Quality

Levi Pierce....
I miss you. So much. You know that? So much! You are so amazing. You can take my whole life and turn it upside down without even really trying, it seems...
For some reason, I'm not really in a writing mood today... eloquence of any kind escapes me.... but I just had this thought that's been lingering with me since last night, those five minutes we shared that were just so perfect... and yet how several hours together seem to evaporate just as fast....
It doesn't make much sense, logically, but it's quite magical in a way, you know? The way time expands and shrinks accordingly... each second soaked up to its maximum.... hours blurred into seconds... seconds blurred into hours... How does it work, babe? How does it work? That I can spend hours lying against you and it seem like five minutes? All those hours soak into one magical moment. And then like last night? When each second in those five minutes was magnified to perfect detail, enrapturing the whole day with those memories...
Bliss, baby. =)
Thankyou.... thank you for being in my life.... thankyou for everything you are to me.
I love you.

Sincere inspirations of a silly kid

Here is a picture fro Misawa, Japan where my cousin Kiel was stationed. I've been in a Jet like that before, an f-16 c/d Wild Weasel. Kiel has probably influenced me more than anyone i can think of from my family. He's far from perfect yet he is stable, successful and soooo smart. In the Airforce he reconstructed, designed, maintained, and diagnosed the computer and navigation systems in the f-16's. He helped me pursue my passion for computers and has always been there as a sounding board. Him, computers, success, happiness,,, all of such became inspirations that carry on even into today. 

You never realize how bad something truly is until you've experienced better... Looking back to my childhood, i realized now how bad things became. As a child, i knew there was something better, i knew i could be happy like all my friends, i knew one day i wouldn't have used clothes, that i wouldn't have to starve to feed my brother and sister,, that i could just become me, i didnt know how, but i'd be ok. Ok is such a silly word, its so neutral,  it lacks any of care, and it leaves the door wide open for any event;  a fleeting expression for a moment of sustained contention... I wanted to do everything as a kid, you name an occupation, i planned to master it.a fireman, a pilot, a surfer, business man, chef,, all of the above and then some, that was my goal. It's funny how time will slowly chip away at your dreams, your goals, your life,,, Noelle, i Hate my past with my passion, how i cannot control it, how time chipped at me until im only a fragment of what i could have been in the future. I hate how i cannot share to you a happy life, a life that hasn't been poisoned by the afflictions of family and fear. I hate that i don't know my family, how i cannot name them, how i cannot list them, their a segment of my life purposely forgotten and lost. Noelle, I love you. I love you,.. i don't have any hopes or dreams anymore, because all they shed is a sense of desire and disappointment. All i can do is trust Christ; to let him lead and walk me through life. I cannot express how happy i am that he brought you into my l ife, my best friend,,, a hope, a dream; not of myself,,, but a desire and want led by God, a true and sincere step of life. This week will be hard, this week will be long, this week will grasp our soul and trample it underfoot. But the Lord can use it, He can have our sacrifices, and turn the, into happiness. I love you Noelle. Run with me. Lets run into this week like there is just the finish line in sight, they can't slow us down if we can outrun them, they can control our lifestyle but not our life, our hatred but not our heart, our pavilion but not our prayer,,, our laughter but not our love... We need to trust the Lord in all things babe, respect your dad, love the Lord and know ill always be here ok? Praying for you, Praying for your family, Praying for us, text me call me, smile for me, i love you Noelle Nitasha, so so so so so much.

