I don't really know what the use is putting this here. I just know that if I had the opportunity to talk to you about what God is doing in my life... I would really want you to know. I would want you to know why I am different. I would want you to know that I am. And I would hope that you would pray for me.
It all happened Sunday. 100 days after you left me, after that terrible blowup, and I was begging God for any kind of relief. Thursday I saw that you took the very last tokens of me in your life down and stored them in an old box and I saw Anna and Tim and you at work and I hit rock bottom. I had never known how deep the pain could go, how violently the blood could burn, and how deeply the sobs could wrench. Or how far the screams could echo. How vivid the despair could emulate. I thought that I knew loss when I lost Andrea. I had never felt loss like I did that night.
But I read a quote that says, Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you can discover that He is the Rock at the bottom. Quotes have come to mean so much to me recently. And that one is true, in a way, that when I hit bottom I clung to God's unfathomable love for me like a drowning kitten to its mother in a state-wide flood. I clung for my life, my very sanity, my very existence. I clung to God because I would not choose you over Him like I did with Andrea. Because in this horror, in this abandonment, I was not going to turn my back on God again. I was going to run to Him. And run to him I did.
I've been begging and pleading and wrestling with God for 100 days. This is not the place to recap all that we have discussed and learned together, God and I, over this time. But turning to God in the service Sunday night, yeilding myself to hear from him, was nothing new. What was new, however, was that I had finally given up keeping you ever again... and God spoke to me. Like, spoke to me. Spoke to me! In tones calm and undeniable, I hear from God himself that night and I took notes so furiously and the tears trickled down my face and Gabby and Joy shot me worried glances and I knew you and Tim were behind me up in the balcony somewhere and I didn't care; didn't care; all I could think about was that God was talking to me, beating me soundly, wrestling with me like he had wrestled with Jacob, and I was frozen in the moment. Utterly prostrate before His holiness. For the first time, like God answered Job after several dozen chapters of bitter agonizing discourse, God had ended my bitter agonizing philabustering and was answering me.
Gird thyself like a man. Stand on thy feet, and answer thou ME.
It was so painful, as if I had been smacked in the head with a two-by-four. It was after you left me, still deep in the winter, that I ran into a metal beam outside work and broke my nose. Smacked myself right in the face and blacked right own. Blood, bruised eyes, the whole nine yards. I spent two days in the back of the house with ice packs piled on my face, wearing a headset so I could answer the drive thru cars and still work some kind of shift, changing the bandages every twenty minutes. I blinding, shocking, 80-mile-an-hour-impact of heavy metal to my face is exactly what it felt like when God began talking to me on Sunday.
It started for some reason with the thought of opposites. If opposites attract, and you and I are so completely opposite, then why did we repell each other? If you are cool, easy, calm and laid back water, and I am deep, fiery, pasionate and agile fire, why didn't we click? Oh I went off thinking and analyzing and all sorts of stuff but God was about to tune my mind to a much deeper reasoning.
I began to think about Anna, and how she accosted me Sunday morning when I was just trying to avoid you all, and how much I hated her. Hated Tim. Hated every time I saw you laughing and smiling and chosing to invest in relationships while you had rejected an investment in our relationship. The hate, the rage, the trembling hysteria, was not far from the brink. And I sat there, thinking about Anna sitting up there with you, suddeny it was like God opened the heavens. I'll record it like I felt it happen.
"Noelle, do you think that I can't bring someone better than you into Levi's life?"
"Huh?"
"Do you think you are the most perfect girl in the universe for Levi?"
"Well.... I mean.... it felt that way.... he said I was..."
"Yes, he did in the beginning. In the end he rejected everythiing about you as being the worst thing in the world for him."
"But... but... I don't think he meant it..."
"What if he did?"
"If he did?"
"What if it were true? And everything about you he hates right now? And he always will?"
"But why would he hate me?!?!"
'Why indeed, Noelle." The accusatory silence, coming from God himself.
My eyes were opened.
"But God, I'm not perfect! Every girl is going to have flaws!"
"Your flaws became more than flaws. Your flaws became the very poison that destroyed his love and ultimately created his hate. He left you, because you have more than flaws."
Me, speechless in pain.
God, quietly persisent. "Do you think that I can't find a girl better than you?"
"Oh God... I know you can..."
"Would you dare to fault Me if I brought Anna into Levi's life because she is goin to be better for him than you were? Better to him?"
"But... but... my whol family enveloped him and loved on him!"
"You think her family can't??"
"But... but... he called me his precious little Noelle!"
"And do you think if I created Anna there are not precious things about her to me that I can lead him to see as well?"
"Oh God!!!!' I sobbed on the inside. "Would you do that to me?"
"Do you not deserve it?"
"Would you take him away when you already took away Dri and Brad?"
"Did you deserve that?"
"Yes.... I know I failed.... I know I messed up. I know I did. I know that I played a huge role in the destruction of that relationship...."
"And you do not to this one?"
Quiet now, contemplating. "You're right God. I do."
"Think about it. What exactly did he say made him run from you?"
"Calling him a coward."
"Did you call Andrea names?"
"Yes, I called her a monster."
"What gives you a right to call them that?"
"Because it was true. At least, it was true to how I felt about them in the situation."
"Noelle, I command my children to speak the turth in love. Were you obeying me?"
"No."
"What is disobedience to my direct commands?"
"It's sin, God."
"Sin, regardless of whether you were correct in how you felt or not. Why else did he run away?"
"I don't know. He insists Brandon isn't part of it but people say that is the reason he gives. That he felt I cheated on him."
"How did he treat you about Nikki and Brenda?"
"He was always so careful about my feelings. He never rbought them up.... I did.... He even said he wanted me on the phone if he called Brenda about his little sister. He was so respectful of me as his girlfriend... and... holy cow, God, I totally disrespected him!!! He was hurting me and I didn't think it would be a big deal but I chose to totally disrespect him in light of how respectfully he had treated me!"
"Do you think that is justifiable? Do you think I can't bring him a girl who will never give place for jealousy or mistrust in his heart?"
"Oh God you can and he deserves such a girl!"
"Why else did he leave you?"
"I don't know. He said once, the day we met during church on Grand Boulevard, when he hurt me so deeply that I fell to the ground weeping, that this was the reason that he was having second thoughts. I remember wanting to die. He was hurting me, and the results of that were the reason he wanted to walk away? It didn't make sense. But I think it wasn't so much the weeping as the hysteria. Because he kept saying, at the Vast, and later at Walmart last thursday, that he didn't want emotion. No emotion. He wanted a family member present so that emotions couldn't get out of control."
"What do you think he meant by that?"
