After a fifteen hour shift, my body reacts in strange ways. I awoke so stiff and sore I thought my bones might snap. Kayla was gone to work - it was warm and loud with the fan blowing from the vent directly overhead - and I buried my face under the pillows.
My phone went off.
Dad.
I squinted at the message. The words registered, and my heart thudded to a stop.
9:45am, Friday, March 22
Received this note this morning from Levi; Not sure if this is still a legitament way of getting ahold of you. But I need to get ahold of you sometime soon. I wrote back saying good I was wanting to get a hold of him too.
The typos were obviously yours, although you had managed to improve enough to remember to spell out the words "you" and capitalize "I." Tears blurred my eyes.
Levi, texted? Levi, calling?
I rolled out of bed to my knees and began to sob, cold and shaky and weak and overwhelmed. God, please? Is this the day it will all change? Please? Please?
I went on major alert and texted every one I trusted. Irina, Corrie, Joy, Angie, Aaron, and more. Please pray for me today, I have a huge unspoken. I didn't say what about. God knew. And God already knew the outcome. But I felt like Esther, when she gathered her maidens and requested that they fast and pray with her. I was very greatful for these faithful friends who would pray with me in these times.
I decided to clean Kayla's apartment. I bagged all the trash, and vaccuumed, and organized. I willl be an aamzing wife to you someday - I can't stand the clutter, the dust, the mess. From your car and Jason's apartment I have my misgivings about you living with me, but I guess it'll just help keep me busy. I love the freshness and cleanliness and order. I knew Kayla would notice as soon as she got off, and that made me happy. I owed her.
I was on my way to the gym before work when dad called.
The thing that I don't necessarily like about my conversations with him is that I never know if I'm being told the whole story or not. Like so many, he makes choices to withhold information as "irrelevant" that may be very relevant to me. I just had to trust God that he was shining sufficient light on my path so my feet would not stumble later on over information I don't know.
It was a good talk, were his words. Good, but very short.
He said you apologized for contacting me against my Dad's request. You said you knew it was wrong, it was a mistake. My dad said you said it would never happen again, a thought that pierced my heart with sadness but also with respect, in a way. Maybe you were getting what you wanted - an open door out - but at least my dad was being obeyed... even if it was easily because it was what you wanted, anyways. I felt so frustrated; it was so unfair to me.
He said that he passed along what I wanted him to, but I'm not sure how much of my actual message was transmitted. Did he tell you I still loved you? And that you were hurting me so much I can't breathe anymore? Probably not. But I guess he told you I'm not involved in any kind of gossip about you, to which you whined about people loving drama. Well, if you were acting uprightly there would be no room for them to talk about you. You reap what you sew, even if you don't like it.
And I guess you got your two seconds of sweet vengeance by ratting me out to my dad. I knew you were not an idiot, and i knew that parking so close was a mistake, and i knew that I fell asleep. But I felt so sad that you saw me and just drove away. Drove by, drove away.... so blissful, so cool, so distant and smug. It hurt so badly.
"Not the safest place for her to be."
My dad's words, or yours?
I can't decide. If they are yours, then the wound to my heart is at least damped with the thought that somehow, you still care. If my dad's... well, i know he cares about my safety. Everybody cares about that. No one cares about my heart.
My dad didn't discuss it with me, yell at me, question me. Just told me to be safe. I said okay. Even though he didn't require a promise of me, he didn't need to. As I sat in the car with the phone to my ear, the last little part of me died. I knew in that moment that you didn't want me and, regardless that you had called to apologize to my dad, that was the end for me. I would never chase you again. Not for you.... and no longer for me. I was going to let my heart die.
When I hung up the phone, I cried. I cried so hard. Because you were so awful. So happy in your stupid life without me. Hanging out, working, eating out, worshipping it up, chatting it up at lunch, planning, dreaming, sleeping, everything.... without me. And Mr. Cool Joe aka the new Levi, was just fine. There was not the tiniest part that still cared about me. You cared about me now like you cared about Nikki. That horrible, nice little Chrisitan "hope you're doing good staying safe have a good life that i don't care one iota about" way. That fake little care that made you feel like you were a worthwhile Christian.
