Seven Months

Oh, Levi. July 13th has come and gone... another month tucked into history, never to be erased. Why did you leave me? At what point did you stop loving and praying and turn... cold? To walk away and never look back? Oh, I saw you on Sunday all by yourself. I imagine Anna has gone back home, was ill, something. But it was the most bittersweet, hopeful sight I've seen all summer. My Levi... and the place at his side open. My place, waiting for me again. It was hard not to let the tears fall in the choir loft. Oh, Levi. How can I love you so much? Still? It's easy, really.... just go reread your own post from June 2nd, last summer. When we made our pinky promises to each other. When you compared us to tattered, fraying ropes, and the only strength that could keep us together is the 3rd cord of God intertwining us. Oh, to just read that... and I am awash with regret, shame, and repentance for all the times I let you down, God down. And the prayers and tears mingle from sadness to joy, because I know, I know, deep in my heart... I love you still. I'll do anything to try again. To make it. I'm still here... still here in Oklahoma City though I'm terrified... and I'm still praying and waiting all alone... and I love you more each day.
I know you are home today. Home... Washington... the beautiful castle in the sky to me. Did you fly? Who dropped you off? Did they give you a hug, a tight one, and tuck a letter in your hand to read on the plane? Did they text you in Los Vegas' layover? Are they praying for you, as I am, right now? Oh... I hope it is a good visit home. I'm so confused by all the time you have been able to take off work since you left me.. the Southern Jubilee, the Preaching Conference Week, the Banquet... and now, three weeks? That's what Davina told my mom... But oh. I can't express the joy inside my hurting heart. That my Levi could be home, could rest... oh, it makes me so happy... so wistfully jealous. I want to go home so badly.... And yet, I really want to go to you... You are my home.
I found this song randomly. I don't like the original by Jason Mraz quite as much as this cover by a little teen girl, because... it's easy to hear my voice instead of hers. But as I sat at the latest game night with all the Heartland Singles and Crossbearers and they poked me about not crushing on anyone yet... I looked over at the sunset and let the beauty and warmth wash across my pale, sad skin. Because I'm not alone. You're memories, your spirit, is in the chair right beside me. If i reach out my hand... I can remember what it felt like to have your hand hold mine. And it gives me hope. I will never want anyone else but you. You said it was not in your nature to hate? It is not in my nature to let go. Not ever.....

This song is for you.
I hope someday, you hear it on your own. And I hope that you think of your little Noelle. She misses you so much tonight.


I Won't Give Up on Levi