"Well I remember letting them get out of control. I barely think about it because it's so painful, but I remember the day we fought about the Vast reservation, sitting in our cars and glaring and sobbing for hours. I remmeber keying Santanna. I remember screaming bloody murder over the phone. I remember cursing. I remember... Oh God must I continue???"
"Yes. I want you to see the truth of who you are."
"I remember blocking his calls. I remember ignoring when he tried to reach out. I remember punching him that one day when he scared me. I remember texting him dozens of times in hysterical agony. I remember begging and begging and begging like a broken record. I remember that stupid KFC chicken order when I freaked out at the lady regarding the messup, and our same faight after Jimmy John's coming back from Texas. I remember screaming I hated him that fateful night across campus when he ran away. I remember bitching across facebook in my fervor. I remember blocking him. Oh God."
"My daughter, I am ashamed of you."
"I know! I know! Oh God I did these exact same things to Andrea! I did them to her! And she left me and now I've done them to Levi took and he's left me too! Oh God won't you please kill me? Please?! I can't change! I Can't ever change!"
"Noelle, be still. Do you see now that I can bring anyone into his life an she would be a better soulmate for him than you?"
"Oh yes God yes! I am so ashamed! I have been an utter failure! You entrusted me with his heart and I tried but in the end I caved in to my passion and sinful nature and I was the woman in Proverbs who plucked down her home with her own hands! Oh God! There is so much more than I did wrong! I lied to him about not having his keys! I didn't listen to him when he told me to do things, I totally disregarded him!"
"Noelle, be still. You have finally opened your eyes to the truth about your character. You are sinful and destructive. Can you fault me that I have taken Levi from your life?"
"God I can't! It would be so unlike a loving Father that you are to Levi to put him in someone's life like mine. Oh God the shame is burning me so much. Oh God how can I even begin to beg your foriveness? To beg his?"
"My forgiveness is always before you when you earnestly seek it. The time to apologize to him will come later, and you must trust me to bring that day around. Now can you look at Anna and tell me what you see?"
"Oh God I see a girl that you have allowed to enter his life. A girl whom is obviously interested in him. Oh God is hurts so badly, he is my Levi, my love, but if he were to draw to her she would find the most gentle, sweetest friend in the whole world! And God if she can love him more gently than I can, I am so ashamed, please let her love him for me because he deserves it! Oh God, let me weep on your chest a while and confess all this wickedness to you and let me find the solace of your mercy."
-----
A while later
-----
"God, thank you. Thank you for this beating. For opening my eyes... for forgiving me... and for changing my heart. God, I am at such a loss. It seems that you entrust me with precious CHristians and I am used of the Devil to bring pain and anguish into thier life and my own and it results in explosions. God, how can I change? I don't want to lose my fire but God it must be lost because it is burning down everythiing. God, how could you make me with such passion and zeal and deep emotions if there is only an end to them that people hate? God, how should I douse the fire of my passion and not douse my very spirit? God how to do I change without changing me???"
"Listen, and I will talk to you a while."
"Speak, Lord, and I am your humble servant listening now."
"Noelle, did I make you as you are? Did I shape in you the great depth of emotion, passion and fire?"
"Yes, Lord, you did but I am so confused..."
"Shhh. Be still sweetheart while I talk to you."
"Lord, quiet my racing mind so I can hear you clearly."
"I will if you would yeild to my spirit. Noelle, do you think that I would make you just as you are and not provide a while for those things to exist in harmony with your relationships?"
"I had never truly thought about it. It seems everyone tells me they are an evil that must be stifled by the presence of someone else so I don't bother them with my emotions and passion."
"They are wrong. It is only an evil in the end that it brings. And Levi wants another person present bcaus eyou have failed to control your emotions and passion safely yourself."
"Oh."
"Noelle, how do people like fire?"
"What do you mean?"
"Fire that is admired. In waht form is it found?"
"Well.... fireplaces. Like the cozy homey fireplace in Brixton square. Or candelabras. Or lanterns."
"Noelle, your first is a plague because you have been a fire out of control. The fire in you is not the problem. It is the out of control factor that is the problem. The wild fire, devouring, consuming, spreading, errupting, billowing out of control and spewing ash, smoke, death and destruction. That is you, and that is the passion you have. Of course people tell you to douse the fire! And of course they ran. Andrea. Levi. Who wouldn't in thier right minds escape a wild fire like that?!?!"
"Oh Lord."
"Levi once said to you that if he treated you like you treated him, you'd be long gone and he was right and you knew it. Andrea actually said the same thing to you. Don't you see the pattern?"
"Yes, and I am so discouraged by it. God how can I change? I destroy everything."
"Noelle, I created that fire in you and I do not desire to see it extinguished. Noelle, how do people love a fire? Noelle.... you need a lantern."
And in my head, in that moment, I saw the most beautiful illustration from heaven. The hand of God reaching down to my little pitiful flickering flame, and capturing it in the most beautiful, exquisitely crafted, placid glass flute of a lantern.
"Noelle, you need a lantern."
"Oh my...."
"You need the calm, cool, still, tranquil, and placid glass of my holy spirit surrounding your spirit. Noelle, I desire that you burn and burn brightly, just like Paul. But to do that you need to have a shield. A sheild that will keep your fire from spreading out of control, and that is the temperance of the Holy Spirit. You need a glass that will allows others to draw close close close to you without ever being alarmed of the flame or being burned, and that is the cool flawless protection of the glass flute of the lantern. Noelle, you need a lantern. You need the Holy Spirit."
And in that minute, my life changed.
Because I saw myself as a unique creation of God that did not have to just be doused out and only lead to ruin. I saw myself as acreation of God that Satan had taught how to run ablaze and out of control. I began to see beautiful fires, several stories high, burning in public libraries while people gazed and admired them, all because of the tranquil, strong glass that encased it.
And suddenly so much made sense.
All the girls that avoided me because of my passion. They were afraid of the fire, confused by it. I could nver relate to them because I felt fake. But now I saw that having a glass lantered didn't make me fake, it made me complete. I could smile gently at them in the dorm or in church and not feel fake. Becaus ethe pain and humailiation might burn within me as deep as ever, but it is not out of control to leap at them in angry sparks and puffing smoke. No, it is contained by the calming presence of the Holy Ghost.
And I began to understand that this grief I feel, this pain, this agony.... God is equipped to handle it. No one else is, not even Levi. Just God and me alone in that flame. Everyone else outside the fire on the other side of the glass, protected by the tranquil sheild of the HOly Spirit.
And suddenly for the first time I understood a woman being closer to God than to her husband. For I had longed for Levi to know me inside and out to the very depths of my soul, but now I knew that he was not equipped to live inside that flame with me. That was not his zone. That was God's. And Levi could be the closest one to me and hold the lanter tightly against his chest where it could warm his heart and shine light on his day, but it would never ever burn him because the holy spirit is there providing him tranquility and safety and peace. And God and me could deal with the depth of the emotions, and the fervor of the passion, and the bightness of the hysteria. and no one else would be destroyed by them.
