The Log

I used to have a notebook and pen I would grab whenever you would call. Story time! I loved your stories. Learning about you was so intriguing to me. Did you stop loving me because I lost my mystery to you? Just a thought. I was reading our first letters and that word kept reappearing. It is what drew you to me, in your words. Mystery and intruigue. While it is highly possible that familiarity loses some of that intruigue, I felt the familiarity drawing my heart fonder and fonder to yours. I love you so much now I awoke again in tears. Saturday, March 9th. A whole 48 hours after you declared you no longer loved me and never would again. I love you so much and I can't think that you will never be there again. Not even for my graduation? How will I bear to smile on that day? Knowing that I won a stupid diploma paper and lost my best friend, my love, my Levi? It will not be okay.
I digress. Pen and paper. Because my memory is very dysfunctional. At times it works amazing. At times it doesn't work at all. Sometimes it's like the joy or the sadness, whichever the case, blurs out the details and I forget when people say things to me what they said. So after lunch on Thursday, I sat down and wrote down everything that transpired in those bitter, excruciating two hours. I may have forgotten some things. It's not word for word. But maybe it will help us remember what was said, what happened, what we felt, if we can look back and see.

The Log:
I don't love you anymore. We made
a mistake last year, and I don't
think you are the girl for me in
the future.

He talked a lot at first. He
seemed quiet, direct, but he knew
what he was doing. The distnce of
any emotion - in his eyes, voice,
posture - was so hard to handle.
He was simply so content with
where he was at.

One of the few times I say any real emotion,
any inkling of that hate that I know must be
boiling behind the surface, is when he said
Stop telling people I'm running
from God. That's not true. And
it's no one's business. It's
between me and God.

Again when he said,
These people aren't shallow. You
can't judge them and call them
that. THat's denying that they
have any relationship with God.
They may not all be perfect, but
they are souls created in God's
image and need to be ministered
to.
Don't you remmeber Christmas banquet?
When you tried so hard for weeks to reach
out to them? How they took pictures for hours
without ever once including me? Who was
being shallow then? Remember how they raced off
and left us? Even when you broke down? Remember
how you pulled on to campus and cried
and cried and I couldn't even hold you?
You told me I was your best friend because everyone
left you but I never would.

My friends are the result of
broken relationships. If I hadn't
let the strings be broken, then
they wouldn't have left me like
they did. That was my fault, not
thiers, because they were always
there for me before.

Do you miss it?
I won't answer that. Because if I
say yes your emotions will go a
hundred miles an hour, and if I
say no your emotions will go a
hundred miles an hour.
And if you say nothing, they will
too.
That's not my problem. I'm not
going to answer that. There's no
benefit to this conversation.

When he kept ignoring me and
looking at the TV- please look at
me. Plus, his eyes are so
beautfiul.. I've missed them. So
gentle a caramel. I've told you
before. It bothers me to zone out
on something that is moving. Your
eyes are moving. I would rather
look at the TV screen or down at
the table... I don't even know
why I have to explain this to
you.. *bitter, annoyed*

Do you love me?
No.
Are you sorry?
I"m sorry that I hurt you,
because you were not mine to
hurt. I am sorry that I am
hurting you. It's why I didn't
want to meet because I knew it
would hurt you.
The 50 days avoiding me hurt.
That's what your dad says.
He's right.

We are weak. I'm speaking
generally. We need to figure out
GOd in our lives and be strong.
Then we will be ready for
relationships... with whomever
God sends...

What is she like, this girl that
I wasn't good enough to be for
you?
She doesn't exist. Her name is
THE BIBLE. I don't want anyone
else. I only want to be close to
God right now. I want to focus on
my feet and stop looking on the
right and on the left but just
right before me. I"m not going to
be looking at other girls.

I haven't decided if I want you
to give me back my stuff or not.
It's up to you.
Just promise me you will never
hold another girl wearing my coat
I bought you.
It'll be a very long time-
Just promise!
Okay.