Sunsets

Hey babe.
I miss you.
I really do.
Lots and lots... like, all the time.
I'm always thinking about what you're doing and how you're feeling and what's going on in your life.
The sunsets have been really pretty the past few days. Have you noticed? I don't know why but I haven't really seen anything remarkable for a few weeks, but the past two or three evenings, the sky has caught my attention like crazy. So beautiful, the vivid colors splashing across the clouds... like a child at play with an set of paints, and yet, so awesome that it must be a master at the very best of his work. I wonder if God isn't painting scenes of heaven for us in the sky, in abstract form, or like a Picaso... all the details there.... just blurred and distorted enough to make them mysterious to us....
And yet, as the colors fade like a mellowing maple leaf before winter, it is the falling twilight that I love best. The hues of the sky itself as it shifts from tourquoise to indigo to sapphire to purple.... so calming, so soothing... the first stars appearing here and there, twinkling soft and lonely, keeping their endless vigil. A few birds soaring quietly to their nests to find shelter from the night; the tree branches darkening in stern contrast against the horizon... so peaceful. The world quiet, at rest, ready for slumber... reveling in the timeless romance of day and night, sun and moon, cloud and stars.
I love to sit a minute and experience the twilight. It calms me so much. So rejuvenating, therapeutic even.
I wish you were here with me to feel the twilight succumb on Nichols Hills.

Your girl,
Rigel <3

Orange Leaf: OneYear Anniversary

Wow!!!! It's been a whole year, baby!!! One year since the most amazing person walked into my life... and turned it upside down. I'll never forget that first moment I saw you, Levi Pierce. Framed in the darkness, like the only person that existed... and talking to me.... wow. wow. wow.
I cannot say thankyou for this year... for loving me back... for helping me come here... for helping me be here... for everything you've done in my life. It's been an anomale that has left me changed. I am so thankful for you.

Orange Leaf!!!!!

My boyfriend bought me ice cream =)

And he cuddled me close and talked to me and listened to me talk and even kissed me! wow!! ;))

He's so sweet... and kind, and thoughtful, and I'm sooooo in love with him....

Thank you babe. <3

I know that today is rough. You're tired and your family is on your mind. I just wanted to share a few verses to try to make this day a little better. Don't worry okay? You can be yourself with me.... I can take it... and I want to be here so you can lean on me when times are hard. HUG. I adore you.

"Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint...."
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me...."
"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you...."

I love you. -hug-

xkcd.

Happy Valentines Day baby, your gift is perfect... so perfect, your so thoughtful kind and wonderful, i love you with allllllll my heart princess. your my best friend and im happy to spend this day and life with you. so do you remember that picture of spinning backwards? its from xkcd.com, pretty much the only comic i read,  so entertaining and silly lol. hope you enjoy the comic. thinking of you! :) enjoy word

Dear Noelle, I LOVE YOU!!

I cannot express how much you mean to me, its truly wonderful. I enjoy spending my time with you, remember our snow man together? sitting in the sun talking? playing at the arcade? resting in santanna? Baby oh baby, your rewriting my memories, when i look back, im not looking into the fog of pain i used to see, but a shimmering ray of hope and love. the more i think of us, the more i cannot begin to express what the Lord has done. Do you realize how well we get along? the Lord began to mold your character and personality from the day you were born and likewise for me, and he knew who we were to meet babe, and i thank him for how well we work together. Im praying for you did you know that? you work so hard scurrying around, so wonderful babe i love how focused you are... Im about to read your book baby,,, i just want to thank you for all you have done. I love you

HUG

Dear Levi Pierce,
I love you. I do not like that today was accented with pain and fighting. It makes me so, so sad. I want to make you happy always... and sometimes I fail. I'm sorry. I am trying to be more selfless; to be more trusting; to communicate better. It is a process... and we are both learning about each other... I just wish we never had any "bumps" along the way.
Thank you for your smile today. Thank you for looking at my computer. Thank you for talking to me, for trusting me when you got your grandma's letter, for listening when I talked, and for calling me and getting me to come out to talk to you... Thank you for not leaving me ultimately. I'm so scared that you'll be gone someday; I cannot afford to lose you. You are so, so precious to me.... more precious than my life.
I love you.
Rain, sun, birds, and time together.... such a good memory. =)
Your girl, forever,
Rigel

Luigi, Me, and Levi

Today was a lot of fun.... a perfect Monday for a perfect week...