And suddenly.... I understood everyting.
And i knew that I am not ready for Levi to come back.
If God were ever so graciouis for bring you back, he would not be so unkind a father as to bring you back now. He has chastened me, and he has revived me, and he has set me on a new path. But now I must walk this path with him and him alone until I am tried and true. Until he can trust me again with the heart and life of one of his precious souls, whether you, or whether anyone else in life.
And I know in shame and honesty that if you never come back, then I have deserved it.
But my prayer is that you will come back, and you will find me changed.
And regardless.... I am changed.
My parents and Bible teachers and so many people have tried to teach me this missing key to my life, but I never saw it until I saw it on Sunday, the hand of God stretched down from heaven to capture my pitiful little flame with the brilliant placid glass of his Holy Spirit.
And now when I look at you, I feel regret and shame and and love and.... hope. Because I see clearly now. And when I see Tim's menacing glares, I think of how badly Kendon despises you and I see someone who is misinformed but has your back, and I am grateful. I want to go up to him and ask him not to hate me, but to tel him that I appreciate him in your life so much. Giving you a friend. Giving you rest, and peace, and some measure of happiness. And when I look at Anna... I feel sadness, and a measure of righteous jealousy, but I also feel the presence of God. And I want to go ask her to be gentle to you and to give you the love that you deserve so much. And tell her that I am still praying that God change me into a woman who you can love again, but if He does not ever bring you back to me, I still will always love you. And that means wishing the best for you.... whatever that is at the loving hands of the Father.
And this is why I am different.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Day 18 Part I
Eighteen days since we sat together at The West. It's ubelievable how fast time is flying by, relentless and uncaring. A lot like how I see you these days. I woke up so tired, freezing cold, and it was so hard to get up for another week of school that I didn't want. My curls took some work to make look decent- ended up swirling them in a half-coif taped down with bobby pins. I didn't realize how hard the wind was blowing or I would have gone with something a little more durable. I pulled on my blue Tatuum sweater with the mother of pearl buttons - my dad had bought me it a long time ago, and I'd just found it again. It was loose on me, but still warm.
The Bonneville was all the way at the end of the lot. It was a very long walk in the cold, dark morning wind, lugging my heavy bag and limping along in my worn boots. The heels dug into my feet and my shoulder ached from the bag and the car seemed forever away. It was so cold. My ears were ringing and aching.
At least once I got in, the agony settled down quite noticeably. The car handles like a dream on the road. I played Begin Again via the tape cord and the speakers are really, really nice. The morning cold was chased away but my eyes were still an aching tired as I stared through the blur of lights on dark city roads.
Roadwork pooled traffic to a dead stop near the intersecting bridge of 44/240. I lost fifteen minutes of drive time crawling along. Next time, I'll get in the right lane for 240 Amarillo and then cut back in at the top. Because at that point, road work only lasted another 20 feet or so. Oh, well..... just had to speed, fighting the shuddering wind on the road, to make it to class in time.
I didn't want to ask the other teachers if I could come observe for them but i needed to. I have been a total coward about it, a real wimp noodle. I managed the courage to ask Mrs Knight, but Rachel is still teaching for her and I definitely don't want to waste my time listening to Rachel try to teach. But I need a break so badly. I'll have to see tomorrow if Mrs. Campbell will be teaching or if Nicole will still be trying her hand. Of course there is always Mrs. Doehman, even though I don't like her. I play with the idea of watching other classes besides straight English, but I"m so painfully shy I can't imagine trying to ask the teachers.
SAT testing got moved up a week. Mrs. Chambers wants me to help her with it.... so I lost my only other break for the rest of the semester. DANG.
I brought my prizes for my journalism class. Russian chocolate, sukhariki, and a two grivna bill. I hope they liked them. First hour was a disaster... Mrs. Chambers threw out like 21 referrals over my trying to teach. It was pitiful. I hate, hate, hate, hate yelling at them to be quiet so I can just talk. So many of them turned in articles that weren't even 1%. I was so frustrated and just... so weary. So empty of all this.
Katie had foot surgery over break and came in a wheelchair. That was interesting. Zane had an arm in a cast, and that was another big conversation piece. But most of the kids looked like me - maybe a new haircut, but weary and exhausted. Break wasn't fun for most of us. We were all waiting for summer to get here. Please, summer, please.
On campus I checked my mail for the first time since break - sure enough, I got hours. For my bed not made, which didn't make sense but... whatever... who cares about that 20$? I went up to argue about it with Kari but she was so vague it wasn't even funny. I got a little note from Bailey, which helped, but not much. I saw Tim coming through the Go Ye. He was staring me down with that judgmental, non-smiling look of his and I just looked away. Please, leave me alone. I'm so tired of the hate.
I wrote out the invites to my graduation party back in the dorm because Kendon didn't want to go get the car. It was frustrating. As I wrote them out, my heart ached and bled with the flow of the pen onto the parchment. This was the paper from my high school graduation, which I also wrote out by hand... my special paper I'd used for my very first letters to you, last winter. The sharp difference was so harsh, I ached. How could it be possible? It still didn't make sense. How did you just hang around with Tim at church and not want to come over and talk to your Noelle? I don't get it.... I don't get it.... I don't get it....
Another week at work. Hopefully, with the double I worked on Thursday, this will help even hours out a lot. I need the overtime so badly. I hope to get extra hours in tomorrow, even though I'm also trying to work out as well. Maybe Mrs. Chambers will let me leave after second hour. Hmm. I can try.
It's sunny out, but freezing cold. Feels a lot of like. All the appearances of being fine, ready to graduate, moving into shift leader......
... but the reality is a freezing wind of hurt and confusion and exhaustion.
I need to read my Bible on the way to work today. I am so overwhelmed.
The Bonneville was all the way at the end of the lot. It was a very long walk in the cold, dark morning wind, lugging my heavy bag and limping along in my worn boots. The heels dug into my feet and my shoulder ached from the bag and the car seemed forever away. It was so cold. My ears were ringing and aching.
At least once I got in, the agony settled down quite noticeably. The car handles like a dream on the road. I played Begin Again via the tape cord and the speakers are really, really nice. The morning cold was chased away but my eyes were still an aching tired as I stared through the blur of lights on dark city roads.
Roadwork pooled traffic to a dead stop near the intersecting bridge of 44/240. I lost fifteen minutes of drive time crawling along. Next time, I'll get in the right lane for 240 Amarillo and then cut back in at the top. Because at that point, road work only lasted another 20 feet or so. Oh, well..... just had to speed, fighting the shuddering wind on the road, to make it to class in time.