And I knew in that moment that I was done.
I went to the gym, and tanned in the bed lying down. I worked out on the machines and felt the burn, felt the tear, felt the sweat and discomfort.
I went to work, and Kelsey was working with me. Kelsey...sweet, funny, gentle Kelsey. It was like a balm to my soul. For once in so long, I didn't have to be the strong one, the peppy one, the leader. I was able to just be quiet and sad and let him take over.
"Noelle!" he was so excited. Someone was excited to work with me? Someone was excited, to see me? It felt so strange.
"I'm leaving early, around 8," I told him. It was the new policy to help cut hours with drive.
"Well, I'm glad for every minute with you! You're the one reason I come to work anymore."
"What, not Kendon your best bud?" I teased back.
But he was serious. "Well he's my friend and all but he can get on my nerves. You're my favorite person here. I sure love working with you."
It made tears well up. It reminded me of Tim at Western.
You're the reason I come to work anymore. You're my favorite person.
I could hardly believe it.
Angie came to spend his break and I went out to the dining room to get a hug. Her hugs are so cuddly and warm. The three of us hung out and chatted it up and I felt a small measure of contentment. I wish you were part of this friendship. I may not have Heartland couple friends... but I have Kelsey and Angie, and they both like me. What a miracle.
I asked Angie to come to church with me, and she said yes! Are you proud? We are going to hang out all day Sunday. WHich sounds so nice to me.... she said her cat TomTom was excited to have another person come over. I love Angie very much.
Work got stressful... and I lost it. I snapped at my customers, I spilled drinks, I stared out the window at the big white pear tree full of its amazing blossoms and just cried. Right there in th emiddle of work. Kelsey left me alone. I stared at the wintry clouded sky and the big pear tree and wept. We should be having spring photos together, and instead I have nothing.
Nothing but you calling my dad to reinforce your stupid hypocritical American Christianity.
When I got done with my stuff, I clocked out and walked out on everyone else. I just walked out and drove away.
Where to go? I couldn't come see you tonight, and now I didn't even want to. I hoped that you looked around for me after work and noticed I wasn't there. I hoped you looked and looked and looked like a fool.
I drove to the apartments and sobbed to death in the car until long after midnight. I wanted to go get drunk so badly. Drunk, drunk. The numbing drunk. Where the burn in the stomach oversmarts the burn in the heart, where the buzz in head and throat screamed out the memories and greif. I wanted to go huddle on the steps of a church downtown and feel the cold, cruel stones of religion's emptiness and sleep in the dark all alone in the strangest part of the city.
Because I felt so alone.
Finally I was shaking with cold and my headache was rippling. I went inside, and Kayla was up texting Dre on her phone. It was very sweet... and I hurt even worse.
But she wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I kept my mouth shut and listened. It was her apartment and i was the guest.
Kayla was so sweet and excited about the wedding. She told me all about the time when she left him, a year ago. About how for the first time he wrote her saying, "I can finally say that i completely forgive you for that." He had taken her back and loved her, but the scar had taken that long to heal. She said that she thought of me all the time. She played me some of her favorite songs, which made me only sadder. But that's okay. We talked and talked... and it was almost 3 am before she got tired of talking and went to sleep.
I looked at the street lights pooling in the room, amber and strange, and I knew that spring break was almost over. I was so sick of crying, but two tears rolled down my eyes onto my pillow. Saber nuzzled close to me, and I gently stroked his soft fur. I didn't have you to hold. I needed a puppy, right away.
gym
dad calls
work
kelsey, angie,
crying looking out window
talk with kayla , listen to songs
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Day 14
1am.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.
Screams woke me. Kayla and Saber woke up, too.
It was my phone.
Not you, but Landy. She was in teh ER. Her sister asked me to cover her shift.
That would mean a double at work.
