From the Tower

Dear prince,

Your princess is missing you far away in her castle, where she's locked in a dusky tower overlooking a barren field of windswept grass and deadened trees. She knows her prince is far away on his noble white steed, slaying the dragons with his unending dedication, and she is praying for him.... worried about his safety, his health.... She loves him and misses him. She longs to leave her tower and find her sweet prince and gaze into his mystical caramel eyes, for she loves him with all her heart. But the fairytale is not in her hands, but the plot of the great Author who loves to draw out the story with all kinds of twists and turns, tragedies and thrills. So she sighs a great sigh and leans her tired brow against the window pane and looks longingly at the horizon, where she saw him last.....
Come back to me soon, sweet prince, for I grow pale and weary of longing for you......

Your princess, your star

First Wintry Day

My dear prince, my best best friend~
I've been reading back through our blog at night as I lie in bed trying to stay awake until you get off. How could I have forgotten?? So many of the memories revived just took my breath away. I'm ashamed to admit it, but in the hectic helter-skelter of the reality of today, this week, the now... I had forgotten. I'd forgotten the depth and the passion and the beauty that slowly became our story last semester. I'd forgotten how badly it had hurt to never see you during the week, I'd forgotten what it felt like to get a letter from you, I'd forgotten about the first time we decided to pray and read our Bibles together. How could I have forgotten? I want to just memorize each and every post, every little memory, every little taste and sound and word and image and feeling, until they are so absorbed into my being that I could never forget again.... I know you think I have a great memory, but I feel at times I have the worst memory ever, and my brain just clicks "off" to so many details I wish so badly I could hold onto forever... It would be easy to panic, because I don't want to lose these memories, but I remember the words you said.... that love is about making new memories, every day. About holding onto the past but also building a future... about old familiarity and new discovery entwined into every day... about a sense of permanence that I'd always longed for.

This week has been crazy, insanely busy. We've been working so hard, and when we are not working~ we have been sleeping, struggling to keep our eyes open, one foot in front of the other, chin up ~ each day a pounding deadline of incessant time. Time, that cruel master. It's like there is no time to breathe, to think, to even feel... just time to respond to each new hurdle, each new deadline, each new responsibility.
I am so proud of you. Did you know that? I should say it more often, I feel. You work so incredibly hard. Last night when I visited Western Panera for the first time since my transfer, I sat there listening to my manager Greg brag about his glory days of school, when he had 20 credit hours. I wanted to laugh. 20 hours is a daily reality for me and you, on top of work.... I am so proud of you. When he asked where you worked and what hours, and I told him, Greg responded, "Oh, so he isn't going to Heartland, then?" He couldn't fathom working that much and going to school at the same time. I can't even fathom it. It's insane. I keep praying every day that God would send some relief, but He hasn't yet and I don't know why. I know he let the Israelites suffer for 400 years and yet he heard their cries every day. He waited, because he had a plan, but I just hope that His plan has change coming soon, not 400 years from now.... or 40....

I don't have a lot of time between classes, but I just really wanted to blog you a little something. I've missed this blog a lot. I've missed writing. I'll admit, the feeling is coming back. I know that we had a fight last week because of something you said. You didn't like my new interested in interior design, you said, as much as you liked my writing. That hurt. Not because I expected you to choose the one over the other, but because I'm furstrated with myself over my own lack of inspiration to write..... and it makes me feel like a failure. If that's all I have to give to life, I feel like a failure.... What can I do as a writer? nothing, I fear.....
But I wanted to say thank you for keeping on believing in me even when I don't really beleive in myself right now. Even when it seems I reject your words, never forget that I always keep them inside me so I can think on them later. I've been thinking on those particular words a lot.... Do you really think I have any kind of future with my writing? It feels so vastly hopeless... and I know you don't have the answers right in hand.... but I wonder if you aren't right and I am just of too little faith. Regardless, I wanted to say thank you.... thank you for loving me and encouraging me and always believing in me, Levi. It is the greatest give you have given me, your love and faith in me.

One of the best things I've rediscovered in rereading our old posts (and I'm only in month 2, Februrary lol) is back when we really used to count on Rigel and Jupiter, our stars, to symbolize our love. Idk it was so unique =) I love the analogy and I just wanted to bring that back if at all possible. I want to be your star again, as well as your princess and best friend =) I love you Levi............