Valentine's Week =)

I'm glad that you are my best friend...

You make me laugh and smile, and make my days so much better.

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.

I love you!!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

just a never ending story of happiness

Pon and zi? ive never heard of them before babe, have you ever heard of danbo? its a japanese doll made of boxes their cute as well. I love you noelle, tonight is such a relaxing night, the week is over and i cant wait to see you tommorow babe. i hope you enjoy  my story, feel free to re word it and make it sound better i am nowhere near a novelist :) sweet dreams princess, i miss you



Story time princess...
One day a boy named Ivel, Decided to go on a bus  one saturday morning...

But It Never Came... So he had to take a turtle...

The turtle was such an uncomfortable ride, it zipped and zoomed across the country side. Suddenly out of  nowhere, it begun to snow wildly and become sllippery, a perfect time for skating on the ice.

looking up, ivel noticed a certain young girl,, she seemed oddly familiar, a sense of comfort and warmth over came him. It was love at first sight, she intriuged him with mystery and captured his heart with her presence, but she slowly disappeared into the crowd, and Ivel became sad

Time went  on, as it always did, life resumed although his heart stopped at the very thought of her. His heart was on the verge of an explosion, for he had feelings for her yet she was so far away and had no way to show his love for her. it had been so long since he had saw her,,, did she even feel the same way as him?

Distance soon wove their hearts together in a midst of trials, life and events. Although millions upon millions of miles encroached them, they couldn't be separated for they were to see each other again some how.

The plane ride was... torture, hours seemed like years, seconds seemed like 10 years and time slowed as he became closer and closer to his love. he longed to be close to his friend, for she  was unique and precious to him.

And at last, his dream came true. His heart found its home, the comfort he felt the previous year on ice covered him like a blanket of clouds. He held her so close, never to let go again for he was afraid she would disappear into the crowd again.

Ivel didn't have much to offer  his dear friend for he was broke, lost, and had nothing, so he gave what was  left of him. She deserved his heart, it wasn't much but it was all he could give, and to this day it hangs around her neck.

And with all his heart he has loved her since...

To Be Continued..... :)

Your Little Barnacle

Hey babe!!!
I just got back from the mall with Katrina. That was fun. =) She bought me Chinese food and the noodles were soft enough to eat. I listened while she told me about all 30 kids she's teaching, who she likes, who reminds her of people we know, who she thinks they will grow up to be, etc. Then she told me about what's going on in Jonathan's life so I would be up to speed with stuff they talk about (boss, coworkers, grandpa, etc). Then she told me that on Tuesday for Valentines, we're going laser tagging and then to IHOP!!! Oh, so happy!! =) I've never gone laser tagging.... but it sounds really fun! =) And I love IHOP. Pancakes..... mmmm.... bliss =))) Plus, I have a*m*a*z*i*n*g memories of my best friend and me hanging out there over Christmas break.... why do those days seem in another lifetime? o.O They were so wonderful. Thank you for those memories, baby.=)))
So this picture has been my background for a few days, and I wanted to share. I love Pon & Zi.... they are so precious. =) I'm youre little barnacle! I'm staying with you forever Levi.... pinky promise =) forever friend =) If you ever decide to run away you'd better run fast, I'll be the little puppy that's always following you around... Levi... Leevviiii.... come back!!! lol =)))
Mmmm babe.... only 12 Saturdays left!!!! It's EXACTLY three months left till the end of school, exactly 90 days!!! wow!!! PRaise God.....
I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Even an hour, with you, is worth its weight quadrupled in solid gold.... every second is so precious. You mean the world to me, Levi. Plus - if you take into consideration our time together on Wednesday - we've had a full two hours this week, just split up a lil. =) Sooo it's all good.... even though I'm terribly greedy. lol =P Mmm babe.... you're so addicting, you know that? =P
And I love you.
BUNCHES!!!!
This is just... a really random post... because I want to make you smile. You called me today and you were sooo happpppy and soooo cute!!! And mmm. I love it. =) You pulled my spirits right up into the clouds. It was amazing. Thank you babe =)

Hugs hugs hugs.
Just a few hours!!!!!! =)

Hope You Smile

 

Don't bite off more than you can chew! =)

Onslaught of Thoughts...

I remember the last time I ever had a run-in with the police, a serious one. It was in Pekin at Christmas exactly a year ago, just days before I arrived at Heartland. There was a glorious sledding hill, perfectly sloped, optimum incline, pristine with a foot of freshly-fallen snow. At the top was a cluster of pines; but the bottom was open all the way to a slow leveling up to the back country road. It used to be "the hangout" for high schoolers in Pekin to go sledding, but recently, a ritzy golf club bought the property and spent over a million dollars redeveloping the grass. Now, the hill was private property even though it still stood without any fencing, open and inviting, and there was even a big red sign that said No Sledding No Skate Boarding No Trespassing! Well, Brad and Andrea used to sled there as children so they wanted to dare it; I was wildly adventurous, and I thought breaking the law was so much fun... I mean really, who cares? Well, the patrol car that came by and saw us cared for sure. He lectured us for a good half hour, wrote down all our information, and since we were all over 18, threatened to give us 1,000$ fines. Wow... I remember the fright. He was realllllly mad, furious even, because we'd taken a picture with our sleds next to the No Sledding sign... haha we were so stupid, but it was fun.... I can sympathize for the poor guy. He only refrained from filing the tickets when we found out that I was a missionary kid.... Praise God, or else I would have lost the money my dad gave me for my downpayment on five stupid minutes.
I remember the time before that. Also in Pekin.... the first night that Brad lost it with Andrea, dragging her into the dark.... slamming the door.... leaving me crazy with terror. I ran... I grabbed my knife, flew through the screen door into the sunset, and ran as far as my legs could carry me.... I remember the phone calls, ringing and ringing... first Andrea's number, then Andrea's mom's, then Brad's... the voicemails, the threats... And the sound of sirens surrounding me, filling the night, lights flashing into the dark heavens, bouncing off the ancient brick of the cathedral hiding me.... I remember them waiting for me when I was dragged back to the house, at an insane hour of the morning, I remember the questions and threats and the psychologist... I remember the sickness that burned my body and seared my soul with permanent scars.


I suppose it shouldn't be a huge shock to me that once again I'm doing something stupid and getting in trouble with the police, but.... it stings. I thought I had learned my lesson, thought I'd grown up a bit since those days.... I'm so ashamed. Worse, I dragged you into it in my own way, and I'm never going to forget that knock on the window that jolted me from heaven to earth faster than a falling thunderbolt....

I'm tired. I'm not going to lie. I'm sick and tired of the rules. Of the strain. Of trying so hard not to get near the edge of what's allowed, and hating that restraint... I'm tired of hurting alone. I'm tried of not being there for you in a tangible way, the way it tears me up when your voice is tired and your face haggard, and I have to deny myself the right to wrap you in a hug.... I'm tired of it. I'm weary of second guessing every person that glances at me in the hall, in the dorm, at church.... I'm weary of the confines of my dorm.... I'm weary of school work due every morning, and the heavy load of responsibility waiting for me each night at work... I'm sick and tired and in my heart, rebellion is forming a deep little hole, rising in the wake of my waning courage.

Today for PSD, I had to do a report on 1 Cor 9:24-27. This verse is underlined and highlighted multiple times in my Bible, for its one of my life verses. I quoted this passage like a mantra in high school, in the University and that first semester at Chicago.... It drove me. It was the spark that inspired me to learn to run, to excel at cross country, to run farther and harder than anyone else... to define a perfect 4.0.... to work full-time and still be asking for more hours.... It was the core of my passion, it was my self-discipline.

"Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain!"

"And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible"

"I therefore run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway."

What can I say? Those verses say it all. Yeah, everyone tries. But only a very few people succeed. And I always wanted to succeed... I always wanted to be the very, very best... But it's a commitment. You have to set yourself for it. You have to count the cost, make the sacrifices. You have to run knowing that it's going to hurt, but keep running. For the sheer joy of it. For the shining goal at the end.You have to keep your eyes focused. You can't look at the other people lagging behind and slow down because of them. You have to push yourself, and push yourself when you're tired, and push yourself when you're ready to quit, and just tough it out and keep running... keep running... one lap, twenty, fifty, a hundred, three hundred... as many as it takes, until your body explodes from the power of it all.


I need you, Levi.
I'm scared. I'm shaken. I'm alone. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm in love with you. Every fiber of me needs you, so badly....

I keep thinking about everything we talked about in the car, so I won't forget. Having other friends to help us. I just need to find someone I can vent to, who can encourage me and support me and hold me accountable to be strong. I want to make that list, goals each week, goals to focus on, so I don't see the pain and exhaustion in my life so much.... I need to pray more. I need to ask God forgiveness for my pitiful performance so far. I know better; and He's not happy with me. I need to just cling to his Word, and just... draw my strength from it, rather than depending on you all the time for my happiness. Because you're tired too, and sick as well at times, and because I love you I share your pain... so it's hard. And I just need to run. I need to get up, and stretch the old muscles, and drink some gatorade, and go run. And burn through the fat of complacency, and burn through the pain as the muscles break down, and burn through the exhaustion, and burn through the sick pleasure of the second wind, and just run... Just run. Run, and keep running. To take my body and my mind and my spirit and my hopes and dreams and fears and bring them under me, into subjection. To fight, and fight well... not uncertainly, like someone just swinging wildly and drunkenly into the air; but with focus, with precision, and when I miss... to shake it off, and put back up my gloves, and swing again and pray I'll smack the living daylights out of that boxing bag.....

This is just a bunch of my thoughts from today. This semester is ALMOST halfway over!! And I don't want to look back with regrets, Levi. I think we will.... if we don't change, we'll always look back and say, "well, we made New Years resolutions but.. yeah.... I mean, we tried, but..." And I don't want that. That's pitiful. That's unacceptable... I want to look back with pride. I want to look back with a sense of success, a sense of accomplishemnt.... I want to look back like we won something, Levi. You and I. Like an amazing team, pulling the other through the hard time, encouraging the other to never give up... No matter how infuriated and frustrated I get, no matter how tired and fed up you get... to just keep running.... to keep fighting... to keep doing our very best.

I think that's what God wants of me. I know He deserves that of me. I know I have it in me, or I did once.... and I want this semsester to find that strength again, Levi. I want this semester to make me stronger. Really stronger. And better. And brighter. And sweeter. And more in love with God. And closer to Him. And more faithful to what I know, know, in my heart is right

And if I can do that,.... then this summer I'll be someone who is maybe almost even worth being your girlfriend, someone ready to start out on the amazing adventure of an official, public relationship....

More than anything else, I want to be a positive addition to your life this semester.
And I need your help, babe.

I love you.
Tebya lublyu! Ochen ochen. =)
Your girl, always and forever......

Patience

Dear Noelle,

Im thankful for you. Thankful for who you are, for your compassion, your care, your love, your selflessness, your encouragment, and how amazingh you truly are. Today,,, as scary as it was,, im thankful for the warning given. I love oyu and i always will noelle, im thankful for how well we can work together to think about things logically and pray about decisions. You'r right, we did stop the verses for each other babe, and i think thats what we really need right now.. so i have one that i wrote on my hand yesterday when my body was exhausted in everyway imaginable, its from my favorite book of the bible:

Be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh.
Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door.
Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience.
Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy. 

But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation. 