I didn't want to ask the other teachers if I could come observe for them but i needed to. I have been a total coward about it, a real wimp noodle. I managed the courage to ask Mrs Knight, but Rachel is still teaching for her and I definitely don't want to waste my time listening to Rachel try to teach. But I need a break so badly. I'll have to see tomorrow if Mrs. Campbell will be teaching or if Nicole will still be trying her hand. Of course there is always Mrs. Doehman, even though I don't like her. I play with the idea of watching other classes besides straight English, but I"m so painfully shy I can't imagine trying to ask the teachers.
SAT testing got moved up a week. Mrs. Chambers wants me to help her with it.... so I lost my only other break for the rest of the semester. DANG.
I brought my prizes for my journalism class. Russian chocolate, sukhariki, and a two grivna bill. I hope they liked them. First hour was a disaster... Mrs. Chambers threw out like 21 referrals over my trying to teach. It was pitiful. I hate, hate, hate, hate yelling at them to be quiet so I can just talk. So many of them turned in articles that weren't even 1%. I was so frustrated and just... so weary. So empty of all this.
Katie had foot surgery over break and came in a wheelchair. That was interesting. Zane had an arm in a cast, and that was another big conversation piece. But most of the kids looked like me - maybe a new haircut, but weary and exhausted. Break wasn't fun for most of us. We were all waiting for summer to get here. Please, summer, please.
On campus I checked my mail for the first time since break - sure enough, I got hours. For my bed not made, which didn't make sense but... whatever... who cares about that 20$? I went up to argue about it with Kari but she was so vague it wasn't even funny. I got a little note from Bailey, which helped, but not much. I saw Tim coming through the Go Ye. He was staring me down with that judgmental, non-smiling look of his and I just looked away. Please, leave me alone. I'm so tired of the hate.
I wrote out the invites to my graduation party back in the dorm because Kendon didn't want to go get the car. It was frustrating. As I wrote them out, my heart ached and bled with the flow of the pen onto the parchment. This was the paper from my high school graduation, which I also wrote out by hand... my special paper I'd used for my very first letters to you, last winter. The sharp difference was so harsh, I ached. How could it be possible? It still didn't make sense. How did you just hang around with Tim at church and not want to come over and talk to your Noelle? I don't get it.... I don't get it.... I don't get it....
Another week at work. Hopefully, with the double I worked on Thursday, this will help even hours out a lot. I need the overtime so badly. I hope to get extra hours in tomorrow, even though I'm also trying to work out as well. Maybe Mrs. Chambers will let me leave after second hour. Hmm. I can try.
It's sunny out, but freezing cold. Feels a lot of like. All the appearances of being fine, ready to graduate, moving into shift leader......
... but the reality is a freezing wind of hurt and confusion and exhaustion.
I need to read my Bible on the way to work today. I am so overwhelmed.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Day 17
It was raining when I got to the apartment, late at night. Working the Z-Rack in the freezer left me so cold that my bones were shaking, and the wind whipping the rain felt like fire on my skin. I ran to the apartment. I had a fortune cookie from the Chinese that said, "You are a good person, generous and loving to others." It made me so sad. I stuck it by the odometer, because no one else wrote me notes anymore. I didn't have anyone to tell me I was a good person... just a stupid fortune cookie....
Inside, I embraced the warmth of the heater. Kayla had left it on. I stretched against the blankets and felt... so fatigued... so discouraged. Taylor Swift's new song Begin Again played lonesome through my head. I know you are into jazz and oldies music, but I'd missed my Taylor Swift. Her voice is so exqiusite, and her guitar so sweet and soft, and her lyrics are so true to how I feel. The part of the song where she says, "I've been spending the past 8 months, thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end..." Those words haunted me. Break. Burn. End.
I fell asleep to those words.
When I woke up, it was 6:30. the room was so blissfully warm. I fell asleep, woke up, back and forth again, but this time it was out of comfort and warmth. I finally just got up, packed, and went to the gym. I worked out, took a long hot stone shower, and spend forver on my hair and makeup. It was WAY too cold for my tiny sheer mint dress, but I didn't ahve anything else and I really wanted you to see me in it with my chocolate boots and new tan. My only regret was that I didn't have new sporty blonde hair.
I sang along to Begin Again on my way to pick up Angie. We were running late. Kendon texted, he was running late. I texted Gabby - she was running late. It made me laugh. What a group!
We ended up all taking a row to ourselves, complete with Bailey and Kendon's old roommate CJ and my two Russian girls Zhenya and Yulia. I saw you sitting right above me, but as soon as i had that first glimpse, I refused to look again. No way. Not after what you have done to me. Gabby peeked for me and said you were sitting with Tim. I didn't care. We left right away for lunch, and I didn't care what your plans were. You didn't want me to care. I was tired of being rejected.
We went to Charlestons on Meridian and SW20th. I had the chicken avacado club sandwhich and I about died!!!!! I twas hands down the best sandwhich I've ever ever had. The had a chicken-strawberry-pineapple salad that looked so good I dream about going back with you and trying it...... Angie helped me out of my jacket so I could show off my nice tan arms. Sexy arms, she called them. I blushed.
Afterwards we went to Angies to grab her car so she could change. Chinese decor, her car, and cigarettes. I've decided I will never have a cat because everyone I know who has a cat smokes. It seems like such a dirty animal to me.
We drove to Red Cup. It's on Classen/36rd. It was just like cuppies and joe but... more "urban" Angie explained. More psycho is what I thought. Far too... hippie for my taste. At least Cuppies and Joe had nice soft couches and an old piano. This place was all crazy gypsy and hippie decor.
We talked about so much. She really thinks I need to move on. Usually I shut down when people tell me that, but I know she cares so much.
I had to rush to choir, listening to Begin Again on full blast in my ears. It was easier to live in Taylor's sweet, simple explanation of life than try to sort my own feelings and hurt and anger.
Choir was really nice. I sat next to Randi, who takes attendance. I really like doing practice before church because it helps gear me up for the message. I saw two of my kids in church! Katelyn and Zane. That made me so happy. I went to my car for a little baby nap before church, and Kendon woke me trying to find where I was. Usually I would be trying to check out your car, but I just went on in. Who cares were you were. You didn't want me to care. It was easier not to try anymore.
You were sitting on my row, talking with Gary. I about had a cow. What the heck!?!?! How was I supposed to get my stuff with you in the way? Politely ask you to move? as if a knife isn't choking my throat?!?! I tripped over my own feet and hesitated in the aisle. I know you saw me and chose to stay where you were. I went to go sit and talk with Joy. I wasn't about to give you the sick pleasure of knowing Ihad to wait for you. Joy was busy talking to a lady but i didn't care. I just wanted someone else to look at besides you. You in your stupid tan suit with your fancy hair, all social and sparkly.
