need to fast again. I need to do something.
I'm going to work on some homework until it's 1030, curfew, and then I'm going to go bury myself in sleep. I can escape tomorrow and not think about things. like that fact i still haven't paid my bill. And i don't know how i'm going to get it all paid off before i graduation.
Or like why the shift button my computer is sticking, so that I have to fight to type anything.
It's freezing cold in the dorms, and i get very depressed when I am cold. Cold and tired and alone.
Because you left me.
And all you taught me was that life breaks, and burns, and ends.
Ends.
Ends.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Day 16
I woke up about six times to my alarm, to text messages, to the cold, to Saber barking, to the pounding headache and swollen eyes and throbbing throat. Saturday morning, and I was sick. More than sick, I was weak. Weak, trembling, throbbing. I felt like I had the strept that Landy had come down with. I kept going back to sleep... waking up, and going back to sleep.... trying to drown the symptoms with sleep. But the sleep wasn't restful and I'd wake up even more exhausted, headache even worse, feeling even weaker. I could barely lift my phone. My blanket was crushing my chest. My hair was wet and sweet with sweat, the back collar of my Levi's tee soaked as well. I rolled over and my stomach heaved with cramps. My legs were cramping up too, and I tried to flex my muscles but it left me breathless and trembling like a newborn fawn. Holy cow.
Around five pm I finally drug myself out of bed, only because Kayla would be home soon to Facetime Dre and I wanted her to have the space and quiet and privacy. I had huge, black rings around my eyes. Despite the consant suntanning, and I looked like someone had punched me. My hair was flat and sickly, too. My clothes hung off my body, a mix of bones and stubborn fat pockets. I stared at myself in the mirror and never felt more disallusioned. Of course you left me.
I touched my cheeks. Sun spot, born from the tanning. They reminded me of your freckles.... your sweet, angelic, boyish freckles. Mine were not so sweet and wonderful. They looked like even more blemishes on a face that would never be perfect, never be pretty enough.
I was so cold that I could barely dress. The jean skirt burned against my skin as I pulled it on, and the straps of my cami cut into my collarbone. The loose tunic was the only thing that felt gentle on my body, but provided no warmth. I cursed myself for the gazillionth time for not packing warmer clothes for break. Where was the warmth?! It had disappeared whever your love had gone...... into oblivion. I wrapped the shimmery gold scarf my mom had gotten me from Hungary around my torso and felt a little warmer, then struggled into the grey Bershka coat. My favorite coat, my "me" coat from that long winter alone in Kharkov. I was so un color coordinated it was ridiculous, but i didn't have anything warm that matched.
I pulled my hair into a loose bun and locked the door on my way out, not even sure where my makeup bag was, definitely not caring. My heart was so numb. Who would see me? Who would care?
I didn't know where to go.
I tried two car washes so I could send dad nice pictures of the car, but they were both closed. What in the world? It was saturday for crying out loud. I didn't want to drive far, I had such a limited supply of funds for gas. It was so cold, I didn't want to pull over and sit in the cold car.... I didn't want to go anywhere to eat.... I finally drove to chinese and then got a milkshake at chic fil A. I was supposed to be saving money but hey... who cares? I hadn't blown money on food in so long.
My milk shake spilled all over the inside of the car. I didn't have any napkins. I stared at the sticky, ooey avalanche and tried to suppress the trembling rage. Why did I even blow the money?!
I drove to Panera Bread because I had nowhere else to go.
I drove Hannah crazy in the drive through. She couldn't explaid the difference between the Thai and the Asian. I finally pulled up to the minute and everyone came to see who it was when she began throwing straws at me in livid relief. Seeing them all pile in the window, laughing and smiling to see me, I felt a huge sadness, a huge peace, a mess. Mary, Kendon, Gabby, Hannah, Daniella, Halle.... all these amazing people. There is where I belonged.
I pulled in, and walked into the warm and wonderful work of Brixton Square. Why hadn't I come directly here? The fire place was crackling. I grabbed a table and got myself a free soda, a free coffee, and then a free cinnamin roll. Everyone wanted to talk to me. I was coughing and my voice was raspy. Gabby had a big hug for me. Halle had just broken it off with her SWBC boyfriend. May wanted to talk about the GoldenDale puppy she found in the paper. Kendon just smiled and waved.
Mary said Dutch hadn't showed up. Again. Poor kid, I had liked him. We sat down and had a nice manager talk. I loved the feeling of being one of the parents here. I felt so old. It was odd.
I told her about you calling my dad, and I barely got out three words and she went crazy.
That means he still cares! Why else would he care about what your dad thinks? He knows that if he is ever going to have a chance with you again, he has to keep that door open!
I just looked at her, aching. Don't you understand? He just wants to feel like a perfect Christian. He doesn't want me anymore.
We talked about God's timing, God's goodness, and the upcoming easter holiday. The store was slow and I was so happy to be here, if happy was a possible feeling. Daniella kept my coffee full. I got out the newspapers, and my Bible, and opened my computer so I could see your sweet face and the last note you left me, and I had my new kind of Saturday, without you in it.