It's winter again, and we've reached the one year mark! Soon we will celebrate one year of being together in person, and I'm so excited. So much is happening, and I am so grateful to be sharing it all with you. My best, best, friend. The love of my life. My Levi.

Hugs,
your star

An Autumn Post

Sweet prince,
We haven't posted in this blog in a long while, as you mentioned the other day. I wanted to try to post when I found a minute, so here I am, with ten minutes to go till I need to be leaving for work, half-finished with a bowl of Campbell's clam chowder to my left, and Iphone to my right where in the background it's trying to sync to my computer for Itunes so I can finally have music again!
I just wanted to say how much I love you. It's not the same as last semester, but we knew it wouldn't be... and yet I don't want to think that either of the two were better or worse, because they have both been spent with you! My best friend, you grow closer to my heart every day, until I feel that you are so entwined by my adoration and love that we could never have been apart to begin with. I love you, Levi.
Some of my best moments this semester have been those random memories that are captured in snapshot looking back... you jumping up on the back of the church bus to get a picture of the storm one night after church... you wearing my scarf at Chili's on NW Expressway... shopping iwth you and Kendon at Daisy Exchange... Chinese food without a fork... getting in trouble for having TOO much fun in chapel... every time I can smile and wave at you in public.... opening a bank account together... all the tears, and sweet kisses, and wonderfully long hugs... just everything.... God has been so good, babe, so good....
Thank you for every day so far. Soon October will be ending, and the holidays will be here. Yay!!!! I am so excited. My first time in three years to be in the USA for them, and I can't wait. Bring on the eggnog. =D =D But as October ends, I remember that something this month last year, you and I really began our journey to being US...... and I can't help but smile deep deep deep down inside.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
Just wanted to remind you.
Hugs.
Your girl!

Birthday

Dear Levi.
Thank you for my birthday gifts. I just wanted to leave you a tangible thankyou..... it meant so much to me that you put a lot of thought into making my day special. I loved hanging out with you at the Cheesecake factory (mmmm foot massage ;))) and taking a walk in the park holding your hand, looking at the stars, being twirled in your arms, all the kisses. I love my Levi's shirt =) It is so comfortable! I find myself sleeping in it every night now because it's from you, and I want you near me =) Thank you for the roses.... I really wanted flowers and I am so happy =) They were beautiful =) The gift card? That surprised me. You are so thoughtful. I can't wait to use it, and go see your family in just a few weeks. The Starbucks.... you spoil me. =) Really, babe, you do. I am so grateful. I don't want you to ever doubt how much eveyr little thing meant to me. I find myself replaying memories of that day in my dreams. It was so blissful.... so so so blissful.
My best friend, I love you.
Please stay with me forever....

The Death of a Friend

Zubi is dying. =(
Just like Tekel, when I was in college in Chicago. I remember the night my dad called me to tell me that he was on the way to the vet to put her down. I remember crying so hard, touched with the grief my dad was feeling himself, and overcome that I couldn't even be with her to get one last hug, on last look at her little sad eyes. You see my dachshunds were a gift from my dad to me, for my 9th birthday and for my 13th. Something that we both shared together. We picked them out together. They were ours.
Tekel died... and now Zubi will be put down this week.
Why do people we love have to die? It's awful enough to be alive on this earth, locking in a game of rules and circumstances we can't argue. And to find some small happiness.... in a friend.... and then have it taken away? It's such a deep hurt. A hurt I try not to remember, one that shattered my soul and drove me to question every bit of sanity that governed the rules of the game of life.
Loss..... why is it so enormous? Why does the grave echo so fathomlessly? Such an enternal blackness that reverberates with tears and wishes and longing that will always be in vain, never to be soothed, never to be filled.....
There's no going back, when death beckons and the bridge is crossed from mortality to immortality. No looking back, no farewell hugs, no last look in the eyes of the dear one we leave behind. One minute our life is securely locking with theirs, and the next.... we are floating along in the cold emptiness of a black lake, locked in fate, fate we had no control over ultimately.
I feel it is something that will always haunt me. I never got to say goodbye to Andrea. I never got to say goodbye to my old people in the Valpo Care nursing home. I'll never get to say goodbye to Zubi... wrap him in my arms one last time, kiss his little head, stroke his little paws, and see his faithful little eyes pouring into mine waiting for the sound of my voice.
I have been blessed, to have these deep happinesses in my life...... blessings which leave scars as they are mercilessly scraped from the futile clutch of my own dreams.

At least in heaven, I'll see the ones I loved, in the perfection of beauty as they always should have been...... But do you think that dogs really go to heaven? I wish I knew.

On Saturday, it'll be my 23rd birthday, and that day will hallmark 10 exact years since Zubi came into my life as the very best birthday gift. How cruel that it is on this week that his life flickers and sickens into the abyss of immortality... somewhere I cannot go. =(

a late night blog

hey there princess. i miss our blogs so much. so much history running through its pages... i love u with all my heart princess and i miss you so so so much. babe i know you cant breathe i can feel ur anxiety princess.. i  thought about it all through work today and i prayed and prayed and i belive God gave me the phrase "round about" i cannot help but think of the old testament psalms and hear the cries of david as his enemies and the Devil seemed to be round about him. he had no where to move. no room to breath. just an onslaught of trouble. babe. dont give up as time seems to constrict. as class loads and fatigue and discouragement is enveloped round about you... truat God babe he will lead us through..

(KJV)Job 22:10-13, 21-23
Therefore snares are ROUND ABOUT thee, and sudden fear troubleth thee; [11] Or darkness, that thou canst not see; and abundance of waters cover thee. [12] Is not God in the height of heaven? and behold the height of the stars, how high they are! [13] And thou sayest, How doth God know? can he judge through the dark cloud?
...
[21] Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee. [22] Receive, I pray thee, the law from his mouth, and lay up his words in thine heart. [23] If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles.

August 20, 2012

Hey there busy man.
A new semester has started, and my last year here.
I miss you.
Love,
Noelle

Tranquility

Dear Levi,
Tonight we sat on the benches of our own seclusive park (the college campus) and watched a lightning storm under the tickling drops of rain on our skin. It was so lovely. =) Every memory with you is lovely... the happy ones and the painful ones... all of them are my story with you and I love my story with you.

I just wanted to say how peaceful I feel right now. Thank you for your gentleness on the phone when I called you this afternoon when I got thrown out of work early. I was scared and crying and upset but your voice was so infinetly soothing and gentle and absolutely unreal. Thank you, Levi.... I drove right to your apartments and parked outside and talked to you on the phone from a few feet away. =) Your magnet was pulling me. =)) How else do you think I heard the lawn mower? Silly Levi. I love you so much. I didn't come up because I knew you were just getting going, but I almost did. I love you so much.
Thank you for seeing me for those few hot minutes before you went to work. For just encouraging me and getting my focus right, and most of all, for praying with me. It helped. It changed my whole day.

And thank you for tonight... for the drinks, and the King size Recee's bar. Wow. =) You took me by surprise, and it felt so nice. I wish I could relate in mere words the depth of the emotion you gave to me tonight, but I feel my vocabulary is too shallow. I just wanted to say thank you.

It's so beautiful tonight, out under the lightning-lit, dark purple clouds. I feel like I am in my own little world, and it's so peaceful. I know that soon life will be crazy hectic again (try: tomorrow morning at 4am) but in these few stolen moments, I just wanted to pray for a while and read my Bible and write you. I found this verse in Philemon and it reminded me of you.

"I thank my God, making mention of thee always in my prayers, hearing of thy love and thy faith.. for the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." Phil 1:4&7

Thank you for being like Philemon to me. Thank you for refreshing my spirit and giving me the encouragement and strength to keep going, and to even smile and laugh.

I love you.

Article

Baby I found this article I wanted to share with you!! And I made this whole blog post... and then my computer died in the middle of it ='( I am so sad! It was about this thing called "Pillow Talk".... where two people have matching pillows, and when persons uses theirs, the other one begins to softly glow. And when you lie down, you can hear the other person's heartbeat! Isn't that so sweet?!?!?! I wish we could do that!!!!!! It would be like snuggling with you every night =) I'd sleep soooooooo good to the sound of your heartbeat... I know I would =) My pillow would begin to glow around midnight every night and I'd get to literally hear that you are safe and sleeping... awwwwwww.... I'm so in love with the idea right now =)) Reminds me of a little newborn puppy, you know? How it sleeps with a warm bottle and alarm clock, so it thinks it is sleeping with his mother? Awwww baby...... your little puppy misses you so, so much.......