I knew you were done when I saw you walking down the other aisle, looking at me all smug. Yeah, that's right Levi, walk down the opposite way just so you can try to attract me. Sure.
I went and put my stuff up and Gary didn't seem too happy with me but I didn't care. I'd claimed this row first. I noticed his girlfriend wasn't sitting with him. Hmm. I got on my phone texting no one in particular so that I wouldn't be sitting all alone. I knew you were up front socializing, and i kept feeling your eyes on me.
That's right, Levi. I'm ignoring you. Just like your stupid text messages. I'm done begging you to come back. I'm so done.
Time for choir.
I purposefully cut across to walk in front of you. I wanted you to have a full view of my curls, my jade jewelry, my flowing sexy dress, the soft boots against my tan legs. Maybe you'd even get a heady scent of my j'Adore perfume. I flounced by and didn't look at you. Read 'em and weep, Levi.
In choir, two ladies came up to tell me they were talking about me in choir because they liked my clothes. boots. watch. etc. One giggled, "Don't you like how we are really just into your clothes?" I tried not to show my annoyance. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Kayla was a Heartland grad, married, mom of a 1-year-old and her and her husband were pew sitting "waiting for God to call them." It was pathetic. she seemed nice. Melinda? I think? with short blond hair is the music teacher at CCS. The fat girl with half-Asian eyes didn't leave her name.
We walked out onto the platform and the lights hit me and I knew my belt was sparkling, my watch sparkling, my dress flowing, my curls shining. I put on a small smile and focused on the choir director. I could tell immediately you weren't in your usual spot. I didn't look for you, although my eyes did a nonchalant 180 skim of the building. Whatever.
It wasn't until congregational singing that i saw you, front row center with your new best friend Tim. You couldn't take your eyes off me, a fact that pleased me very, very much. But i forced myself to look above your head at th eback of the room, or over at oh-so-dark and handsome Lucas, or at the podium. I was so mad at you.
When we left the stage, I could have gone around the back. But I flaunted right across the front row, letting you have one more look at me in my best posture, a flowing march. Then I joined Kendon who whispered, "You are never getting back together with that jerk" and I wondered what you had done to him. Come on, Levi, don't make more battles than you can win!!!
I loved where you were sitting. so much better than the balacony. I had you right in my radar and I didn't have to try. You were goofing off during the sermon way too much. Whispering with Tim. Scratchign notes or quotes or doodles or something, trying to look all spiritual.
The guy who came up and spoke in Chinese recruiting missionaries to Taiwan annoyed me. You laughed like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I yawned. I could do that too, ramble off in a foreign language. Big deal. I wanted to slap you silly and then come kiss you breathless until your body was aching for me. I miss kissing you, the chemistry that molded us together beyond comprehension. Those mad, intense kisses that turned into so much more. you needed a good punch, and a dang good kiss.
The sermon was sooooo good. But it made me miss my dad's sermons so badly.
It was about leaving the alter if you haven' tmade things right, and I wanted to scream at you. See?!?!?! Missing church to try to make things right with you wasn't bad!!! It was right!!!! You would never see. you are so blinded by your hatred. The whole make things right... it resonated like a heavy blow. I knew I couldn't take the lord's supper because you hate me, and I can't fix it. I can't. You don't want it fixed. Over, done, closed..... your words constantly follow and haunt me.
Church ended, and I prayed long and hard.
God, help me. I haven't been perfect. I've messed up so much. I'mstruggling with so many emotions right now. Please, purge out the leaven. Keep my heart in a place where you can bring Levi back and do that something amazing you were doing.
But when I left, I didn't know wher eyou were or what you were doing. And I knew that you weren't going to fix things. They were never going to get fixed.
I drove home, and spent 8 trips bringing stuff in. I checked the bulletin board - apparently Hope won the dorm contest, and your dorm. Oh. So that's what you were up to, more than likely. Fliritng and living it up in the caff with your new stupid friends.
I trudged back and forth, then forced myself to unpack and organize. I was so tired. I wanted to escape to the gym, to the warmth of the tanning bed, to the space and freedom of brixton square. But I was trapped in this dorm with screaming girls.
I passed a group of 8 of them, my own domr mates, and none of them said hi. I have to be th eonly girl that can walk past 8 others on campus and not one of them say hi.
I felt so bitter.
After unpacking, Mandi wanted to talk. She is sweet and I missed her, but I just wanted to be alone.
School is almost over. there is so much of it left, but..... it is almost over. I have to try to hold on. I have so much homework done. But I'm just so so so tired.
I'm toning, and tanning, but I'm not losing weight. How will you see how badly you've destroyed me if I don't look skinny? I need to fast again. I need to do something.
I'm going to work on some homework until it's 1030, curfew, and then I'm going to go bury myself in sleep. I can escape tomorrow and not think about things. like that fact i still haven't paid my bill. And i don't know how i'm going to get it all paid off before i graduation.
Or like why the shift button my computer is sticking, so that I have to fight to type anything.
It's freezing cold in the dorms, and i get very depressed when I am cold. Cold and tired and alone.
Because you left me.
And all you taught me was that life breaks, and burns, and ends.
Ends.
Ends.
Inside, I embraced the warmth of the heater. Kayla had left it on. I stretched against the blankets and felt... so fatigued... so discouraged. Taylor Swift's new song Begin Again played lonesome through my head. I know you are into jazz and oldies music, but I'd missed my Taylor Swift. Her voice is so exqiusite, and her guitar so sweet and soft, and her lyrics are so true to how I feel. The part of the song where she says, "I've been spending the past 8 months, thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end..." Those words haunted me. Break. Burn. End.
I fell asleep to those words.
When I woke up, it was 6:30. the room was so blissfully warm. I fell asleep, woke up, back and forth again, but this time it was out of comfort and warmth. I finally just got up, packed, and went to the gym. I worked out, took a long hot stone shower, and spend forver on my hair and makeup. It was WAY too cold for my tiny sheer mint dress, but I didn't ahve anything else and I really wanted you to see me in it with my chocolate boots and new tan. My only regret was that I didn't have new sporty blonde hair.
I sang along to Begin Again on my way to pick up Angie. We were running late. Kendon texted, he was running late. I texted Gabby - she was running late. It made me laugh. What a group!
We ended up all taking a row to ourselves, complete with Bailey and Kendon's old roommate CJ and my two Russian girls Zhenya and Yulia. I saw you sitting right above me, but as soon as i had that first glimpse, I refused to look again. No way. Not after what you have done to me. Gabby peeked for me and said you were sitting with Tim. I didn't care. We left right away for lunch, and I didn't care what your plans were. You didn't want me to care. I was tired of being rejected.