When I opened my Bible and flipped through it, I ended up at 2 Sam 13:15-19. It felt so much like us that I blinked back tears of hurt, of anger, of deadness. "Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying."
Be gone..... the evil in sending me away is greater.... she went on crying... he hated her greater than he loved her.
I kept turning the pages. This might be the story right now, but I wish it wouldn't be the story forever. Somehow, in the middle of my apathy, I still long to have a different story. Even though i may never be able to forgive you anymore....
I ended up in I Cor 7: 10-11, 14, 17, 20, 23-24
"And unto the married I command, ye not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.... [you're never supposed to walk away] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.... [because God can do bigger things when we are together] But as God hath distribututed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches... let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called... [walk in the same calling wherein we are called. there is no changing of God's will, just changing of our deceitful hearts... just Satan, not God] For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is the Lord's servant. you are bought with a price: be not yet the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. [abide, walk, in that calling. it's an active choice. it's a command.]"
Does it even matter? You left me. I'm alone tonight.
Like I told Kayla, the hardest moments are when I realized the reality that you aren't off by yourself. You're actively living in a life that purposely excludes me. You are choosing to be happy without me, and you are. You have a new life. New friends. You are probably hanging out with them tonight, you aren't just sitting in your dorm all alone. Probably listening to music, kicking it back, rolling around in Santanna, laughing it up, living it up, talking girlfriends, talking summer plans, your new clothes and hairstyles, your new heroes, how spiritual you all are, your sermons, who you're going to hang out with on Sunday who is going to ride with who, who is going where to eat, where everyone is going for easter sunday.
And I?
I sit here alone at Panera Bread. working on this stupid journal that no one, no one, never ever ever will ever read.
trying to pray.
trying to breathe without hurting.
trying to keep warm.
trying to do some homework.
trying to help out my store and do the Z-Rack.
trying to spend the last few minutes of spring break with any purpose at all.
But there is no purpose. Whether I sit here, go home, or just disappear into the black city night outside, there is no purpose.
Not for me.
Around five pm I finally drug myself out of bed, only because Kayla would be home soon to Facetime Dre and I wanted her to have the space and quiet and privacy. I had huge, black rings around my eyes. Despite the consant suntanning, and I looked like someone had punched me. My hair was flat and sickly, too. My clothes hung off my body, a mix of bones and stubborn fat pockets. I stared at myself in the mirror and never felt more disallusioned. Of course you left me.
I touched my cheeks. Sun spot, born from the tanning. They reminded me of your freckles.... your sweet, angelic, boyish freckles. Mine were not so sweet and wonderful. They looked like even more blemishes on a face that would never be perfect, never be pretty enough.
I was so cold that I could barely dress. The jean skirt burned against my skin as I pulled it on, and the straps of my cami cut into my collarbone. The loose tunic was the only thing that felt gentle on my body, but provided no warmth. I cursed myself for the gazillionth time for not packing warmer clothes for break. Where was the warmth?! It had disappeared whever your love had gone...... into oblivion. I wrapped the shimmery gold scarf my mom had gotten me from Hungary around my torso and felt a little warmer, then struggled into the grey Bershka coat. My favorite coat, my "me" coat from that long winter alone in Kharkov. I was so un color coordinated it was ridiculous, but i didn't have anything warm that matched.
I pulled my hair into a loose bun and locked the door on my way out, not even sure where my makeup bag was, definitely not caring. My heart was so numb. Who would see me? Who would care?
I didn't know where to go.
I tried two car washes so I could send dad nice pictures of the car, but they were both closed. What in the world? It was saturday for crying out loud. I didn't want to drive far, I had such a limited supply of funds for gas. It was so cold, I didn't want to pull over and sit in the cold car.... I didn't want to go anywhere to eat.... I finally drove to chinese and then got a milkshake at chic fil A. I was supposed to be saving money but hey... who cares? I hadn't blown money on food in so long.
My milk shake spilled all over the inside of the car. I didn't have any napkins. I stared at the sticky, ooey avalanche and tried to suppress the trembling rage. Why did I even blow the money?!
I drove to Panera Bread because I had nowhere else to go.
I drove Hannah crazy in the drive through. She couldn't explaid the difference between the Thai and the Asian. I finally pulled up to the minute and everyone came to see who it was when she began throwing straws at me in livid relief. Seeing them all pile in the window, laughing and smiling to see me, I felt a huge sadness, a huge peace, a mess. Mary, Kendon, Gabby, Hannah, Daniella, Halle.... all these amazing people. There is where I belonged.
I pulled in, and walked into the warm and wonderful work of Brixton Square. Why hadn't I come directly here? The fire place was crackling. I grabbed a table and got myself a free soda, a free coffee, and then a free cinnamin roll. Everyone wanted to talk to me. I was coughing and my voice was raspy. Gabby had a big hug for me. Halle had just broken it off with her SWBC boyfriend. May wanted to talk about the GoldenDale puppy she found in the paper. Kendon just smiled and waved.
Mary said Dutch hadn't showed up. Again. Poor kid, I had liked him. We sat down and had a nice manager talk. I loved the feeling of being one of the parents here. I felt so old. It was odd.
I told her about you calling my dad, and I barely got out three words and she went crazy.
