Day Thirteen

I slept till noon. When I woke up, Kayla was coming in from work where they had let her go early. She teased me about sleeping so long, but then she remembered how late I had been up. She asked me what had happened and I told her only about seeing you and about how energetic and confident you had seemed. She was troubled and gave me a hug.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......

You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
 I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.