Third Letter

This is the third letter that I will give to my dad to give to you, when he thinks the timing is right. I am scared to give it to him. But I am wholeheartedly determined to do what is right.
And when I think about the dishonest lifestyle we had, I think about this blog. And as wonderful as it was, and I never want to lose the precious words you have written here, I regret that I chose to start this blog up to help in a dishonest lifestyle. It is my dream that someday, if the Lord would be merciful enough to me to bring you back to me, that we can start up this blog again as a new thing, upright before the Lord and glorifying to him. That is my prayer. That is all I want anymore. What is right.
I miss you still, and I love you, little Levi.
You are in my heart and my prayers.

Dear Levi,
It's been nine months since that night that ended with spilled hot chocolate and broken hearts. That is the time it takes to grow a whole new human being, amazingly enough, and it has been my prayer all through these long months that God would do just that - create in me a clean heart, a right spirit, a renewed life. As He has been faithful to chasten me and try me, I have been obedient to follow. You told me to focus on God, and that is what I have been doing. More than ever before, I have been able to devote myself to seeing my life clearly through God's eyes and bringing it to the surrender of His work. And now, He has told me to write you.
It's been a long, hard journey to look at each mistake I made that night in January, and all the ones leading up to it and after it, and bring them before God. Humiliating, is the best word. But for something to be humbled, it is indicated that there must first be present pride. And that has been the great struggle. To surrender my pride to God day by day, and submit myself to the fire of his chastisement. How kind a Father, to take a worthless pile of rags and gently, consistently work to form them to His glory rather than merely discarding them. How great He is.
This letter is an apology. Because the biggest thing God has revealed to me day by day is how many ways that I wronged you. Not just during the time when you left me, but all the way back to the very beginning. It has been like looking at a puzzle, seeing three years of events and trying to sort through motives, circumstances, and actions. But God has been working to reveal something to me, and I have been praying that He would bring me to the place where He could open my eyes. While home in Kharkov, He did.
I want you to know that this hasn't come easily. My parents and I have been praying very deeply each day for months and months. If any man seek wisdom, let him ask of God. And to see the puzzle slowly shift into place, and the bigger picture pull out into focus, has been... unspeakable. Amazing, and yet agonizing. I think it has been such slow progress because I am not a superhero. Satan has used my circumstances, my memories, my enemies, to try to get me to give up. And honestly, I can't say I haven't wanted a renewed relationship with God more than a renewed relationship with you. And God doesn't want to be equal, he wants to be greatest in my life. I've come to realize that I can't get you back, you are gone. Gone, gone. It was not until I was able to accept that and let you go that God began to just shout out to me from heaven again. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, for he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord.
Do you remember when I asked you at The West for a passage of Scripture to prove that God had led you to make the decision to leave me? Quite honestly, you thumbed around your Bible and tried to avoid the request so long that when you finally showed me Amos 5, I could not truly believe in my heart that God had led you regarding us through that passage, whether it was your first sermon or not. But I marked that passage in my Bible, and I have read the chapter every single day since. I haven't missed once. Because it didn't make sense to me, and I wanted it to.
...Ye have built houses of hewn stone, but ye shall not dwell in them; ye have planted pleasant vineyards, but ye shall not drink wine of them. That is the verse you said spoke of us. Of you, and of me. You called me a stumbling block. Frankly, you shocked me. Seek ye the Lord... was the passage you left me with. You said a lot of things that day that were not true, and a lot of things that you turned around and contradicted by your actions. But the words you gave me, and that passage, remained with me.
And I don't know what your intentions were with that chapter, but I wanted to share with you what God has revealed to me, and He used that passage to help a little. Because he finally showed me why when I look back at my young adult years, I see a repeating story of loss. Failure. Grief. And I couldn't figure it out, maybe because I'm naive, or maybe because like the Bible says, the heart truly is deceitful. All I know is that I could evaluate my actions, recognize my mistakes, and try to rectify them. And that's what I've been doing one by one. But the bigger picture kept nagging at me.
Why didn't God do anything? It was like a cry from a starving child in my heart. God, why? When I prayed for you to be there, you withheld your hand. It says that the king's heart is in God's hand, and yet he didn't change your heart towards me. Why, God? He was my refuge, my shield, my strong shoulder for all the pain and tears and loss. But he didn't move for me, and I didn't know why until just a little while ago, when he showed me the bigger picture of things.
Do you remember when we first started talking? I was never able to go all the way back to the very first Facebook message, but I can remember the time frame. It was autumn, the fall semester I sat out after my car wreck. You noticed I wasn't there, and we started talking. It didn't take long for my heart to fall very much in love with everything you were, without even having seen you in person much. And I couldn't understand why, when I began to realize how much you meant to me, that God let the school write the letter to put me on probation in condition to my return. It seemed so unfair.
We talked about it, and frankly, I agreed to the conditions on the outside but wholeheartedly knew I had no intentions of submitting in reality. Remember the airport? IHOP? From the very beginning, I had a choice to either submit to authorities I disagreed with and sacrifice some of my relationship with you, or fulfill my own selfish wants. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to talk with you. It was a choice that I made. The difficulty of my circumstances only made your kindness more desirable. But it was a choice to be dishonest with the people I am to show respect to, namely my authorities... my parents, and the school. And for that, I am very sorry.
I am sorry because as wonderful as falling in love with you was, I clung to you and cried fearing that it couldn't be real, that kind of happiness, and I fear that it would end. Remember the tears every time you had to leave Nichols Hills? I was so scared to sacrifice six months of the beginning, but in the end... I see I gave up the sixty years of the end. How could I be so stupid? I don't know. I can only recognize that I was wrong, and ask you for your forgiveness. I chose to begin a dishonest lifestyle, and I was wrong to include you in it.
And God continued to show me how that one step often leads to another. And if refusing to respect the wishes of my authorities regarding the existence of the relationship with you was one thing, next I ignored their wishes regarding the parameters of that relationship. I don't have to talk about them in this letter. I know you remember. And I remember how reluctant you were, and how we prayed about it, and how much we struggled. And I remember being so confused about everything. Because a doubleminded man is unstable in all his ways. And trying to walk uprightly with you while walking dishonestly before others was absolutely painful. But it was the choice that I made, because all I could see was the present. The brevity of life. And the huge press of my own desires and longings, my own dreams and wishes. And I feel that I was the guilty party, that it was at my hand that we experienced so much turmoil and darkness during those months. It is a sure sign that God was trying to work, to fight against Satan's attacks, but ultimately I was never willing to sacrifice my relationship with you to do the right thing. And for that, I am very sorry.
Summer came, and autumn, and we now had freedom to be together and those were the very best days to me. But God hadn't been honored when we began to build our relationship, and it was on slippery grounds. I think that we had a good chance. I think that both of us, ultimately, wanted to glorify God and help people. But all the fighting that slowly crept it was bred off of a lifestyle of selfishness that had been the key from the very beginning of our relationship. I firmly, and completely, beleive that God brought us together. I'll never forget the day you came to ask me to pray about going to help in Ukraine, because you were so afraid that I would be angry. But I wasn't, remember? Because all I could see was the amazing hand of God entwining something special. Remember the letters you would write me? Long letters filled with Scripture. I read the letter you wrote about God sealing our letters together, entwining the cords of our life, and I remember how God revealed to me and to my parents that our love was from His blessing. But like so many blessings of God, Satan introduced difficult days and cold and dark times... and since I'd been developing this lifestyle of selfishness (without really even recognizing it) when the fighting began, it was merely a fulfillment of that selfishness.
For all the things I said, all my actions and words that hurt you so badly during the holidays when we were apart, for my desire to close things up with Brandon rather than consider your feelings, for my selfishness regarding the date at The Vast in the Devon Tower... for so many failures and hurtful memories... all I can offer is my penitent and sincere apology. How can I ever express how truly deep the grief runs? At what was lost, and what I did.
And in the end, when we fought over a thermos of hot chocolate, and my phone, and the snow around us was flying in the heat of our passions, God was very far away. All we had left was the selfishness. So you ran, and I chased you to yell, and you never came back down from that hill.
Do you know how many times over the spring semester I would go to that hill and sit on the bench and cry? So many times. Because when I looked at that hill, I saw my failure. I saw the ultimate destruction of the thing I loved and cherished the most, and that was my Levi, my little prince with so much potential. And I grieved at my failure, and I began to pray and seek God. And it's been a very long, long nine months since that day as God has chastised me in regards to so much wickedness in my heart.
For three things, He has told me to ask your forgiveness. The first was regarding Brandon, and that was the first letter I wrote. The second was regarding my temper, and that was the second letter. For my dishonesty, and selfishness, and lack of respect for my parents and God and eventually you... this is the third letter. That you stood by my side for so long is amazing to me, and I want to thank you for each kindness you gave to me. I am sorry for the magnitudes of the wrong I have given to you. I know that saying I'm sorry doesn't really amount to much. If I can ever demonstrate it for you, I would be more than willing.
I took all your things and I put them in a box. Not like my Andri box, which was like a great chain around my neck dragging up the pain from the past. But I wanted to take the good memories, and the love that the Lord gave to us, and I want to remember the good. I remember to remember what I learned, everything you gave to me, everything you taught me, everything you made me want to be. And I have given that box to God, and placed it in His hands, which is what I should have done the very first time I realized that I was going to love you forever. It isn't mine to keep. It doesn't belong in my hands.
You have been, and will always be, every day in my prayers to God.
Galatians 6:1-11 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For every man shall bear his own burden. Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things. Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith. Ye see how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
Sincerely,
Noelle O'Brien