That means he still cares! Why else would he care about what your dad thinks? He knows that if he is ever going to have a chance with you again, he has to keep that door open!
I just looked at her, aching. Don't you understand? He just wants to feel like a perfect Christian. He doesn't want me anymore.
We talked about God's timing, God's goodness, and the upcoming easter holiday. The store was slow and I was so happy to be here, if happy was a possible feeling. Daniella kept my coffee full. I got out the newspapers, and my Bible, and opened my computer so I could see your sweet face and the last note you left me, and I had my new kind of Saturday, without you in it.
When I opened my Bible and flipped through it, I ended up at 2 Sam 13:15-19. It felt so much like us that I blinked back tears of hurt, of anger, of deadness. "Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying."
Be gone..... the evil in sending me away is greater.... she went on crying... he hated her greater than he loved her.
I kept turning the pages. This might be the story right now, but I wish it wouldn't be the story forever. Somehow, in the middle of my apathy, I still long to have a different story. Even though i may never be able to forgive you anymore....
I ended up in I Cor 7: 10-11, 14, 17, 20, 23-24
"And unto the married I command, ye not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.... [you're never supposed to walk away] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.... [because God can do bigger things when we are together] But as God hath distribututed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches... let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called... [walk in the same calling wherein we are called. there is no changing of God's will, just changing of our deceitful hearts... just Satan, not God] For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is the Lord's servant. you are bought with a price: be not yet the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. [abide, walk, in that calling. it's an active choice. it's a command.]"
Does it even matter? You left me. I'm alone tonight.
Like I told Kayla, the hardest moments are when I realized the reality that you aren't off by yourself. You're actively living in a life that purposely excludes me. You are choosing to be happy without me, and you are. You have a new life. New friends. You are probably hanging out with them tonight, you aren't just sitting in your dorm all alone. Probably listening to music, kicking it back, rolling around in Santanna, laughing it up, living it up, talking girlfriends, talking summer plans, your new clothes and hairstyles, your new heroes, how spiritual you all are, your sermons, who you're going to hang out with on Sunday who is going to ride with who, who is going where to eat, where everyone is going for easter sunday.
And I?
I sit here alone at Panera Bread. working on this stupid journal that no one, no one, never ever ever will ever read.
trying to pray.
trying to breathe without hurting.
trying to keep warm.
trying to do some homework.
trying to help out my store and do the Z-Rack.
trying to spend the last few minutes of spring break with any purpose at all.
But there is no purpose. Whether I sit here, go home, or just disappear into the black city night outside, there is no purpose.
Not for me.
Day 15
After a fifteen hour shift, my body reacts in strange ways. I awoke so stiff and sore I thought my bones might snap. Kayla was gone to work - it was warm and loud with the fan blowing from the vent directly overhead - and I buried my face under the pillows.
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.
The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please?
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.
gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.
The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please?
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.
gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs
Friday, March 22, 2013
Day 14
1am.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Day Thirteen
I slept till noon. When I woke up, Kayla was coming in from work where they had let her go early. She teased me about sleeping so long, but then she remembered how late I had been up. She asked me what had happened and I told her only about seeing you and about how energetic and confident you had seemed. She was troubled and gave me a hug.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
Day Twelve
I fell asleep before I could get up and go see you, because my body was so thoroughly exhausted and still weak from the weekend. When I woke up, Kayla was leaving to go to work. It was 4:30 but I didn't have to leave until 6:30, so I rolled right over and buried myself under the blankets. Saber was a warm, heavy limp pressure against my legs and that's the last thing I remember.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy?
I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy?
I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Day Eleven
Monday, 4:30 am. My alarm went off and me and Kayla rolled out of bed. She had turned the heat on in the apartment- it was warm - I felt like a new person after the weekend.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.
My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace
Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.
My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace
Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.
Day 10
My first day of spring break.
I had slept poorly. The apartment was so cold when I awoke, strange and shivering. I checked my phone. It was around 6am and Kayla was long gone to work. I burried my head back under the pillow. Every part of me ached, and throbbed. My head, my throat, my eyes, my back. I stretched and then recoiled quicked because of the cold air. This was horrible. I couldn't take this. I just wanted to go out to my car and drive away to somewhere warm, like New Orleans, and get a warm hotel and crank the heater up to 94 and sleep for a week.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen back asleep, but I remember waking up to a text message. Not from you, of course, but from Kayla asking me to take the dog out as soon as I got up. The dog was no longer sleeping with me, and I could hear it in the other room. She had probably locked it in its cage.
Go to church? Or no?
Honestly, I felt exhausted. I felt... weak. Weak is a good work. Weak, and cold.
Even Mary's church wasn't an option. I needed rest, I needed healing physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.
I slept, and then I got up and took the dog out. Got dressed in something totally non HA (this was my first day of break, you know) and drove to work to check the schedule. I went to the gym because it was right next door, but only tanned. The warmth of the radiation pulsing into my skin helped give me a little energy, but left me more parched than ever.
Spiritually parched, too.
I drove and drove. Gas was so expensive, but I didn't care.
