Day Two

Day Two

Saturday, March ninth.

Last year, this day was your

Noelle Day. This day was my Levi

Day. This was the day when the

cares of the week crashlanded and

the world came to a screeching

halt. Saturday. The day when I

could see my best friend and

remember how to breathe. Remember

that things are good, the future

still exists beyond Heartland,

and God has a plan for me. A time

to look back on the week and see

the failures and victories, a

time to pray about how we could

have a better week, how we could

glorify God more in the next

people.
Saturday... alone.
This whole year I've spent my

Saturdays alone. I have never had

any idea what you do on your

Saturdays. Do you go on

visitation now? Do you get good

rest from your long week? Do you

do homework? Go out to eat dinner

or go to the caff? My Saturdays

have been so hard.
Kendon takes the car and goes to

work, and I stay stranded on

campus. Stranded. The most

suffocating feeling in the world.

Alone... with no escape...
Every once in a while I'll drop

Kendon off so I have the car and

a means to get off campus. Since

I spend the week going straight

from teaching to work from sunup

to curfew, Saturdays are the only

day for me to do anything off

campus. But I am always so tired

by 10pm that I don't want to

drive all the way up there and

get him. Plus, gas is so

expensive babe... I'm going

through so much money on gas...

it worries me but I don't know

what to do. God will supply, I

know.
I prayed a lot today. Took a long

shower, and cried through it. I

miss you. My room is cold and

empty. I couldn't bear to turn on

the lights but sat in the

darkness and just... greived. For

the best friend who is now gone.

And soon may be gone forever.
Eventually I powered up my

computer and applied to 3 banks.

I don't know what will happen but

I need a change. Panera is

burning me out and I am going

nowhere. I asked my dad what he

thought about a career at Panera

for the next year, as shift

leader/manager, and although he

said he appreciated Panera up to

now, he would much rather see me

with a different classification

of a job. Bank. Jewelry.

Something a little classier than

the food business. That stung.

But it was the direction I needed

from God. My dad even went and

talked to Mike, my district

manager (DM) and still said the

same thing. So, I'm job hunting

now.
I couldn't bear the thought of

going to dinner. I was sure that

since you have a car you might

eat out, but, I didn't want to

have to force you to spend money

to avoid me. So I just prayed

more and tried to do some

homework. The student teaching

assignments are a very heavy

weight.
My mom sent me some verses. They

really helped. From Isaiah 54. It

talked about not being afraid or

ashamed (vs 4) which is hard. I

am very afraid. Losing your love

was the biggest earthquake in my

trust life. How can I trust

anyone now? If two years of your

love confirmed and expressed and

demonstrated and promised over

and over again wasn't real...

what will ever be real? I am

afraid that I will never be able

to love again. I don't know if I

ever want to love again.
And ashamed... I am so

humiliated. How am I supposed to

go to church? Before I was in

denial but now? Seeing you

sitting with your new best

friends is not only going to cut

me alive, but humiliate me.

Because now everyone knows. They

probably knew a long time ago

seeing as how you're a frequent

flyer on FB these days. The

humiliation of being dumped,

abandoned, of not being good

enough. The censer in people's

eyes, wondering what I did, where

I cam short, why I was so stupid

to tell people about the future

when it will never be.... I am so

ashamed.
Verse 6 is really precious to me.

"For the LORD hath called thee as

a woman forsaken and grieved in

spirit."
Wow.
I cried so hard at that. A woman

forsaken. A girl abandoned. It's

right there in the Bible. Grieved

in spirit. Anguished,

heartbroken, shattered. No more

joy, no more dreams, no more hope

and happiness and bliss... just

darkness.
And still God can use me in this

state? He can call me. Somehow as

hard as it is to accept that this

valley is from God's hand, it is.

He allowed you to make the

choices that would lead you

astray, away. I guess He knew

that even though his perfect will

was for us to be together,

growing stronger for his name, he

could accomplish things

regardless with us apart. He

could still use me even broken

and abandoned and bereft. The

hard part is having any desire

left to let him do anything with

me anymore.
I still love you.
I miss my Levi. I wondered about

how your work week finished out.

You never responded to my texts.

I wonder if you see them or if I

am blocked. If you read them or

just instantly delete them now. I

may never know, but... I still

wonder.
My Levi day is over now. I feel

more exhausted than when it

began, and a new week is starting

tomorrow. One hour earlier than

ever.