Day 17

It was raining when I got to the apartment, late at night. Working the Z-Rack in the freezer left me so cold that my bones were shaking, and the wind whipping the rain felt like fire on my skin. I ran to the apartment. I had a fortune cookie from the Chinese that said, "You are a good person, generous and loving to others." It made me so sad. I stuck it by the odometer, because no one else wrote me notes anymore. I didn't have anyone to tell me I was a good person... just a stupid fortune cookie....
Inside, I embraced the warmth of the heater. Kayla had left it on. I stretched against the blankets and felt... so fatigued... so discouraged. Taylor Swift's new song Begin Again played lonesome through my head. I know you are into jazz and oldies music, but I'd missed my Taylor Swift. Her voice is so exqiusite, and her guitar so sweet and soft, and her lyrics are so true to how I feel. The part of the song where she says, "I've been spending the past 8 months, thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end..." Those words haunted me. Break. Burn. End.
I fell asleep to those words.
When I woke up, it was 6:30. the room was so blissfully warm. I fell asleep, woke up, back and forth again, but this time it was out of comfort and warmth. I finally just got up, packed, and went to the gym. I worked out, took a long hot stone shower, and spend forver on my hair and makeup. It was WAY too cold for my tiny sheer mint dress, but I didn't ahve anything else and I really wanted you to see me in it with my chocolate boots and new tan. My only regret was that I didn't have new sporty blonde hair.
I sang along to Begin Again on my way to pick up Angie. We were running late. Kendon texted, he was running late. I texted Gabby - she was running late. It made me laugh. What a group!
We ended up all taking a row to ourselves, complete with Bailey and Kendon's old roommate CJ and my two Russian girls Zhenya and Yulia. I saw you sitting right above me, but as soon as i had that first glimpse, I refused to look again. No way. Not after what you have done to me. Gabby peeked for me and said you were sitting with Tim. I didn't care. We left right away for lunch, and I didn't care what your plans were. You didn't want me to care. I was tired of being rejected.
We went to Charlestons on Meridian and SW20th. I had the chicken avacado club sandwhich and I about died!!!!! I twas hands down the best sandwhich I've ever ever had. The had a chicken-strawberry-pineapple salad that looked so good I dream about going back with you and trying it...... Angie helped me out of my jacket so I could show off my nice tan arms. Sexy arms, she called them. I blushed.
Afterwards we went to Angies to grab her car so she could change. Chinese decor, her car, and cigarettes. I've decided I will never have a cat because everyone I know who has a cat smokes. It seems like such a dirty animal to me.
We drove to Red Cup. It's on Classen/36rd. It was just like cuppies and joe but... more "urban" Angie explained. More psycho is what I thought. Far too... hippie for my taste. At least Cuppies and Joe had nice soft couches and an old piano. This place was all crazy gypsy and hippie decor.
We talked about so much. She really thinks I need to move on. Usually I shut down when people tell me that, but I know she cares so much.
I had to rush to choir, listening to Begin Again on full blast in my ears. It was easier to live in Taylor's sweet, simple explanation of life than try to sort my own feelings and hurt and anger.
Choir was really nice. I sat next to Randi, who takes attendance. I really like doing practice before church because it helps gear me up for the message. I saw two of my kids in church! Katelyn and Zane. That made me so happy. I went to my car for a little baby nap before church, and Kendon woke me trying to find where I was. Usually I would be trying to check out your car, but I just went on in. Who cares were you were. You didn't want me to care. It was easier not to try anymore.
You were sitting on my row, talking with Gary. I about had a cow. What the heck!?!?! How was I supposed to get my stuff with you in the way? Politely ask you to move? as if a knife isn't choking my throat?!?! I tripped over my own feet and hesitated in the aisle. I know you saw me and chose to stay where you were. I went to go sit and talk with Joy. I wasn't about to give you the sick pleasure of knowing Ihad to wait for you. Joy was busy talking to a lady but i didn't care. I just wanted someone else to look at besides you. You in your stupid tan suit with your fancy hair, all social and sparkly.
I knew you were done when I saw you walking down the other aisle, looking at me all smug. Yeah, that's right Levi, walk down the opposite way just so you can try to attract me. Sure.
I went and put my stuff up and Gary didn't seem too happy with me but I didn't care. I'd claimed this row first. I noticed his girlfriend wasn't sitting with him. Hmm. I got on my phone texting no one in particular so that I wouldn't be sitting all alone. I knew you were up front socializing, and i kept feeling your eyes on me.
That's right, Levi. I'm ignoring you. Just like your stupid text messages. I'm done begging you to come back. I'm so done.