We went to Charlestons on Meridian and SW20th. I had the chicken avacado club sandwhich and I about died!!!!! I twas hands down the best sandwhich I've ever ever had. The had a chicken-strawberry-pineapple salad that looked so good I dream about going back with you and trying it...... Angie helped me out of my jacket so I could show off my nice tan arms. Sexy arms, she called them. I blushed.
Afterwards we went to Angies to grab her car so she could change. Chinese decor, her car, and cigarettes. I've decided I will never have a cat because everyone I know who has a cat smokes. It seems like such a dirty animal to me.
We drove to Red Cup. It's on Classen/36rd. It was just like cuppies and joe but... more "urban" Angie explained. More psycho is what I thought. Far too... hippie for my taste. At least Cuppies and Joe had nice soft couches and an old piano. This place was all crazy gypsy and hippie decor.
We talked about so much. She really thinks I need to move on. Usually I shut down when people tell me that, but I know she cares so much.
I had to rush to choir, listening to Begin Again on full blast in my ears. It was easier to live in Taylor's sweet, simple explanation of life than try to sort my own feelings and hurt and anger.
Choir was really nice. I sat next to Randi, who takes attendance. I really like doing practice before church because it helps gear me up for the message. I saw two of my kids in church! Katelyn and Zane. That made me so happy. I went to my car for a little baby nap before church, and Kendon woke me trying to find where I was. Usually I would be trying to check out your car, but I just went on in. Who cares were you were. You didn't want me to care. It was easier not to try anymore.
You were sitting on my row, talking with Gary. I about had a cow. What the heck!?!?! How was I supposed to get my stuff with you in the way? Politely ask you to move? as if a knife isn't choking my throat?!?! I tripped over my own feet and hesitated in the aisle. I know you saw me and chose to stay where you were. I went to go sit and talk with Joy. I wasn't about to give you the sick pleasure of knowing Ihad to wait for you. Joy was busy talking to a lady but i didn't care. I just wanted someone else to look at besides you. You in your stupid tan suit with your fancy hair, all social and sparkly.
I knew you were done when I saw you walking down the other aisle, looking at me all smug. Yeah, that's right Levi, walk down the opposite way just so you can try to attract me. Sure.
I went and put my stuff up and Gary didn't seem too happy with me but I didn't care. I'd claimed this row first. I noticed his girlfriend wasn't sitting with him. Hmm. I got on my phone texting no one in particular so that I wouldn't be sitting all alone. I knew you were up front socializing, and i kept feeling your eyes on me.
That's right, Levi. I'm ignoring you. Just like your stupid text messages. I'm done begging you to come back. I'm so done.
Time for choir.
I purposefully cut across to walk in front of you. I wanted you to have a full view of my curls, my jade jewelry, my flowing sexy dress, the soft boots against my tan legs. Maybe you'd even get a heady scent of my j'Adore perfume. I flounced by and didn't look at you. Read 'em and weep, Levi.
In choir, two ladies came up to tell me they were talking about me in choir because they liked my clothes. boots. watch. etc. One giggled, "Don't you like how we are really just into your clothes?" I tried not to show my annoyance. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Kayla was a Heartland grad, married, mom of a 1-year-old and her and her husband were pew sitting "waiting for God to call them." It was pathetic. she seemed nice. Melinda? I think? with short blond hair is the music teacher at CCS. The fat girl with half-Asian eyes didn't leave her name.
We walked out onto the platform and the lights hit me and I knew my belt was sparkling, my watch sparkling, my dress flowing, my curls shining. I put on a small smile and focused on the choir director. I could tell immediately you weren't in your usual spot. I didn't look for you, although my eyes did a nonchalant 180 skim of the building. Whatever.
It wasn't until congregational singing that i saw you, front row center with your new best friend Tim. You couldn't take your eyes off me, a fact that pleased me very, very much. But i forced myself to look above your head at th eback of the room, or over at oh-so-dark and handsome Lucas, or at the podium. I was so mad at you.
When we left the stage, I could have gone around the back. But I flaunted right across the front row, letting you have one more look at me in my best posture, a flowing march. Then I joined Kendon who whispered, "You are never getting back together with that jerk" and I wondered what you had done to him. Come on, Levi, don't make more battles than you can win!!!
I loved where you were sitting. so much better than the balacony. I had you right in my radar and I didn't have to try. You were goofing off during the sermon way too much. Whispering with Tim. Scratchign notes or quotes or doodles or something, trying to look all spiritual.
The guy who came up and spoke in Chinese recruiting missionaries to Taiwan annoyed me. You laughed like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I yawned. I could do that too, ramble off in a foreign language. Big deal. I wanted to slap you silly and then come kiss you breathless until your body was aching for me. I miss kissing you, the chemistry that molded us together beyond comprehension. Those mad, intense kisses that turned into so much more. you needed a good punch, and a dang good kiss.
The sermon was sooooo good. But it made me miss my dad's sermons so badly.
It was about leaving the alter if you haven' tmade things right, and I wanted to scream at you. See?!?!?! Missing church to try to make things right with you wasn't bad!!! It was right!!!! You would never see. you are so blinded by your hatred. The whole make things right... it resonated like a heavy blow. I knew I couldn't take the lord's supper because you hate me, and I can't fix it. I can't. You don't want it fixed. Over, done, closed..... your words constantly follow and haunt me.
Church ended, and I prayed long and hard.
God, help me. I haven't been perfect. I've messed up so much. I'mstruggling with so many emotions right now. Please, purge out the leaven. Keep my heart in a place where you can bring Levi back and do that something amazing you were doing.
But when I left, I didn't know wher eyou were or what you were doing. And I knew that you weren't going to fix things. They were never going to get fixed.
I drove home, and spent 8 trips bringing stuff in. I checked the bulletin board - apparently Hope won the dorm contest, and your dorm. Oh. So that's what you were up to, more than likely. Fliritng and living it up in the caff with your new stupid friends.
I trudged back and forth, then forced myself to unpack and organize. I was so tired. I wanted to escape to the gym, to the warmth of the tanning bed, to the space and freedom of brixton square. But I was trapped in this dorm with screaming girls.
I passed a group of 8 of them, my own domr mates, and none of them said hi. I have to be th eonly girl that can walk past 8 others on campus and not one of them say hi.
I felt so bitter.
After unpacking, Mandi wanted to talk. She is sweet and I missed her, but I just wanted to be alone.
School is almost over. there is so much of it left, but..... it is almost over. I have to try to hold on. I have so much homework done. But I'm just so so so tired.
I'm toning, and tanning, but I'm not losing weight. How will you see how badly you've destroyed me if I don't look skinny? I need to fast again. I need to do something.