Sommerset

I drove more than an hour cutting through the winding highway of Oklahoma City, southbound, every mile bringing me closer and closer to where you are... somewhere out there. I wish I knew where. But I turned off the highway and skimmed through the beautiful, stunning streets of the far southside, where I'd never been before, shocked at the wealth and beauty around me. And when I pulled into the Sommerset assisted living center, I felt that I was back in Indiana, in a tiny but wealthy city of Valporaiso. Because both times, I was all alone. My dreams had been shattered. And all I had was my trying. Back then, I met Andrea. And as we sang to old people with no hope and I fell in love with them and their stories, I fell in love with her, too. But they all died on me. Every one, and most of all her. She was my best friend and those days, in the nursing home, were our very best. Before Satan attacked us... before I fell, again and again. When I look back I see so many things she did wrong but most of all I see myself. Because I was wrong. And I'll never get to go back and fix it all. Those years are broken and always will be. And this time? I walked into the nursing home and no one was there but little old people who looked at me through cloudy eyes and stretched out shaky, wrinkly hands to welcome me. And I felt a lump in my throat. Because we were going to start this ministry up together, and we never got the chance. And I miss you... I miss everything we never got to do, everything we never got to be. It's okay, you know, I don't hate you or think badly at all... because when I look back, and I think about things like when you ran from me at the caffeteria that day like I was a plague, rather than a human being and your hurting friend... all I see is me. I see myself. My mistakes. Too many to count. So much confusion, so much pain, and so much failure. Again and again.... I see all I did wrong. And I pray for you to come back. I pray and pray and pray myself breathless... and I don't know if it will ever happen. More and more all I hear in my head are those horrible, senseless words you slapped in my face, "Time will continue to go on." So I wrap my bleeding heart in my chest and put on a soft white blouse and drive an hour to sit and visit with the old people.... whose lives have been lived, lost, loved, and broken, too. And I miss you there... but I'm so glad I'm here with them. Because I can help them. Because they can help me. Maybe it's the missing piece, you know? When the past blurs with the future. When the pitiful existence I spend each day ends up with some tiny blossom of meaning.

A Thousand Years

"......And the seven years was as one day, for the love he had to her." That is my favorite love story of the Bible. Not any other one. Just that one. Because that is love. And in just 10 days, it will be month 8 and I'm so terrified. Because you've gone home, and now you're back, and you're asking Tim when he will be back and its' so so soon and the summer hasn't changed anything and I'm terrified for the autumn, for the cold to come, for the darkness. Because it is coming. And everything I read in the Bible, every song I hear, ever sermon, is preparing me for it.
And when I lie down at night, and the tears burn down my cheeks, and I can't understand why, why still? why after so long? All I can think of is that verse. And this song. And even if it's seven years, I would wait for you forever, Levi. Even if it was a thousand....

Music Video Here

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

UpSiDe DoWn

Do you know what it's like to have your past run circles around you? To feel so trapped you go back to writing on a blog that the other person doesn't even remember, will never look at again, just throwing your wasted words into the black abyss of cyberspace? To feel so choked up that you're on break just because if you have to think for one more minute on the job you're going to burst into tears?
Why did you leave me, Levi? Why? Didn't you mean anything that you said on this blog? Didn't a single post, a single letter, leave any lasting reverberation in your heart? How can you be so blissful with the Noelle void in your life now? Except it isn't a void, because you patched it up pretty fast with the Tim filler and Anna filler and New Job Position filler. And here I am, still spinning my wheels, still thwarted by my past, still trapped in the pain and agony that your void leaves. Because you aren't replacable to me. Not for a minute, not for a day, not for seven months. You just weren't. I loved you that real. And you, did you love me at all? Please come back. Please tell me it was real. Everything is falling apart on me. I've tried to move on, to find some peace, to find some new life, some new anything. And my past keeps rushing back over me, everywhere I try to run from it. I just want to get away from it, to forget it. I threw my Andri box into the dumpster and I swore I would never remember but they won't let me. Credit reports, medical reports, the DMV, they all just keep hounding me. How could you judge me for hanging onto the past when it refuses to let me go as well? I tried to be the girl you wanted, who was free of the past, and it was just a lie. All I lost were the good memories, the sweet tangible evidence that in all that bad there was good. And I threw it all away. I threw it all away for you, for the boy who told me he loved me but didn't mean it. Not deep down where forever resounds in his soul. Because you walked away. You walked away, and you left me with all this mess. And I'm drowning. I'm drowning in it. I can't find up, I can't find down. I can't move forward because there is nothing there for me but more pain, more suffering from the choices of my past. And the good things in the past? The thing like... you? I will never get that back either.
Because it's days like today when I'm trapped and alone and the tears won't stop flowing and I have to go back to my high stress job in just a few horrible minutes and.... I'm sitting here writing on this blog. Because I didn't want you to go. I tried so hard to get you back. All I've ever done is fail.I've failed everything in my life. Every single thing. Every. Single. thing. And none of them, as important as you, and yet... none of them as final as you. Because you're gone today. You're always gone. And you always will be. You left me on my own and you are never, ever, coming back. You will always walk right by your Noelle and turn your smiles on someone else. There is nothing left for Noelle. nothing nothing at all.
Levi, why?