Remember that night at the park on Grand Boulevard? The day I chased you down, 21 days into the silence? I wept in your arms because I had stumbled and done something incredibly stupid. Well, I couldn't just shrug it off anymore. If God was to fix you, bring you back, then I needed him desperately to clean out my heart, too. I just needed to get right with him. All the bitterness, the brokenness, of years and dreams and so much hurt and loss.... I had done this before, but it was time again. And God listened to my broken sobs and held me close and let me be real and honest with him... and he loved me. Despite my faults, despite my shortcomings.
And I got things right with him.
I drove back home late that night, more weary than ever, but refreshed in my spirit.
It was time to start letting God renew my spirit, renew a right spirit in me, so that my dad and you could be proud of me.
Kayla was excited to see me but we were both tired and just went straight to sleep.
Tomorrow, she said, let's do something.
Dear Levi, how I still love you. I don't want to spend this break so far away from you, and without you.
I had slept poorly. The apartment was so cold when I awoke, strange and shivering. I checked my phone. It was around 6am and Kayla was long gone to work. I burried my head back under the pillow. Every part of me ached, and throbbed. My head, my throat, my eyes, my back. I stretched and then recoiled quicked because of the cold air. This was horrible. I couldn't take this. I just wanted to go out to my car and drive away to somewhere warm, like New Orleans, and get a warm hotel and crank the heater up to 94 and sleep for a week.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen back asleep, but I remember waking up to a text message. Not from you, of course, but from Kayla asking me to take the dog out as soon as I got up. The dog was no longer sleeping with me, and I could hear it in the other room. She had probably locked it in its cage.
Go to church? Or no?
Honestly, I felt exhausted. I felt... weak. Weak is a good work. Weak, and cold.
Even Mary's church wasn't an option. I needed rest, I needed healing physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.
I slept, and then I got up and took the dog out. Got dressed in something totally non HA (this was my first day of break, you know) and drove to work to check the schedule. I went to the gym because it was right next door, but only tanned. The warmth of the radiation pulsing into my skin helped give me a little energy, but left me more parched than ever.
Spiritually parched, too.
I drove and drove. Gas was so expensive, but I didn't care.
Remember that night at the park on Grand Boulevard? The day I chased you down, 21 days into the silence? I wept in your arms because I had stumbled and done something incredibly stupid. Well, I couldn't just shrug it off anymore. If God was to fix you, bring you back, then I needed him desperately to clean out my heart, too. I just needed to get right with him. All the bitterness, the brokenness, of years and dreams and so much hurt and loss.... I had done this before, but it was time again. And God listened to my broken sobs and held me close and let me be real and honest with him... and he loved me. Despite my faults, despite my shortcomings.
And I got things right with him.
I drove back home late that night, more weary than ever, but refreshed in my spirit.
It was time to start letting God renew my spirit, renew a right spirit in me, so that my dad and you could be proud of me.
Kayla was excited to see me but we were both tired and just went straight to sleep.
Tomorrow, she said, let's do something.
Dear Levi, how I still love you. I don't want to spend this break so far away from you, and without you.
Day Eight Part II
I posted these out of order.
After Panera on Friday night, I drove to see Santanna. For a long time, I just sat there in the dark, looking at her. She always looks so happy. So little, and sweet, and just.... everything good I remember about us. I sat in the darkness, and let the tears roll down. I thought I had been through with all the crying, but something about seeing her - up close and real - made my heart constrict and my eyes smart with tears. Levi, I miss you so much. Why don't you love me any more?
I didn't plan on getting out. I was just going to sit there and listen to the radio and just.... feel the closeness. But then I saw a white paper tucked under the windshield, fluttering limply in the night breeze. A note? For you? From whom? The curiosity burned. It was probably just a random flyer, but..... what if it was from her? What if it said Hey cutie look for me at work.....? Or....? Oh, the thoughts were viscous. I didn't go crazy. I sat there and brooded. Did it even matter? Based on our conversation at The West, you were now very territorial about your stuff even your trash, and you might get angry. I could picture you.... that is, the new you, the cold sinister angry one.... appearing in the darkness and yelling me at me while I bawl and bawl. I just want to know what's going on in your life, babe.
Well, finally curiosity got the better of me. I got out the car, and marched over. Cautiously, as I approached it. I wasn't sure of your schedule and I didn't want to chance running into you. As amazing as it would be.... the deliciousness my heart craved would be overshrouded by the hurt and bitterness of the rejection and anger and... coldness.
It was just a flyer. My heart hadn't been pounding, but I felt a deeper sense of calmness when I saw the stupid advertisement. Praise God. While I was so close, I peeked in. To my shock....
It was clean.
Bare.
Empty.
It even looked vaccuumed out, no trace of crumbs.
No trace of rumpled receipts.
No crumpled food bags.
No rotting crumbs.
Leaky drinks.
I didn't understand it. Why had you cleaned it? When? When did you get the time????? The last time it was clean.... we did it together, for Thanksgiving break, I think. It was always something that we did together. :'(((( Remember? Remember the water? The soap? The dollar store supplies? The music? The heat and thirst? The hot, sexy sweaty kisses? Sonic and the movies? Me rear-ending the old man's car? All the memories.....
