Day Five

I'm going to join a gym today, I told myself when my alarm went off. I had just enough time to get dressed - throwing on whatever yanked off the hangers first - and ran out to my car. Cold, cold, cold leather of the Bonneville against my shivering body. Darkness.
But it was peaceful... the solitude. All 45$ a week in gas so worth it for the solitude. My car. My speed. My music. My temperature. My route. Stupid shallow fat senior girls. I put on Owl City, set the temp control for 94 degrees, and cruised along at 15 over the speed limit. Heck, a speeding ticket wouldn't even make me blink right now. I feel nothing but the cold.
Teaching had a major bump: Duke.
Handsome, sweet Duke. Sitting in the back row with his arms crossed, annoyed and disgusted. The first student to openly complain about my teaching. Not my teaching really, but my subject matter. Not that he didn't like writing either - he feels mad at his peers. His tastes differ from thiers and he is mad because he has to write and read it aloud. He'd rather not write at all.
I see myself mirrored in his rebellious face. Mad at the school, at my stupid peers, willing myself to not even graduate if I could just get away from it all.
I tried to reach out to him. I gave a 20-minute lecture about minority opinion and the power of the underdog finding a voice. His expression and crossed-arm stance never changed, but I tried.
I feel I failed.
Duke, I'm so sorry.
I want to quit, too.

I drove straight to Rockwell and signed up at the gym. Key fab, Australian Gold tanning lotion, sign up fee and first month payment, and I was a whopping 250$ poorer. And the school bill is due this week, dang. I only got paied 440$ for the past two weeks of work. Double dang.
The girls at the gym were really nice.
I ran a mile - a mile, babe! It's been so long. I'd forgotten what a long distance that is to actually accomplish. I also ran it at an incline. No music, just me and my hurt and my determination. I texted my dad about the mile, knowing he'd approve. He did. It felt nice.... in a way. I'm not sure how anything feels right now.
Then to work out - abs, back, biceps. Holy cow! Babe. I have nooooooo bicep strength. It was pathetic, major time. Really. You'd have laughed at me and then went "Awwww...!" and cuddled me close, I'm sure. Then kissed my hair and told me to keep at it. I would have smiled, turned around and kept trying. In reality, I just stared blankly at the wall, flinched against the physical exertion, and forced another rep. The wall stared blankly back at me, indifferent to whether I kept going or walked away. I kept going for lack of anything better to do.
I tanned.
Now that was an experience. Apparently 5 minutes was too long, even with the lotion. I burned to a crisp. My neck, under my chin? Blistered and peeling. My collarbone, down my chest, down my belly? Sensitive areas for sure, red and angry. My legs showed no sign of even having come in contact with sunlight. They were as white and pale as normal. I hate my soft, pudgy legs. I wish they were lean and tan and gorgeous. If this 250$ commitment indicates anything, by gosh I'll get them there.
Work all night... hanging up banners with Dawn, getting ready for bread bash.
She pulled me aside to ask how I was doing personally. Poor Dawn thought I'd blocked her on FB since I deleted my account. We talked about shift leader, about the future, about good stuff. I should have told her the truth about what I think about losing my prep specialist position, but I walked away feeling nothing. I didn't care. What did it matter? It didn't matter. No one cares. Why should I.
So tired.
My roommates avoid me. I don't blame them. I tear into my dorm cleaning and finish my closet and desk. I need to go through my clothes and start throwing stuff away so I can get packed up to leave. I can't wait to move into Mary's. I can't wait.
Curfew came too soon. I crawled wearily into bed, aware that tomorrow I will get evaluated for the first time and completley unprepared.
I'll figure it out tomorrow, I thought to myself. Right now all I cared about was my big down comforter. Please, please, darkness and softness and unconsciousness... swallow me up from reality.