Social Life

Okay, babe, I can still see that look in your eye when you said to me, "We need to try to be more social this semester." Scolding, almost, as if I didn't try enough before; firm, as if you were afraid I'd dodge away from the request; and almost questioning, as if you weren't sure exactly what I would be thinking.
Well, I'm not sure what I really am thinking, babe. I just know I try so hard and yet it seems to always be a massive waste of effort, time, and emotion. =( I've kind of adapted the expectation that I have no friends. And unless someone is going to take the effort to try to become friends with me, I'm just not going to have any friends... and as lonely as it is, I'm okay with it, because trying and getting burned all the time is even more miserable. Idk.
But I think having friends is good for us... There is a verse in proverbs that says, "Iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." I know they are good for encouragement, and they can help us grow, and be used of God. It's good to have a social life. As much as I'm all wrapped up around you, I want you to have friends and be able to get away and have a guy's night or whatever... I don't want you to miss that. And this is my last year here... if I don't make friends, then I won't have the chance ever again to make friends from Bible college... it'll just be whoever at church or at work I am around... I don't know.
I was thinking about the top people at the school I actually like. Surprisingly, there's more than I thought... I jsut wanted you to know them, so you can tell me what you think... and I want to see the school from your perspective, too, and maybe we can pray and just ask God to give us (1) the opportunity to build good friendships, and (2) the right people... Maybe he will give us new students we don't even know yet, I don't know.

I think top of my list is Eric Maddox Furan, which of course means his girlfriend Kayla too. I just love his personality, his parents, the fact we are both MK's, and how he treats others. Kayla wrote me a FB message once, do you remember? When I was really struggling last semester... randomly appeared in my message box. Said she was praying for me, even though she didn't know me really well. It meant so much... I still remember. =)
Bobby Harrell. He still owes me lunch! lol haha I don't even remember how that got started...
Mark Martinez & Hannah Wallace (the only RA I respect lol)
Joy Hinton. She has some rough edges but she is so passionate about God, loves thrift store shopping, and is the only girl who has ever invited me out off campus (pizza and a movie at Mallory Shook's).
Kate Walley. To an extent. She's too preoccupied lately with the fact that she's single. =/
Lori and Mitchell. I know them through you. I would like to try to be friends, like, real friends. The ones whose number you have in your phone and you would call up to hang out.
Gary Latin, Jed Brown... I know they are your friends, and I want to see you all get to hang out (more than once!) It would be nice to be on a talking basis so at least they don't feel awkward around me, you know?...
Zhenya Demyanovna (Olesya's sister). SHe was always so sweet. Not a big fan of Yulia, she was very vain. But Zhenya and even Olesya and Sebastian... they are all so cool. I would love to hang out with Russians more, babe, really.....
Brittany Moore (I think it is Moore). The redhead, JS's friend? She would always smile and say hi to me, directly to me, and not just politely in passing. I really liked her... I liked her style too, but I liked how she treated me.

I can't think of anyone else right now...

I'm Sorry

I don't think I say it enough, in regards to the kinds of wounds I inflict..... You are the sweetest, most precious little Levi and I don't ever, ever want to hurt you.... and yet, I find that I do.... in those horrible moments when I lose who I am, and become who I once was.... it is you I hurt, my best friend, my sweet, sweet prince. How many times do you apologize to me? Even when you're not wrong. Even when I don't deserve it. You care so much about me, about us, about making things right and cherishing me rather than defending yourself... I... I don't know how to tell you how awful I feel.... I don't treat you like I should, like I used to, like I told myself I always would... I say things I never should, and so many times, even when you try to tell me to stop, and I just keep going... I know I can never ever get them back... And somehow, the next day you are smiling to see me, and hugging me close, and arranging your day to spend as much of it as possible with ME..... and it just blows my mind.... it is like this huge knife in my heart.... because you are so, so precious and I need you so badly and you should blame me and hate me and hang over my head how awful I was Saturday night and yet you don't.... you just keep loving me, ME....
You're right, you know... I'll never get back the things I said. I'll never be able to take them back.... and I can't erease the effect they have....
But I can say, honestly, truly, that I am sorry.... so, so sorry... and I was wrong.... you weren't, it was me.... and that I love you, so much, in spite of it all, if you'll just believe me... and that I want to make it up to you.... I want to spend the rest of the days of this semester trying as hard as I can to never say one more unkind thing to you, no matter how mad or frustrated or upset I get... not one more unkind, unfair thing.... and I hope that you will forgive me, and forget.... that you won't let Satan use my weakness against us.