I remember cleaning out Santanna for the first time, with Steven, back on campus. Steven threw a fit when I had him go sneak your car out of the guys dorm lot and bring it around behind the gym. "I'm wearing a Turkish suit!!!" But he was such a great sport and helped me dump the trash and wipe out the scum and brush the crumbs off the seats. You were sooooo surprised... and touched...
Who did you clean your car out for this time?
You lived with it a mess all the time. It didn't seem to faze you, so I had trouble believing that you would do it for yourself just because you got tired of the junk. But yet.... the puzzle had me going crazy. Clean, clean. If you got tired, you would have just emptied out the trash. But dang this car was vacuumed, wiped down, immaculate. I contemplated it.
Were the notes still there?
Panic gripped me like a vise. Had you been erasing every last trace of me?
It was hard to see through the glass, but I could see white notecards still on the visor. Relief flooded my being. Oh, praise God. You had done a thorough job, and yet left the notecards.
It gave me hope.
Pitiful, unhealthy hope... but hope.
I clung to it like a kitten drowning in a riptide stream.
He hasn't gotten rid of my gifts yet, my memory.
While I was looking at the driver's visor, I noticed the passengers.
..............it was down.
Down, as in currently. Someone had ridden with you and it was during the daytime when the sun was out, and they had pulled the visor down.
Who?
Was this the person that you had cleaned the car up for???
So many questions.
I finally broke down and...... don't hate me, babe. I got out the extra pair of keys. The ones that you always knew I had. In reality, they weren't mine. They were Kendon's, just in case. But I had asked for them back. SO when I said that you had my keys... I meant it.... but deep inside I knew it was still dishonest. But I couldn't let them go, I couldn't. It felt like giving up the last little grip of control I had. I just couldn't bear to be locked out of your life literally.
I sat inside and sniffered for perfume. Nothing. Just clean, cool scent of a clean car.
The keychain that I got your last Valentine's Day was still in the middle section, scratched and dirty as heck. Like all the other memories of me... tainted with your anger and hate.
In the back, I saw the book the Five Love Languages.
That really stopped me.
I figured it being in the back seat of your car meant you surely weren't reading it. But you hadn't ditched it. I found that interesting..... it made me hurt so bad, touching it, seeing that you had indeed ripped out my note and discarded it, along with the lyrics from Maroon 5. Maybe you kept the book to help you with your new girlfriend? I don't know. All I know is that it hurt and was confusing.
There was a laptop case behind your seat.
Your computer?
Someone else's?
Were you fixing it for someone?
I thought of my computer.... how we met... all those wonderful memories. My heart was cold, and my body was cold, and I was stressed out and shaking. There was only one receipt to look at, but I dared not take it.
Little Caesars on Rockwell, Monday the 11th at 21:44. A change from Taco Bell, I guess.
Leaving Santanna was like dying.
It was like a physical blow.
I left, and I ran back to my car, and turned the music and heat way up. Back in my own comfort zone.... the life you had exiled me to.... but not the life I wanted.
I drove home and cleaned for dorm day, but my heart wasn't in it.
My heart was still with Santanna in the cold, dark parking lot of Walmart, waiting for our Levi to come home to us safe and sound.
After Panera on Friday night, I drove to see Santanna. For a long time, I just sat there in the dark, looking at her. She always looks so happy. So little, and sweet, and just.... everything good I remember about us. I sat in the darkness, and let the tears roll down. I thought I had been through with all the crying, but something about seeing her - up close and real - made my heart constrict and my eyes smart with tears. Levi, I miss you so much. Why don't you love me any more?
I didn't plan on getting out. I was just going to sit there and listen to the radio and just.... feel the closeness. But then I saw a white paper tucked under the windshield, fluttering limply in the night breeze. A note? For you? From whom? The curiosity burned. It was probably just a random flyer, but..... what if it was from her? What if it said Hey cutie look for me at work.....? Or....? Oh, the thoughts were viscous. I didn't go crazy. I sat there and brooded. Did it even matter? Based on our conversation at The West, you were now very territorial about your stuff even your trash, and you might get angry. I could picture you.... that is, the new you, the cold sinister angry one.... appearing in the darkness and yelling me at me while I bawl and bawl. I just want to know what's going on in your life, babe.
Well, finally curiosity got the better of me. I got out the car, and marched over. Cautiously, as I approached it. I wasn't sure of your schedule and I didn't want to chance running into you. As amazing as it would be.... the deliciousness my heart craved would be overshrouded by the hurt and bitterness of the rejection and anger and... coldness.
It was just a flyer. My heart hadn't been pounding, but I felt a deeper sense of calmness when I saw the stupid advertisement. Praise God. While I was so close, I peeked in. To my shock....
It was clean.
Bare.
Empty.
It even looked vaccuumed out, no trace of crumbs.
No trace of rumpled receipts.
No crumpled food bags.
No rotting crumbs.
Leaky drinks.
I didn't understand it. Why had you cleaned it? When? When did you get the time????? The last time it was clean.... we did it together, for Thanksgiving break, I think. It was always something that we did together. :'(((( Remember? Remember the water? The soap? The dollar store supplies? The music? The heat and thirst? The hot, sexy sweaty kisses? Sonic and the movies? Me rear-ending the old man's car? All the memories.....
