July 4th

When I was little, we went to A Mountain for July Fourth to watch the fireworks. Fireworks are illegal in Arizona, you see, because it is sooo dry they always start fires which rage out of control and destroy the precious irrigated cotton fields outside the city. The local government comprised by selecting a small desert mountain, kind of like an upside down yogurt cup, to be the only place where fireworks can be shot off for the holiday. And they city shoots off the fireworks; no private fireworks are allowed still. A Mountain is on the outskirts of Tucson, and it is called that because it has a huge letter A (for Arizona) made of painted rocks that forms a proud face of the mountain. Everyone comes out in pickups and brings lemonade and blankets and lawn chairs and sit out at the bottom of the mountain when it grows dark. The mountain itself is cordoned off by police, and inside that cordoned-off space, the mountain is surrounded by fire trucks. The fireworks begin, and ~ inevitably, the mountain brush catches on fire, and the whole thing goes up in flames like a spectactular fountain firework or a hot flambeau Baked Alaskan cake. Really, everyone goes to watch the mountain catch on fire rather than a few sizzling explosions. I remember the smoke filling the darkening sky, and in the glowing light of the flames licking the sky, hoovering helicopters dumping water on the mountain. It was awesome. =)
Well, I saw that two years that I can remember (when I was 4 and 5) and then it was off to be a missionary and that's the last July 4th I ever had. Until last year, which I was anticipating with soooooooo much longing. I'd been dreaming of it my whole life, you see. Especially after deciding I was going to join the Naval Academy and make a career, I was fiercely patriotic. Still am. I love being American. This holiday was the one I longed the most to see. Id' never seen the parades, the car shows, the flags, the fireworks, the picnics and baseball and family barbeques. Just imagined them.
Andrea knew how badly I wanted to be and feel American. She used to buy me little stuff that said Proud to be an American, etc. It's why I chose July 4th last year. Because she knew what that day was; an acculmination of a lifelong dream, turned into the acculmination of a life-killing despair. The only correspondence she ever received from me after that night was when I sent her back a small glass paperweight she'd bought for me that said Proud to be an American. It was a gift from the August before, two weeks I spent in Pekin that I used to call the best two weeks of my life. They were blissful, indeed. And they were what I lost. That ultimate happiness, and even more so, the infinite innocence. I sent it back to remind her of August. Of what we one were. Of how she once was. Of everything we had lost. Of how she had destroyed my dreams.. all of them... Of everything.
This Fourth of July wasn't what I wanted... I wanted to spend it with you, in your arms, hiding from the memories of the crash, of the screams of despair, of the empty phonecalls that no one would pick up....... I spent it alone.... It was better than last year. I know you love me. It was just hard to spend it alone. I'm glad it's over though, you know? It's over, and I can remember why I did it. I did it to break free of Brad, of Andrea, of the abyss of horror and despair and agony. That's why I did it. I wanted to be free, and safe, and calm, and happy again.... I wanted heaven, I wanted to feel Jesus holding me, I was so weary, I longed so badly to feel anything other than shattered...
I need you, Levi....
I'm still limping from the wounds, figuring out how to piece my life back together. Scared, at times... really scared. I miss heaven. I wanted it so badly that night. For weeks, really, months... it was all I dreamed about. I'm glad that God has left mehere, so I can be there for you, but I still feel frail.
Thank you for yoru love... your friendship... your endless patience and compassion for your little girl.
I love you, Levi.....
Happy July Fourth, baby... Independence Day.