I love you, Levi Pierce Fowler.... I love everything about you... every inch of you, every smile, every look in your eye... everything....

Please hold me close this week. I'm scared. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm so very weak.
I love you. I love you, I really really do....
So so much.

Moonlit Friday Night

Something so surreal about the way it feels to be with you under the moonlight on a soft, sultry summer night. I love the way the glow of the moon illumines your eyes and casts shadows across your freckles. =) I love the still, still air, and the peace of the world slowly settling towards night. I love being with you, all quiet and peaceful, enjoying however few minutes we have just being with each other. You mean so, so very much to me... it's amazing to realize what a vast difference you have made in my life in just a few short months. I love you so much and I just wanted to take a moment to say so. I know you know that I do, but still....
I love you, Levi Pierce. <3

My wake up song

My wake up song that makes me think of u :) I love u good morning darling Watch "Owl City, Carly Rae Jepsen - Good Time (Lyric Video)" on YouTube

Random Childhood Story

Have I ever told you about my childhood fascination with ducks? It started on one of the first trips to the local market that I was allowed to make when we got to Kharkov. I was with my mom at the time, and we walked up the long, dusty road about 45 minutes to the nearest outdoor bazaar to buy food. At first, my parents went to the market by themselves and left us kinds at home. They were worried about getting lost, the locals, etc. But eventually they got braver and would take one or two of us along. I think now, it was to help carry the groceries back more than anything... those bags could be so heavy!

Well, that day, as we were slowly meandering up and down the twisting aisles of booths, I spotted a stack of crates. More like pallets, actually, only a few inches high. The pallets were staked a dozen or so up, and peeking out was enough yellow and black fluff to float a ship! The tiny peeps and rustles from inside fascinated me and I went over to see. Squished in-between the pallets were hundreds of little baby ducklings!

They were so so tiny and so so cute, all jammed together and imprisoned in the hot sun. A few of the were dead, even. I wanted to "Free Willy" and take a few home where they could run around, and I could feed them bread crusts, and we could start a barnyard of animal pets! But... my mom was not so sympathetic. (Or maybe she was, but also more pragmatic!) And she said no.

But the next few times I went to the market, I would run to that back corner where they were selling ducklings (and occasionally chicks) and stand and look and sometimes, when the grouchy old babushka wasn't looking, I would sneak my fingers in and stroke their little wings.

I'm not that found of ducks now that I am grown, outside of seeing them in the wild at lakes or such. But I found this picture and it took me back to a time long, long ago =) and I wanted to take you there with me for a minute. =)

I love you!!

Lake Overholser

Hey baby....
I love you. Despite the difficulties in our lives right now (jobs, city, finances, cars, sleep deprivation, health etc) the last few days have been so.... sweetly blissful. Sunday night was so amazing... thankyou for it. For holding me in your arms. <3 For late-night scouring the Chinese buffet. =) For talking... and loving... and everything. It meant so, so, so much.
And yesterday at Lake Overholser? The thought of having somewhere that nice close enough to go relax and study during school is so encouraging to me. I can't WAIT to go there again with you and explore. Someday I'd love to go boating and fishing, too =D
A name for my puppy... been tossing a few around. Amarillo is a good idea =) I'm also a fan of Reece's, Jack, and Nikita.
I love you and just wanted to say so. I am soooo glad you are in my life.
Thank you, most of all, for praying the past few days with me. It has been very needed... I want to try my best to help us keep faithful at that. Especially in 4 weeks when school starts back up........

