Onslaught of Thoughts...

I remember the last time I ever had a run-in with the police, a serious one. It was in Pekin at Christmas exactly a year ago, just days before I arrived at Heartland. There was a glorious sledding hill, perfectly sloped, optimum incline, pristine with a foot of freshly-fallen snow. At the top was a cluster of pines; but the bottom was open all the way to a slow leveling up to the back country road. It used to be "the hangout" for high schoolers in Pekin to go sledding, but recently, a ritzy golf club bought the property and spent over a million dollars redeveloping the grass. Now, the hill was private property even though it still stood without any fencing, open and inviting, and there was even a big red sign that said No Sledding No Skate Boarding No Trespassing! Well, Brad and Andrea used to sled there as children so they wanted to dare it; I was wildly adventurous, and I thought breaking the law was so much fun... I mean really, who cares? Well, the patrol car that came by and saw us cared for sure. He lectured us for a good half hour, wrote down all our information, and since we were all over 18, threatened to give us 1,000$ fines. Wow... I remember the fright. He was realllllly mad, furious even, because we'd taken a picture with our sleds next to the No Sledding sign... haha we were so stupid, but it was fun.... I can sympathize for the poor guy. He only refrained from filing the tickets when we found out that I was a missionary kid.... Praise God, or else I would have lost the money my dad gave me for my downpayment on five stupid minutes.
I remember the time before that. Also in Pekin.... the first night that Brad lost it with Andrea, dragging her into the dark.... slamming the door.... leaving me crazy with terror. I ran... I grabbed my knife, flew through the screen door into the sunset, and ran as far as my legs could carry me.... I remember the phone calls, ringing and ringing... first Andrea's number, then Andrea's mom's, then Brad's... the voicemails, the threats... And the sound of sirens surrounding me, filling the night, lights flashing into the dark heavens, bouncing off the ancient brick of the cathedral hiding me.... I remember them waiting for me when I was dragged back to the house, at an insane hour of the morning, I remember the questions and threats and the psychologist... I remember the sickness that burned my body and seared my soul with permanent scars.


I suppose it shouldn't be a huge shock to me that once again I'm doing something stupid and getting in trouble with the police, but.... it stings. I thought I had learned my lesson, thought I'd grown up a bit since those days.... I'm so ashamed. Worse, I dragged you into it in my own way, and I'm never going to forget that knock on the window that jolted me from heaven to earth faster than a falling thunderbolt....

I'm tired. I'm not going to lie. I'm sick and tired of the rules. Of the strain. Of trying so hard not to get near the edge of what's allowed, and hating that restraint... I'm tired of hurting alone. I'm tried of not being there for you in a tangible way, the way it tears me up when your voice is tired and your face haggard, and I have to deny myself the right to wrap you in a hug.... I'm tired of it. I'm weary of second guessing every person that glances at me in the hall, in the dorm, at church.... I'm weary of the confines of my dorm.... I'm weary of school work due every morning, and the heavy load of responsibility waiting for me each night at work... I'm sick and tired and in my heart, rebellion is forming a deep little hole, rising in the wake of my waning courage.

Today for PSD, I had to do a report on 1 Cor 9:24-27. This verse is underlined and highlighted multiple times in my Bible, for its one of my life verses. I quoted this passage like a mantra in high school, in the University and that first semester at Chicago.... It drove me. It was the spark that inspired me to learn to run, to excel at cross country, to run farther and harder than anyone else... to define a perfect 4.0.... to work full-time and still be asking for more hours.... It was the core of my passion, it was my self-discipline.

"Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain!"

"And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible"

"I therefore run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway."

What can I say? Those verses say it all. Yeah, everyone tries. But only a very few people succeed. And I always wanted to succeed... I always wanted to be the very, very best... But it's a commitment. You have to set yourself for it. You have to count the cost, make the sacrifices. You have to run knowing that it's going to hurt, but keep running. For the sheer joy of it. For the shining goal at the end.You have to keep your eyes focused. You can't look at the other people lagging behind and slow down because of them. You have to push yourself, and push yourself when you're tired, and push yourself when you're ready to quit, and just tough it out and keep running... keep running... one lap, twenty, fifty, a hundred, three hundred... as many as it takes, until your body explodes from the power of it all.


I need you, Levi.
I'm scared. I'm shaken. I'm alone. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm in love with you. Every fiber of me needs you, so badly....

I keep thinking about everything we talked about in the car, so I won't forget. Having other friends to help us. I just need to find someone I can vent to, who can encourage me and support me and hold me accountable to be strong. I want to make that list, goals each week, goals to focus on, so I don't see the pain and exhaustion in my life so much.... I need to pray more. I need to ask God forgiveness for my pitiful performance so far. I know better; and He's not happy with me. I need to just cling to his Word, and just... draw my strength from it, rather than depending on you all the time for my happiness. Because you're tired too, and sick as well at times, and because I love you I share your pain... so it's hard. And I just need to run. I need to get up, and stretch the old muscles, and drink some gatorade, and go run. And burn through the fat of complacency, and burn through the pain as the muscles break down, and burn through the exhaustion, and burn through the sick pleasure of the second wind, and just run... Just run. Run, and keep running. To take my body and my mind and my spirit and my hopes and dreams and fears and bring them under me, into subjection. To fight, and fight well... not uncertainly, like someone just swinging wildly and drunkenly into the air; but with focus, with precision, and when I miss... to shake it off, and put back up my gloves, and swing again and pray I'll smack the living daylights out of that boxing bag.....

This is just a bunch of my thoughts from today. This semester is ALMOST halfway over!! And I don't want to look back with regrets, Levi. I think we will.... if we don't change, we'll always look back and say, "well, we made New Years resolutions but.. yeah.... I mean, we tried, but..." And I don't want that. That's pitiful. That's unacceptable... I want to look back with pride. I want to look back with a sense of success, a sense of accomplishemnt.... I want to look back like we won something, Levi. You and I. Like an amazing team, pulling the other through the hard time, encouraging the other to never give up... No matter how infuriated and frustrated I get, no matter how tired and fed up you get... to just keep running.... to keep fighting... to keep doing our very best.

I think that's what God wants of me. I know He deserves that of me. I know I have it in me, or I did once.... and I want this semsester to find that strength again, Levi. I want this semester to make me stronger. Really stronger. And better. And brighter. And sweeter. And more in love with God. And closer to Him. And more faithful to what I know, know, in my heart is right

And if I can do that,.... then this summer I'll be someone who is maybe almost even worth being your girlfriend, someone ready to start out on the amazing adventure of an official, public relationship....

More than anything else, I want to be a positive addition to your life this semester.
And I need your help, babe.

I love you.
Tebya lublyu! Ochen ochen. =)
Your girl, always and forever......