I remember cleaning out Santanna for the first time, with Steven, back on campus. Steven threw a fit when I had him go sneak your car out of the guys dorm lot and bring it around behind the gym. "I'm wearing a Turkish suit!!!" But he was such a great sport and helped me dump the trash and wipe out the scum and brush the crumbs off the seats. You were sooooo surprised... and touched...
Who did you clean your car out for this time?
You lived with it a mess all the time. It didn't seem to faze you, so I had trouble believing that you would do it for yourself just because you got tired of the junk. But yet.... the puzzle had me going crazy. Clean, clean. If you got tired, you would have just emptied out the trash. But dang this car was vacuumed, wiped down, immaculate. I contemplated it.
Were the notes still there?
Panic gripped me like a vise. Had you been erasing every last trace of me?
It was hard to see through the glass, but I could see white notecards still on the visor. Relief flooded my being. Oh, praise God. You had done a thorough job, and yet left the notecards.
It gave me hope.
Pitiful, unhealthy hope... but hope.
I clung to it like a kitten drowning in a riptide stream.
He hasn't gotten rid of my gifts yet, my memory.
While I was looking at the driver's visor, I noticed the passengers.
..............it was down.
Down, as in currently. Someone had ridden with you and it was during the daytime when the sun was out, and they had pulled the visor down.
Who?
Was this the person that you had cleaned the car up for???
So many questions.
I finally broke down and...... don't hate me, babe. I got out the extra pair of keys. The ones that you always knew I had. In reality, they weren't mine. They were Kendon's, just in case. But I had asked for them back. SO when I said that you had my keys... I meant it.... but deep inside I knew it was still dishonest. But I couldn't let them go, I couldn't. It felt like giving up the last little grip of control I had. I just couldn't bear to be locked out of your life literally.
I sat inside and sniffered for perfume. Nothing. Just clean, cool scent of a clean car.
The keychain that I got your last Valentine's Day was still in the middle section, scratched and dirty as heck. Like all the other memories of me... tainted with your anger and hate.
In the back, I saw the book the Five Love Languages.
That really stopped me.
I figured it being in the back seat of your car meant you surely weren't reading it. But you hadn't ditched it. I found that interesting..... it made me hurt so bad, touching it, seeing that you had indeed ripped out my note and discarded it, along with the lyrics from Maroon 5. Maybe you kept the book to help you with your new girlfriend? I don't know. All I know is that it hurt and was confusing.
There was a laptop case behind your seat.
Your computer?
Someone else's?
Were you fixing it for someone?
I thought of my computer.... how we met... all those wonderful memories. My heart was cold, and my body was cold, and I was stressed out and shaking. There was only one receipt to look at, but I dared not take it.
Little Caesars on Rockwell, Monday the 11th at 21:44. A change from Taco Bell, I guess.
Leaving Santanna was like dying.
It was like a physical blow.
I left, and I ran back to my car, and turned the music and heat way up. Back in my own comfort zone.... the life you had exiled me to.... but not the life I wanted.
I drove home and cleaned for dorm day, but my heart wasn't in it.
My heart was still with Santanna in the cold, dark parking lot of Walmart, waiting for our Levi to come home to us safe and sound.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Day Nine
Dorm Day. It dawned soft and warm, but far too early. My roommates were all up way before me, but I didn't want to face the day. Another Saturday... another Levi's day.... And even harder, another anniversary. Dorm Day last year? The hotel... the warmth of snuggling under the blankets, tangled in your arms.... the soft kisses, pushing me on the counter and stealing my breath with your long, hungry kisses... waking up and feeling you right next to me, just a reach away. So tangible. So safe, far away from the exhaustion and the unfairness of Heartland. You were so angry at them that day, and I blew 75$ to try to give you an outlet, to give you an escape, to be your friend. This Saturday, just a year later, and everything was so different. It was much warmer. Last year was so cold, and grey, and miserable. This year the sun was warm and spring was soft and sweet in the air. It wasn't fair. I packed up my stuff for spring break - all twelve bags plus my comforter and pillow - and began the endless treks to the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Arms so tired. Where are you Levi? You helped me move in... wow.... blinding tears.
After touching up my room, I pressed a kiss to Patrick's glass. I didn't want to leave him.... one of the few tangible links I have with the past we had. Had. It's such a bitter word. Patrick lives on, Levi. Why doesn't your love for me? I love you so much. ;'(
Patrick waved at me goodby with his little fins, begging me to take him with me. I felt like I was being a bum but I wasn't sure what Kayla's apartments allowed pet-wise. And Mandii promised she'd take very good care of him. I know he misses you. It was nice to see that he misses me, too. At least someone does....