Hugs & Kisses

Weather

It's raining outside, soaking grey rain pattering against the pavement and flooding in pools across the parched grass. You're at work, finishing for the night, and I should be in bed but I can't go to sleep because my mind is restless tonight. It's been a hard couple of days. I'm tired of being sick. I love you and I'm sorry for our fighting. I'm sorry my necklace is broken and lost. I will look for it before I go to bed.
I was just thinking how nice weather is. People say it'll never be hot or cold in heaven, but I don't really believe them. There is a great company from Switzerland, I think, whose motto says, 'There is never bad weather - just inappropriate attire.' So maybe in heaven we'll just have really awesome clothes =D That way we can enjoy all four full seasons at their best. =) I'd like to think so. About enjoying all the seasons in heaven, I mean. And, well, the awesome clothes part, too. =P
I think that the weather is one of the nicest things God has given us for our time here on earth. Think about it. It defines our every day. What we wear. What we eat. How we feel. Where we go. When we wake up and when we go to bed. Who we are around. What we want. Everything, really. All based on the weather. Hot? Chilly? Sunny? Humid? Blustery? Frosty? Crisp? Mellow? Stormy? Hot chocolate or sweet iced tea? Barbeque on the porch or slow-cooked stew? Hanging with friends or curled up at home with a book? Stay up late or turn in early? Leather boots or flipflops? Sunglasses or scarf? Vigorous day or laid-back evening?
It is no wonder the most elementary conversations begin with the weather! Because it has predestined everything about the day! And if it changes abruptly, no wonder why people get all ruffled. Everything has to change, even if not noticeably.
Gen 1:14 "And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years..."
From the very beginning, weather was in God's mind. Do you ever think about that? The huge, billowy clouds of purple and blue we saw tonight, catching the retreated storm and colors of the sunset.... the translucent, obscure stars we saw out in Nichols Hills that night together... the sunshine of Saturday in the swimming pool... it is all what God saw from the very beginning.
You talked about reading our Bibles and praying more, and just talking to each other. Well, how much God mentions weather in the Bible has always intrigued me. Especially the books of Job and Psalms, filled with references about His power reflected in the weather and seasons. "Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it? ...By the breath of God frost is given: and the breadth of the waters is straitened...."(Job 37&38) So beautiful =)
I am so glad for today's rain. Because rain always meant homemade chocolate chip cookies as a child =) and because I know it reminds my Levi of his home. =) Rain is so soothing, gentle, cleansing... exactly what I needed today.
I love you. I am praying for you as I go to sleep. Please be safe on the wet roads. I will see you tomorrow in the sunshine, if it isn't raining again. =)
Forever yours,
Noelle

July 4th

When I was little, we went to A Mountain for July Fourth to watch the fireworks. Fireworks are illegal in Arizona, you see, because it is sooo dry they always start fires which rage out of control and destroy the precious irrigated cotton fields outside the city. The local government comprised by selecting a small desert mountain, kind of like an upside down yogurt cup, to be the only place where fireworks can be shot off for the holiday. And they city shoots off the fireworks; no private fireworks are allowed still. A Mountain is on the outskirts of Tucson, and it is called that because it has a huge letter A (for Arizona) made of painted rocks that forms a proud face of the mountain. Everyone comes out in pickups and brings lemonade and blankets and lawn chairs and sit out at the bottom of the mountain when it grows dark. The mountain itself is cordoned off by police, and inside that cordoned-off space, the mountain is surrounded by fire trucks. The fireworks begin, and ~ inevitably, the mountain brush catches on fire, and the whole thing goes up in flames like a spectactular fountain firework or a hot flambeau Baked Alaskan cake. Really, everyone goes to watch the mountain catch on fire rather than a few sizzling explosions. I remember the smoke filling the darkening sky, and in the glowing light of the flames licking the sky, hoovering helicopters dumping water on the mountain. It was awesome. =)
Well, I saw that two years that I can remember (when I was 4 and 5) and then it was off to be a missionary and that's the last July 4th I ever had. Until last year, which I was anticipating with soooooooo much longing. I'd been dreaming of it my whole life, you see. Especially after deciding I was going to join the Naval Academy and make a career, I was fiercely patriotic. Still am. I love being American. This holiday was the one I longed the most to see. Id' never seen the parades, the car shows, the flags, the fireworks, the picnics and baseball and family barbeques. Just imagined them.
Andrea knew how badly I wanted to be and feel American. She used to buy me little stuff that said Proud to be an American, etc. It's why I chose July 4th last year. Because she knew what that day was; an acculmination of a lifelong dream, turned into the acculmination of a life-killing despair. The only correspondence she ever received from me after that night was when I sent her back a small glass paperweight she'd bought for me that said Proud to be an American. It was a gift from the August before, two weeks I spent in Pekin that I used to call the best two weeks of my life. They were blissful, indeed. And they were what I lost. That ultimate happiness, and even more so, the infinite innocence. I sent it back to remind her of August. Of what we one were. Of how she once was. Of everything we had lost. Of how she had destroyed my dreams.. all of them... Of everything.
This Fourth of July wasn't what I wanted... I wanted to spend it with you, in your arms, hiding from the memories of the crash, of the screams of despair, of the empty phonecalls that no one would pick up....... I spent it alone.... It was better than last year. I know you love me. It was just hard to spend it alone. I'm glad it's over though, you know? It's over, and I can remember why I did it. I did it to break free of Brad, of Andrea, of the abyss of horror and despair and agony. That's why I did it. I wanted to be free, and safe, and calm, and happy again.... I wanted heaven, I wanted to feel Jesus holding me, I was so weary, I longed so badly to feel anything other than shattered...
I need you, Levi....
I'm still limping from the wounds, figuring out how to piece my life back together. Scared, at times... really scared. I miss heaven. I wanted it so badly that night. For weeks, really, months... it was all I dreamed about. I'm glad that God has left mehere, so I can be there for you, but I still feel frail.
Thank you for yoru love... your friendship... your endless patience and compassion for your little girl.
I love you, Levi.....
Happy July Fourth, baby... Independence Day.