Seven Months

Oh, Levi. July 13th has come and gone... another month tucked into history, never to be erased. Why did you leave me? At what point did you stop loving and praying and turn... cold? To walk away and never look back? Oh, I saw you on Sunday all by yourself. I imagine Anna has gone back home, was ill, something. But it was the most bittersweet, hopeful sight I've seen all summer. My Levi... and the place at his side open. My place, waiting for me again. It was hard not to let the tears fall in the choir loft. Oh, Levi. How can I love you so much? Still? It's easy, really.... just go reread your own post from June 2nd, last summer. When we made our pinky promises to each other. When you compared us to tattered, fraying ropes, and the only strength that could keep us together is the 3rd cord of God intertwining us. Oh, to just read that... and I am awash with regret, shame, and repentance for all the times I let you down, God down. And the prayers and tears mingle from sadness to joy, because I know, I know, deep in my heart... I love you still. I'll do anything to try again. To make it. I'm still here... still here in Oklahoma City though I'm terrified... and I'm still praying and waiting all alone... and I love you more each day.
I know you are home today. Home... Washington... the beautiful castle in the sky to me. Did you fly? Who dropped you off? Did they give you a hug, a tight one, and tuck a letter in your hand to read on the plane? Did they text you in Los Vegas' layover? Are they praying for you, as I am, right now? Oh... I hope it is a good visit home. I'm so confused by all the time you have been able to take off work since you left me.. the Southern Jubilee, the Preaching Conference Week, the Banquet... and now, three weeks? That's what Davina told my mom... But oh. I can't express the joy inside my hurting heart. That my Levi could be home, could rest... oh, it makes me so happy... so wistfully jealous. I want to go home so badly.... And yet, I really want to go to you... You are my home.
I found this song randomly. I don't like the original by Jason Mraz quite as much as this cover by a little teen girl, because... it's easy to hear my voice instead of hers. But as I sat at the latest game night with all the Heartland Singles and Crossbearers and they poked me about not crushing on anyone yet... I looked over at the sunset and let the beauty and warmth wash across my pale, sad skin. Because I'm not alone. You're memories, your spirit, is in the chair right beside me. If i reach out my hand... I can remember what it felt like to have your hand hold mine. And it gives me hope. I will never want anyone else but you. You said it was not in your nature to hate? It is not in my nature to let go. Not ever.....

This song is for you.
I hope someday, you hear it on your own. And I hope that you think of your little Noelle. She misses you so much tonight.


I Won't Give Up on Levi

July

Dear Levi,
the sky is soft and dark tonight, a beautiful kind of quiet that comes with the settling of earth into sleep under heaven's watching care. The sky at Brixton Square, facing west, is always light up with spectacular sunsets but it has always been the twilight that I love most. The moment when I can almost hear the world nestling down into sleep. When timid deer cross the pastures, bunny rabbits snuggle close in their hollows, and lonesome owls take wing into the night. The moment when the skies are coming out, one by one, glittering and shining against the fading light of the day. The clouds are deep indigo and sapphire, layers of blue and darker blue and darker blue to black against the treeline. This is my favorite time of day, but it is almost the saddest.
May was agonizing, exhausting, blisteringly cruel.
June... just was Idabel. June was the slow seep of acceptance into my soul. June was restful.
July... July has been hard. The hysteria started up again, the tears, the sleepless nights with nightmares and screams for you. Horrible nightmares, your presence so close and so untangible. Always reciting the ways I have failed. The ways I have never been good enough. Not for Dri, not for you. July has been panicky. Changes with Panera. My new job at TGIF. Changes with my rent. Changes on the outside, changes on the inside. The anniversary of my car wreck... the renewal of the despair. If God is always going to take away the things I love and dream for, then why doesn't he just take me to be in heaven with him? The thought has been resurrected in my broken, lonely heart. But I know he wouldn't let me die for a reason... I try to find it. I try every day to make a difference for someone, to leave a reason for why I existed today. I am trying to be a better person than I was two years ago, and while the pain is still as bad, it's amazing how different I am than back then. God is with me always now. His comforter.... what would I do without him? I cannot feel him, but I know he is here. Every minute.
I miss you. You look happy, in church, from across the great expanse when I see you. You look boyish and energetic and happy. I am glad, because I pray each day for you. But you look skinnier... are you eating okay? Do you have enough money? I hope the 300$ I put on your last school bell helped you start out for summer. Did you get AC in Santanna, or are you dealing with the heat okay? I worry about you... pray... pray... pray. I never stop thinking about you, not a single minute of the day. There is not a person, situation, or moment I am in that does not somehow bring you into my mind. But as I think about you, I pray. Pray without ceasing, and I do. If you never let me be anything more in this world, I will be your biggest prayer warrior.
I miss you. I am still dealing with the hurt of what you did to my father. I don't want to forgive you, but holding resentment against you is wrong... but its' hard when you have hurt someone whom I love and respect. Why did you do it? How could you do it? When I grapple with the shock of it, I have to remember that I don't understand how you have done anything that has happened in the past seven months.
Seven months..... oh my word, how much times keeps draining by.
Will you never think of your little Noelle again?? Never???
Even if you don't... she will never give up on you.
She made a promise. A pinky promise, even.
To a little boy with caramel eyes in an empty parkinglot on the northeast edge of town, when he told her how his dad would make those pinky promises.
And she can't ever break it.
Because she meant it.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
I will never give up and leave you.
Seven months... they seem like 7 days.... for the love I have towards you, my sweet prince.
Come back soon.

