First Wintry Day

My dear prince, my best best friend~
I've been reading back through our blog at night as I lie in bed trying to stay awake until you get off. How could I have forgotten?? So many of the memories revived just took my breath away. I'm ashamed to admit it, but in the hectic helter-skelter of the reality of today, this week, the now... I had forgotten. I'd forgotten the depth and the passion and the beauty that slowly became our story last semester. I'd forgotten how badly it had hurt to never see you during the week, I'd forgotten what it felt like to get a letter from you, I'd forgotten about the first time we decided to pray and read our Bibles together. How could I have forgotten? I want to just memorize each and every post, every little memory, every little taste and sound and word and image and feeling, until they are so absorbed into my being that I could never forget again.... I know you think I have a great memory, but I feel at times I have the worst memory ever, and my brain just clicks "off" to so many details I wish so badly I could hold onto forever... It would be easy to panic, because I don't want to lose these memories, but I remember the words you said.... that love is about making new memories, every day. About holding onto the past but also building a future... about old familiarity and new discovery entwined into every day... about a sense of permanence that I'd always longed for.

This week has been crazy, insanely busy. We've been working so hard, and when we are not working~ we have been sleeping, struggling to keep our eyes open, one foot in front of the other, chin up ~ each day a pounding deadline of incessant time. Time, that cruel master. It's like there is no time to breathe, to think, to even feel... just time to respond to each new hurdle, each new deadline, each new responsibility.
I am so proud of you. Did you know that? I should say it more often, I feel. You work so incredibly hard. Last night when I visited Western Panera for the first time since my transfer, I sat there listening to my manager Greg brag about his glory days of school, when he had 20 credit hours. I wanted to laugh. 20 hours is a daily reality for me and you, on top of work.... I am so proud of you. When he asked where you worked and what hours, and I told him, Greg responded, "Oh, so he isn't going to Heartland, then?" He couldn't fathom working that much and going to school at the same time. I can't even fathom it. It's insane. I keep praying every day that God would send some relief, but He hasn't yet and I don't know why. I know he let the Israelites suffer for 400 years and yet he heard their cries every day. He waited, because he had a plan, but I just hope that His plan has change coming soon, not 400 years from now.... or 40....

I don't have a lot of time between classes, but I just really wanted to blog you a little something. I've missed this blog a lot. I've missed writing. I'll admit, the feeling is coming back. I know that we had a fight last week because of something you said. You didn't like my new interested in interior design, you said, as much as you liked my writing. That hurt. Not because I expected you to choose the one over the other, but because I'm furstrated with myself over my own lack of inspiration to write..... and it makes me feel like a failure. If that's all I have to give to life, I feel like a failure.... What can I do as a writer? nothing, I fear.....
But I wanted to say thank you for keeping on believing in me even when I don't really beleive in myself right now. Even when it seems I reject your words, never forget that I always keep them inside me so I can think on them later. I've been thinking on those particular words a lot.... Do you really think I have any kind of future with my writing? It feels so vastly hopeless... and I know you don't have the answers right in hand.... but I wonder if you aren't right and I am just of too little faith. Regardless, I wanted to say thank you.... thank you for loving me and encouraging me and always believing in me, Levi. It is the greatest give you have given me, your love and faith in me.

One of the best things I've rediscovered in rereading our old posts (and I'm only in month 2, Februrary lol) is back when we really used to count on Rigel and Jupiter, our stars, to symbolize our love. Idk it was so unique =) I love the analogy and I just wanted to bring that back if at all possible. I want to be your star again, as well as your princess and best friend =) I love you Levi............

It's winter again, and we've reached the one year mark! Soon we will celebrate one year of being together in person, and I'm so excited. So much is happening, and I am so grateful to be sharing it all with you. My best, best, friend. The love of my life. My Levi.

Hugs,
your star