It was 645 when I pulled off campus. When I pulled off, a part of my heart sunk into the deep quicksand that has become the endless abyss of my emotions. They get plunged deeper and deeper, sucked down where no one can find them or comprehend them anymore and there's no pulling them back up. Just learning to live in the depth of the quicksand. How could I leave? And not know where you are? What you are doing this year? Last year you were driving to be with me, as close as literally possible. This year?? Where you stressed? Had you had enough time to clean? Did you even care this year? Were you going out with your roommates? With your stupid friends? Were you hanging out in the caff? Were you hanging out and having fun with your stupid replacements? Or were you in a corner miserable in your resentment and hatred at me? Where were you??? I didn't know. And it hurt so bad. I bawled, even at 645 in the moning.
Levi, I need you.
I need you.
I parked infront of the hair academy on 23rd and MacArthur, and set my alarm for 7:55. They accepted color clients from 8-10am only. I'll let you know, the Bonneville is a dream to fall asleep in. The leather seats were nicely heated and there was so much room and my body just cuddled down and soothingly... soothingly... drowning in the softness of my comforter... the sun and breeze lilting through the open sunroof....
.........I awoke at 9:45.
My alarm hadn't gone off. I awoke disorientated after such a sound sleep. Where was Levi? I groped among my pillows for my phone. Empty phone. Worthless phone. I saw the time and groaned. No way. I didn't know where Levi was. The helpless feeling made me frustrated. I ran in to ask them if they were still accepting clients for color - they weren't - there were four people ahead of me and they would never get me done in time for work.
I sat in my car and..... well, I didn't cry. I just existed for a while. Burning breaths, empty mind, lifeless body. God, I know you are there. I know you are. But I am such an empty shell. You need to fill me up, because I have nothing left. There is nothing in me.
I pulled into McDonalds and ordered the old familiar breakfast we used to share. Chicken biscuit, caramel frappe. It was good. But even the pleasure of the taste still lingered with the memory that eating alone is no fun. I miss eating with you.
I drove back to campus, and Kendon wanted to take the car to hang out with his friends. What was I going to do? I was lonely and aimless. I had blown my plans for the morning and I didn't know what to do. Go into the caff where my roommies were? I knew myself too well. I would really be looking for you. If you weren't there, I would be alive with suspense. But if you were, I would see who my replacements were for this anniversary day.... and that would kill me. I would not be able to pretend that it didn't cut me. So I just walked to my dorm, breathing in beautiful wind and sunshine. It was so pretty. It didn't make any sense. Why wasn't tomorrow gloomy and sad? The beauty of the weather defied the sadness in my soul.
I got back to my dorm and was reunited with Patrick. A few more minutes with my precious little fish. Then Kendon called.... what did he want? I had left him the car and keys. Surprisingly, he wanted to invite me out! His friends were unavailable.
I leapt at the chance.
Hanging with my brother!
Family... my family.... all I had left. And one of them was reaching out me, when I was always the one reaching out to them. He wanted to hang with me? Instead of his friends? Wow.
I changed into walking shoes - my cute Dolce&Gabanna converses with the butterflies. Ran to the car. Kendon had a cold bottle of rootbeer ready and we zoomed off, windows down, music blaring. He was especially kind. We went to the northwest side of Hefner, parked, and went for a brisk walk. We passed a guy flying huge kites - HUGE KITES, babe!- exactly what I dream about for my graduation party. My party.... will you be there? Oh, I pray so.... but I feel deep in my soul this great sadness that you will not.
We talked about his plans for Dallas, for the police. We talked about the devo he gave. I was so unspeakably proud for the man he is becoming. So proud.
Then we drove to the mall and had lunch together, and I got a call from Courtney Morgan. Who is coming to my graduation!!! And she will be there for my party!!! And she will do my hair for the banquet... not that you will be there ;'( but I want you to be.....
Then we walked around the mall and just window shopped. I showed him the engagement ring of my dreams. Vivaldi semi mount, halo, princess cut, glittering profile. He approved! I loved that =) He showed me some Gucci watched he liked.
Then it was off to work... zooming in the sunshine, wind blowing. It coould hardly have been better. Somehow this sad day had turned into something I could handle. I miss you with every fiber of my being but... God is still good to me. Even in the darkness, he is sending small rays of light.
Work was actually really bad.... I had to put gas in the Bonneville so Kendon could take it, and I drove him to the dorm. Then I loaded up the black Nissan, Corbin, and drove it to Kayla's... and it was on empty so I had to fill it up, too. OUCH. $$
I finally got to Kayla's around midnight. Her dog Saber slept with us in the huge bed. It was so cold.... it was dark and alien and I was scared driving on strange streets for on the northwesternmost edge of town. Even in bed there were strange noises from the other apartments and a dull, ominous amber glow from the street line shone into my eyes. I can't sleep with light... especially direct light, like that. It was a fitfull night before I feel asleep.....
..... and I know that I dreamed of you.
After touching up my room, I pressed a kiss to Patrick's glass. I didn't want to leave him.... one of the few tangible links I have with the past we had. Had. It's such a bitter word. Patrick lives on, Levi. Why doesn't your love for me? I love you so much. ;'(
Patrick waved at me goodby with his little fins, begging me to take him with me. I felt like I was being a bum but I wasn't sure what Kayla's apartments allowed pet-wise. And Mandii promised she'd take very good care of him. I know he misses you. It was nice to see that he misses me, too. At least someone does....