Letters to Levi: A Beginnng

Is it possible that true love exists? The kind of love that is emulated in God's, the kind that never dies, never fades away, never grows cold to an end? A love that can be hurt, betrayed, broken, rejected, and abandoned but yet somehow emulates God's endless forgiveness and never gives up? For whatever reasons may be firmly rooted in your mind, you left me sweet Levi, and if I were to focus on your love alone I would despair that true love exists. So many hurts over the past five months and five days. I know you did not intend to bring me hurt, but you did, and I thought my heart would close on you like it did on Andrea when she abandoned me for the final time. I could not cling to God until I had let go of my love for her in my heart. But when you left me, cling to God is exactly what I did. It was turbulent at first, confusing and desperate, and I know that I have failed many times this semester thanks to the never-tiring work of my great adversary the Devil. But it was a little after the service I posted about here last, when I think I came to the point where if God took my love for you away it would be okay. I would grieve the loss, much like the death of a beloved, but I would be okay somehow. Ultimately, my existence cannot be centered around the people in my life but about glorifying God. This truth was learned after my car wreck on July 4th, 2011 and tested during the dark final semester you left me. I knew God would test it, and even in boundless pain and panic, I knew I wasn't going to fail God in the same way. In a way, being stronger was a lot more painful. To push yourself to go to class, to smile, to keep wiping away the tears, but more than that - the constant, incessant prayers to God all day long to keep any stray root of bitterness or despair from finding soil. In the end, when I was finally able to come to the place where I could give you up forever and it just be me and God, God wrapped me in great warmth. My body still goes cold with shock when the pain hits, the stunning blows from reality. I guess in my head even today, you have not really left me. Even with all the steps you have taken to move on, in my head, you still love me because in my heart, I still love you. But the coldness doesn't permeate my soul. It takes captive my body, but God gives my spirit strength. Strength to pray for you each day. Strength to walk across the stage at graduation. Not too long ago, Noelle had no strength. She passed out, multiple times, sought alcohol, cut herself, vomited. Although I haven't been able to be completely victorious in every moment of the hundred days, there is a different Noelle and I am so grateful for the change that God has been able to make in my life. Part of it is due to other people, but the biggest part is due to you. Thank you, Levi, for loving me when I was a mess and helping me find my strength in God. I can never repay you that debt.
Lately, sitting on the couch in the dark, trying to contemplate the future, the quiet, desperate question seeks the heavens. What now, God? And he keeps reminding me of that night on Grand Boulevarde by the church, your tears in the dark, the very last time you held me. "Can we just write letters?" you pleaded. Agh, I recall your letters, your posts on the blog. So eloquent, so blissful, so exquisite. You never wrote me another letter, and even though I tried, my driving away in frustration and anger spoiled the later effort to do as you asked. The regret is bitter yet, sharp still. I make so many mistakes.
But to make mistakes is to learn. "Success teaches you nothing, mistakes everything," someone once said. God has had more classroom access in my heart and mind this semester than in a very long time. Back to the drawing board. Back to analyzing my failures, repenting, accepting His forgiveness, and embarking on a sanctified turn. It's such hard work. I have so many areas in which to grow, but the key to them all is like I posted before. That fire.
I was talking to my mom yesterday about how forgiving you for Anna at this point isn't even an issue in my mind. I pray for you and her, and I do it with sincerty. My family is fiercely loyal and maybe even devicively so, but it was you who taught me how to accept people's differences without hatred or bitterness. To just accept what you are doing, and pray about it. But more importantly, to pray for me about it. To keep my focus on me, but never cease praying for you. While I talked with my mom, the tears fell as they do every single day. But they were bittersweet tears, as I recalled a few precious memories with you. And the biggest thing in my memories is your gentleness in the way you loved me. Not any kind of gentleness, a Levi gentleness. I've never encountered anything like it.
"If I treated you the way you treated me, you'd have left a long time ago," you once said to me when we were fighting. And I knew even then that you were right. How many times have I done the unthinkable? Said the inexcusable? It was as if my lessons learned in Chicago were of no effect in my life. I am ashamed. Have long been ashamed. But oh, the way you treated me? Even now it makes my heart soften and glow. Levi's gentleness. If I did anything wrong, I surely never heard it from you. Maybe once or twice. But even then your rebuke was so gentle. Sincere, but sincerely gentle. I've never known love like that. And if I could have any change in my life, it would be to love like you loved me.
It's hard. My family doesn't treat me that way, and neither does anyone else. But I have seen it. I know what it feels like, what it looks like, what it sounds like. And each day I pray that God will break me until I have nothing left of self, of that frustration, that impatience, that selfishness, nothing left at all but His gentleness and grace. Oh, that someday you would come back and I could have the chance to love you like you loved me. Oh, what I would give for that chance.
It may never come. I have accepted that, but refuse to fulfill it. I continue to pray. And God takes me back to that night, when you said, "Write letters." And I don't know what to say. I am so afraid to hurt you, to make you disappointed or frustrated with me. Writing you is so hard, because it is an empty exercise. You don't read these letters, and you don't write back. There is nothing but emptiness at the end of them, and the grief of loss.
But I can't get away from it. So I am just going to write, and come of it what may.
I am going to call this new change in the blog LETTERS TO LEVI from now on, even though I can't bring myself to chance the actual URL name. I'll never be able to replace the binary name you put there, for it bring back such wonderful memories. Precious memories, of my precious Levi.
I want you to know I still love you, and am praying that God brings me to the place where He can bring you back, and you to the place where He can bring you back. Because I am assured in my soul that we, us, that is the union of Levi and Noelle's lives, was the will of God and still is. No one else may believe, but I do. Charity hopeth all things, endureth all things... charity never fails.

