I slept till noon. When I woke up, Kayla was coming in from work where they had let her go early. She teased me about sleeping so long, but then she remembered how late I had been up. She asked me what had happened and I told her only about seeing you and about how energetic and confident you had seemed. She was troubled and gave me a hug.
I tidied up the apartment a bit, then headed off to the gym and to work. I burned badly in the tanning machine, and everyone at work pointed it out. I worked my butt and legs really hard, and they throbbed wtih sharp tightness. Good. I needed the physical pain.
It was a good hard night at work. I was alone on the line until Veronica came at 5. Kendon was on drive through, and that made me happy. I had missed him so much. He gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. He is failing 4 classes, and he is really worried. I tried to be positive, but I was shocked and really worried, too, Kiddo.... what are you doing? I felt sad.
He left early, though, to go take his head RA Trevor out to dinner. I was so proud of him... what an awesome thing to do. I missed him though when he left....
We both got our 6-month evaluations. I made all 5's and got my maximum 2% raise so now I make 9.12$. Praise God. Dawn talked all about shift leader stuff, and I was glad it was at least so heavy on her mind. I was so tired, but all I could think about was the long drive to go see you again. I didn't want to go so far. I dont' like driving in the dark at night by myself... .but I had no choice.
I got in the car and drove along.
This time I parked a little closer, but one aisle away. If you looked straight out your front window, you'd be looking right at me. But I didn't think you would notice the car because it's so basic and black. It was a veyr, very long cold wait for you. I bundled up under a bunch of randowm clothes I'd thrown in the back but they didn't yeild a lot of warmth. I set my alarm for 11:30 and tried to go to sleep, but it was far too bright and the wind howled. I had a long vigil to watch come 11:30.... I had a very poor view of the front doors and I had to watch for over an hour. You came out around 12:38 and again I recognized you at the first glimpse.
This time, I had a longer view for my hungry eyes.
You were wearing long sleeves, and carrying a white box lunch. You kept looking left to right, up at the sky. I could tell you were tired this time. You walked much slower. Watching you look at the sky reminded me of watchign the stars together. Rigel........... the truth that I tried to be each day. Right here, waiting for you.............
You stopped at your door and put your box lunch up on the roof, then got on your phone. Cold chills trickled down my stomach. You were texting, at this hour? To someone other than me. Who was it? The same person from that Sunday? Who had you so glued to your phone all the time now??? Were you texting them as soon as you got off like you used to text me??? The jealousy, the confusion, and the ultimate hurt stabbed through me. I clenched the wheel and whimpered in pain, literal physical pain.
Levi I'm right here!!! Text ME!!!!!!
The rejection hurt worse than ever. I felt so worthless.... i wanted to go run my car off a bridge. You wouldn't even notice.......
You got inside but were still on your phone for a while. I felt a huge, hollow emptiness build in my stomach. Helplessness gave way to despair... cold, empty, numb despair.
Then you started Santanna and drove right by me. Unlike last time, I didn't cower beneath the wheel. If you saw me, you saw me. You didn't even look towards the car as you drove by it.
You went to Reno between Walmart and Hobby Lobby like I thought. I went between Walmart and Office Max, but I made a mistake. I've learned that I underestimate time when I'm surged on adrenaline. I zoomed out onto Reno behind a car and thought it was you. All I could see were tail light.... I zoomed through the light just as it turned red. Bile in my throat, my heart slammed in my head. 60 miles an hour.... I zoomed after those lights. You were going so dang fast....I could barely catch up. At Ann Arbor... the car kept going. First, I feared you realized you were being followed. Then, I thought you might be going somewhere else to eat... then I realized I was following the wrong car. I screamed in frustration and humiliation. My only chance, and I'd blown it by trying to anticipate.... I squealed a left on Meridian and rocketed up to 10th street, then squealed down towards the school.
Yes.....
We passed each other right before you turned into the scool. I laughed aloud in hysterical success.
LEVI!!!!!!!!
I bailed onto the same parking lot and waiting again for an eternity for you to park. This time, it felt even longer. Surely you could not take this long to park!!! But I was wrong. You aprked, and I barely saw any movement before you were gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone..... into the night, adn I was all alone on the outside, surrounded by the hostile city.
So alone.
I sobbed as I turned back onto 10th street, exhausted and wanting to go home.
I sobbed and sobbed as I drove home, once again overcome and losing control to the emotions. I sobbed and sobbed unlike the last time, weak and sick and fearful and pitiful.
Levi, I'm so little.....!!!
Levi, the world is so big....!!!
Levi, I'm so tired...... please.... please.... can I come lie with you?? Please??
Please let me lie down??? I'm so weary... please... can I snuggle close?? I'll be quiet...
I'll be so quiet.... please... .pelase?!?!?!