I needed to get homework done for the rest of the semester... but I also needed the money, desperately. I'd never needed money so badly. I agreed and went back to sleep a groggy, aching blur. I would have to be up in just a few merciless hours.
Early morning chill.
Rough, reeking work clothes.
Socks still soggy from work last night.
Car keys, cold engine protesting, rattles and bumps as I put it in gear. Pointless music on the radio. Red lights, red lights, red lights. Beautiful white blossoms on the trees... like sentinel ghosts.
Fourteen hours of a shift later... I clocked out exhausted. My feet throbbed. All I could feel was panic, panic. As the dark grew on, my confusion and panic grew bigger and bigger. Why weren't you there? Why? WHy? Why? WHy? WHy? Why???
There was no answer, and the nonsense was going to drive me crazy.
I feel that I already losing my mind a little bit. If I go crazy from what you are doing to me, what will it matter?
I filled up gas, and then tanned in the gym. I wanted to go home... but I had to go see you. Only tonight and tomorrow... and that chance would forver be gone. In just a few weeks, you would gone forever. Washington, Oregon, who knows? Gone forever.... forever.... I would lose you in the most tangible way possible. Physical distance and anynonymity. I would literally have no access to you and no way to even know where you were. The thought terrifeis me so much I can't breathe. How can I bear it??? I can only beg God to bring you back before then. Beg, beg, beg like I've never begged for anything.
I called my dad.
My phone fell to the ground after the gym and smashed out the back side. At least it wasn't the front screen... but I felt so empty as I looked at the little shards of crystal glass. This was my life.. shattered...
I cried as we talked. He was very upset that you deliberately contacted me against his request. I felt so bad because I had contacted you first, right after they left. I wish my dad had told me about it before he left because now I looked like an idiot. =( I always mess everything up. I keep trying to do it right and keep messing it all up.....
My dad apparently has some serious misgivings about your pastor, which is why he would rather contact the deans about your behavior than Brown. That made me very sad. I had once dreamed that Brown and my dad would have such a great relationship... you would come to Ukraine.. we could drift back and forth between Kharkov and Yakima forever... so many dreams stillborn.
Why isn't God answering my prayers? I whispered to Dad.
He proceeded to give me a long lecture on things I already knew, but I needed them. God answers yes, no, and not now. God wants a relationship with you even more than I do... and I need to trust that He will work whatever it takes to bring that to pass.
I'm so humiliated when I walk onto campus or into church.
He said that humiliation stems from caring about what people think, rather than what God thinks. I used to never care about people's opinions, something that really made me unique, but you kept hammering it into me, Levi, that now I'm slightly obsessed with them. Maybe I need this to help set me above all that again. What does God think about Levi leaving you? What does God think about you today when you woke up? That's all that matters. Haters gonna hate. They never were your friends and never will be. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what you are going through.
I needed that so much.
Dad gave me Micah 6:8. "He hath showed thee, o man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
He said he would text you tomorrow before work and if he didn't hear from you, he would be contacting the deans.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all God requires for our faith.
I stayed late at Panera writing these blogs and I resent my manuscript to Dorrance Publishing. Fingers crossed.
I drove to Walmart and dreaded the upcoming cold. K-Love was on and it was a talk show. The lady was talking abotu unanswered prayer, reiterating the testimony of some lousy mom who wanted kids and could never have them and how God gave her greater joy with adoption, etc. But as soon as I heard the topic, "Dealing with God Answering No," I literally had a meltdown. I began sobbing and shreiking in fear and panic, tears bubbling on my cellphone on my lap. No, God, NO! PLEASE!! I shut off the radio and shook my head. It was just coincidence.
This time, there was a spot open the aisle behind your car, directly facing you. I took it, anticipating it would be a much faster route to chase you instead of having to face the opposite direction and turn all the way around. But I think it was a mistake; I think it was too close to your car.
Walmart was much quieter. I buries myself under the old sweaters and towel I had in the back seat, and set my alarm for 11:30. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I reset my alarm for midnight. Usually I began my vigil now, watching the front doors, but they were behind me and I couldn't see them through all the cars. This was awkward.... I wouldn't see you until you were right in front of my car! I twisted my neck and watched out the back a while, but, I knew I was kidding myself.
