UpSiDe DoWn

Do you know what it's like to have your past run circles around you? To feel so trapped you go back to writing on a blog that the other person doesn't even remember, will never look at again, just throwing your wasted words into the black abyss of cyberspace? To feel so choked up that you're on break just because if you have to think for one more minute on the job you're going to burst into tears?
Why did you leave me, Levi? Why? Didn't you mean anything that you said on this blog? Didn't a single post, a single letter, leave any lasting reverberation in your heart? How can you be so blissful with the Noelle void in your life now? Except it isn't a void, because you patched it up pretty fast with the Tim filler and Anna filler and New Job Position filler. And here I am, still spinning my wheels, still thwarted by my past, still trapped in the pain and agony that your void leaves. Because you aren't replacable to me. Not for a minute, not for a day, not for seven months. You just weren't. I loved you that real. And you, did you love me at all? Please come back. Please tell me it was real. Everything is falling apart on me. I've tried to move on, to find some peace, to find some new life, some new anything. And my past keeps rushing back over me, everywhere I try to run from it. I just want to get away from it, to forget it. I threw my Andri box into the dumpster and I swore I would never remember but they won't let me. Credit reports, medical reports, the DMV, they all just keep hounding me. How could you judge me for hanging onto the past when it refuses to let me go as well? I tried to be the girl you wanted, who was free of the past, and it was just a lie. All I lost were the good memories, the sweet tangible evidence that in all that bad there was good. And I threw it all away. I threw it all away for you, for the boy who told me he loved me but didn't mean it. Not deep down where forever resounds in his soul. Because you walked away. You walked away, and you left me with all this mess. And I'm drowning. I'm drowning in it. I can't find up, I can't find down. I can't move forward because there is nothing there for me but more pain, more suffering from the choices of my past. And the good things in the past? The thing like... you? I will never get that back either.
Because it's days like today when I'm trapped and alone and the tears won't stop flowing and I have to go back to my high stress job in just a few horrible minutes and.... I'm sitting here writing on this blog. Because I didn't want you to go. I tried so hard to get you back. All I've ever done is fail.I've failed everything in my life. Every single thing. Every. Single. thing. And none of them, as important as you, and yet... none of them as final as you. Because you're gone today. You're always gone. And you always will be. You left me on my own and you are never, ever, coming back. You will always walk right by your Noelle and turn your smiles on someone else. There is nothing left for Noelle. nothing nothing at all.
Levi, why?