Revival

I don't really know what the use is putting this here. I just know that if I had the opportunity to talk to you about what God is doing in my life... I would really want you to know. I would want you to know why I am different. I would want you to know that I am. And I would hope that you would pray for me.
It all happened Sunday. 100 days after you left me, after that terrible blowup, and I was begging God for any kind of relief. Thursday I saw that you took the very last tokens of me in your life down and stored them in an old box and I saw Anna and Tim and you at work and I hit rock bottom. I had never known how deep the pain could go, how violently the blood could burn, and how deeply the sobs could wrench. Or how far the screams could echo. How vivid the despair could emulate. I thought that I knew loss when I lost Andrea. I had never felt loss like I did that night.
But I read a quote that says, Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you can discover that He is the Rock at the bottom. Quotes have come to mean so much to me recently. And that one is true, in a way, that when I hit bottom I clung to God's unfathomable love for me like a drowning kitten to its mother in a state-wide flood. I clung for my life, my very sanity, my very existence. I clung to God because I would not choose you over Him like I did with Andrea. Because in this horror, in this abandonment, I was not going to turn my back on God again. I was going to run to Him. And run to him I did.
I've been begging and pleading and wrestling with God for 100 days. This is not the place to recap all that we have discussed and learned together, God and I, over this time. But turning to God in the service Sunday night, yeilding myself to hear from him, was nothing new. What was new, however, was that I had finally given up keeping you ever again... and God spoke to me. Like, spoke to me. Spoke to me! In tones calm and undeniable, I hear from God himself that night and I took notes so furiously and the tears trickled down my face and Gabby and Joy shot me worried glances and I knew you and Tim were behind me up in the balcony somewhere and I didn't care; didn't care; all I could think about was that God was talking to me, beating me soundly, wrestling with me like he had wrestled with Jacob, and I was frozen in the moment. Utterly prostrate before His holiness. For the first time, like God answered Job after several dozen chapters of bitter agonizing discourse, God had ended my bitter agonizing philabustering and was answering me.
Gird thyself like a man. Stand on thy feet, and answer thou ME.
It was so painful, as if I had been smacked in the head with a two-by-four. It was after you left me, still deep in the winter, that I ran into a metal beam outside work and broke my nose. Smacked myself right in the face and blacked right own. Blood, bruised eyes, the whole nine yards. I spent two days in the back of the house with ice packs piled on my face, wearing a headset so I could answer the drive thru cars and still work some kind of shift, changing the bandages every twenty minutes. I blinding, shocking, 80-mile-an-hour-impact of heavy metal to my face is exactly what it felt like when God began talking to me on Sunday.
It started for some reason with the thought of opposites. If opposites attract, and you and I are so completely opposite, then why did we repell each other? If you are cool, easy, calm and laid back water, and I am deep, fiery, pasionate and agile fire, why didn't we click? Oh I went off thinking and analyzing and all sorts of stuff but God was about to tune my mind to a much deeper reasoning.
I began to think about Anna, and how she accosted me Sunday morning when I was just trying to avoid you all, and how much I hated her. Hated Tim. Hated every time I saw you laughing and smiling and chosing to invest in relationships while you had rejected an investment in our relationship. The hate, the rage, the trembling hysteria, was not far from the brink. And I sat there, thinking about Anna sitting up there with you, suddeny it was like God opened the heavens. I'll record it like I felt it happen.
"Noelle, do you think that I can't bring someone better than you into Levi's life?"
"Huh?"
"Do you think you are the most perfect girl in the universe for Levi?"
"Well.... I mean.... it felt that way.... he said I was..."
"Yes, he did in the beginning. In the end he rejected everythiing about you as being the worst thing in the world for him."
"But... but... I don't think he meant it..."
"What if he did?"
"If he did?"
"What if it were true? And everything about you he hates right now? And he always will?"
"But why would he hate me?!?!"
'Why indeed, Noelle." The accusatory silence, coming from God himself.
My eyes were opened.
"But God, I'm not perfect! Every girl is going to have flaws!"
"Your flaws became more than flaws. Your flaws became the very poison that destroyed his love and ultimately created his hate. He left you, because you have more than flaws."
Me, speechless in pain.
God, quietly persisent. "Do you think that I can't find a girl better than you?"
"Oh God... I know you can..."
"Would you dare to fault Me if I brought Anna into Levi's life because she is goin to be better for him than you were? Better to him?"
"But... but... my whol family enveloped him and loved on him!"
"You think her family can't??"
"But... but... he called me his precious little Noelle!"
"And do you think if I created Anna there are not precious things about her to me that I can lead him to see as well?"
"Oh God!!!!' I sobbed on the inside. "Would you do that to me?"
"Do you not deserve it?"
"Would you take him away when you already took away Dri and Brad?"
"Did you deserve that?"
"Yes.... I know I failed.... I know I messed up. I know I did. I know that I played a huge role in the destruction of that relationship...."
"And you do not to this one?"
Quiet now, contemplating. "You're right God. I do."
"Think about it. What exactly did he say made him run from you?"
"Calling him a coward."