Revival

I don't really know what the use is putting this here. I just know that if I had the opportunity to talk to you about what God is doing in my life... I would really want you to know. I would want you to know why I am different. I would want you to know that I am. And I would hope that you would pray for me.
It all happened Sunday. 100 days after you left me, after that terrible blowup, and I was begging God for any kind of relief. Thursday I saw that you took the very last tokens of me in your life down and stored them in an old box and I saw Anna and Tim and you at work and I hit rock bottom. I had never known how deep the pain could go, how violently the blood could burn, and how deeply the sobs could wrench. Or how far the screams could echo. How vivid the despair could emulate. I thought that I knew loss when I lost Andrea. I had never felt loss like I did that night.
But I read a quote that says, Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you can discover that He is the Rock at the bottom. Quotes have come to mean so much to me recently. And that one is true, in a way, that when I hit bottom I clung to God's unfathomable love for me like a drowning kitten to its mother in a state-wide flood. I clung for my life, my very sanity, my very existence. I clung to God because I would not choose you over Him like I did with Andrea. Because in this horror, in this abandonment, I was not going to turn my back on God again. I was going to run to Him. And run to him I did.
I've been begging and pleading and wrestling with God for 100 days. This is not the place to recap all that we have discussed and learned together, God and I, over this time. But turning to God in the service Sunday night, yeilding myself to hear from him, was nothing new. What was new, however, was that I had finally given up keeping you ever again... and God spoke to me. Like, spoke to me. Spoke to me! In tones calm and undeniable, I hear from God himself that night and I took notes so furiously and the tears trickled down my face and Gabby and Joy shot me worried glances and I knew you and Tim were behind me up in the balcony somewhere and I didn't care; didn't care; all I could think about was that God was talking to me, beating me soundly, wrestling with me like he had wrestled with Jacob, and I was frozen in the moment. Utterly prostrate before His holiness. For the first time, like God answered Job after several dozen chapters of bitter agonizing discourse, God had ended my bitter agonizing philabustering and was answering me.
Gird thyself like a man. Stand on thy feet, and answer thou ME.
It was so painful, as if I had been smacked in the head with a two-by-four. It was after you left me, still deep in the winter, that I ran into a metal beam outside work and broke my nose. Smacked myself right in the face and blacked right own. Blood, bruised eyes, the whole nine yards. I spent two days in the back of the house with ice packs piled on my face, wearing a headset so I could answer the drive thru cars and still work some kind of shift, changing the bandages every twenty minutes. I blinding, shocking, 80-mile-an-hour-impact of heavy metal to my face is exactly what it felt like when God began talking to me on Sunday.
It started for some reason with the thought of opposites. If opposites attract, and you and I are so completely opposite, then why did we repell each other? If you are cool, easy, calm and laid back water, and I am deep, fiery, pasionate and agile fire, why didn't we click? Oh I went off thinking and analyzing and all sorts of stuff but God was about to tune my mind to a much deeper reasoning.
I began to think about Anna, and how she accosted me Sunday morning when I was just trying to avoid you all, and how much I hated her. Hated Tim. Hated every time I saw you laughing and smiling and chosing to invest in relationships while you had rejected an investment in our relationship. The hate, the rage, the trembling hysteria, was not far from the brink. And I sat there, thinking about Anna sitting up there with you, suddeny it was like God opened the heavens. I'll record it like I felt it happen.
"Noelle, do you think that I can't bring someone better than you into Levi's life?"
"Huh?"
"Do you think you are the most perfect girl in the universe for Levi?"
"Well.... I mean.... it felt that way.... he said I was..."
"Yes, he did in the beginning. In the end he rejected everythiing about you as being the worst thing in the world for him."
"But... but... I don't think he meant it..."
"What if he did?"
"If he did?"
"What if it were true? And everything about you he hates right now? And he always will?"
"But why would he hate me?!?!"
'Why indeed, Noelle." The accusatory silence, coming from God himself.
My eyes were opened.
"But God, I'm not perfect! Every girl is going to have flaws!"
"Your flaws became more than flaws. Your flaws became the very poison that destroyed his love and ultimately created his hate. He left you, because you have more than flaws."
Me, speechless in pain.
God, quietly persisent. "Do you think that I can't find a girl better than you?"
"Oh God... I know you can..."
"Would you dare to fault Me if I brought Anna into Levi's life because she is goin to be better for him than you were? Better to him?"
"But... but... my whol family enveloped him and loved on him!"
"You think her family can't??"
"But... but... he called me his precious little Noelle!"
"And do you think if I created Anna there are not precious things about her to me that I can lead him to see as well?"
"Oh God!!!!' I sobbed on the inside. "Would you do that to me?"
"Do you not deserve it?"
"Would you take him away when you already took away Dri and Brad?"
"Did you deserve that?"
"Yes.... I know I failed.... I know I messed up. I know I did. I know that I played a huge role in the destruction of that relationship...."
"And you do not to this one?"
Quiet now, contemplating. "You're right God. I do."
"Think about it. What exactly did he say made him run from you?"
"Calling him a coward."
"Did you call Andrea names?"
"Yes, I called her a monster."
"What gives you a right to call them that?"
"Because it was true. At least, it was true to how I felt about them in the situation."
"Noelle, I command my children to speak the turth in love. Were you obeying me?"
"No."
"What is disobedience to my direct commands?"
"It's sin, God."
"Sin, regardless of whether you were correct in how you felt or not. Why else did he run away?"
"I don't know. He insists Brandon isn't part of it but people say that is the reason he gives. That he felt I cheated on him."
"How did he treat you about Nikki and Brenda?"
"He was always so careful about my feelings. He never rbought them up.... I did.... He even said he wanted me on the phone if he called Brenda about his little sister. He was so respectful of me as his girlfriend... and... holy cow, God, I totally disrespected him!!! He was hurting me and I didn't think it would be a big deal but I chose to totally disrespect him in light of how respectfully he had treated me!"
"Do you think that is justifiable? Do you think I can't bring him a girl who will never give place for jealousy or mistrust in his heart?"
"Oh God you can and he deserves such a girl!"
"Why else did he leave you?"
"I don't know. He said once, the day we met during church on Grand Boulevard, when he hurt me so deeply that I fell to the ground weeping, that this was the reason that he was having second thoughts. I remember wanting to die. He was hurting me, and the results of that were the reason he wanted to walk away? It didn't make sense. But I think it wasn't so much the weeping as the hysteria. Because he kept saying, at the Vast, and later at Walmart last thursday, that he didn't want emotion. No emotion. He wanted a family member present so that emotions couldn't get out of control."
"What do you think he meant by that?"
"Well I remember letting them get out of control. I barely think about it because it's so painful, but I remember the day we fought about the Vast reservation, sitting in our cars and glaring and sobbing for hours. I remmeber keying Santanna. I remember screaming bloody murder over the phone. I remember cursing. I remember... Oh God must I continue???"
"Yes. I want you to see the truth of who you are."
"I remember blocking his calls. I remember ignoring when he tried to reach out. I remember punching him that one day when he scared me. I remember texting him dozens of times in hysterical agony. I remember begging and begging and begging like a broken record. I remember that stupid KFC chicken order when I freaked out at the lady regarding the messup, and our same faight after Jimmy John's coming back from Texas. I remember screaming I hated him that fateful night across campus when he ran away. I remember bitching across facebook in my fervor. I remember blocking him. Oh God."
"My daughter, I am ashamed of you."
"I know! I know! Oh God I did these exact same things to Andrea! I did them to her! And she left me and now I've done them to Levi took and he's left me too! Oh God won't you please kill me? Please?! I can't change! I Can't ever change!"
"Noelle, be still. Do you see now that I can bring anyone into his life an she would be a better soulmate for him than you?"
"Oh yes God yes! I am so ashamed! I have been an utter failure! You entrusted me with his heart and I tried but in the end I caved in to my passion and sinful nature and I was the woman in Proverbs who plucked down her home with her own hands! Oh God! There is so much more than I did wrong! I lied to him about not having his keys! I didn't listen to him when he told me to do things, I totally disregarded him!"
"Noelle, be still. You have finally opened your eyes to the truth about your character. You are sinful and destructive. Can you fault me that I have taken Levi from your life?"
"God I can't! It would be so unlike a loving Father that you are to Levi to put him in someone's life like mine. Oh God the shame is burning me so much. Oh God how can I even begin to beg your foriveness? To beg his?"
"My forgiveness is always before you when you earnestly seek it. The time to apologize to him will come later, and you must trust me to bring that day around. Now can you look at Anna and tell me what you see?"
"Oh God I see a girl that you have allowed to enter his life. A girl whom is obviously interested in him. Oh God is hurts so badly, he is my Levi, my love, but if he were to draw to her she would find the most gentle, sweetest friend in the whole world! And God if she can love him more gently than I can, I am so ashamed, please let her love him for me because he deserves it! Oh God, let me weep on your chest a while and confess all this wickedness to you and let me find the solace of your mercy."
-----
A while later
-----
"God, thank you. Thank you for this beating. For opening my eyes... for forgiving me... and for changing my heart. God, I am at such a loss. It seems that you entrust me with precious CHristians and I am used of the Devil to bring pain and anguish into thier life and my own and it results in explosions. God, how can I change? I don't want to lose my fire but God it must be lost because it is burning down everythiing. God, how could you make me with such passion and zeal and deep emotions if there is only an end to them that people hate? God, how should I douse the fire of my passion and not douse my very spirit? God how to do I change without changing me???"
"Listen, and I will talk to you a while."
"Speak, Lord, and I am your humble servant listening now."
"Noelle, did I make you as you are? Did I shape in you the great depth of emotion, passion and fire?"
"Yes, Lord, you did but I am so confused..."
"Shhh. Be still sweetheart while I talk to you."
"Lord, quiet my racing mind so I can hear you clearly."
"I will if you would yeild to my spirit. Noelle, do you think that I would make you just as you are and not provide a while for those things to exist in harmony with your relationships?"
"I had never truly thought about it. It seems everyone tells me they are an evil that must be stifled by the presence of someone else so I don't bother them with my emotions and passion."
"They are wrong. It is only an evil in the end that it brings. And Levi wants another person present bcaus eyou have failed to control your emotions and passion safely yourself."
"Oh."
"Noelle, how do people like fire?"
"What do you mean?"
"Fire that is admired. In waht form is it found?"
"Well.... fireplaces. Like the cozy homey fireplace in Brixton square. Or candelabras. Or lanterns."
"Noelle, your first is a plague because you have been a fire out of control. The fire in you is not the problem. It is the out of control factor that is the problem. The wild fire, devouring, consuming, spreading, errupting, billowing out of control and spewing ash, smoke, death and destruction. That is you, and that is the passion you have. Of course people tell you to douse the fire! And of course they ran. Andrea. Levi. Who wouldn't in thier right minds escape a wild fire like that?!?!"
"Oh Lord."
"Levi once said to you that if he treated you like you treated him, you'd be long gone and he was right and you knew it. Andrea actually said the same thing to you. Don't you see the pattern?"
"Yes, and I am so discouraged by it. God how can I change? I destroy everything."
"Noelle, I created that fire in you and I do not desire to see it extinguished. Noelle, how do people love a fire? Noelle.... you need a lantern."
And in my head, in that moment, I saw the most beautiful illustration from heaven. The hand of God reaching down to my little pitiful flickering flame, and capturing it in the most beautiful, exquisitely crafted, placid glass flute of a lantern.
"Noelle, you need a lantern."
"Oh my...."
"You need the calm, cool, still, tranquil, and placid glass of my holy spirit surrounding your spirit. Noelle, I desire that you burn and burn brightly, just like Paul. But to do that you need to have a shield. A sheild that will keep your fire from spreading out of control, and that is the temperance of the Holy Spirit. You need a glass that will allows others to draw close close close to you without ever being alarmed of the flame or being burned, and that is the cool flawless protection of the glass flute of the lantern. Noelle, you need a lantern. You need the Holy Spirit."
And in that minute, my life changed.
Because I saw myself as a unique creation of God that did not have to just be doused out and only lead to ruin. I saw myself as acreation of God that Satan had taught how to run ablaze and out of control. I began to see beautiful fires, several stories high, burning in public libraries while people gazed and admired them, all because of the tranquil, strong glass that encased it.
And suddenly so much made sense.
All the girls that avoided me because of my passion. They were afraid of the fire, confused by it. I could nver relate to them because I felt fake. But now I saw that having a glass lantered didn't make me fake, it made me complete. I could smile gently at them in the dorm or in church and not feel fake. Becaus ethe pain and humailiation might burn within me as deep as ever, but it is not out of control to leap at them in angry sparks and puffing smoke. No, it is contained by the calming presence of the Holy Ghost.
And I began to understand that this grief I feel, this pain, this agony.... God is equipped to handle it. No one else is, not even Levi. Just God and me alone in that flame. Everyone else outside the fire on the other side of the glass, protected by the tranquil sheild of the HOly Spirit.
And suddenly for the first time I understood a woman being closer to God than to her husband. For I had longed for Levi to know me inside and out to the very depths of my soul, but now I knew that he was not equipped to live inside that flame with me. That was not his zone. That was God's. And Levi could be the closest one to me and hold the lanter tightly against his chest where it could warm his heart and shine light on his day, but it would never ever burn him because the holy spirit is there providing him tranquility and safety and peace. And God and me could deal with the depth of the emotions, and the fervor of the passion, and the bightness of the hysteria. and no one else would be destroyed by them.
And suddenly.... I understood everyting.
And i knew that I am not ready for Levi to come back.
If God were ever so graciouis for bring you back, he would not be so unkind a father as to bring you back now. He has chastened me, and he has revived me, and he has set me on a new path. But now I must walk this path with him and him alone until I am tried and true. Until he can trust me again with the heart and life of one of his precious souls, whether you, or whether anyone else in life.
And I know in shame and honesty that if you never come back, then I have deserved it.
But my prayer is that you will come back, and you will find me changed.
And regardless.... I am changed.
My parents and Bible teachers and so many people have tried to teach me this missing key to my life, but I never saw it until I saw it on Sunday, the hand of God stretched down from heaven to capture my pitiful little flame with the brilliant placid glass of his Holy Spirit.
And now when I look at you, I feel regret and shame and and love and.... hope. Because I see clearly now. And when I see Tim's menacing glares, I think of how badly Kendon despises you and I see someone who is misinformed but has your back, and I am grateful. I want to go up to him and ask him not to hate me, but to tel him that I appreciate him in your life so much. Giving you a friend. Giving you rest, and peace, and some measure of happiness. And when I look at Anna... I feel sadness, and a measure of righteous jealousy, but I also feel the presence of God. And I want to go ask her to be gentle to you and to give you the love that you deserve so much. And tell her that I am still praying that God change me into a woman who you can love again, but if He does not ever bring you back to me, I still will always love you. And that means wishing the best for you.... whatever that is at the loving hands of the Father.
And this is why I am different.