I hunkered down in the cold and hummed softly to myself. I was so so sleepy....
I woke up with a start.
Dang! I'd fallen asleep again!
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and to my shock, you were right in front of me hopping in your car.
I had only the briefest moment to see you - short sleeves - bustling - out early - still so handsome - and you were in your car. I started to push aside the clothes and dig myself out of the pile but you yanked your car in reverse (odd because you had no one infront of you) backed up a little, then put it in drive and shot away. You were at the corner of HobbyLobby in about 5 seconds and gone.
I was so exhausted. I just sat there, limp and tired and.... drained. What did it matter to chase you? I checked the time. 11:48 You were off so early. I'm sure you were in a hurry to go home and get extra homework done... tomorrow as preaching? I thought about it, then gave up. Despair was already crushing my chest and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion. It was so much easier just to lie here and not move, not try anymore.....
I almost fell asleep again, but the reality that I was that tired scared me. I quickly drove away and headed to the school. Maybe Santanna would be parked up front and I could say goodnight. I knew I wouldn't see you. You were long gone.
I pulled into my lot and waited. There was no sign of Santanna but there were a LOT of guys milling around. That annoyed me. I always pictured you all alone creeping in the dark like a little crab coming home late at night. I didn't expect you to be joined by half your dorm, up about and just chilling around. Totally different atmosphere. I wish so much my eyesight was better. I couldn't figure out the cars parked beside the building. It was midnight straight up, and I decided to give it a few more minutes.
Then, suddenly, you were driving by me!
What the heck?! I'd looked at OnCue as I drove by just to see if you had made a pitstop, but I had definitely not seen Santanna. You had pulled out the wrong way for maDonalds... I was pretty sure Sonic was closed. But there you were, in no hurry at all, cruising by. Shock and confusion flooded into my stomach, which twisted. You looked directly at me as you drove past, and I cringed in fear. Levi, don't hate me.
I didn't know if you could see it was me, or if you thought I was a cop, or what, but I know you looked right at me as I sat there so stupidly right on the edge of the road under teh lights. I felt so exposed, and so foolish. Oh, Levi, but I just miss you so much!
You cruised slowly onto campus. I wondered why you were going along so slowly the way you ripped out of work. And where had you disappeared to?? It was all so mysterious and puzzling. I felt uneasy. I hoped that I wasn't the only one doing the following. I knew you weren't an idiot.
You never showed up. I waited until 12:15 and then sobbed in anger and despair. You had to know it was me. You were hiding. You must have parked your car by the guards and walked to your dorm where I couldn't see you. It was so unfair! Why did you hate me so much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well played, Levi.
I drove home slowly, and this time felt nothing as I pulled away. Sleep tight, Levi. Tuck tuck....
The tears fell softly but there was no feeling behind them. I blazed the heater and my eyes ached with the intensity of it. They were so heavy I wanted to just pull over and go to sleep anywhere. I cranked on the music to keep me awake but itwas just another commercials and talk shows. The voices irritated me. I shut it off and sped, the first time in all these nights. I had 122 blocks to be exposed for cops, but I was so tired.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
I got home and laid down, my body rippling with aches from the gym. It hurt so badly. My heart hurt. I missed you so much, and I felt like sand slipping through my fingers. I was a losing game, and it was pathetic.
I laid down and held my phone, sure that you would text me a malicious, cool message now that you had to know that I was following you around like a deluded stray puppy. But you never did. Maybe you hadn't seen me... maybe you were too mad... maybe you didn't care... maybe you were mad I never answered your last text... maybe... maybe....
I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees.
God, help.
I don't want to be consumed by Levi. I know Satan wants to destroy me with all this. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.... and that happened before and I always reget it. Please, wrap your spirit around my heart and my mind. Help me to give you my trust and my hope. Please, I know you want him even more than I do. Help me to let go and trust you. Help me, please.