Time for choir.
I purposefully cut across to walk in front of you. I wanted you to have a full view of my curls, my jade jewelry, my flowing sexy dress, the soft boots against my tan legs. Maybe you'd even get a heady scent of my j'Adore perfume. I flounced by and didn't look at you. Read 'em and weep, Levi.
In choir, two ladies came up to tell me they were talking about me in choir because they liked my clothes. boots. watch. etc. One giggled, "Don't you like how we are really just into your clothes?" I tried not to show my annoyance. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Kayla was a Heartland grad, married, mom of a 1-year-old and her and her husband were pew sitting "waiting for God to call them." It was pathetic. she seemed nice. Melinda? I think? with short blond hair is the music teacher at CCS. The fat girl with half-Asian eyes didn't leave her name.
We walked out onto the platform and the lights hit me and I knew my belt was sparkling, my watch sparkling, my dress flowing, my curls shining. I put on a small smile and focused on the choir director. I could tell immediately you weren't in your usual spot. I didn't look for you, although my eyes did a nonchalant 180 skim of the building. Whatever.
It wasn't until congregational singing that i saw you, front row center with your new best friend Tim. You couldn't take your eyes off me, a fact that pleased me very, very much. But i forced myself to look above your head at th eback of the room, or over at oh-so-dark and handsome Lucas, or at the podium. I was so mad at you.
When we left the stage, I could have gone around the back. But I flaunted right across the front row, letting you have one more look at me in my best posture, a flowing march. Then I joined Kendon who whispered, "You are never getting back together with that jerk" and I wondered what you had done to him. Come on, Levi, don't make more battles than you can win!!!
I loved where you were sitting. so much better than the balacony. I had you right in my radar and I didn't have to try. You were goofing off during the sermon way too much. Whispering with Tim. Scratchign notes or quotes or doodles or something, trying to look all spiritual.
The guy who came up and spoke in Chinese recruiting missionaries to Taiwan annoyed me. You laughed like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I yawned. I could do that too, ramble off in a foreign language. Big deal. I wanted to slap you silly and then come kiss you breathless until your body was aching for me. I miss kissing you, the chemistry that molded us together beyond comprehension. Those mad, intense kisses that turned into so much more. you needed a good punch, and a dang good kiss.
The sermon was sooooo good. But it made me miss my dad's sermons so badly.
It was about leaving the alter if you haven' tmade things right, and I wanted to scream at you. See?!?!?! Missing church to try to make things right with you wasn't bad!!! It was right!!!! You would never see. you are so blinded by your hatred. The whole make things right... it resonated like a heavy blow. I knew I couldn't take the lord's supper because you hate me, and I can't fix it. I can't. You don't want it fixed. Over, done, closed..... your words constantly follow and haunt me.
Church ended, and I prayed long and hard.
God, help me. I haven't been perfect. I've messed up so much. I'mstruggling with so many emotions right now. Please, purge out the leaven. Keep my heart in a place where you can bring Levi back and do that something amazing you were doing.
But when I left, I didn't know wher eyou were or what you were doing. And I knew that you weren't going to fix things. They were never going to get fixed.
I drove home, and spent 8 trips bringing stuff in. I checked the bulletin board - apparently Hope won the dorm contest, and your dorm. Oh. So that's what you were up to, more than likely. Fliritng and living it up in the caff with your new stupid friends.
I trudged back and forth, then forced myself to unpack and organize. I was so tired. I wanted to escape to the gym, to the warmth of the tanning bed, to the space and freedom of brixton square. But I was trapped in this dorm with screaming girls.
I passed a group of 8 of them, my own domr mates, and none of them said hi. I have to be th eonly girl that can walk past 8 others on campus and not one of them say hi.
I felt so bitter.
After unpacking, Mandi wanted to talk. She is sweet and I missed her, but I just wanted to be alone.
School is almost over. there is so much of it left, but..... it is almost over. I have to try to hold on. I have so much homework done. But I'm just so so so tired.
I'm toning, and tanning, but I'm not losing weight. How will you see how badly you've destroyed me if I don't look skinny? I need to fast again. I need to do something.
I'm going to work on some homework until it's 1030, curfew, and then I'm going to go bury myself in sleep. I can escape tomorrow and not think about things. like that fact i still haven't paid my bill. And i don't know how i'm going to get it all paid off before i graduation.
Or like why the shift button my computer is sticking, so that I have to fight to type anything.
It's freezing cold in the dorms, and i get very depressed when I am cold. Cold and tired and alone.
Because you left me.
And all you taught me was that life breaks, and burns, and ends.
Ends.
Ends.