Day Eight

Last day before spring break. Finally, a break. My scorched, parched soul was thirsting for a give, for anything. So ready to quit.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.

God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.

I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.

I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.

Levi.
I love you still.