It was almost two am before I realized I'd fallen asleep on the floor and crawled back into bed. It was freezing cold and I fell asleep shivering, all alone in an other strange black spring night.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Day Thirteen
I slept till noon. When I woke up, Kayla was coming in from work where they had let her go early. She teased me about sleeping so long, but then she remembered how late I had been up. She asked me what had happened and I told her only about seeing you and about how energetic and confident you had seemed. She was troubled and gave me a hug.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
Day Twelve
I fell asleep before I could get up and go see you, because my body was so thoroughly exhausted and still weak from the weekend. When I woke up, Kayla was leaving to go to work. It was 4:30 but I didn't have to leave until 6:30, so I rolled right over and buried myself under the blankets. Saber was a warm, heavy limp pressure against my legs and that's the last thing I remember.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy?
I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy?
I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Day Eleven
Monday, 4:30 am. My alarm went off and me and Kayla rolled out of bed. She had turned the heat on in the apartment- it was warm - I felt like a new person after the weekend.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.
My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace
Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.
My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace
Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.
Day 10
My first day of spring break.
I had slept poorly. The apartment was so cold when I awoke, strange and shivering. I checked my phone. It was around 6am and Kayla was long gone to work. I burried my head back under the pillow. Every part of me ached, and throbbed. My head, my throat, my eyes, my back. I stretched and then recoiled quicked because of the cold air. This was horrible. I couldn't take this. I just wanted to go out to my car and drive away to somewhere warm, like New Orleans, and get a warm hotel and crank the heater up to 94 and sleep for a week.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen back asleep, but I remember waking up to a text message. Not from you, of course, but from Kayla asking me to take the dog out as soon as I got up. The dog was no longer sleeping with me, and I could hear it in the other room. She had probably locked it in its cage.
Go to church? Or no?
Honestly, I felt exhausted. I felt... weak. Weak is a good work. Weak, and cold.
Even Mary's church wasn't an option. I needed rest, I needed healing physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.
I slept, and then I got up and took the dog out. Got dressed in something totally non HA (this was my first day of break, you know) and drove to work to check the schedule. I went to the gym because it was right next door, but only tanned. The warmth of the radiation pulsing into my skin helped give me a little energy, but left me more parched than ever.
Spiritually parched, too.
I drove and drove. Gas was so expensive, but I didn't care.
Remember that night at the park on Grand Boulevard? The day I chased you down, 21 days into the silence? I wept in your arms because I had stumbled and done something incredibly stupid. Well, I couldn't just shrug it off anymore. If God was to fix you, bring you back, then I needed him desperately to clean out my heart, too. I just needed to get right with him. All the bitterness, the brokenness, of years and dreams and so much hurt and loss.... I had done this before, but it was time again. And God listened to my broken sobs and held me close and let me be real and honest with him... and he loved me. Despite my faults, despite my shortcomings.
And I got things right with him.
I drove back home late that night, more weary than ever, but refreshed in my spirit.
It was time to start letting God renew my spirit, renew a right spirit in me, so that my dad and you could be proud of me.
Kayla was excited to see me but we were both tired and just went straight to sleep.
Tomorrow, she said, let's do something.
Dear Levi, how I still love you. I don't want to spend this break so far away from you, and without you.
I had slept poorly. The apartment was so cold when I awoke, strange and shivering. I checked my phone. It was around 6am and Kayla was long gone to work. I burried my head back under the pillow. Every part of me ached, and throbbed. My head, my throat, my eyes, my back. I stretched and then recoiled quicked because of the cold air. This was horrible. I couldn't take this. I just wanted to go out to my car and drive away to somewhere warm, like New Orleans, and get a warm hotel and crank the heater up to 94 and sleep for a week.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen back asleep, but I remember waking up to a text message. Not from you, of course, but from Kayla asking me to take the dog out as soon as I got up. The dog was no longer sleeping with me, and I could hear it in the other room. She had probably locked it in its cage.
Go to church? Or no?
Honestly, I felt exhausted. I felt... weak. Weak is a good work. Weak, and cold.
