Day 14

1am.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.

Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.