How can you recitfy the past two
years?
We weren't good for each other.
We were too young.
TOO YOUNG?!
We are too young. We are just
kids.
Just kids. You used to hate that
term. It used to light a fire in
your whenever people tried to pin
that label on you. When did you
give up and settle? When?
It was too soon after I broke up
with Nikii, and you with Brandon,
granted it was a semester but it
was too soon. It was all based
off emotion and not off prayer.
That's not true. I rmemeber you
told me the difference between
Nikki and me was that you prayed
about me and not about her. In
fact you told me that is why you
told your aunt and grandma about
me, but not about her. Because
you HAD prayed. And I remembered
you prayed.

But I was a worse Christian. I am
a better Christian now.
I don't believe that. I believe
you were a much better Christian
back then. The way you have been
acting for 50 days is not the way
that God acts.
I missed church, failed classe,s
slept all the times, didn't do my
best.
Do you know why the righteous man
falls 7 times? because Satan is
opposing him! DO you know why you
have no struggle? because you are
no longer a threat to Satan now.
You are nothing but status quo.

Are you leaving or did you just
say that?
I am praying about it. Why do you
want to know.
I hate to see someone come so
close and not finish.

You need to fill the void in your
heart Noelle that I know I am
causing. You are very tangible
and it will be so hard without me
there every day.... you need to
do something for you, that's what
I told my mom...
I did do something for me. That
was YOU.
Well that's no longer an option.
I know.

I miss taking care of you.
Are you eating? sleeping? taking
care of yoruself? *he shrugs*
Can I see your hands? *no new
scars*
Don't do that I'm a heartland
student!
When have you ever cared.
I care now.
What did you put on your pass?
I didn't put this restaurant.
See. You are a hypocrite with me.
You hold one standard to me but
another to yourself.
I don't agree.
Okay.

I feel that I can't talk to you.
Whoever influenced you - whoever
they are - they are in your head
and they are ALL you can hear
now. You can't hear me anymore.

There is a movie called Signs and
this woman is pinned and her
husband comes to see her and asks
the sheriff is This the last
time that I will ever get to talk
to my wife? How am I supposed to
know what to say when it's the
last time I will ever talk to
you??

You need to pray for Justiny and
Forrest. Forrest arrested after
taking a knife to mom. Mom
disappeared can't get in contact
with her. Davina not answering
his calls anymore.

Facebook, that he deleted them. I
did that for me and not for them.
Plus I told you that I don't have
control over my FB right now.
Which is why you post every
day.... sure....

Noelle you need to say what you
need to say whether it makes me
mad or not. if it is said in the
right spirit than I need to be in
that spirit...

Babe, I ....
You can't call me that anymore.
Call me Levi.
*I bawl.*

I still love you.
I will always be the constant for
you. I will always love you. I
will never ever break the pinky
promise we made. I will always
always be here for you.
I know what I promised before...

Work called me in at 1230.
Thank you for coming.

Thank you, Noelle, for talking.
Really?
Yes.
I don't think it helped any.

I don't understand your dad. It
is all riddles with him.
I am counseling with Bro. O-
something, my favorite
pastor/evangelist in Ponca and
other places. I might sit out
next year to be with my family.

My car was locked.
No.
Why did you check the door?
Because you left my stuff on the
floor with the trash.
Because you were watching me!
I didn't realize it was a crime.
Don't like being watched,

Why do you glare at me?
I look at you with pain.
Why?
Because I know I am hurting you.
Okay but that is not the look I am
talking about. I am talking about that
horrible glare. You made very girl next
to me turn and ask why you hated me
because of that look.
Because I just wanted to get my lunch
and leave!
I hate being cornered, and you had
cornered me.
I'm sorry I got in the way of your dinner, Levi.
*grief and irony*

He wanted to badly to be independent of
any connection to me. Through friends on
Facebook, through calling him any special
name, through any responsibility of how I would
feel or cope afterwards. Even his stupid trash,
suddenly became a matter of possessive territory.
My receipts are mine!
I didn't think you'd mind.....???!

I am keeping this *he takes our journal and
pulls it to his side of the table.*
Why?
If it had been any motive such as I miss it, I
don't want to forget, these were the best days and
I don't want them to make you sad, etc., I would
have gladly given it.
But his motives were so selfish.
I don't want it to be another Andrea box.
Which I take to mean, he doesn't want me
sitting with anyone else in a field crying my heart
out over a pain that will never leave, and the notes that
flutter through the grass be in his handwriting.