Even Mary's church wasn't an option. I needed rest, I needed healing physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.
I slept, and then I got up and took the dog out. Got dressed in something totally non HA (this was my first day of break, you know) and drove to work to check the schedule. I went to the gym because it was right next door, but only tanned. The warmth of the radiation pulsing into my skin helped give me a little energy, but left me more parched than ever.
Spiritually parched, too.
I drove and drove. Gas was so expensive, but I didn't care.
Remember that night at the park on Grand Boulevard? The day I chased you down, 21 days into the silence? I wept in your arms because I had stumbled and done something incredibly stupid. Well, I couldn't just shrug it off anymore. If God was to fix you, bring you back, then I needed him desperately to clean out my heart, too. I just needed to get right with him. All the bitterness, the brokenness, of years and dreams and so much hurt and loss.... I had done this before, but it was time again. And God listened to my broken sobs and held me close and let me be real and honest with him... and he loved me. Despite my faults, despite my shortcomings.
And I got things right with him.
I drove back home late that night, more weary than ever, but refreshed in my spirit.
It was time to start letting God renew my spirit, renew a right spirit in me, so that my dad and you could be proud of me.
Kayla was excited to see me but we were both tired and just went straight to sleep.
Tomorrow, she said, let's do something.
Dear Levi, how I still love you. I don't want to spend this break so far away from you, and without you.
Day Eight Part II
I posted these out of order.
After Panera on Friday night, I drove to see Santanna. For a long time, I just sat there in the dark, looking at her. She always looks so happy. So little, and sweet, and just.... everything good I remember about us. I sat in the darkness, and let the tears roll down. I thought I had been through with all the crying, but something about seeing her - up close and real - made my heart constrict and my eyes smart with tears. Levi, I miss you so much. Why don't you love me any more?
I didn't plan on getting out. I was just going to sit there and listen to the radio and just.... feel the closeness. But then I saw a white paper tucked under the windshield, fluttering limply in the night breeze. A note? For you? From whom? The curiosity burned. It was probably just a random flyer, but..... what if it was from her? What if it said Hey cutie look for me at work.....? Or....? Oh, the thoughts were viscous. I didn't go crazy. I sat there and brooded. Did it even matter? Based on our conversation at The West, you were now very territorial about your stuff even your trash, and you might get angry. I could picture you.... that is, the new you, the cold sinister angry one.... appearing in the darkness and yelling me at me while I bawl and bawl. I just want to know what's going on in your life, babe.
Well, finally curiosity got the better of me. I got out the car, and marched over. Cautiously, as I approached it. I wasn't sure of your schedule and I didn't want to chance running into you. As amazing as it would be.... the deliciousness my heart craved would be overshrouded by the hurt and bitterness of the rejection and anger and... coldness.
It was just a flyer. My heart hadn't been pounding, but I felt a deeper sense of calmness when I saw the stupid advertisement. Praise God. While I was so close, I peeked in. To my shock....
It was clean.
Bare.
Empty.
It even looked vaccuumed out, no trace of crumbs.
No trace of rumpled receipts.
No crumpled food bags.
No rotting crumbs.
Leaky drinks.
I didn't understand it. Why had you cleaned it? When? When did you get the time????? The last time it was clean.... we did it together, for Thanksgiving break, I think. It was always something that we did together. :'(((( Remember? Remember the water? The soap? The dollar store supplies? The music? The heat and thirst? The hot, sexy sweaty kisses? Sonic and the movies? Me rear-ending the old man's car? All the memories.....
I remember cleaning out Santanna for the first time, with Steven, back on campus. Steven threw a fit when I had him go sneak your car out of the guys dorm lot and bring it around behind the gym. "I'm wearing a Turkish suit!!!" But he was such a great sport and helped me dump the trash and wipe out the scum and brush the crumbs off the seats. You were sooooo surprised... and touched...
Who did you clean your car out for this time?