I'll be quiet... just let me lie down near you.... elt me let down my guard and cry msyelf to sleep nex tot you....
I want to feel your presence.... feel yoru heartbeat, your breath....
I need to feel close, I need to feel safe, I need to rest now.
I'm so tired.
I Cna't carry this burden any longer...
I can't, I can't, I cant'.....
Levi.... I need to come home.
Please.......
122 blocks never semed so long, so desloate, so empty and huge.
I sat in the parking lot of the aparments and continued to cry and sob and puddle into a pitiful wet ball of mush, When I finally dragged myself inside, there was nothing elft of my soul.
God, take me I'm broken.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Day Twelve
I fell asleep before I could get up and go see you, because my body was so thoroughly exhausted and still weak from the weekend. When I woke up, Kayla was leaving to go to work. It was 4:30 but I didn't have to leave until 6:30, so I rolled right over and buried myself under the blankets. Saber was a warm, heavy limp pressure against my legs and that's the last thing I remember.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy?
I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.
I awoke and looked at my alarm. It was 7:02am. Dang! The first thing I did was call work. It was Mary, luckily. I told her I'd overslept and would be there in 10 minutes. I felt drugged as I threw my clothes on and stumbled through the darkness. Oh, I hurt everywhere.
Work, bright blinding lights, overpowering coffee smells, the ping of the panini press snapping open and shut. Ohhhhhh. I slowly swallowed some sweet tea while Kayla and Mary laughed at me. "Not used to these early mornings, huh?!"
It was a good day, though. Kendon didn't work today and I missed him.
You had texted me, again. At 12:58am. When you got off work? Got in bed?
I practically danced across the line to tell Kayla. HE WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!! I was so happy, it was blissful. So, so happy. Even though it didn't say anything new. Even though it was still bitter and hateful and condemning. It was my Levi, right on top of my unimportant other messages. I had been on his mind.
And then the regret hit. Why had I fallen asleep?!?! I should have been there! I should have been there at work to see him off and I'd been sleeping, while I had been on his mind! I scolded and fussed and thrashed myself all through the lunch rush. Stupid, stupid Noelle. Stupid girl.
I was the last person to leave, because Dawn had me do the Z-Rack. I made sure it was perfect.... she'd thrown a temper tantrum earlier because Gabby messed it up last night. I mean, throwing things and screaming profanities in the freezer. It frightened me and really made me sad. Dawn, why?
When I got off, I was exhausted. I went to the apartment and laid straight down. Workout and tan could come later. I didn't sleep but just let the blood flow down to my feet and tried to relax. Kayla was out tanning but when she got back, we looked at the cute summer dresses she was taking to go see Dre's graduation in, and admired her boots, and the cute faded denim jacket with the holes, and talked about jewelry options and how nice the soft floral peach sundress looked against her new tan.
Then I was off to the library to retreive the power cord for my comptuer, which I had left there the night before. Dang, Noelle. The guy at the library was a little rude and I just looked at him and said quietly, "This is already really embarressing for me. Can I please just have my cord?" He changed his tone and quickly went to go get it from lost and found. I knew you would have made fun of me. Maybe this is why you left me. I can't even keep track of a power cord........... a cord that you fixed for me so long ago.... Oh, Levi.
I drove over to Memorial to get the bahama mama smoothie that Kayla had gotten last night. While I was sitting in line, I powered up my Facebook out of curiosity. The same old drama from my same old tiny friends list. I already knew all the news from my family.... the news from my friends didn't matter to me anymore. I checked your name and to my shock.... you had UNBLOCKED me. I quickly checked through my grandma's account and you still had her blocked, a pretty good indication that you had the rest of my family still blocked.
Why?
And why, now?
I mulled over the options. There were so many varients.
Then I called mom and talked to her. I told her about the texts from you, about Facebook. Mom said that Dad was so angry with you that it would be almost impossible for you to ever ever win his trust or approval again. My heart ached. But she encouraged me that my Uncle Mike did it for my Aunt Kelly - he said, "I had to go through the fire, but she was worth it." I wondered if you would ever feel that way about me again. I wondered if you ever had.
She said I should tell dad that you had texted me. She agreed that not texting you back was the right thing. Although Dad hasn't told me I couldn't contact you, if that was the situation in your mind, I should make sure the Devil didn't get any room to make you hate me even more.
So I emailed my dad all about it, and asked him to contact you for me. Because I want to reply to you. I remember how you once said, "Thank you for always answering when I call, no matter how angry you are with me." I wanted to be that same Noelle, even though I'm not angry anymore and just so hurt.... even though you hate me.... I still want to be that Noelle who loves you. He said he was proud of me. My dad, proud of me. That felt so good. I wanted you to see it, so you would have to change your unfounded opinion of me. But I knew you never would.....