Day 18 Part I

Eighteen days since we sat together at The West. It's ubelievable how fast time is flying by, relentless and uncaring. A lot like how I see you these days. I woke up so tired, freezing cold, and it was so hard to get up for another week of school that I didn't want. My curls took some work to make look decent- ended up swirling them in a half-coif taped down with bobby pins. I didn't realize how hard the wind was blowing or I would have gone with something a little more durable. I pulled on my blue Tatuum sweater with the mother of pearl buttons - my dad had bought me it a long time ago, and I'd just found it again. It was loose on me, but still warm.
The Bonneville was all the way at the end of the lot. It was a very long walk in the cold, dark morning wind, lugging my heavy bag and limping along in my worn boots. The heels dug into my feet and my shoulder ached from the bag and the car seemed forever away. It was so cold. My ears were ringing and aching.
At least once I got in, the agony settled down quite noticeably. The car handles like a dream on the road. I played Begin Again via the tape cord and the speakers are really, really nice. The morning cold was chased away but my eyes were still an aching tired as I stared through the blur of lights on dark city roads.
Roadwork pooled traffic to a dead stop near the intersecting bridge of 44/240. I lost fifteen minutes of drive time crawling along. Next time, I'll get in the right lane for 240 Amarillo and then cut back in at the top. Because at that point, road work only lasted another 20 feet or so. Oh, well..... just had to speed, fighting the shuddering wind on the road, to make it to class in time.
I didn't want to ask the other teachers if I could come observe for them but i needed to. I have been a total coward about it, a real wimp noodle. I managed the courage to ask Mrs Knight, but Rachel is still teaching for her and I definitely don't want to waste my time listening to Rachel try to teach. But I need a break so badly. I'll have to see tomorrow if Mrs. Campbell will be teaching or if Nicole will still be trying her hand. Of course there is always Mrs. Doehman, even though I don't like her. I play with the idea of watching other classes besides straight English, but I"m so painfully shy I can't imagine trying to ask the teachers.
SAT testing got moved up a week. Mrs. Chambers wants me to help her with it.... so I lost my only other break for the rest of the semester. DANG.
I brought my prizes for my journalism class. Russian chocolate, sukhariki, and a two grivna bill. I hope they liked them. First hour was a disaster... Mrs. Chambers threw out like 21 referrals over my trying to teach. It was pitiful. I hate, hate, hate, hate yelling at them to be quiet so I can just talk. So many of them turned in articles that weren't even 1%. I was so frustrated and just... so weary. So empty of all this.
Katie had foot surgery over break and came in a wheelchair. That was interesting. Zane had an arm in a cast, and that was another big conversation piece. But most of the kids looked like me - maybe a new haircut, but weary and exhausted. Break wasn't fun for most of us. We were all waiting for summer to get here. Please, summer, please.
On campus I checked my mail for the first time since break - sure enough, I got hours. For my bed not made, which didn't make sense but... whatever... who cares about that 20$? I went up to argue about it with Kari but she was so vague it wasn't even funny. I got a little note from Bailey, which helped, but not much. I saw Tim coming through the Go Ye. He was staring me down with that judgmental, non-smiling look of his and I just looked away. Please, leave me alone.  I'm so tired of the hate.
I wrote out the invites to my graduation party back in the dorm because Kendon didn't want to go get the car. It was frustrating. As I wrote them out, my heart ached and bled with the flow of the pen onto the parchment. This was the paper from my high school graduation, which I also wrote out by hand... my special paper I'd used for my very first letters to you, last winter. The sharp difference was so harsh, I ached. How could it be possible? It still didn't make sense. How did you just hang around with Tim at church and not want to come over and talk to your Noelle? I don't get it.... I don't get it.... I don't get it....
Another week at work. Hopefully, with the double I worked on Thursday, this will help even hours out a lot. I need the overtime so badly. I hope to get extra hours in tomorrow, even though I'm also trying to work out as well. Maybe Mrs. Chambers will let me leave after second hour. Hmm. I can try.
It's sunny out, but freezing cold. Feels a lot of like. All the appearances of being fine, ready to graduate, moving into shift leader......
... but the reality is a freezing wind of hurt and confusion and exhaustion.
I need to read my Bible on the way to work today. I am so overwhelmed.

