Day Nine

Dorm Day. It dawned soft and warm, but far too early. My roommates were all up way before me, but I didn't want to face the day. Another Saturday... another Levi's day.... And even harder, another anniversary. Dorm Day last year? The hotel... the warmth of snuggling under the blankets, tangled in your arms.... the soft kisses, pushing me on the counter and stealing my breath with your long, hungry kisses... waking up and feeling you right next to me, just a reach away. So tangible. So safe, far away from the exhaustion and the unfairness of Heartland. You were so angry at them that day, and I blew 75$ to try to give you an outlet, to give you an escape, to be your friend. This Saturday, just a year later, and everything was so different. It was much warmer. Last year was so cold, and grey, and miserable. This year the sun was warm and spring was soft and sweet in the air. It wasn't fair. I packed up my stuff for spring break - all twelve bags plus my comforter and pillow - and began the endless treks to the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Arms so tired. Where are you Levi? You helped me move in... wow.... blinding tears.
After touching up my room, I pressed a kiss to Patrick's glass. I didn't want to leave him.... one of the few tangible links I have with the past we had. Had. It's such a bitter word. Patrick lives on, Levi. Why doesn't your love for me? I love you so much. ;'(
Patrick waved at me goodby with his little fins, begging me to take him with me. I felt like I was being a bum but I wasn't sure what Kayla's apartments allowed pet-wise. And Mandii promised she'd take very good care of him. I know he misses you. It was nice to see that he misses me, too. At least someone does....
It was 645 when I pulled off campus. When I pulled off, a part of my heart sunk into the deep quicksand that has become the endless abyss of my emotions. They get plunged deeper and deeper, sucked down where no one can find them or comprehend them anymore and there's no pulling them back up. Just learning to live in the depth of the quicksand. How could I leave? And not know where you are? What you are doing this year? Last year you were driving to be with me, as close as literally possible. This year?? Where you stressed? Had you had enough time to clean? Did you even care this year? Were you going out with your roommates? With your stupid friends? Were you hanging out in the caff? Were you hanging out and having fun with your stupid replacements? Or were you in a corner miserable in your resentment and hatred at me? Where were you??? I didn't know. And it hurt so bad. I bawled, even at 645 in the moning.
Levi, I need you.
I need you.
I parked infront of the hair academy on 23rd and MacArthur, and set my alarm for 7:55. They accepted color clients from 8-10am only. I'll let you know, the Bonneville is a dream to fall asleep in. The leather seats were nicely heated and there was so much room and my body just cuddled down and soothingly... soothingly... drowning in the softness of my comforter... the sun and breeze lilting through the open sunroof....
.........I awoke at 9:45.
My alarm hadn't gone off. I awoke disorientated after such a sound sleep. Where was Levi? I groped among my pillows for my phone. Empty phone. Worthless phone. I saw the time and groaned. No way. I didn't know where Levi was. The helpless feeling made me frustrated. I ran in to ask them if they were still accepting clients for color - they weren't - there were four people ahead of me and they would never get me done in time for work.
I sat in my car and..... well, I didn't cry. I just existed for a while. Burning breaths, empty mind, lifeless body. God, I know you are there. I know you are. But I am such an empty shell. You need to fill me up, because I have nothing left. There is nothing in me.
I pulled into McDonalds and ordered the old familiar breakfast we used to share. Chicken biscuit, caramel frappe. It was good. But even the pleasure of the taste still lingered with the memory that eating alone is no fun. I miss eating with you.
I drove back to campus, and Kendon wanted to take the car to hang out with his friends. What was I going to do? I was lonely and aimless. I had blown my plans for the morning and I didn't know what to do. Go into the caff where my roommies were? I knew myself too well. I would really be looking for you. If you weren't there, I would be alive with suspense. But if you were, I would see who my replacements were for this anniversary day.... and that would kill me. I would not be able to pretend that it didn't cut me. So I just walked to my dorm, breathing in beautiful wind and sunshine. It was so pretty. It didn't make any sense. Why wasn't tomorrow gloomy and sad? The beauty of the weather defied the sadness in my soul.
I got back to my dorm and was reunited with Patrick. A few more minutes with my precious little fish. Then Kendon called.... what did he want? I had left him the car and keys. Surprisingly, he wanted to invite me out! His friends were unavailable.
I leapt at the chance.
Hanging with my brother!
Family... my family.... all I had left. And one of them was reaching out me, when I was always the one reaching out to them. He wanted to hang with me? Instead of his friends? Wow.
I changed into walking shoes - my cute Dolce&Gabanna converses with the butterflies. Ran to the car. Kendon had a cold bottle of rootbeer ready and we zoomed off, windows down, music blaring. He was especially kind. We went to the northwest side of Hefner, parked, and went for a brisk walk. We passed a guy flying huge kites - HUGE KITES, babe!- exactly what I dream about for my graduation party. My party.... will you be there? Oh, I pray so.... but I feel deep in my soul this great sadness that you will not.
We talked about his plans for Dallas, for the police. We talked about the devo he gave. I was so unspeakably proud for the man he is becoming. So proud.
Then we drove to the mall and had lunch together, and I got a call from Courtney Morgan. Who is coming to my graduation!!! And she will be there for my party!!! And she will do my hair for the banquet... not that you will be there ;'( but I want you to be.....
Then we walked around the mall and just window shopped. I showed him the engagement ring of my dreams. Vivaldi semi mount, halo, princess cut, glittering profile. He approved! I loved that =) He showed me some Gucci watched he liked.
Then it was off to work... zooming in the sunshine, wind blowing. It coould hardly have been better. Somehow this sad day had turned into something I could handle. I miss you with every fiber of my being but... God is still good to me. Even in the darkness, he is sending small rays of light.
Work was actually really bad.... I had to put gas in the Bonneville so Kendon could take it, and I drove him to the dorm. Then I loaded up the black Nissan, Corbin, and drove it to Kayla's... and it was on empty so I had to fill it up, too. OUCH. $$
I finally got to Kayla's around midnight. Her dog Saber slept with us in the huge bed. It was so cold.... it was dark and alien and I was scared driving on strange streets for on the northwesternmost edge of town. Even in bed there were strange noises from the other apartments and a dull, ominous amber glow from the street line shone into my eyes. I can't sleep with light... especially direct light, like that. It was a fitfull night before I feel asleep.....
..... and I know that I dreamed of you.