I was so tired when I got home. Me and Kayla talked about Ukraine and I showered her pictures of the weddings and we talked until late, about 10:30. Then I read my Bible and just prayed until 11, when I left her sound asleep and slipped out into the cold, dark world. I was so afraid to go out in the dark all alone and be on the roads, but I went, shaking in my boots as I was.
The roads were dark but my heater soon had the car a more friendly place, and the country station made the atmosphere nicer. It was amazing to see so many cars out, since I had been up so early I'd forgotten a lot of people's days hadn't been going on that long.
It was a long drive. 122 blocks down, 122 blocks back, and a lot a lot a lot of gas.
I had so much time to think. I was nervous. I had to do this right.....
I ached to see you.
It was cold. I had anticipated the warm, quiet drive down. I hadn't anticipated the long wait in a car that grew colder and colder, rocked by shuddering icy winds. I shuddered and trembled in the cold, shuffling my feet to keep warm. A huge headache. Cars going everywhere. People going in and out through the doors. It was way busier than I had anticipated.
About 11:30 it quieted down. A couple of black/Mexican guys in shady looking white cars all hung out at the end of the parking lot, near me, a drug exchange going down or something, I was sure. I double checked and double checked that my doors were locked. I felt so vulnerable. Stupid girl, stupid girl....
Am I going crazy?
I fear so.
But then I saw you.
Just the sillhouette, going through the doors at a brisk pace. And I knew, from the first brief glimpse, that it was you.
Levi!
My heart surged. My hands shook and I jerked my seat upright. I shoved the key into the ignition and then cowered down behind the steering wheel, soaking up the few seconds I knew that I only had to watch you. Such a few seconds. Maybe thirty, maybe less. You were walking so fast. You were right on time, 12:05. Short sleeves, quick pace, shuffling jeans. You were so handsome my stomach literally turned inside of me. The magnetism was stronger than ever. My Levi... my Levi... my Levi....
You walked around to your door, and yanked the handle. Then you stopped and dug out the key from your pocket, and got in. Your face I had glimpsed so so briefly looked so confident and comfortable... so cool.
Could you really be so content in your new life??? I literally couldn't comprehend it. I felt blank, like a gunshot through my guts, but I still shook with the adrenaline of seeing you. So many conflicting emotions.
You zoomed off, and rather than go around to Reno, you headed towards MacArthur. Suddenly my adrenaline literally spiked off the charts and I threw on my buckle, floored the clutch and tried to get Corbin to start. One time, two, the starter whined in protest. I screamed and tried again, panicked. Third try, the engine caught and Corbin woke up from his chilly slumber. I floored the gas and he jerked forward, surprised, as I maxxed him out from the get-go.
I followed you into the parking lot of MacDonalds, but from there the calculation took place. I had to keep hedging at the entrance while you were at the speaker, and then you merged with so many other cars. I didn't dare pull around and see how many cars were ahead of you - I knew for certain no matter how out of it you might be after work, it was too brightly light and you would recognize me so close. Instead I peeled out the back entrance and pulled up to the stoplight to MacArthur. I got lucky that no one was out, because I sat through two green arrows waiting. Sweat literally rolled down my palms. What if you had already pulled out the other exit onto MacAruthr? In the dark I couldn't make out the model of cars at the light going by. Any one of them could be you - curse my fading eyesight.
Finally I panicked that I had missed you. Could it really take this long? I zoomed back into MacDonalds and risked pulling my car around the back side of the building to look at the queue - and you were there, just now getting your food.
Oh, praise God.
I twisted Corbin around, laboring over the manual steering. I zoomed back to Walmart and cut to Reno, hoping to flank you at the light. Sure enough, we were at the light at the same time, but I had the red and you had the green - and you disappeared down Reno like a shooting star. I cursed the light and screamed in despair, nauseous.
Please, light, please... there goes my love.
It turned and I floored it. Corbin shreiked and I didn't care. I might never have this chance again. Forget gas prices, forget old rusty engine problems, I rocketed forward like I was propelled by jet fuel, the engine revving up to almost 5.
Praise God for 50 miles and hour speed limits.
I caught up to you at Ann Arbor, I made the turn on a yellow arrow, just behind you. I gasped in my breath - I hadn't thought I would ever catch up to the little red lights up ahead that was you. Oh, praise God.
I followed you along Ann Arbor in the dark, happily chasing Santana.. in another life, this could have been fun. As it was.... I ached. I felt cold and empty. So empty.
At the light, we both turned right. I knew you couldn't recognize the black car in the dark with my headlights beaming at you. Just before the school, I yanked left and pulled into an empty lot across the street directly across from the guys lot. I didn't care about the entrance to the school - I wanted to see you park.
You turned onto the school... and disappeared.
I cut the lights but left the engine running, nose pointed towards the street. I looked left and right very carefully. Last time I had hung out here in the dark, a black gangster tried to break into my car and I ended up spending the night with the police. I felt even more vulnerable than sitting at Walmart, but here at least my engine was running. I double checked the lcoks. They were good.
