Day 15

After a fifteen hour shift, my body reacts in strange ways. I awoke so stiff and sore I thought my bones might snap. Kayla was gone to work - it was warm and loud with the fan blowing from the vent directly overhead - and I buried my face under the pillows.
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.

The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please? 
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.

gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs