Day Eleven

Monday, 4:30 am. My alarm went off and me and Kayla rolled out of bed. She had turned the heat on in the apartment- it was warm - I felt like a new person after the weekend.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.

My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace

Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.