It took forever..... literally. I almost gave up. How long did it take you to wrap around the campus? Even at 5 miles an hour.... really? Just before I gave up, I decided I would sit there all night if I had to, to make sure in my mind that I hadn't missed you. Good thing too - just then the lot light up with the glow of unmistakable headlights, and Santanna appeared. You parked like normal, and were quickly out. I saw the very faint form of your sillhouette as you walked back to teh dorm... and you cut in front of the light as you rounded the corner.
Just like that, you were gone for the night.
Oh, Levi.
Good night best friend.... tuck tuck little prince. I miss you so much... please sleep well... please get good rest...
And the tears exploded.
I hadn't expected the throb that imploded in my heart, but as I dropped the E-brake and pulled onto 10th street headed far, far, back norht... I sobbed harder than at the west. You were out of my reach, and I couldn't do anything about it. The despair and hopelessness wracked my body in bitter, blistering tears.
LEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I love you so so so much and you don't even think about me?????!?!?!?!!!!
ALl the anguish.
I shreiked and sobbed blinded all the way home. I whimpered and sobbed and choked and swerved all over the road and felt so empty and despairing that it is a miracle I didn't end up run over. I was a major hazard to the road. I could barely seen anything. I couldn't control the sobs - the violence shook my body so hard I was unable to wipe it away with the only napkin I had.
I didn't turn on the music. I didn't want anyone's mood, anyone's words, to steal this moment of truth from my soul.
The silence.
The darkness.
The cold.
The streets and empty street lights.
The distance growing between me and you in the dorm.
The high gate, the finality.
Me screaming your name, and you not even thinking mine.
I was so little. The city was so huge. So many streets, so many lights, so many shops and parking lots and miles of houses. One little girl, one little car, deserted streets and a deserted city. So alien. So hopeless.
By the time I crossed the northwest expressway, all 90 blocks later, I was so worn out I crawled along at 35 miles an hour. The streets grew darker and I grew quieter and number. The scenery faded from my comprehension, and the memories from the past flooded in. The summer, the warmth, feeling you twirl me under the stars, the fir trees, the journal the first day you handed it to me across the table at Dunking Donuts with the heart taped to it.... my eyes meeting yours, your lips meeting mine....
I pulled into the apartment and limped up to bed. Saber didn't even bark when I came in, and I crawled under the covers in my clothes. I closed my eyes, and the numbness stiffened my muscles with cold.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.... the headache throbbed.
It was going to be a hellish night, and there was no escape. Just me and the darkness and no escape.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Day Eleven
Monday, 4:30 am. My alarm went off and me and Kayla rolled out of bed. She had turned the heat on in the apartment- it was warm - I felt like a new person after the weekend.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.
My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace
Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.
Good morning, God.
Good morning, Levi.
I ran to my car and raced Kayla to work (I won, of course. Aren't you proud?) And began my first opening shift since forever ago. Coffee, arranging the pastry display case, slicing breads for the line, filling the ice bucket with water bottles, filling the bagel wall and bread wall with fresh breads, singing and drinking hot cinnamin coffee.... tired but energetic. It was going to be okay.
I don't deal well with customers anymore, babe.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. Even in a great mood, I stare at them in annoyance when they are rude, pushy, snappy, stupid, whatever. I just get tired of being the brunt of the customers. I love smiling at them, welcoming them in, making sure their order is taken right, introducing them to our wonderful menu options, making thier food with speed and efficiency, carrying it out and seeing that they don't need any help, clearing the mess away and getting the dining room tidy for the next guest... I love the whole cycle of it. But one on one with customers for hours is really wearing me thin.
Eric made a comment that really made me smile. "Oh, wow, you have the ice bucket filled? It's only 5:30! Usually that doesn't get done till after 7 or until I finally do it for them..."
I smiled.
Because I am very, very efficient at my job.
The coffees were never expired.
The bakery case was never filled with gaps and holes. There were never crumbs left on the chopping boards and slicer machines. Not one day dot on the sani buckets expired, not once did a customer come tell me the creamer bullet was empty.
It was a very good day.
But Dawn asked me to do the Z-Rack before I left... and I felt disappointed. Why do I have to do it even working morning? I'm not getting paid for it! I felt disallusioned but I did my best. By the time I was done, all the other morning people were gone and I was the only one left. I didn't mind because I wanted to see Kendon. I missed him. And Gabby and Halle and Hannah and Heidi and all the Heartland students. How was the weekend? How was the dorm? How was everything going?
They didn't see you at church, but they saw the Mexican girl and she was sitting with her friends.
Interesting.
Maybe you didn't go to church.
I didn't care. It was your life and you didn't want me in it.
I gave Kendon a big hug and then pulled Gabby aside to talk about the Z-Rack.
I left, and went to the gym. I worked out my hamstrings, glutes, calves, and biceps. Poor little bicep muscles... they have no hope!!!!! =( I feel very discouraged but it's okay. I tanned 7 minutes and my skin burned and itched for the rest of the day.
You wrote me.
YOU WROTE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I flipped out. Oh my gosh.
For the first time since you left me in January, you initiated contact with me. You initiated it! Even if it was just to yell at me.... you still iniated it! Especially knowing that my dad forbade you from contacting me? I was giddy. It must have really mattered to you.
Of course... you should have written my dad, and explained to him that you were not seeing anyone and to pass that along to me. That would have been the right thing to do, but you haven't been doing the right thing in a very long time.
I kept looking at it all day.
After the gym, I went home and met up with Kayle, who had just tanned and worked out at her gym on May and 63rd. This would be the life, you know, if she didn't have Dre. We could work togther, work out and tan together, and then go run together? It could be nice. It would never happen, but I was enjoying the baby experience.
You had written me.............
We drove up to lake Hefner and ran around the northeastern tip. A mile down, a mile back. It was so hard in the open, with the road against you, the wind against you, the sky against you, the distance against you. But it felt so good to run. I helped coax her along to the finish line when she wanted to give up and quit. I wondered what it would be like to run with you.... I've always dreamed about running with you.
The wind was so cold it made my ears ache. We were both sore and worn out, but it felt so invigorating. We drove to Memorial and got smoothies and half sandwhiches at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. That place is great! We went all the time in Virginia when we lived on the base at Norfolk? My dad loved the place. Good memories. I got the Health Nut and she got Bahama Mama. They were both amazing. I got the turkey quacamole club too. Yummmmmm.
You had written me.................
Then we went to the Metropolitan library at 122nd and MacArthur. It was amazing!!!!! Glass and beams and jsut... wow.... state of the art! I was so amazed. We met up with Jennifer, former coworker, and talked for two hours and did homework. It was so nice. It really was. It was the first time I ahve "socialized" since you left me. Not counting sitting with Joy in church or buying Bailey lunch.
Jennifer was so full of advice. You see, last time she knew me, you were head over heels in love with me and I was all aglow about us. She was shocked to hear that you left me. She advised writing you and telling you I was seeing other guys. Actually, first she advised going to lunch and talking with other guys. When I laughed and explained that I didn't know any of the guys at my school who were eligible, she went to plan B. Her idea was to get you jealous. It would bring you back fast, she said.
I just looked at her in sadness. Jen.... I love him. Lying to him like that, deliberately taunting him? I couldn't do it.
She insisted, and then offered a bunch of social networking places to find a new guy. "I'm not trying to get rid of Levi, but you need to move on, find yourself, get new friends and be happy again." I know she really cares about me. But she isn't saved and doesn't understand the concept of true love. Deep love, that lasts through deep pain and doesn't go away.
I told her about the bucket of nails in the back of Corbin. WIth the Bible verse, She shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life from Proverbs 31. But you're not married! she exclaimed. It says "all the days of HER life... not all the days they are together, or all the days he loves her back and treats her right!" I explained. The table got really quiet. THey hadn't ever thought of that.
Later, Kayla told me what an inspiration it was to hear that I loved you still, despite everything. I hope that I can love Dre like that, she whispered.
I tried to smile. It's hard. But that is how I know that my love for him is real. It's like a deep ocean or a deep mountain. It just won't move. The pain is there, and the reality that he's gone but... the mountain hasn't been moved, just been refined.
You had written me..........................
We went to the mall, Kayla and I, and looked for wedding rings. She found one she fell in love with, at Gordon's. It really is amazing. I took her to Helzburgs to look at mine.... the Vivaldi semi mount.... but for the first time, I didn't really like it. Maybe because there is no center stone yet. Maybe because the diamond chips are so tiny. I don't know. I felt deep sadness. I felt for the first time, that I would never wear that ring on my finger.
You had written me, but the hatred was still there.
I didn't respond for two reasons. One, because I didn't know what to say. You had everything so wrong. I wasn't gossipping about you. I was trying to leave you alone. Secondly, because you felt that me talking to you was against my dad's will, and I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to be that person in your mind. That was Nikki, not Noelle. Noelle loves her dad, and tries hard to honor him in her life.
I called my mom and we talked for a while, but didn't tell her about your text. Then we came back home and crashed. Work early in the morning, you know. I wanted to go see you at work, but I was exhausted. It's so far away and I am so very little....
I read my Bible before sleep and shared with Kayla Isaiah 54. God being my husband... the woman forsaken... the shame... the love of her youth... the pain.... He will give her good things.
He does give me good things, every day.
I just wish that good thing was you.
You texted me again at 12:58am, when you got off work?
The same message, just resent. I was a sleep and didn't get it till I was at work the next morning and had a chance to check my messages. I about died again from the thrill of it.
My Boyfriend :) The bible says very specific things about gossip and murmerings. And there is nothign going on between me and that girl she likes a friend of mine and was wanting to know more about him now please stop and let me live my life in peace
Oh, Levi.
I love you so much.
Day 10
My first day of spring break.
I had slept poorly. The apartment was so cold when I awoke, strange and shivering. I checked my phone. It was around 6am and Kayla was long gone to work. I burried my head back under the pillow. Every part of me ached, and throbbed. My head, my throat, my eyes, my back. I stretched and then recoiled quicked because of the cold air. This was horrible. I couldn't take this. I just wanted to go out to my car and drive away to somewhere warm, like New Orleans, and get a warm hotel and crank the heater up to 94 and sleep for a week.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen back asleep, but I remember waking up to a text message. Not from you, of course, but from Kayla asking me to take the dog out as soon as I got up. The dog was no longer sleeping with me, and I could hear it in the other room. She had probably locked it in its cage.
Go to church? Or no?
Honestly, I felt exhausted. I felt... weak. Weak is a good work. Weak, and cold.
Even Mary's church wasn't an option. I needed rest, I needed healing physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.
I slept, and then I got up and took the dog out. Got dressed in something totally non HA (this was my first day of break, you know) and drove to work to check the schedule. I went to the gym because it was right next door, but only tanned. The warmth of the radiation pulsing into my skin helped give me a little energy, but left me more parched than ever.
Spiritually parched, too.
I drove and drove. Gas was so expensive, but I didn't care.
Remember that night at the park on Grand Boulevard? The day I chased you down, 21 days into the silence? I wept in your arms because I had stumbled and done something incredibly stupid. Well, I couldn't just shrug it off anymore. If God was to fix you, bring you back, then I needed him desperately to clean out my heart, too. I just needed to get right with him. All the bitterness, the brokenness, of years and dreams and so much hurt and loss.... I had done this before, but it was time again. And God listened to my broken sobs and held me close and let me be real and honest with him... and he loved me. Despite my faults, despite my shortcomings.
And I got things right with him.
I drove back home late that night, more weary than ever, but refreshed in my spirit.
It was time to start letting God renew my spirit, renew a right spirit in me, so that my dad and you could be proud of me.
Kayla was excited to see me but we were both tired and just went straight to sleep.
Tomorrow, she said, let's do something.
Dear Levi, how I still love you. I don't want to spend this break so far away from you, and without you.
I had slept poorly. The apartment was so cold when I awoke, strange and shivering. I checked my phone. It was around 6am and Kayla was long gone to work. I burried my head back under the pillow. Every part of me ached, and throbbed. My head, my throat, my eyes, my back. I stretched and then recoiled quicked because of the cold air. This was horrible. I couldn't take this. I just wanted to go out to my car and drive away to somewhere warm, like New Orleans, and get a warm hotel and crank the heater up to 94 and sleep for a week.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen back asleep, but I remember waking up to a text message. Not from you, of course, but from Kayla asking me to take the dog out as soon as I got up. The dog was no longer sleeping with me, and I could hear it in the other room. She had probably locked it in its cage.
Go to church? Or no?
Honestly, I felt exhausted. I felt... weak. Weak is a good work. Weak, and cold.
Even Mary's church wasn't an option. I needed rest, I needed healing physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.
I slept, and then I got up and took the dog out. Got dressed in something totally non HA (this was my first day of break, you know) and drove to work to check the schedule. I went to the gym because it was right next door, but only tanned. The warmth of the radiation pulsing into my skin helped give me a little energy, but left me more parched than ever.
Spiritually parched, too.
I drove and drove. Gas was so expensive, but I didn't care.
Remember that night at the park on Grand Boulevard? The day I chased you down, 21 days into the silence? I wept in your arms because I had stumbled and done something incredibly stupid. Well, I couldn't just shrug it off anymore. If God was to fix you, bring you back, then I needed him desperately to clean out my heart, too. I just needed to get right with him. All the bitterness, the brokenness, of years and dreams and so much hurt and loss.... I had done this before, but it was time again. And God listened to my broken sobs and held me close and let me be real and honest with him... and he loved me. Despite my faults, despite my shortcomings.
And I got things right with him.
I drove back home late that night, more weary than ever, but refreshed in my spirit.
It was time to start letting God renew my spirit, renew a right spirit in me, so that my dad and you could be proud of me.
Kayla was excited to see me but we were both tired and just went straight to sleep.
Tomorrow, she said, let's do something.
Dear Levi, how I still love you. I don't want to spend this break so far away from you, and without you.
Day Eight Part II
I posted these out of order.