Day 17

It was raining when I got to the apartment, late at night. Working the Z-Rack in the freezer left me so cold that my bones were shaking, and the wind whipping the rain felt like fire on my skin. I ran to the apartment. I had a fortune cookie from the Chinese that said, "You are a good person, generous and loving to others." It made me so sad. I stuck it by the odometer, because no one else wrote me notes anymore. I didn't have anyone to tell me I was a good person... just a stupid fortune cookie....
Inside, I embraced the warmth of the heater. Kayla had left it on. I stretched against the blankets and felt... so fatigued... so discouraged. Taylor Swift's new song Begin Again played lonesome through my head. I know you are into jazz and oldies music, but I'd missed my Taylor Swift. Her voice is so exqiusite, and her guitar so sweet and soft, and her lyrics are so true to how I feel. The part of the song where she says, "I've been spending the past 8 months, thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end..." Those words haunted me. Break. Burn. End.
I fell asleep to those words.
When I woke up, it was 6:30. the room was so blissfully warm. I fell asleep, woke up, back and forth again, but this time it was out of comfort and warmth. I finally just got up, packed, and went to the gym. I worked out, took a long hot stone shower, and spend forver on my hair and makeup. It was WAY too cold for my tiny sheer mint dress, but I didn't ahve anything else and I really wanted you to see me in it with my chocolate boots and new tan. My only regret was that I didn't have new sporty blonde hair.
I sang along to Begin Again on my way to pick up Angie. We were running late. Kendon texted, he was running late. I texted Gabby - she was running late. It made me laugh. What a group!
We ended up all taking a row to ourselves, complete with Bailey and Kendon's old roommate CJ and my two Russian girls Zhenya and Yulia. I saw you sitting right above me, but as soon as i had that first glimpse, I refused to look again. No way. Not after what you have done to me. Gabby peeked for me and said you were sitting with Tim. I didn't care. We left right away for lunch, and I didn't care what your plans were. You didn't want me to care. I was tired of being rejected.
We went to Charlestons on Meridian and SW20th. I had the chicken avacado club sandwhich and I about died!!!!! I twas hands down the best sandwhich I've ever ever had. The had a chicken-strawberry-pineapple salad that looked so good I dream about going back with you and trying it...... Angie helped me out of my jacket so I could show off my nice tan arms. Sexy arms, she called them. I blushed.
Afterwards we went to Angies to grab her car so she could change. Chinese decor, her car, and cigarettes. I've decided I will never have a cat because everyone I know who has a cat smokes. It seems like such a dirty animal to me.
We drove to Red Cup. It's on Classen/36rd. It was just like cuppies and joe but... more "urban" Angie explained. More psycho is what I thought. Far too... hippie for my taste. At least Cuppies and Joe had nice soft couches and an old piano. This place was all crazy gypsy and hippie decor.
We talked about so much. She really thinks I need to move on. Usually I shut down when people tell me that, but I know she cares so much.
I had to rush to choir, listening to Begin Again on full blast in my ears. It was easier to live in Taylor's sweet, simple explanation of life than try to sort my own feelings and hurt and anger.
Choir was really nice. I sat next to Randi, who takes attendance. I really like doing practice before church because it helps gear me up for the message. I saw two of my kids in church! Katelyn and Zane. That made me so happy. I went to my car for a little baby nap before church, and Kendon woke me trying to find where I was. Usually I would be trying to check out your car, but I just went on in. Who cares were you were. You didn't want me to care. It was easier not to try anymore.
You were sitting on my row, talking with Gary. I about had a cow. What the heck!?!?! How was I supposed to get my stuff with you in the way? Politely ask you to move? as if a knife isn't choking my throat?!?! I tripped over my own feet and hesitated in the aisle. I know you saw me and chose to stay where you were. I went to go sit and talk with Joy. I wasn't about to give you the sick pleasure of knowing Ihad to wait for you. Joy was busy talking to a lady but i didn't care. I just wanted someone else to look at besides you. You in your stupid tan suit with your fancy hair, all social and sparkly.
I knew you were done when I saw you walking down the other aisle, looking at me all smug. Yeah, that's right Levi, walk down the opposite way just so you can try to attract me. Sure.
I went and put my stuff up and Gary didn't seem too happy with me but I didn't care. I'd claimed this row first. I noticed his girlfriend wasn't sitting with him. Hmm. I got on my phone texting no one in particular so that I wouldn't be sitting all alone. I knew you were up front socializing, and i kept feeling your eyes on me.
That's right, Levi. I'm ignoring you. Just like your stupid text messages. I'm done begging you to come back. I'm so done.
Time for choir.
I purposefully cut across to walk in front of you. I wanted you to have a full view of my curls, my jade jewelry, my flowing sexy dress, the soft boots against my tan legs. Maybe you'd even get a heady scent of my j'Adore perfume. I flounced by and didn't look at you. Read 'em and weep, Levi.
In choir, two ladies came up to tell me they were talking about me in choir because they liked my clothes. boots. watch. etc. One giggled, "Don't you like how we are really just into your clothes?" I tried not to show my annoyance. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Kayla was a Heartland grad, married, mom of a 1-year-old and her and her husband were pew sitting "waiting for God to call them." It was pathetic. she seemed nice. Melinda? I think? with short blond hair is the music teacher at CCS. The fat girl with half-Asian eyes didn't leave her name.
We walked out onto the platform and the lights hit me and I knew my belt was sparkling, my watch sparkling, my dress flowing, my curls shining. I put on a small smile and focused on the choir director. I could tell immediately you weren't in your usual spot. I didn't look for you, although my eyes did a nonchalant 180 skim of the building. Whatever.
It wasn't until congregational singing that i saw you, front row center with your new best friend Tim. You couldn't take your eyes off me, a fact that pleased me very, very much. But i forced myself to look above your head at th eback of the room, or over at oh-so-dark and handsome Lucas, or at the podium. I was so mad at you.
When we left the stage, I could have gone around the back. But I flaunted right across the front row, letting you have one more look at me in my best posture, a flowing march. Then I joined Kendon who whispered, "You are never getting back together with that jerk" and I wondered what you had done to him. Come on, Levi, don't make more battles than you can win!!!
I loved where you were sitting. so much better than the balacony. I had you right in my radar and I didn't have to try. You were goofing off during the sermon way too much. Whispering with Tim. Scratchign notes or quotes or doodles or something, trying to look all spiritual.
The guy who came up and spoke in Chinese recruiting missionaries to Taiwan annoyed me. You laughed like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I yawned. I could do that too, ramble off in a foreign language. Big deal. I wanted to slap you silly and then come kiss you breathless until your body was aching for me. I miss kissing you, the chemistry that molded us together beyond comprehension. Those mad, intense kisses that turned into so much more. you needed a good punch, and a dang good kiss.
The sermon was sooooo good. But it made me miss my dad's sermons so badly.
It was about leaving the alter if you haven' tmade things right, and I wanted to scream at you. See?!?!?! Missing church to try to make things right with you wasn't bad!!! It was right!!!! You would never see. you are so blinded by your hatred. The whole make things right... it resonated like a heavy blow. I knew I couldn't take the lord's supper because you hate me, and I can't fix it. I can't. You don't want it fixed. Over, done, closed..... your words constantly follow and haunt me.
Church ended, and I prayed long and hard.
God, help me. I haven't been perfect. I've messed up so much. I'mstruggling with so many emotions right now. Please, purge out the leaven. Keep my heart in a place where you can bring Levi back and do that something amazing you were doing.
But when I left, I didn't know wher eyou were or what you were doing. And I knew that you weren't going to fix things. They were never going to get fixed.
I drove home, and spent 8 trips bringing stuff in. I checked the bulletin board - apparently Hope won the dorm contest, and your dorm. Oh. So that's what you were up to, more than likely. Fliritng and living it up in the caff with your new stupid friends.
I trudged back and forth, then forced myself to unpack and organize. I was so tired. I wanted to escape to the gym, to the warmth of the tanning bed, to the space and freedom of brixton square. But I was trapped in this dorm with screaming girls.
I passed a group of 8 of them, my own domr mates, and none of them said hi. I have to be th eonly girl that can walk past 8 others on campus and not one of them say hi.
I felt so bitter.
After unpacking, Mandi wanted to talk. She is sweet and I missed her, but I just wanted to be alone.
School is almost over. there is so much of it left, but..... it is almost over. I have to try to hold on. I have so much homework done. But I'm just so so so tired.
I'm toning, and tanning, but I'm not losing weight. How will you see how badly you've destroyed me if I don't look skinny? I need to fast again. I need to do something.
I'm going to work on some homework until it's 1030, curfew, and then I'm going to go bury myself in sleep. I can escape tomorrow and not think about things. like that fact i still haven't paid my bill. And i don't know how i'm going to get it all paid off before i graduation.
Or like why the shift button my computer is sticking, so that I have to fight to type anything.
It's freezing cold in the dorms, and i get very depressed when I am cold. Cold and tired and alone.
Because you left me.
And all you taught me was that life breaks, and burns, and ends.
Ends.
Ends.

