Saturday

I can't write a post as beautiful as yours, but because it was a such an amazing day to me, too... I wanted to put up my own post. I don't know why, when I look forward to something so much, that I grow so sad by the time it comes around it almost ruins that very thing I've been looking forward to. I don't know why. But the reality of the brevity just overpowers the sweetness of even having it at all, until I am overcome by grief that won't leave not matter how hard I wish it away. I wanted to say I'm sorry for being so sad and crying. I wanted it to be a happy time, but I couldn't escape the sadness. I think it will get easier with time, to pace myself, to accept the reality, to enjoy it as much as possible... I hope so.
I like what you said, about making more memories to replace the ones that fade into the past. I don't ever want to lose the memories of our days together, not ever ever, baby. Anyways. I guess I am just trained to accept that people are only in my life short term. It's just how my life has been; I was never allowed to hold onto anyone. I always knew that every friend I made I would have to say goodbye to; if American, when I returned overseas; if in Ukraine, when I went back to America... people forget and change and move on... until all I have left is the memories, and whatever little tangible evidence remains to mark their passing through my life.
The idea of forever, of something lasting, is so hard to grasp in my head. But it is a wonderful idea, and it is my big hope and prayer.... I want something to be forever. And I want it to be you... I don't want to look back and say, "Oh, Levi was this amazing guy once... we were best friends at this time... I miss those days..."  I don't ever want to move on from you. I'm so tired of giving my love and energy away to people that don't last. I want an investment that will be long term... that will have interest... that will be forever. Or at least, till I grow old and die someday...
I was thinking about the upcoming years. I don't know. Sometimes I just like to let my head wander ahead and dream about things to come, and try to imagine where I'll be in a year, two, five, ten, thirty... I want you in those days, Levi... a year from now I want to be your girlfriend if not your fiancee... someday your wife... I want to be traveling the world with you... Mexico, Seattle... I want to spend the Fourth of July with you this year and remake history, leave the past behind forever... I want a bunch of nha dates this summer... to push you into the river at our secret place... I want ice cream dates and long walks around The Loop next semester... I want to sit by you at church and at chapel, instead of seeing you so far away... I want to be making your hometown my hometown, and meeting your family... I want you to be at the O'Brien weddings and meeting my family... I want you standing beside me when my book gets published.... I want to be there when you make your move to where you'll go after Heartland, and I want to be the one to cut the ribbon when we get a house of our own... I want you to help me pick out our dog... and I want it to be you who I give the extra keys to my truck someday... (or Corvette haha) I don't know. I want you and everything about you... I want want our stories to get so tangled up that mine becomes yours, and yours becomes mine...
Maybe it's wishful thinking? To want you that much? When I don't deserve you and I have no guarantee you will choose me to share your story with? But I can't help it... I love you so so much...
All I know is I want 17 more Saturdays with you. And blog posts and phone calls in between. And when summer comes, I want the freedom to throw myself at you and the faith that you'll catch me and twirl me around a gazillion times.
I love you.
I can't wait till next Saturday. =)
Your girl,
Noelle