After Panera on Friday night, I drove to see Santanna. For a long time, I just sat there in the dark, looking at her. She always looks so happy. So little, and sweet, and just.... everything good I remember about us. I sat in the darkness, and let the tears roll down. I thought I had been through with all the crying, but something about seeing her - up close and real - made my heart constrict and my eyes smart with tears. Levi, I miss you so much. Why don't you love me any more?
I didn't plan on getting out. I was just going to sit there and listen to the radio and just.... feel the closeness. But then I saw a white paper tucked under the windshield, fluttering limply in the night breeze. A note? For you? From whom? The curiosity burned. It was probably just a random flyer, but..... what if it was from her? What if it said Hey cutie look for me at work.....? Or....? Oh, the thoughts were viscous. I didn't go crazy. I sat there and brooded. Did it even matter? Based on our conversation at The West, you were now very territorial about your stuff even your trash, and you might get angry. I could picture you.... that is, the new you, the cold sinister angry one.... appearing in the darkness and yelling me at me while I bawl and bawl. I just want to know what's going on in your life, babe.
Well, finally curiosity got the better of me. I got out the car, and marched over. Cautiously, as I approached it. I wasn't sure of your schedule and I didn't want to chance running into you. As amazing as it would be.... the deliciousness my heart craved would be overshrouded by the hurt and bitterness of the rejection and anger and... coldness.
It was just a flyer. My heart hadn't been pounding, but I felt a deeper sense of calmness when I saw the stupid advertisement. Praise God. While I was so close, I peeked in. To my shock....
It was clean.
Bare.
Empty.
It even looked vaccuumed out, no trace of crumbs.
No trace of rumpled receipts.
No crumpled food bags.
No rotting crumbs.
Leaky drinks.
I didn't understand it. Why had you cleaned it? When? When did you get the time????? The last time it was clean.... we did it together, for Thanksgiving break, I think. It was always something that we did together. :'(((( Remember? Remember the water? The soap? The dollar store supplies? The music? The heat and thirst? The hot, sexy sweaty kisses? Sonic and the movies? Me rear-ending the old man's car? All the memories.....
I remember cleaning out Santanna for the first time, with Steven, back on campus. Steven threw a fit when I had him go sneak your car out of the guys dorm lot and bring it around behind the gym. "I'm wearing a Turkish suit!!!" But he was such a great sport and helped me dump the trash and wipe out the scum and brush the crumbs off the seats. You were sooooo surprised... and touched...
Who did you clean your car out for this time?
You lived with it a mess all the time. It didn't seem to faze you, so I had trouble believing that you would do it for yourself just because you got tired of the junk. But yet.... the puzzle had me going crazy. Clean, clean. If you got tired, you would have just emptied out the trash. But dang this car was vacuumed, wiped down, immaculate. I contemplated it.
Were the notes still there?
Panic gripped me like a vise. Had you been erasing every last trace of me?
It was hard to see through the glass, but I could see white notecards still on the visor. Relief flooded my being. Oh, praise God. You had done a thorough job, and yet left the notecards.
It gave me hope.
Pitiful, unhealthy hope... but hope.
I clung to it like a kitten drowning in a riptide stream.
He hasn't gotten rid of my gifts yet, my memory.
While I was looking at the driver's visor, I noticed the passengers.
..............it was down.
Down, as in currently. Someone had ridden with you and it was during the daytime when the sun was out, and they had pulled the visor down.
Who?
Was this the person that you had cleaned the car up for???
So many questions.
I finally broke down and...... don't hate me, babe. I got out the extra pair of keys. The ones that you always knew I had. In reality, they weren't mine. They were Kendon's, just in case. But I had asked for them back. SO when I said that you had my keys... I meant it.... but deep inside I knew it was still dishonest. But I couldn't let them go, I couldn't. It felt like giving up the last little grip of control I had. I just couldn't bear to be locked out of your life literally.
I sat inside and sniffered for perfume. Nothing. Just clean, cool scent of a clean car.
The keychain that I got your last Valentine's Day was still in the middle section, scratched and dirty as heck. Like all the other memories of me... tainted with your anger and hate.
In the back, I saw the book the Five Love Languages.
That really stopped me.
I figured it being in the back seat of your car meant you surely weren't reading it. But you hadn't ditched it. I found that interesting..... it made me hurt so bad, touching it, seeing that you had indeed ripped out my note and discarded it, along with the lyrics from Maroon 5. Maybe you kept the book to help you with your new girlfriend? I don't know. All I know is that it hurt and was confusing.
There was a laptop case behind your seat.
Your computer?
Someone else's?
Were you fixing it for someone?
I thought of my computer.... how we met... all those wonderful memories. My heart was cold, and my body was cold, and I was stressed out and shaking. There was only one receipt to look at, but I dared not take it.
Little Caesars on Rockwell, Monday the 11th at 21:44. A change from Taco Bell, I guess.
