Day Four

A blur. Darkness, screaming, running endlessly in the same direction. Sheets, headboard, phone. Empty phone. More darkness. Phone, messages, Levi. Levi, please. Levi help. Trembling fingers. Floor, hard, cold, solid. Warm, slow tears. A blur again.
I didn't want to go to school again. Late. Cold, shaky, a slight fever. I couldn't figure out what to wear. I couldn't remember what I was supposed to teach what class, where we left off, what problems I would face, what time things happened. My roommates laughed at me about the nightmares. "Levi, I'm so fat and you're in sin- God isn't happy!" Micah had recorded it on her phone, the conversation with my demons was so loud.
The song on the radio, She Loves Me Like Jesus, didn't help. What was the point?
The sunrise over the downtown didn't happen. It was an hour earlier than normal. The city was angry, black, flat. Cars coming into the city made a blinding stream of white. I rolled past a big accident, smoke still rising from the shattered engine, cops not on the scene yet. I couldn't stop the wish that it was me, but knew from past experience with Andrea that the worst wreck wouldn't change anyone but me.
We talked.
Talked... as in I pleaded, you yelled. Pitiful, really.
7:16am March 11, 2013, Monday
Me: I love you still.
My Boyfriend :) Your dad does not want us talking. Please dont
Me: I'm not leaving you. I'm not. I love you.
My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him?
Me: I'd rather you call me. He knows how I feel already. I'm praying you come back, every day. I need my Levi.
 My Boyfriend :) No that is why we talked. no more. Dont make me call him again
Me: I don't understand why you don't love me. Why? Why did you change? I didn't change. I will NEVER stop loving you. I'm not built that way. I will love you no matter how much you hate me.
Me: I'm not trying to corner you :'( I'm trying to pray for you. But it hurts. I miss you oh so much. I lovest thou you.
 My Boyfriend :) That was the reason we talked at the west. Closure.. something u desired so greatly with Brandon that sparked all of this. The west was closure Noelle focus on God. Not on me
Me: You left me because of Brandon???!!!! LEVI PIERCE FOWLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want him one iota!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE. Believe me. PLEASE. I stopped talking to him when you asked!!!!!!!!!! I never ever wanted to bring him in between us!!!! I don't want him at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even chase him when he left me but I've been praying for you every day since you left me!!! Levi!!!!!!
 My Boyfriend :) I didn't say he was the source did I.. that was the whole point of the west closure. Closed. Done. Now please stop focusing on me. Its against your dads will you cant tell me you obey him when ur blatantly disobeying right now. I have to go right now. Just focus on God
Me: He never once said I couldn't write you, not once, never. You inferred Brandon... I really don't want him, just you. I focus on God - we are closer now that I pray for you every morning. I'm NOT leaving you Levi. Everyone has walked out on you I'm NOT going to do the same. I know you need time. I'm praying for that. I just want to remind you on MY hardest days that I love you.
 My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him so that he will say writing as well? Goodbye Noelle I'll change my number now
Me: Why do you hate me for loving you?
Me: I guess I understand how Jesus felt. Hated and rejected by the ones he loved for supposedly no reason.
Me: I'm sorry I make you so upset. I'm in denial, I guess. I love you - you said. How can I know - I asked. Trust me - you said. I did trust you. I just won't want to be like your mom, your dad, Nikki, I am just different and I don't think I can really stop loving you Levi. I can't do it.
7:55am March 11, 2013 Monday

It was the first time you've threatened me since you left, but not the first time ever. You threaten all the time to call my dad as if you don't have a clue that I'm not afraid of that. My dad listens, trusts, and respects me. We don't have problems discussing our differences anymore... not since the car wreck, anyways. I wonder if you threaten it because it would have scared Nikki? Or maybe it's just the huge clue in that you feel powerless so you're trying to revert to someone who you think has more power? Maybe it's a sign of your own weakness.
You said "call him again." Again. As in, when? That phrase still stands out to me. When did you call him the first time?
I tried so hard to shout of my loyalty because I am terrified it is shattering all over the place and I can't grasp it in my head. It just doesn't make sense. Not my Levi.
It's the first time you've brought of Brandon. Also the first time that you've mentioned the idea of "what started all this." I find it highly peculiar that you meantioned them both in the same sentence, at the same time, for the first time, all together. Although you went on to vaguely deny it, I still feel that there is something there. In fact, I have a feeling that there is a LOT there. That you may be pretending like this is some huge spiritual revelation to leave me... but in truth, I feel bitterness in you. Hate. Resentment. Jealousy and.... cruelty? Horrible words, I know. They don't describe you, but the emotions I feel coming from you through your words and actions. Could it be that you are so mad at me over Brandon that you are trying to punish me in the very worse way you know how? If so......... holy cow, Levi. ='(
I also notice that after each heartfelt, passionate cry of mine you respond so.... coolly, untouched... it's amazing. Again, you tried to take me back to my dad. I don't know what he said to you but I guess he left you with the impression that we were forbidden to communicate? You sure tried to act like it, accusing me of a whole lot and the pathetic part is my dad never said anything of the sort to me. I find it so ironic, so... sad. It is also the most passionate outburst you have... the words you used? blatant disobedience. against your dads will.
I love how at the end you didn't even respond to anything I said - that I was trying to give you time, that I was trying to pray for you... you just bit my head off. "writing as well" you said... meaning my dad must have given you definitely orders about talking, then.

Closed. Done. Goodbye, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.......................................

I don't remember what happened for the rest of today. Work, I guess. But I am in shock, like a blow to my guts. Can't breathe, can't think, can't swallow.
Forever, Levi?
You really hate me?
You'll never love me, forever?

Oh, God.