"Did you call Andrea names?"
"Yes, I called her a monster."
"What gives you a right to call them that?"
"Because it was true. At least, it was true to how I felt about them in the situation."
"Noelle, I command my children to speak the turth in love. Were you obeying me?"
"No."
"What is disobedience to my direct commands?"
"It's sin, God."
"Sin, regardless of whether you were correct in how you felt or not. Why else did he run away?"
"I don't know. He insists Brandon isn't part of it but people say that is the reason he gives. That he felt I cheated on him."
"How did he treat you about Nikki and Brenda?"
"He was always so careful about my feelings. He never rbought them up.... I did.... He even said he wanted me on the phone if he called Brenda about his little sister. He was so respectful of me as his girlfriend... and... holy cow, God, I totally disrespected him!!! He was hurting me and I didn't think it would be a big deal but I chose to totally disrespect him in light of how respectfully he had treated me!"
"Do you think that is justifiable? Do you think I can't bring him a girl who will never give place for jealousy or mistrust in his heart?"
"Oh God you can and he deserves such a girl!"
"Why else did he leave you?"
"I don't know. He said once, the day we met during church on Grand Boulevard, when he hurt me so deeply that I fell to the ground weeping, that this was the reason that he was having second thoughts. I remember wanting to die. He was hurting me, and the results of that were the reason he wanted to walk away? It didn't make sense. But I think it wasn't so much the weeping as the hysteria. Because he kept saying, at the Vast, and later at Walmart last thursday, that he didn't want emotion. No emotion. He wanted a family member present so that emotions couldn't get out of control."
"What do you think he meant by that?"
"Well I remember letting them get out of control. I barely think about it because it's so painful, but I remember the day we fought about the Vast reservation, sitting in our cars and glaring and sobbing for hours. I remmeber keying Santanna. I remember screaming bloody murder over the phone. I remember cursing. I remember... Oh God must I continue???"
"Yes. I want you to see the truth of who you are."
"I remember blocking his calls. I remember ignoring when he tried to reach out. I remember punching him that one day when he scared me. I remember texting him dozens of times in hysterical agony. I remember begging and begging and begging like a broken record. I remember that stupid KFC chicken order when I freaked out at the lady regarding the messup, and our same faight after Jimmy John's coming back from Texas. I remember screaming I hated him that fateful night across campus when he ran away. I remember bitching across facebook in my fervor. I remember blocking him. Oh God."
"My daughter, I am ashamed of you."
"I know! I know! Oh God I did these exact same things to Andrea! I did them to her! And she left me and now I've done them to Levi took and he's left me too! Oh God won't you please kill me? Please?! I can't change! I Can't ever change!"
"Noelle, be still. Do you see now that I can bring anyone into his life an she would be a better soulmate for him than you?"
"Oh yes God yes! I am so ashamed! I have been an utter failure! You entrusted me with his heart and I tried but in the end I caved in to my passion and sinful nature and I was the woman in Proverbs who plucked down her home with her own hands! Oh God! There is so much more than I did wrong! I lied to him about not having his keys! I didn't listen to him when he told me to do things, I totally disregarded him!"
"Noelle, be still. You have finally opened your eyes to the truth about your character. You are sinful and destructive. Can you fault me that I have taken Levi from your life?"
"God I can't! It would be so unlike a loving Father that you are to Levi to put him in someone's life like mine. Oh God the shame is burning me so much. Oh God how can I even begin to beg your foriveness? To beg his?"
"My forgiveness is always before you when you earnestly seek it. The time to apologize to him will come later, and you must trust me to bring that day around. Now can you look at Anna and tell me what you see?"
"Oh God I see a girl that you have allowed to enter his life. A girl whom is obviously interested in him. Oh God is hurts so badly, he is my Levi, my love, but if he were to draw to her she would find the most gentle, sweetest friend in the whole world! And God if she can love him more gently than I can, I am so ashamed, please let her love him for me because he deserves it! Oh God, let me weep on your chest a while and confess all this wickedness to you and let me find the solace of your mercy."
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A while later
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"God, thank you. Thank you for this beating. For opening my eyes... for forgiving me... and for changing my heart. God, I am at such a loss. It seems that you entrust me with precious CHristians and I am used of the Devil to bring pain and anguish into thier life and my own and it results in explosions. God, how can I change? I don't want to lose my fire but God it must be lost because it is burning down everythiing. God, how could you make me with such passion and zeal and deep emotions if there is only an end to them that people hate? God, how should I douse the fire of my passion and not douse my very spirit? God how to do I change without changing me???"
"Listen, and I will talk to you a while."
"Speak, Lord, and I am your humble servant listening now."
"Noelle, did I make you as you are? Did I shape in you the great depth of emotion, passion and fire?"
"Yes, Lord, you did but I am so confused..."
"Shhh. Be still sweetheart while I talk to you."
"Lord, quiet my racing mind so I can hear you clearly."
"I will if you would yeild to my spirit. Noelle, do you think that I would make you just as you are and not provide a while for those things to exist in harmony with your relationships?"
