Day Three, Part II

Part II

It is so cold. I didn't realize.

I went to to the car for church,

and Kendon had locked the

Bonneville and taken the keys

with him. I was late. Great. Had

to walk all the way to the guys

dorm and wait for him in the

peircing wind. I could see

Santanna right up front. Hi,

Santanna. I miss curling up in

you. Please keep my Levi safe.
After choir, Bro Don didn't have

time for tryouts. A wasn't sure

whether to feel relieved or not.

Time to kill... and no idea what

to do. Usually, I would go take a

nap. But I had slept all morning.

I headed out to the car anyways

just to get warm and listen to

music. But I knew that if I sat

there, I would just be waiting to

see you arrive. I miss you so

much. It's not fair. Why do I

miss you but you don't miss me

any more? I can't understand it.

My Levi would miss me. He just

would.
I drove to starbucks. A cinnamin

dolce latte... but I wanted to

try something else. Something

different, anything. Caramel

macchiata sounded good, add whip.

It wasn't as great as my

cinnamin, but I wanted the

change. I tried their spinach

feta wrap - I swear I'm a sucker

for gormet food - and it was

nasty. Babe, watch out. UGH. Like

watery tofu. Nastyyyyyyyy.
I came back and saw you hanging

out up front. I had to wonder.

You never did that before. Who is

it exactly that you're talking

to. Tim, it looked like. I didn't

recognize anyone else. You looked

soooo dang sharp. Hair styled.

That new tan suit that I never

got to ask you about. You went to

sit alone. Alone? Where was your

new freshman friend? Or was that

a one time thing? My mind was

running a million directions.

Really, I'm not sure if you want

to hear it. Why are you sitting

alone, babe? Is it a statement

that now you're free from all

responsibilities? Are you

hurting? Did your friends not

have room for you? Or is it

because Amanda is sitting the

next row over, just like last

week and the week before

that...... I didn't know what to

think. I'm stumped.
I did see you on your phone non

stop. Hmmm. Facebook that

intruiging now? Or are you

texting someone? Who? Who is

distracting you to pieces right

in church? I was confused. Sad.

For all the times you ignore my

texts, you're glued to your

phone. IT hurt, deeply.
Did you see me in choir, babe? I

didn't want to look at you and

make you sad. It was hard to sing

such a preppy song, but the words

made me sad, too. Foreign lands

need Jesus.... how could you

forget Ukraine? They need help so

badly.
During handshake time, you left.

I never saw you come back. Did

you go find friends to sit with?

Take off to meet that person you

were texting? Or just leave? I

wish I knew.
I had to leave early myself for

Bread bash. I didn't see Santanna

anywhere. I looked. I will always

look.
On the way, it was so cold out.

Dark was falling. On Rockwell and

16th, I saw a mom and two young

boys walking along the side of

the road. They were white.

Bundled in hooodies with hoods

up. The wind was so cold. I felt

a huge streak of grief. A mom and

two boys walking. It reminded me

of your stories when you were

with you mom. It broke my heart.
That is who my Levi is to me. Not

that cool as ice, popular as

heck, untouchable Heartland stiff

who has no commitment or respect.

But the one in the silly bean

hat, broke beyond broke,

struggling from a hard life, as

real and deep and precious as

I've ever encountered in my

entire life. That is who I miss.

I miss him so much. He inspired

me. He opened my eyes like no one

ever did. I don't want some suit

from Heartland who can joke the

jokes and preach the sermons and

jive with all the guys and have

perfect hair and an emptiness in

his eyes. I want my Levi who

didn't have time to do his hair

and tried his best to make do

with what he had, but who loved

God and loved me and wanted to

help others. He inspired me, and

he captured my heart. He was

different than anyone I'd ever

met at Bible college. He wasn't

like any of the others.
Joy called me over to her. I

really like the Hintons. John and

Mallory. Joy, especially. She

introduced me to her younger

sister, Jone. Yes, Jone, not

Jane. Joney (Jonie for short) was

really cute. I wondered vaguely

if she and Kendon would get

together someday. She seemed very

sweet. JOy asked me how it went

with you when my parents were

here. When she heard the nutshell

version, she offered to send John

to go talk to you. It make me

laugh, and start crying. I miss

Steven. He'd straighten you out

like a peice of wire. But I

couldn't bear to do anything to

you. I love you. I just want to

help you while you go through

this time... but you don't want

me to be there. So I don't know

what to do. I'm so lost.
On the way to Panera, Kendon

played me Russian songs. He knows

how badly I am hurting. He went

into Oncue but told me, "This is

a song I got when Ruslana left

me." I was at college when he met

and fell in love with Ruslana, a

blonde girl from Dneprepetrovsk.

They were together for a year?

And then she left him. I know it

broke his heart, but he greives

quietly. I squeezed his hand. We

don't share a lot of words, but

we have developed such a close

relationship with what you did to

me. Suddenly, the playful

freshman kid is now a quieter,

kinder brother to me. It isn't

Steven, but it means so much.
I miss my Russian music. I miss

the beat of it as I trip down the

cobblestone streets of Sumskaya

downtown, dash into coffee cafes,

shop in the boutiques. I don't

miss the poverty, but I miss the

feeling. Leather, high heels,

lipstick. The song he played for

me said, 'ti ne moi geroi. Eta ne

igra.' which translates, 'you

aren't my hero and this isn't a

game.' It was a sad song. But you

will always be my hero.
Then he played Low by FloRida and

T-Pain. Haha I love that song! A

club mix. "The whole club was

looking at her....!" It stirs my

blood. Like Johhny Cash

prescribed, If you feel blue,

just get rhythm. It helps, in a

way.
Oh. At church in the foyer I ran

into Michelle Grimm and Jenna

Anderson. My original Panera

girls. I wish I had time to hang

out and just talk work and life.

They are looking great. I wish I

felt as great.
Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore.
The verse from Isaiah 54 is still

in my head. God called a women

forsaken and greived in spirit. I

feel so engulfed in this grief.

The tears, the pain, the sheer

betrayal. But God can still use

me... somehow....
I think of Regine's Book.
Today I googled literary agents.

I want to see my book published.
Bread bash was okay. Angie hugged

me sooooo tight. I hung out with

her and Kayla and Kelsey. Angie

said she might come next

Sunday!!! It made me so excited,

in a small way. Any emotion is

small in me right now.
Graduation is 66 days. No

kidding. That's exactly this

semester all over again. In a

way, it gives me hope. If you

could leave me and be so far away

in 60 days.... could you come

back in 60 more? That is my

prayer. Not going to lie. When I

wake up, that is my prayer. That

God would change me in any way he

needs to so that I can be the

girl for you. And that God would

change you so that you can be the

man for me. That he would do it

in 60 days. I pray for his will,

ultimately... which is a hard

prayer to pray and mean it... but

I do mean it. I just feel

convinced in my heart that when I

prayed about you when we were

courting, and even before, that

he meant it when he gave me

peace. So my prayer is that God

will do with me whatever he needs

and do with you whatever it takes

to bring you back before I

graduate.... so that I can

graduate with a smile, and not

with grief in my eyes.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
I love you still.