It was 645 when I pulled off campus. When I pulled off, a part of my heart sunk into the deep quicksand that has become the endless abyss of my emotions. They get plunged deeper and deeper, sucked down where no one can find them or comprehend them anymore and there's no pulling them back up. Just learning to live in the depth of the quicksand. How could I leave? And not know where you are? What you are doing this year? Last year you were driving to be with me, as close as literally possible. This year?? Where you stressed? Had you had enough time to clean? Did you even care this year? Were you going out with your roommates? With your stupid friends? Were you hanging out in the caff? Were you hanging out and having fun with your stupid replacements? Or were you in a corner miserable in your resentment and hatred at me? Where were you??? I didn't know. And it hurt so bad. I bawled, even at 645 in the moning.
Levi, I need you.
I need you.
I parked infront of the hair academy on 23rd and MacArthur, and set my alarm for 7:55. They accepted color clients from 8-10am only. I'll let you know, the Bonneville is a dream to fall asleep in. The leather seats were nicely heated and there was so much room and my body just cuddled down and soothingly... soothingly... drowning in the softness of my comforter... the sun and breeze lilting through the open sunroof....
.........I awoke at 9:45.
My alarm hadn't gone off. I awoke disorientated after such a sound sleep. Where was Levi? I groped among my pillows for my phone. Empty phone. Worthless phone. I saw the time and groaned. No way. I didn't know where Levi was. The helpless feeling made me frustrated. I ran in to ask them if they were still accepting clients for color - they weren't - there were four people ahead of me and they would never get me done in time for work.
I sat in my car and..... well, I didn't cry. I just existed for a while. Burning breaths, empty mind, lifeless body. God, I know you are there. I know you are. But I am such an empty shell. You need to fill me up, because I have nothing left. There is nothing in me.
I pulled into McDonalds and ordered the old familiar breakfast we used to share. Chicken biscuit, caramel frappe. It was good. But even the pleasure of the taste still lingered with the memory that eating alone is no fun. I miss eating with you.
I drove back to campus, and Kendon wanted to take the car to hang out with his friends. What was I going to do? I was lonely and aimless. I had blown my plans for the morning and I didn't know what to do. Go into the caff where my roommies were? I knew myself too well. I would really be looking for you. If you weren't there, I would be alive with suspense. But if you were, I would see who my replacements were for this anniversary day.... and that would kill me. I would not be able to pretend that it didn't cut me. So I just walked to my dorm, breathing in beautiful wind and sunshine. It was so pretty. It didn't make any sense. Why wasn't tomorrow gloomy and sad? The beauty of the weather defied the sadness in my soul.
I got back to my dorm and was reunited with Patrick. A few more minutes with my precious little fish. Then Kendon called.... what did he want? I had left him the car and keys. Surprisingly, he wanted to invite me out! His friends were unavailable.
I leapt at the chance.
Hanging with my brother!
Family... my family.... all I had left. And one of them was reaching out me, when I was always the one reaching out to them. He wanted to hang with me? Instead of his friends? Wow.
I changed into walking shoes - my cute Dolce&Gabanna converses with the butterflies. Ran to the car. Kendon had a cold bottle of rootbeer ready and we zoomed off, windows down, music blaring. He was especially kind. We went to the northwest side of Hefner, parked, and went for a brisk walk. We passed a guy flying huge kites - HUGE KITES, babe!- exactly what I dream about for my graduation party. My party.... will you be there? Oh, I pray so.... but I feel deep in my soul this great sadness that you will not.
We talked about his plans for Dallas, for the police. We talked about the devo he gave. I was so unspeakably proud for the man he is becoming. So proud.
Then we drove to the mall and had lunch together, and I got a call from Courtney Morgan. Who is coming to my graduation!!! And she will be there for my party!!! And she will do my hair for the banquet... not that you will be there ;'( but I want you to be.....
Then we walked around the mall and just window shopped. I showed him the engagement ring of my dreams. Vivaldi semi mount, halo, princess cut, glittering profile. He approved! I loved that =) He showed me some Gucci watched he liked.
Then it was off to work... zooming in the sunshine, wind blowing. It coould hardly have been better. Somehow this sad day had turned into something I could handle. I miss you with every fiber of my being but... God is still good to me. Even in the darkness, he is sending small rays of light.
Work was actually really bad.... I had to put gas in the Bonneville so Kendon could take it, and I drove him to the dorm. Then I loaded up the black Nissan, Corbin, and drove it to Kayla's... and it was on empty so I had to fill it up, too. OUCH. $$
I finally got to Kayla's around midnight. Her dog Saber slept with us in the huge bed. It was so cold.... it was dark and alien and I was scared driving on strange streets for on the northwesternmost edge of town. Even in bed there were strange noises from the other apartments and a dull, ominous amber glow from the street line shone into my eyes. I can't sleep with light... especially direct light, like that. It was a fitfull night before I feel asleep.....
..... and I know that I dreamed of you.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Day Eight
Last day before spring break. Finally, a break. My scorched, parched soul was thirsting for a give, for anything. So ready to quit.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.
God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.
I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.
I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.
Levi.
I love you still.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.
God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.
I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.
I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.
Levi.
I love you still.
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