"I had never truly thought about it. It seems everyone tells me they are an evil that must be stifled by the presence of someone else so I don't bother them with my emotions and passion."
"They are wrong. It is only an evil in the end that it brings. And Levi wants another person present bcaus eyou have failed to control your emotions and passion safely yourself."
"Oh."
"Noelle, how do people like fire?"
"What do you mean?"
"Fire that is admired. In waht form is it found?"
"Well.... fireplaces. Like the cozy homey fireplace in Brixton square. Or candelabras. Or lanterns."
"Noelle, your first is a plague because you have been a fire out of control. The fire in you is not the problem. It is the out of control factor that is the problem. The wild fire, devouring, consuming, spreading, errupting, billowing out of control and spewing ash, smoke, death and destruction. That is you, and that is the passion you have. Of course people tell you to douse the fire! And of course they ran. Andrea. Levi. Who wouldn't in thier right minds escape a wild fire like that?!?!"
"Oh Lord."
"Levi once said to you that if he treated you like you treated him, you'd be long gone and he was right and you knew it. Andrea actually said the same thing to you. Don't you see the pattern?"
"Yes, and I am so discouraged by it. God how can I change? I destroy everything."
"Noelle, I created that fire in you and I do not desire to see it extinguished. Noelle, how do people love a fire? Noelle.... you need a lantern."
And in my head, in that moment, I saw the most beautiful illustration from heaven. The hand of God reaching down to my little pitiful flickering flame, and capturing it in the most beautiful, exquisitely crafted, placid glass flute of a lantern.
"Noelle, you need a lantern."
"Oh my...."
"You need the calm, cool, still, tranquil, and placid glass of my holy spirit surrounding your spirit. Noelle, I desire that you burn and burn brightly, just like Paul. But to do that you need to have a shield. A sheild that will keep your fire from spreading out of control, and that is the temperance of the Holy Spirit. You need a glass that will allows others to draw close close close to you without ever being alarmed of the flame or being burned, and that is the cool flawless protection of the glass flute of the lantern. Noelle, you need a lantern. You need the Holy Spirit."
And in that minute, my life changed.
Because I saw myself as a unique creation of God that did not have to just be doused out and only lead to ruin. I saw myself as acreation of God that Satan had taught how to run ablaze and out of control. I began to see beautiful fires, several stories high, burning in public libraries while people gazed and admired them, all because of the tranquil, strong glass that encased it.
And suddenly so much made sense.
All the girls that avoided me because of my passion. They were afraid of the fire, confused by it. I could nver relate to them because I felt fake. But now I saw that having a glass lantered didn't make me fake, it made me complete. I could smile gently at them in the dorm or in church and not feel fake. Becaus ethe pain and humailiation might burn within me as deep as ever, but it is not out of control to leap at them in angry sparks and puffing smoke. No, it is contained by the calming presence of the Holy Ghost.
And I began to understand that this grief I feel, this pain, this agony.... God is equipped to handle it. No one else is, not even Levi. Just God and me alone in that flame. Everyone else outside the fire on the other side of the glass, protected by the tranquil sheild of the HOly Spirit.
And suddenly for the first time I understood a woman being closer to God than to her husband. For I had longed for Levi to know me inside and out to the very depths of my soul, but now I knew that he was not equipped to live inside that flame with me. That was not his zone. That was God's. And Levi could be the closest one to me and hold the lanter tightly against his chest where it could warm his heart and shine light on his day, but it would never ever burn him because the holy spirit is there providing him tranquility and safety and peace. And God and me could deal with the depth of the emotions, and the fervor of the passion, and the bightness of the hysteria. and no one else would be destroyed by them.
And suddenly.... I understood everyting.
And i knew that I am not ready for Levi to come back.
If God were ever so graciouis for bring you back, he would not be so unkind a father as to bring you back now. He has chastened me, and he has revived me, and he has set me on a new path. But now I must walk this path with him and him alone until I am tried and true. Until he can trust me again with the heart and life of one of his precious souls, whether you, or whether anyone else in life.
And I know in shame and honesty that if you never come back, then I have deserved it.
But my prayer is that you will come back, and you will find me changed.
And regardless.... I am changed.
My parents and Bible teachers and so many people have tried to teach me this missing key to my life, but I never saw it until I saw it on Sunday, the hand of God stretched down from heaven to capture my pitiful little flame with the brilliant placid glass of his Holy Spirit.
And now when I look at you, I feel regret and shame and and love and.... hope. Because I see clearly now. And when I see Tim's menacing glares, I think of how badly Kendon despises you and I see someone who is misinformed but has your back, and I am grateful. I want to go up to him and ask him not to hate me, but to tel him that I appreciate him in your life so much. Giving you a friend. Giving you rest, and peace, and some measure of happiness. And when I look at Anna... I feel sadness, and a measure of righteous jealousy, but I also feel the presence of God. And I want to go ask her to be gentle to you and to give you the love that you deserve so much. And tell her that I am still praying that God change me into a woman who you can love again, but if He does not ever bring you back to me, I still will always love you. And that means wishing the best for you.... whatever that is at the loving hands of the Father.
And this is why I am different.