Come back soon... please? i miss you,. youve grown so fond in my heart, its like my heart is just growing around yours baby, i never want to let you go, like a vine growing thicker and thicker and closer and closer. baby girl i want to let you know i adore you with all my heart. gonna go rest soon :) i missed you ll day babe, starting to feel worn  out and have two trucks tommorow :/ come back soon, im praying for the stressful events your going through princess, keep your chin up, im praying so hard. Hey my cousin bailey (my aunt angel's daughter) is going on a road trip and she just texted me saying shes stopping through oklahoma city, pray for that babe, that would be neat to see her. love you! tebya leblyu ochen ochen ochen mnoga :)

Natural Disasters

So I was reading today in Amos chapter one. I like the little books tucked between the Old Testament and the New. Always been a fan of the minor prophets =) They're just so little! So often overlooked! Sure, a lot of what they had to say was prophetic and strange, but so were the messages of Jeremiah and Isaiah and Daniel, too, you know. Rather than go on for chapters and chapters, they deliver their warnings in brief gut-punching packages. Like journalism.... all about the most informative sound-bite. =)

Well the book of Amos starts out with a qualifier, "Two years before the earthquake." Which means nothing to me, because I'm not an ancient-history geek so I have no idea what natural disasters went on during the Bible days, but surely caught my interest. It is just neat to me, to think that the people back then had to deal with natural disasters, too. Not as many as us today - because God promised that there would be more and more as time went on and His return grew nearer - but they still had some pretty big ones, big enough to qualify certain time eras.

When I think of natural disasters in the Bible, I always think of Euroclydon, the "temptuous wind" of Acts 27, which shipwrecked Paul. I imagine that was a hurricane, much like Katrina or Ike. We had a kitten once named Euroclydon, Yevro for short (Russian is Yevroclydon, Yevro = Euro). We named him after that storm. And then there is the "fire and brimstone" that wiped out not only Sodom and Gomorrah, but all the cities of the valley. I figure it was a volcanic eruption. "The the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Comorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of heaven; and he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground." Fire, and brimstones, pouring down and obliterating a whole valley that spanned several cities and farmland counties in between - destroyed buildings, people and all the plant life? I bet a volcano is plausible! =) Anyways that's just Noelle's Revised Version... open for modification. lol

I found a website about the Great Earthquake in Amos' days. I copied the URL here but am not sure you'll be able to follow it on your phone so to save you the trouble I copied the most informative parts of the article. So.... here's your article of the day. =D

Earthquake Link

"The Kings of Israel and Judah ruled during the period of time designated as the Iron Age by archaeologists.
Widely separated archaeological excavations in the countries of Israel and Jordan contain late Iron Age (Iron IIb) architecture bearing damage from a great earthquake.1 Masonry walls best display the earthquake's effects, especially those with broken ashlars or displaced rows of stones, walls that are still standing but are leaning or bowed, and collapsed walls with large sections still lying course-on-course.