I'm going to work on some homework until it's 1030, curfew, and then I'm going to go bury myself in sleep. I can escape tomorrow and not think about things. like that fact i still haven't paid my bill. And i don't know how i'm going to get it all paid off before i graduation.
Or like why the shift button my computer is sticking, so that I have to fight to type anything.
It's freezing cold in the dorms, and i get very depressed when I am cold. Cold and tired and alone.
Because you left me.
And all you taught me was that life breaks, and burns, and ends.
Ends.
Ends.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Day 16
I woke up about six times to my alarm, to text messages, to the cold, to Saber barking, to the pounding headache and swollen eyes and throbbing throat. Saturday morning, and I was sick. More than sick, I was weak. Weak, trembling, throbbing. I felt like I had the strept that Landy had come down with. I kept going back to sleep... waking up, and going back to sleep.... trying to drown the symptoms with sleep. But the sleep wasn't restful and I'd wake up even more exhausted, headache even worse, feeling even weaker. I could barely lift my phone. My blanket was crushing my chest. My hair was wet and sweet with sweat, the back collar of my Levi's tee soaked as well. I rolled over and my stomach heaved with cramps. My legs were cramping up too, and I tried to flex my muscles but it left me breathless and trembling like a newborn fawn. Holy cow.
Around five pm I finally drug myself out of bed, only because Kayla would be home soon to Facetime Dre and I wanted her to have the space and quiet and privacy. I had huge, black rings around my eyes. Despite the consant suntanning, and I looked like someone had punched me. My hair was flat and sickly, too. My clothes hung off my body, a mix of bones and stubborn fat pockets. I stared at myself in the mirror and never felt more disallusioned. Of course you left me.
I touched my cheeks. Sun spot, born from the tanning. They reminded me of your freckles.... your sweet, angelic, boyish freckles. Mine were not so sweet and wonderful. They looked like even more blemishes on a face that would never be perfect, never be pretty enough.
I was so cold that I could barely dress. The jean skirt burned against my skin as I pulled it on, and the straps of my cami cut into my collarbone. The loose tunic was the only thing that felt gentle on my body, but provided no warmth. I cursed myself for the gazillionth time for not packing warmer clothes for break. Where was the warmth?! It had disappeared whever your love had gone...... into oblivion. I wrapped the shimmery gold scarf my mom had gotten me from Hungary around my torso and felt a little warmer, then struggled into the grey Bershka coat. My favorite coat, my "me" coat from that long winter alone in Kharkov. I was so un color coordinated it was ridiculous, but i didn't have anything warm that matched.
I pulled my hair into a loose bun and locked the door on my way out, not even sure where my makeup bag was, definitely not caring. My heart was so numb. Who would see me? Who would care?
I didn't know where to go.
I tried two car washes so I could send dad nice pictures of the car, but they were both closed. What in the world? It was saturday for crying out loud. I didn't want to drive far, I had such a limited supply of funds for gas. It was so cold, I didn't want to pull over and sit in the cold car.... I didn't want to go anywhere to eat.... I finally drove to chinese and then got a milkshake at chic fil A. I was supposed to be saving money but hey... who cares? I hadn't blown money on food in so long.
My milk shake spilled all over the inside of the car. I didn't have any napkins. I stared at the sticky, ooey avalanche and tried to suppress the trembling rage. Why did I even blow the money?!
I drove to Panera Bread because I had nowhere else to go.
I drove Hannah crazy in the drive through. She couldn't explaid the difference between the Thai and the Asian. I finally pulled up to the minute and everyone came to see who it was when she began throwing straws at me in livid relief. Seeing them all pile in the window, laughing and smiling to see me, I felt a huge sadness, a huge peace, a mess. Mary, Kendon, Gabby, Hannah, Daniella, Halle.... all these amazing people. There is where I belonged.
I pulled in, and walked into the warm and wonderful work of Brixton Square. Why hadn't I come directly here? The fire place was crackling. I grabbed a table and got myself a free soda, a free coffee, and then a free cinnamin roll. Everyone wanted to talk to me. I was coughing and my voice was raspy. Gabby had a big hug for me. Halle had just broken it off with her SWBC boyfriend. May wanted to talk about the GoldenDale puppy she found in the paper. Kendon just smiled and waved.
Mary said Dutch hadn't showed up. Again. Poor kid, I had liked him. We sat down and had a nice manager talk. I loved the feeling of being one of the parents here. I felt so old. It was odd.
I told her about you calling my dad, and I barely got out three words and she went crazy.
That means he still cares! Why else would he care about what your dad thinks? He knows that if he is ever going to have a chance with you again, he has to keep that door open!
I just looked at her, aching. Don't you understand? He just wants to feel like a perfect Christian. He doesn't want me anymore.
We talked about God's timing, God's goodness, and the upcoming easter holiday. The store was slow and I was so happy to be here, if happy was a possible feeling. Daniella kept my coffee full. I got out the newspapers, and my Bible, and opened my computer so I could see your sweet face and the last note you left me, and I had my new kind of Saturday, without you in it.
When I opened my Bible and flipped through it, I ended up at 2 Sam 13:15-19. It felt so much like us that I blinked back tears of hurt, of anger, of deadness. "Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying."
Be gone..... the evil in sending me away is greater.... she went on crying... he hated her greater than he loved her.
I kept turning the pages. This might be the story right now, but I wish it wouldn't be the story forever. Somehow, in the middle of my apathy, I still long to have a different story. Even though i may never be able to forgive you anymore....
I ended up in I Cor 7: 10-11, 14, 17, 20, 23-24
"And unto the married I command, ye not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.... [you're never supposed to walk away] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.... [because God can do bigger things when we are together] But as God hath distribututed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches... let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called... [walk in the same calling wherein we are called. there is no changing of God's will, just changing of our deceitful hearts... just Satan, not God] For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is the Lord's servant. you are bought with a price: be not yet the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. [abide, walk, in that calling. it's an active choice. it's a command.]"
Does it even matter? You left me. I'm alone tonight.
Like I told Kayla, the hardest moments are when I realized the reality that you aren't off by yourself. You're actively living in a life that purposely excludes me. You are choosing to be happy without me, and you are. You have a new life. New friends. You are probably hanging out with them tonight, you aren't just sitting in your dorm all alone. Probably listening to music, kicking it back, rolling around in Santanna, laughing it up, living it up, talking girlfriends, talking summer plans, your new clothes and hairstyles, your new heroes, how spiritual you all are, your sermons, who you're going to hang out with on Sunday who is going to ride with who, who is going where to eat, where everyone is going for easter sunday.
And I?