James 5:8-12

There is so much to those verses babe, it makes me want to study into it more, its almost like a plea, he's pleaing diligently for them to have patience. A warning for patience...

Its so hard to endure, to wake up everymorning and believe everything will be ok, that i can keep going,,, im not invincible, life get so hard... james 5 just gives me so hope, like you said earlier, just a few more weeks, just a few more, its ok,,,, the Lord reminds me,"just a little further, almost there Levi." Job didn't have it easy, why should I? im so thankfull the Lord has pity and mercy towards me and gives me trials to build me and give me patience. Noelle, lets not forget today, lets not take it for granted, we are going to be better than the day before. I love you precious noelle, ill always be here for you just as your there for me. tommorow and friday we need to work hard ok? their our hardest days, lets use them to  our benefit and do our best to make the best of them. Tebya ochen Leblyu,

Your bestest best friend,

-Levi

The Other Side

There is the side of who I am that others see.... and the side of who I am when no one else sees.... =)

I found my old rebellious pictures and was amused... I thought you would smile. Oh I miss my blonde hair!!!

Your crazy stupid little girl.....

Rigel <3

Yeah..... shhh.... don't tell!!! lol =P

A web of thankyou's

As a kid, i was intrigued by spiders. Their solitary characteristics, mystery, and even the fear they bestowed was so interesting. I remember hours of time spent behind our garage on a spider hunt, scouring tho nooks and crannys for a trace of web. I felt so much like a spider when i was younger, i never wanted to be noticed, never, for problems arise if i was discovered. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything but its a random memory i thought of :) when i read your poems, notes, and posts, the word intricate comes to mind. spider silk has the potential to lift things well beyond the weight of the spider, its truly a marvel of nature that God created, to have something and so delicate produce so much strength. Every word you write is "spun" in such a way it is truly a marvel noelle, soooo very elegant and intelligent, every word connects in such a way that it creates a mesmerizing piece of art. Noelle, thank you for today, thank you  for your notes, your time sacrificed for me, your love, your beautiful words of encouragement; for just simply being yourself... Ill never forget today, as i was sitting by my bed, my head hurting, my strength drained from my body and the cloud of sadness covering my body like dust on a grave. I'll never forget sitting by my bed, as i read your letters, and your post and feeling my sadness slowly brushed away as your balance and precision of words struck my heart with happiness. I envy your talent, your words of encouragement, because i wish i could stamp in writing what you mean to me, and encourage you the same way you are there for me in your words.

Today is exactly what i needed...

Not the sickness nor the pain, but the cure to it.

I needed my girl, the way her eyes show love and compassion, the way she is concerned, her care, her words, her delicate words infused with strength and encouragement. 

Thank you precious noelle, today felt like saturday, you were with me every second of the day and im at a loss of words, all i can say is i thank you princess. 

Darling thank you....

YOUR love forever, 

Levi

Surprises

My sweet prince,
You made my Thursday so incredible. I cannot believe that you were up at 5am and went and bought me coffee. Speechless... stunned... so happy. I don't deserve it. You're so incredible. Your kindness, the surprise, the initiative and originality of it - there aren't words to say how wonderful it was. Thank you.
I woke up today with the determination to try to do something for you in return. I got out of bed and stumbled to the desk to write you a post, but when I opened the lid... I found a letter from my best friend. It was incredible, that surprise, seeing it lie there so soft and hopeful. I didn't know you'd even got out my computer once you realized it was dead. I picked it up, and saw my name in your handwriting... and when I opened it, the exact scent of you was released into the still, dark morning air. It was.... incredible.... I just held it and breathed it in and let the tears fall, because it was almost as if you were behind me, so close, and if I just turned around I'd be wrapped in a hug.... It was so precious. Thank you. It was the most wonderful surprise, these two morning, waking up to something unexpected and extraordinary from my prince...
I love you.
I hope that today, I helped a small bit. I couldn't leave campus to do anything really amazing like coffee but... I could blog and write you a note and bring you medicine and some food. Oh, I wanted to wrap you in a hug so badly. You looked so sick... so pale and sad and weak... I I almost really did hug you. I wish I could tuck you in bed, and make you some warm milk with honey and nutmeg, and curl up against you and sing you to sleep.... mmm. Someday, baby. =) Someday soon, okay? Please?
I love you.