Earthquake evidence is seen prominently at Hazor, Israel's largest ancient city. In excavations beginning in 1955 by archaeologist Yigael Yadin, twenty-two successive cities were discovered to have been built on top of each other.2 Excavations in Hazor's Stratum VI revealed tilted walls, inclined pillars, and collapsed houses. In the Iron Age building called "Ya'el's House" within Stratum VI, objects of daily use were found beneath the fallen ceiling. General southward collapse within Stratum VI argues that the earthquake waves were propagated from the north. After more than 50 years of excavations at Hazor, earthquake damage continues to be revealed in even some of the strongest architecture.

The city of Gezer was also severely shaken. The outer wall of the city shows hewn stones weighing tons that have been cracked and displaced several inches off their foundation. The lower part of the wall was displaced outward (away from the city), whereas the upper part of the wall fell inward (toward the city) still lying course-on-course.3 This indicates that the wall collapsed suddenly.

A Magnitude 8 Event

Earthquake debris at six sites (Hazor, Deir 'Alla, Gezer, Lachish, Tell Judeideh, and 'En Haseva) is tightly confined stratigraphically to the middle of the eighth century B.C., with dating errors of ~30 years.4 So, the evidence points to a single large regional earthquake that occurred about 750 B.C. The accompanying map displays the site intensity (Modified Mercalli Intensity from archaeology or literature) and lines of equal intensity of shaking (isoseismals).

The epicenter was clearly north of present-day Israel, as indicated by the southward decrease in degree of damage at archaeological sites in Israel and Jordan. The epicenter was likely in Lebanon on the plate boundary called the Dead Sea transform fault. A large area of the ancient kingdoms of Israel and Judah was shaken to inflict "general damage" to well-built structures (what is called Modified Mercalli Intensity 9 or higher). The distance from the epicenter (north of Israel) to the region of "significant damage" to well-built structures (what is called Modified Mercalli Intensity 8 that is south of Israel) was at least 175 kilometers, but could have been as much as 300 kilometers.

Using the pattern and the intensity of damage through the region of the earthquake, the earthquake's magnitude can be estimated. Through a process known as scaling, the damage areas of smaller historic earthquakes of known magnitude are used to scale upward to estimate the area of damage and magnitude of the regional earthquake. Based on this method, the earthquake in question was at least magnitude 7.8, but more likely was 8.2.5 This magnitude 8 event of 750 B.C. appears to be the largest yet documented on the Dead Sea transform fault zone during the last four millennia. The Dead Sea transform fault likely ruptured along more than 400 kilometers as the ground shook violently for over 90 seconds! The urban panic created by this earthquake would have been legendary.

In the mid-eighth century B.C., a shepherd-farmer named Amos of Tekoa de livered an ex tra ordinary speech at the Temple of the Golden Calf in the city of Bethel in the northern kingdom of Israel just "two years before the earthquake" (Amos 1:1). Uzziah was king of Judah and Jeroboam II was king of Israel. Amos spoke of the land being shaken (8:8), houses being smashed (6:11), altars being cracked (3:14), and even the Temple at Bethel being struck and collapsing (9:1). The prophet's repeated contemporary references to the earthquake's effects is why it bears his name."

this feeling

https://www.dropbox.com/
email: lonelyroadways@hotmail
Same password


Im a big fn of drop box, just the convenience and ease to transfer any files and backup any precious data. i hate summers in oklahoma,, i hate Oklahoma in general. such a pit, dirty, and hopless :/  i feel constricted babe, i feel like i cant move. Can you pray i keep my sanity till you get back? i cant stand another day without you, and i hurt without you near. My dreams are back, i think my subconcious knows your away, and it takes its advantage, i see dad, i see hatred, i see lies, i see so much in my dreams, the nightmare of my past,,, everything babe, and i need you :( the fall asleep to your scent...noelle hurry back please.... 

A Day at Our Lake

This had to be one of the most wonderful, magical days of my life. I dreamt about this lake until we returned... and it was more enchanting than I had remembered. Thorns and humidity aside, and our blistering headaches, I can't wait to go back. With a blanket. lol =) I wish I'd gotten pix of us at the mall earlier, and us eating at Chilis, was it? Mmm you treat me so well. Thank you for your love... for us... for everything. I miss you, Levi. When I dream about "someday".... this is what I dream of.

Banquet Spring 2012 Pictures

These uploaded kinda out of order, sorry. Even though it wasn't a great night for me, I am still glad that we at least came away with a few pictures and the memory of being together in public for the first time. And, your awesome shirt and tie. =)