I sit here alone at Panera Bread. working on this stupid journal that no one, no one, never ever ever will ever read.
trying to pray.
trying to breathe without hurting.
trying to keep warm.
trying to do some homework.
trying to help out my store and do the Z-Rack.
trying to spend the last few minutes of spring break with any purpose at all.
But there is no purpose. Whether I sit here, go home, or just disappear into the black city night outside, there is no purpose.
Not for me.
Around five pm I finally drug myself out of bed, only because Kayla would be home soon to Facetime Dre and I wanted her to have the space and quiet and privacy. I had huge, black rings around my eyes. Despite the consant suntanning, and I looked like someone had punched me. My hair was flat and sickly, too. My clothes hung off my body, a mix of bones and stubborn fat pockets. I stared at myself in the mirror and never felt more disallusioned. Of course you left me.
I touched my cheeks. Sun spot, born from the tanning. They reminded me of your freckles.... your sweet, angelic, boyish freckles. Mine were not so sweet and wonderful. They looked like even more blemishes on a face that would never be perfect, never be pretty enough.
I was so cold that I could barely dress. The jean skirt burned against my skin as I pulled it on, and the straps of my cami cut into my collarbone. The loose tunic was the only thing that felt gentle on my body, but provided no warmth. I cursed myself for the gazillionth time for not packing warmer clothes for break. Where was the warmth?! It had disappeared whever your love had gone...... into oblivion. I wrapped the shimmery gold scarf my mom had gotten me from Hungary around my torso and felt a little warmer, then struggled into the grey Bershka coat. My favorite coat, my "me" coat from that long winter alone in Kharkov. I was so un color coordinated it was ridiculous, but i didn't have anything warm that matched.
I pulled my hair into a loose bun and locked the door on my way out, not even sure where my makeup bag was, definitely not caring. My heart was so numb. Who would see me? Who would care?
I didn't know where to go.
I tried two car washes so I could send dad nice pictures of the car, but they were both closed. What in the world? It was saturday for crying out loud. I didn't want to drive far, I had such a limited supply of funds for gas. It was so cold, I didn't want to pull over and sit in the cold car.... I didn't want to go anywhere to eat.... I finally drove to chinese and then got a milkshake at chic fil A. I was supposed to be saving money but hey... who cares? I hadn't blown money on food in so long.
My milk shake spilled all over the inside of the car. I didn't have any napkins. I stared at the sticky, ooey avalanche and tried to suppress the trembling rage. Why did I even blow the money?!
I drove to Panera Bread because I had nowhere else to go.
I drove Hannah crazy in the drive through. She couldn't explaid the difference between the Thai and the Asian. I finally pulled up to the minute and everyone came to see who it was when she began throwing straws at me in livid relief. Seeing them all pile in the window, laughing and smiling to see me, I felt a huge sadness, a huge peace, a mess. Mary, Kendon, Gabby, Hannah, Daniella, Halle.... all these amazing people. There is where I belonged.
I pulled in, and walked into the warm and wonderful work of Brixton Square. Why hadn't I come directly here? The fire place was crackling. I grabbed a table and got myself a free soda, a free coffee, and then a free cinnamin roll. Everyone wanted to talk to me. I was coughing and my voice was raspy. Gabby had a big hug for me. Halle had just broken it off with her SWBC boyfriend. May wanted to talk about the GoldenDale puppy she found in the paper. Kendon just smiled and waved.
Mary said Dutch hadn't showed up. Again. Poor kid, I had liked him. We sat down and had a nice manager talk. I loved the feeling of being one of the parents here. I felt so old. It was odd.
I told her about you calling my dad, and I barely got out three words and she went crazy.
That means he still cares! Why else would he care about what your dad thinks? He knows that if he is ever going to have a chance with you again, he has to keep that door open!
I just looked at her, aching. Don't you understand? He just wants to feel like a perfect Christian. He doesn't want me anymore.
We talked about God's timing, God's goodness, and the upcoming easter holiday. The store was slow and I was so happy to be here, if happy was a possible feeling. Daniella kept my coffee full. I got out the newspapers, and my Bible, and opened my computer so I could see your sweet face and the last note you left me, and I had my new kind of Saturday, without you in it.
When I opened my Bible and flipped through it, I ended up at 2 Sam 13:15-19. It felt so much like us that I blinked back tears of hurt, of anger, of deadness. "Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying."
Be gone..... the evil in sending me away is greater.... she went on crying... he hated her greater than he loved her.
I kept turning the pages. This might be the story right now, but I wish it wouldn't be the story forever. Somehow, in the middle of my apathy, I still long to have a different story. Even though i may never be able to forgive you anymore....
I ended up in I Cor 7: 10-11, 14, 17, 20, 23-24
"And unto the married I command, ye not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.... [you're never supposed to walk away] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.... [because God can do bigger things when we are together] But as God hath distribututed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches... let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called... [walk in the same calling wherein we are called. there is no changing of God's will, just changing of our deceitful hearts... just Satan, not God] For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is the Lord's servant. you are bought with a price: be not yet the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. [abide, walk, in that calling. it's an active choice. it's a command.]"
Does it even matter? You left me. I'm alone tonight.
Like I told Kayla, the hardest moments are when I realized the reality that you aren't off by yourself. You're actively living in a life that purposely excludes me. You are choosing to be happy without me, and you are. You have a new life. New friends. You are probably hanging out with them tonight, you aren't just sitting in your dorm all alone. Probably listening to music, kicking it back, rolling around in Santanna, laughing it up, living it up, talking girlfriends, talking summer plans, your new clothes and hairstyles, your new heroes, how spiritual you all are, your sermons, who you're going to hang out with on Sunday who is going to ride with who, who is going where to eat, where everyone is going for easter sunday.
And I?
I sit here alone at Panera Bread. working on this stupid journal that no one, no one, never ever ever will ever read.
trying to pray.
trying to breathe without hurting.
trying to keep warm.
trying to do some homework.
trying to help out my store and do the Z-Rack.
trying to spend the last few minutes of spring break with any purpose at all.
But there is no purpose. Whether I sit here, go home, or just disappear into the black city night outside, there is no purpose.
Not for me.
Day 15
After a fifteen hour shift, my body reacts in strange ways. I awoke so stiff and sore I thought my bones might snap. Kayla was gone to work - it was warm and loud with the fan blowing from the vent directly overhead - and I buried my face under the pillows.
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.
The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please?
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.
gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.
The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please?
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.
gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs
Friday, March 22, 2013
Day 14
1am.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Day Thirteen
I slept till noon. When I woke up, Kayla was coming in from work where they had let her go early. She teased me about sleeping so long, but then she remembered how late I had been up. She asked me what had happened and I told her only about seeing you and about how energetic and confident you had seemed. She was troubled and gave me a hug.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)