Levi Pierce

If this is the last post I write,

Let it be honest... let it be true...

If this is the last post I get to write,

I want it to say that I love you.

I've been thinking lately

How you and I first met.

About the shouts and laughter

As thundrous as a jet.

I think of pain and heartache

My sorrow and my fear

But in the darkness, suddenly

I looked and you were there.

I don't know why you saw me

I don't know what you thought

I only know I loved you

This feeling that you brought.

You made me safe and quiet

You made me smile and blush

You took the noise and chaos

You made the whole world hush.

If this is the last post I write,

Let it be honest... let it be true...

If this is the last post I ever write,

I want it to say that I love you.

I don't know why you walked away

Or why it hurt so bad

I know you slipped into the crowd

But now my heart you had.

The months our lives when on their own

They made no difference when

That day I found you just by chance

And found  my heart again.

Oh do you think that it was chance?

I think that God was there.

He knew our lives were meants to be

Intwined, our stories shared.

If this is the last post I write,

Let it be honest... let it be true...

If this is the last post I get to write,

I want it to say that I love you.

It doesn't matter that I left

And that the months went by

Because that distance was the key

That drew your heart to mine.

Do you remember that first time

You told me I should come?

You'd fallen for this broken girl

And begged her to be strong.

And she was strong, and came for you...

For everyone, it seemed...

But only you, the reason why,

The light that brightly beamed....

If this is the last post I write,

Let it be honest... let it be true...

If this is the last post I get to write,

I want it to say that I love you.

Of Christmas break, what can I write?

I cannot tell the bliss

Of you and me and hours spent,

The hugs, the blog, our kiss...

I cannot write about it yet

My heart is still too young

To capture all those memories

And write them in a song.

But if I wrote a song for you,

I'd feel like Juliet.

That love as strong as ours is still

Love fated for regret.

They'll kill us, prince, if they knew how

You made my heart so calm

They'd kill me if they knew that it was

You who kept me strong.

But if this is the last post I write,

I want it honest, I want it true...

And if this is the last post I ever write,

I'd scream the truth that I love you.

If I could take a star and make

A wish that would come true

I'd pick your star and call it mine,

So I could be with you.

I'd be with you forever, love,

No matter what the cost.

Because I found my story's

Wrapped in yours forever lost.

I want to spend a thousand days

A thousand night against

The safety of your warm embrace

And taste your sweet, sweet lips.

I want to be your girl, love...

I want to know I'm yours...

I want this song to be okay,

I just want to be yours.

If this is the last post I write,

Let it be honest... let it be true...

If this is the last post I ever write,

I'm glad that it says, I love you.