You lived with it a mess all the time. It didn't seem to faze you, so I had trouble believing that you would do it for yourself just because you got tired of the junk. But yet.... the puzzle had me going crazy. Clean, clean. If you got tired, you would have just emptied out the trash. But dang this car was vacuumed, wiped down, immaculate. I contemplated it.
Were the notes still there?
Panic gripped me like a vise. Had you been erasing every last trace of me?
It was hard to see through the glass, but I could see white notecards still on the visor. Relief flooded my being. Oh, praise God. You had done a thorough job, and yet left the notecards.
It gave me hope.
Pitiful, unhealthy hope... but hope.
I clung to it like a kitten drowning in a riptide stream.
He hasn't gotten rid of my gifts yet, my memory.
While I was looking at the driver's visor, I noticed the passengers.
..............it was down.
Down, as in currently. Someone had ridden with you and it was during the daytime when the sun was out, and they had pulled the visor down.
Who?
Was this the person that you had cleaned the car up for???
So many questions.
I finally broke down and...... don't hate me, babe. I got out the extra pair of keys. The ones that you always knew I had. In reality, they weren't mine. They were Kendon's, just in case. But I had asked for them back. SO when I said that you had my keys... I meant it.... but deep inside I knew it was still dishonest. But I couldn't let them go, I couldn't. It felt like giving up the last little grip of control I had. I just couldn't bear to be locked out of your life literally.
I sat inside and sniffered for perfume. Nothing. Just clean, cool scent of a clean car.
The keychain that I got your last Valentine's Day was still in the middle section, scratched and dirty as heck. Like all the other memories of me... tainted with your anger and hate.
In the back, I saw the book the Five Love Languages.
That really stopped me.
I figured it being in the back seat of your car meant you surely weren't reading it. But you hadn't ditched it. I found that interesting..... it made me hurt so bad, touching it, seeing that you had indeed ripped out my note and discarded it, along with the lyrics from Maroon 5. Maybe you kept the book to help you with your new girlfriend? I don't know. All I know is that it hurt and was confusing.
There was a laptop case behind your seat.
Your computer?
Someone else's?
Were you fixing it for someone?
I thought of my computer.... how we met... all those wonderful memories. My heart was cold, and my body was cold, and I was stressed out and shaking. There was only one receipt to look at, but I dared not take it.
Little Caesars on Rockwell, Monday the 11th at 21:44. A change from Taco Bell, I guess.
Leaving Santanna was like dying.
It was like a physical blow.
I left, and I ran back to my car, and turned the music and heat way up. Back in my own comfort zone.... the life you had exiled me to.... but not the life I wanted.
I drove home and cleaned for dorm day, but my heart wasn't in it.
My heart was still with Santanna in the cold, dark parking lot of Walmart, waiting for our Levi to come home to us safe and sound.
After Panera on Friday night, I drove to see Santanna. For a long time, I just sat there in the dark, looking at her. She always looks so happy. So little, and sweet, and just.... everything good I remember about us. I sat in the darkness, and let the tears roll down. I thought I had been through with all the crying, but something about seeing her - up close and real - made my heart constrict and my eyes smart with tears. Levi, I miss you so much. Why don't you love me any more?
I didn't plan on getting out. I was just going to sit there and listen to the radio and just.... feel the closeness. But then I saw a white paper tucked under the windshield, fluttering limply in the night breeze. A note? For you? From whom? The curiosity burned. It was probably just a random flyer, but..... what if it was from her? What if it said Hey cutie look for me at work.....? Or....? Oh, the thoughts were viscous. I didn't go crazy. I sat there and brooded. Did it even matter? Based on our conversation at The West, you were now very territorial about your stuff even your trash, and you might get angry. I could picture you.... that is, the new you, the cold sinister angry one.... appearing in the darkness and yelling me at me while I bawl and bawl. I just want to know what's going on in your life, babe.
Well, finally curiosity got the better of me. I got out the car, and marched over. Cautiously, as I approached it. I wasn't sure of your schedule and I didn't want to chance running into you. As amazing as it would be.... the deliciousness my heart craved would be overshrouded by the hurt and bitterness of the rejection and anger and... coldness.