What about Patrick? It is his birthday next week.
I don't think I will ever be able to care for him again...
Not EVER?!?! *heartbreak*
No.....
What will I do with him!?
Give him to one of your kids!
*the smile in his eyes almost real*
I felt my heart snapping as I looked at him.
There IS a kid I want to give him to....
*infering Levi*
He looked disappointed. I know.

We went around and around about the fact that he
truly seems convinced that last year he wasn't
walking with God, and this year he is. It's so ludicrous
I feel I may go insane trying to understand it in my head.
How can you look at the blog, our journals, even the own
memories in your head and think that?!?! It's just not true.
And regardless, you are not walking closer with God now.
You may be trying to get closer to God than ever before,
but he would never had have you abandon me. God doesn't
do that. I know that.

Because he seemed so arrogant about being so
spiritual now, I took out my Bible and challeneged him.
If this is really God, show me one verse where he led you
to this.
He refused, for a very long time. Flipping back and forth,
saying he couldn't find anything in the Bible.
He looked at some of my markers and I wondered why.
Finally I had to defy him.
I won't do this.
God says be ready ALWAYS to give an answer to
ANY man who wasks according to the hope that is
within you. If they was really of God, I am asking you
now and God commands you to show me.
He turned to Amos 5.
I don't think I will ever read that chapter the same way
for the rest of my life, whether I die this year or when I
am old and grey.
He read it over and over again.
It was his first sermon.
*my heart broke*
His first.... I had wanted to hear it so bad, and now I
never never would.
It was 5 minutes over, so yeah, my grade wasn't that great.
But I know you will be an amazing preacher. I know it.
He explained that he felt that he had built
vineyards and houses but he would never eat out of.
Because he felt that he had built his time with me and
his time at heartland hadn't been focused on building a
relationship with God.
The verse about Bethel and Gilgal, all the things in the past
that had never been intended to become idolds.
It was really hard for me to follow. I think by this point in
the conversation my body was weak and I was growing
cold and numb... dead. I think by then I gave up.

He had to go to work.
He said he was invited here, and didn't know if he could
just leave. He said that it was for ME, bitterly, as if he
hated doing anything for me anymore, spending the gas,
the time, any effort at being honest...
I suppose it is true. He hates me now and the smallest
memory of me must be like acid.

He tried to keep the journal. I wouldn't let him.
Because I'm afraid if you did, you would destroy it.
False! he was mad, but he was walking out and I didn't
have a chance to say anything. He was the one who
was walking out. If he didn't destory the journal, why
would he destroy us? It makes no sense to me.
If we are truly over forever, if there is no love for you
for me forever, tehn why not destroy it.

I asked him for a hug. Begged him. He used the heartland
excuse again, and I couldn't help but fall into his arms and
cling to him like I had clung that day in the airport.
For dear life.
Knowing the minute I let go, you would be gone forever
from my grasp and my arms would always be empty now.
Knowing as soon as I looked up, the reality of you and
your love would dissolve into the reality of who you
are now.
You told me to let go. I couldn't, I couldn't.
My dad even yelld at me.
It just made it worse, but I held on until I counted to 17.
17. The day we became official in November.
17. The day I would always grieve.
Then I let go.
You had kept your arms off me and denyed me even the
slightest pressure of your body against me for the goodbye.
Even the slightest effort... you refused.
I had never believed such coldness and cruelty to be possible
from my best friend.
I am still in shock.

We left. I watched you go, and I couldn't stop watching.
You drove away... like you said, not looking
right or left. Purposed with your anger and your mistakes,
rather than the great spiritual clause you tried to pretend.
I knew I was probably seeing you, the real you and not the
fake mask at heartland, for the last time for the rest of my
life. I had those few fleeting seconds to sear those images
on my brain to last forever, for the next fifty years.
I will never forget that feeling when you disappeared.

Abandoned.
My best friend, my love, my Levi, my husband, my sweet prince,
has abandoned me.