Day 16

I woke up about six times to my alarm, to text messages, to the cold, to Saber barking, to the pounding headache and swollen eyes and throbbing throat. Saturday morning, and I was sick. More than sick, I was weak. Weak, trembling, throbbing. I felt like I had the strept that Landy had come down with. I kept going back to sleep... waking up, and going back to sleep.... trying to drown the symptoms with sleep. But the sleep wasn't restful and I'd wake up even more exhausted, headache even worse, feeling even weaker. I could barely lift my phone. My blanket was crushing my chest. My hair was wet and sweet with sweat, the back collar of my Levi's tee soaked as well. I rolled over and my stomach heaved with cramps. My legs were cramping up too, and I tried to flex my muscles but it left me breathless and trembling like a newborn fawn. Holy cow.
Around five pm I finally drug myself out of bed, only because Kayla would be home soon to Facetime Dre and I wanted her to have the space and quiet and privacy. I had huge, black rings around my eyes. Despite the consant suntanning, and I looked like someone had punched me. My hair was flat and sickly, too. My clothes hung off my body, a mix of bones and stubborn fat pockets. I stared at myself in the mirror and never felt more disallusioned. Of course you left me.
I touched my cheeks. Sun spot, born from the tanning. They reminded me of your freckles.... your sweet, angelic, boyish freckles. Mine were not so sweet and wonderful. They looked like even more blemishes on a face that would never be perfect, never be pretty enough.
I was so cold that I could barely dress. The jean skirt burned against my skin as I pulled it on, and the straps of my cami cut into my collarbone. The loose tunic was the only thing that felt gentle on my body, but provided no warmth. I cursed myself for the gazillionth time for not packing warmer clothes for break. Where was the warmth?! It had disappeared whever your love had gone...... into oblivion. I wrapped the shimmery gold scarf my mom had gotten me from Hungary around my torso and felt a little warmer, then struggled into the grey Bershka coat. My favorite coat, my "me" coat from that long winter alone in Kharkov. I was so un color coordinated it was ridiculous, but i didn't have anything warm that matched.
I pulled my hair into a loose bun and locked the door on my way out, not even sure where my makeup bag was, definitely not caring. My heart was so numb. Who would see me? Who would care?
I didn't know where to go.
I tried two car washes so I could send dad nice pictures of the car, but they were both closed. What in the world? It was saturday for crying out loud. I didn't want to drive far, I had such a limited supply of funds for gas. It was so cold, I didn't want to pull over and sit in the cold car.... I didn't want to go anywhere to eat.... I finally drove to chinese and then got a milkshake at chic fil A. I was supposed to be saving money but hey... who cares? I hadn't blown money on food in so long.
My milk shake spilled all over the inside of the car. I didn't have any napkins. I stared at the sticky, ooey avalanche and tried to suppress the trembling rage. Why did I even blow the money?!
I drove to Panera Bread because I had nowhere else to go.
I drove Hannah crazy in the drive through. She couldn't explaid the difference between the Thai and the Asian. I finally pulled up to the minute and everyone came to see who it was when she began throwing straws at me in livid relief. Seeing them all pile in the window, laughing and smiling to see me, I felt a huge sadness, a huge peace, a mess. Mary, Kendon, Gabby, Hannah, Daniella, Halle.... all these amazing people. There is where I belonged.
I pulled in, and walked into the warm and wonderful work of Brixton Square. Why hadn't I come directly here? The fire place was crackling. I grabbed a table and got myself a free soda, a free coffee, and then a free cinnamin roll. Everyone wanted to talk to me. I was coughing and my voice was raspy. Gabby had a big hug for me. Halle had just broken it off with her SWBC boyfriend. May wanted to talk about the GoldenDale puppy she found in the paper. Kendon just smiled and waved.
Mary said Dutch hadn't showed up. Again. Poor kid, I had liked him. We sat down and had a nice manager talk. I loved the feeling of being one of the parents here. I felt so old. It was odd.
I told her about you calling my dad, and I barely got out three words and she went crazy.
That means he still cares! Why else would he care about what your dad thinks? He knows that if he is ever going to have a chance with you again, he has to keep that door open!
I just looked at her, aching. Don't you understand? He just wants to feel like a perfect Christian. He doesn't want me anymore.
We talked about God's timing, God's goodness, and the upcoming easter holiday. The store was slow and I was so happy to be here, if happy was a possible feeling. Daniella kept my coffee full. I got out the newspapers, and my Bible, and opened my computer so I could see your sweet face and the last note you left me, and I had my new kind of Saturday, without you in it.

When I opened my Bible and flipped through it, I ended up at 2 Sam 13:15-19. It felt so much like us that I blinked back tears of hurt, of anger, of deadness. "Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying."
Be gone..... the evil in sending me away is greater.... she went on crying... he hated her greater than he loved her.
I kept turning the pages. This might be the story right now, but I wish it wouldn't be the story forever. Somehow, in the middle of my apathy, I still long to have a different story. Even though i may never be able to forgive you anymore....
I ended up in I Cor 7: 10-11, 14, 17, 20, 23-24
"And unto the married I command, ye not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife....  [you're never supposed to walk away] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.... [because God can do bigger things when we are together] But as God hath distribututed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches... let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called... [walk in the same calling wherein we are called. there is no changing of God's will, just changing of our deceitful hearts... just Satan, not God] For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is the Lord's servant. you are bought with a price: be not yet the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. [abide, walk, in that calling. it's an active choice. it's a command.]"

Does it even matter? You left me. I'm alone tonight.
Like I told Kayla, the hardest moments are when I realized the reality that you aren't off by yourself. You're actively living in a life that purposely excludes me. You are choosing to be happy without me, and you are. You have a new life. New friends. You are probably hanging out with them tonight, you aren't just sitting in your dorm all alone. Probably listening to music, kicking it back, rolling around in Santanna, laughing it up, living it up, talking girlfriends, talking summer plans, your new clothes and hairstyles, your new heroes, how spiritual you all are, your sermons, who you're going to hang out with on Sunday who is going to ride with who, who is going where to eat, where everyone is going for easter sunday.

And I?
I sit here alone at Panera Bread. working on this stupid journal that no one, no one, never ever ever will ever read.
trying to pray.
trying to breathe without hurting.
trying to keep warm.
trying to do some homework.
trying to help out my store and do the Z-Rack.
trying to spend the last few minutes of spring break with any purpose at all.

But there is no purpose. Whether I sit here, go home, or just disappear into the black city night outside, there is no purpose.
Not for me.

Day 15

After a fifteen hour shift, my body reacts in strange ways. I awoke so stiff and sore I thought my bones might snap. Kayla was gone to work - it was warm and loud with the fan blowing from the vent directly overhead - and I buried my face under the pillows.
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.

The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please? 
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.

gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs

Day 14

1am.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.

Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.