It was just a flyer. My heart hadn't been pounding, but I felt a deeper sense of calmness when I saw the stupid advertisement. Praise God. While I was so close, I peeked in. To my shock....
It was clean.
Bare.
Empty.
It even looked vaccuumed out, no trace of crumbs.
No trace of rumpled receipts.
No crumpled food bags.
No rotting crumbs.
Leaky drinks.
I didn't understand it. Why had you cleaned it? When? When did you get the time????? The last time it was clean.... we did it together, for Thanksgiving break, I think. It was always something that we did together. :'(((( Remember? Remember the water? The soap? The dollar store supplies? The music? The heat and thirst? The hot, sexy sweaty kisses? Sonic and the movies? Me rear-ending the old man's car? All the memories.....
I remember cleaning out Santanna for the first time, with Steven, back on campus. Steven threw a fit when I had him go sneak your car out of the guys dorm lot and bring it around behind the gym. "I'm wearing a Turkish suit!!!" But he was such a great sport and helped me dump the trash and wipe out the scum and brush the crumbs off the seats. You were sooooo surprised... and touched...
Who did you clean your car out for this time?
You lived with it a mess all the time. It didn't seem to faze you, so I had trouble believing that you would do it for yourself just because you got tired of the junk. But yet.... the puzzle had me going crazy. Clean, clean. If you got tired, you would have just emptied out the trash. But dang this car was vacuumed, wiped down, immaculate. I contemplated it.
Were the notes still there?
Panic gripped me like a vise. Had you been erasing every last trace of me?
It was hard to see through the glass, but I could see white notecards still on the visor. Relief flooded my being. Oh, praise God. You had done a thorough job, and yet left the notecards.
It gave me hope.
Pitiful, unhealthy hope... but hope.
I clung to it like a kitten drowning in a riptide stream.
He hasn't gotten rid of my gifts yet, my memory.
While I was looking at the driver's visor, I noticed the passengers.
..............it was down.
Down, as in currently. Someone had ridden with you and it was during the daytime when the sun was out, and they had pulled the visor down.
Who?
Was this the person that you had cleaned the car up for???
So many questions.
I finally broke down and...... don't hate me, babe. I got out the extra pair of keys. The ones that you always knew I had. In reality, they weren't mine. They were Kendon's, just in case. But I had asked for them back. SO when I said that you had my keys... I meant it.... but deep inside I knew it was still dishonest. But I couldn't let them go, I couldn't. It felt like giving up the last little grip of control I had. I just couldn't bear to be locked out of your life literally.
I sat inside and sniffered for perfume. Nothing. Just clean, cool scent of a clean car.
The keychain that I got your last Valentine's Day was still in the middle section, scratched and dirty as heck. Like all the other memories of me... tainted with your anger and hate.
In the back, I saw the book the Five Love Languages.
That really stopped me.
I figured it being in the back seat of your car meant you surely weren't reading it. But you hadn't ditched it. I found that interesting..... it made me hurt so bad, touching it, seeing that you had indeed ripped out my note and discarded it, along with the lyrics from Maroon 5. Maybe you kept the book to help you with your new girlfriend? I don't know. All I know is that it hurt and was confusing.
There was a laptop case behind your seat.
Your computer?
Someone else's?
Were you fixing it for someone?
I thought of my computer.... how we met... all those wonderful memories. My heart was cold, and my body was cold, and I was stressed out and shaking. There was only one receipt to look at, but I dared not take it.
Little Caesars on Rockwell, Monday the 11th at 21:44. A change from Taco Bell, I guess.
Leaving Santanna was like dying.
It was like a physical blow.
I left, and I ran back to my car, and turned the music and heat way up. Back in my own comfort zone.... the life you had exiled me to.... but not the life I wanted.
I drove home and cleaned for dorm day, but my heart wasn't in it.
My heart was still with Santanna in the cold, dark parking lot of Walmart, waiting for our Levi to come home to us safe and sound.
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