Today

Precious noelle, i love you... please don't be sorry over something you cannot control. Please do not be sad, im here... all i can ask is for you not to push me away. I wish courtney was not here, she's a snob,loud,  she's a flirt, and she's snoopy and the very same kind of person you find in highschool freshman. Noelle, there is no one i would rather talk to than you :( im sorry your day was rough and your sad :( your so strong,,, ur fighting exhaustion and the pang of hunger. this semester is good for us, it'll mke us become even more grateful of each other, and i'm not going to allow a few months to pry each other apart. i agree, we need to be more careful with our time together, i think thus far we have been very smart about it, but it could stray to the point where we may slip up. Noelle, im praying for you.. remember this, im never leaving you. remember our pinky promise..
You are far from broken preciious princess.. you are so smart, you are not the average girl thank goodness. you thinkk with your brain and have so much wisdom and intellect. your gorgeous and beautiful, God-fearing, and your simply yourself... Thursdays are so hard noelle, and fridays, nothing will stop that, no matter how much    coffee or sleep i get, i cannot bandage exhaustion from  the weeks previous. Babe, nnno matter the distance, im here.. im your friend forever. Yesterday was so amazing noelle.. movies with my best friend and her brother :) bliss... favorite part? you standing on my toes and smiling at me with ur beautiful smile and giving me the best hug in the world. i fell aleep to that memory, and im never letting go of it. I never regret falling in love with you, because every single day and youve shown me love i have never imagined possible... everyday has been better than the dayy before princess, and iim so grateful to have you in my life.. noelle, the coffee, the stick, walking you to class, coming here to your work,,,  thats not even a fraction of what you have done for me... consistantly you have wrote sweet blogs, given me panera, asked me about my day, listened to me, helped me... cleaned santanna, the most amazing and rxprnsive coat and scarf ive ever owned, gave me hope, and gave me a place to feel at home in your heart.. u trust me and the Lord brought you into my life noelle, i cannot help but thank him for bringing you into  my  life. im mad courtny robbed my time with you, but it's ok, because i know i have my whole life with you noelle, and who knows what the Lord has planned for us, it may be as simple as an    apartment in the city or a cozy house by the ocean, but one thing i know, i dont care of the life circumstances, i dont care where im at or how hard the brevities of life may be,,, because all i need is the Lord and you at my side to help me thr
ought the shadows i may face. You got me through today princess, i enjoy doing things for you, i enjoy making you smile and trying to be sweet, i enjoy our conversations and sitting next to you in speech, i enjoy sitting with you and your  brother and sister, i enjoy our intimate times of love, and the soft soft kisses at the movies,  i enjoy watching you work sooo very hard at work.. you know? i would hire you to work for me at my work babe, you would work circles around the guys i work with :) todays sermon was exactly what i needed for a thursday and friday, things will be hard, and things will be rough, but expect them, look ahead, and get out of the way and let the  Lord move.. i expect school to be hard baby, and not seeing you as often to be hard but i look ahead and i see my future with you, and it is truly amazing... and i just need to watch the Lord work in our lives babe, he has done so much for us as it is. we need too start thinking about scrapbook ideas babe, i have a request, i want some of your drawings in it, i loved watching you draw the rolling hills and trees in class today, you are sooo very talented.thank you for everything.. i enjoyed my day with you princess, te amo,

With all love,
to my best friend,
Levi

So far apart

It's really sad that I'm so depressed right now. You came all the way to my Panera from the school, took a day off of work to just be within my view, and yet I'm so sad I could just walk away from break early so I could go cry...

And yet we're so far apart. You're talking with Courtney, as if she doesn't get enough attention from every single guy that works here or walks through the doors, as if she isn't the popular new hire that is stealing all my h
ours. You're so unreachable. You're so far away, it's like there is this huge void between us and I don't know why. I can't talk to you, even before she came, all I could do was look at you and ache for the giant lack of words in my power... just this huge sadness.
I am sorry.
I am sorry because thursdays are just horrible and there's nothing to do about it. Or maybe I'm just horrible, because no measure of wonder and compassion and kindness can fix this stupid broken girl. Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my computer broke and Ic an't blog.
I'm sorry my RA will be coming tonight and I didn't think to tell you.
I'm sorry that I want more than I can have.
I'm sorry about the car crash that meant we can't be together, because of me.
I'm sorry you fell in love with me.
I'm sorry you're so wonderful and I'm so horrible.
I'm so sorry that I'm alive and not dead. I just wish I were.
I thought that desire would be gone forever, but it's back. It's back, and it keeps styaing here, and I hate it. I hate it but it's true and it's real.

I'm just really sorry, Levi.
Please go away so I can't hurt you.
Please go away so you can't hurt me.
Please.