So far apart

It's really sad that I'm so depressed right now. You came all the way to my Panera from the school, took a day off of work to just be within my view, and yet I'm so sad I could just walk away from break early so I could go cry...

And yet we're so far apart. You're talking with Courtney, as if she doesn't get enough attention from every single guy that works here or walks through the doors, as if she isn't the popular new hire that is stealing all my h
ours. You're so unreachable. You're so far away, it's like there is this huge void between us and I don't know why. I can't talk to you, even before she came, all I could do was look at you and ache for the giant lack of words in my power... just this huge sadness.
I am sorry.
I am sorry because thursdays are just horrible and there's nothing to do about it. Or maybe I'm just horrible, because no measure of wonder and compassion and kindness can fix this stupid broken girl. Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my computer broke and Ic an't blog.
I'm sorry my RA will be coming tonight and I didn't think to tell you.
I'm sorry that I want more than I can have.
I'm sorry about the car crash that meant we can't be together, because of me.
I'm sorry you fell in love with me.
I'm sorry you're so wonderful and I'm so horrible.
I'm so sorry that I'm alive and not dead. I just wish I were.
I thought that desire would be gone forever, but it's back. It's back, and it keeps styaing here, and I hate it. I hate it but it's true and it's real.

I'm just really sorry, Levi.
Please go away so I can't hurt you.
Please go away so you can't hurt me.
Please.