I don't think I say it enough, in regards to the kinds of wounds I inflict..... You are the sweetest, most precious little Levi and I don't ever, ever want to hurt you.... and yet, I find that I do.... in those horrible moments when I lose who I am, and become who I once was.... it is you I hurt, my best friend, my sweet, sweet prince. How many times do you apologize to me? Even when you're not wrong. Even when I don't deserve it. You care so much about me, about us, about making things right and cherishing me rather than defending yourself... I... I don't know how to tell you how awful I feel.... I don't treat you like I should, like I used to, like I told myself I always would... I say things I never should, and so many times, even when you try to tell me to stop, and I just keep going... I know I can never ever get them back... And somehow, the next day you are smiling to see me, and hugging me close, and arranging your day to spend as much of it as possible with ME..... and it just blows my mind.... it is like this huge knife in my heart.... because you are so, so precious and I need you so badly and you should blame me and hate me and hang over my head how awful I was Saturday night and yet you don't.... you just keep loving me, ME....
You're right, you know... I'll never get back the things I said. I'll never be able to take them back.... and I can't erease the effect they have....
But I can say, honestly, truly, that I am sorry.... so, so sorry... and I was wrong.... you weren't, it was me.... and that I love you, so much, in spite of it all, if you'll just believe me... and that I want to make it up to you.... I want to spend the rest of the days of this semester trying as hard as I can to never say one more unkind thing to you, no matter how mad or frustrated or upset I get... not one more unkind, unfair thing.... and I hope that you will forgive me, and forget.... that you won't let Satan use my weakness against us.
I love you, Levi Pierce Fowler.... I love everything about you... every inch of you, every smile, every look in your eye... everything....
Please hold me close this week. I'm scared. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm so very weak.
I love you. I love you, I really really do....
So so much.
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