Leaving Santanna was like dying.
It was like a physical blow.
I left, and I ran back to my car, and turned the music and heat way up. Back in my own comfort zone.... the life you had exiled me to.... but not the life I wanted.
I drove home and cleaned for dorm day, but my heart wasn't in it.
My heart was still with Santanna in the cold, dark parking lot of Walmart, waiting for our Levi to come home to us safe and sound.
After Panera on Friday night, I drove to see Santanna. For a long time, I just sat there in the dark, looking at her. She always looks so happy. So little, and sweet, and just.... everything good I remember about us. I sat in the darkness, and let the tears roll down. I thought I had been through with all the crying, but something about seeing her - up close and real - made my heart constrict and my eyes smart with tears. Levi, I miss you so much. Why don't you love me any more?
I didn't plan on getting out. I was just going to sit there and listen to the radio and just.... feel the closeness. But then I saw a white paper tucked under the windshield, fluttering limply in the night breeze. A note? For you? From whom? The curiosity burned. It was probably just a random flyer, but..... what if it was from her? What if it said Hey cutie look for me at work.....? Or....? Oh, the thoughts were viscous. I didn't go crazy. I sat there and brooded. Did it even matter? Based on our conversation at The West, you were now very territorial about your stuff even your trash, and you might get angry. I could picture you.... that is, the new you, the cold sinister angry one.... appearing in the darkness and yelling me at me while I bawl and bawl. I just want to know what's going on in your life, babe.
Well, finally curiosity got the better of me. I got out the car, and marched over. Cautiously, as I approached it. I wasn't sure of your schedule and I didn't want to chance running into you. As amazing as it would be.... the deliciousness my heart craved would be overshrouded by the hurt and bitterness of the rejection and anger and... coldness.
It was just a flyer. My heart hadn't been pounding, but I felt a deeper sense of calmness when I saw the stupid advertisement. Praise God. While I was so close, I peeked in. To my shock....
It was clean.
Bare.
Empty.
It even looked vaccuumed out, no trace of crumbs.
No trace of rumpled receipts.
No crumpled food bags.
No rotting crumbs.
Leaky drinks.
I didn't understand it. Why had you cleaned it? When? When did you get the time????? The last time it was clean.... we did it together, for Thanksgiving break, I think. It was always something that we did together. :'(((( Remember? Remember the water? The soap? The dollar store supplies? The music? The heat and thirst? The hot, sexy sweaty kisses? Sonic and the movies? Me rear-ending the old man's car? All the memories.....
I remember cleaning out Santanna for the first time, with Steven, back on campus. Steven threw a fit when I had him go sneak your car out of the guys dorm lot and bring it around behind the gym. "I'm wearing a Turkish suit!!!" But he was such a great sport and helped me dump the trash and wipe out the scum and brush the crumbs off the seats. You were sooooo surprised... and touched...
Who did you clean your car out for this time?
You lived with it a mess all the time. It didn't seem to faze you, so I had trouble believing that you would do it for yourself just because you got tired of the junk. But yet.... the puzzle had me going crazy. Clean, clean. If you got tired, you would have just emptied out the trash. But dang this car was vacuumed, wiped down, immaculate. I contemplated it.
Were the notes still there?
Panic gripped me like a vise. Had you been erasing every last trace of me?
It was hard to see through the glass, but I could see white notecards still on the visor. Relief flooded my being. Oh, praise God. You had done a thorough job, and yet left the notecards.
It gave me hope.
Pitiful, unhealthy hope... but hope.
I clung to it like a kitten drowning in a riptide stream.
He hasn't gotten rid of my gifts yet, my memory.
While I was looking at the driver's visor, I noticed the passengers.
..............it was down.
Down, as in currently. Someone had ridden with you and it was during the daytime when the sun was out, and they had pulled the visor down.
Who?
Was this the person that you had cleaned the car up for???
So many questions.
I finally broke down and...... don't hate me, babe. I got out the extra pair of keys. The ones that you always knew I had. In reality, they weren't mine. They were Kendon's, just in case. But I had asked for them back. SO when I said that you had my keys... I meant it.... but deep inside I knew it was still dishonest. But I couldn't let them go, I couldn't. It felt like giving up the last little grip of control I had. I just couldn't bear to be locked out of your life literally.
I sat inside and sniffered for perfume. Nothing. Just clean, cool scent of a clean car.
The keychain that I got your last Valentine's Day was still in the middle section, scratched and dirty as heck. Like all the other memories of me... tainted with your anger and hate.
In the back, I saw the book the Five Love Languages.
That really stopped me.
I figured it being in the back seat of your car meant you surely weren't reading it. But you hadn't ditched it. I found that interesting..... it made me hurt so bad, touching it, seeing that you had indeed ripped out my note and discarded it, along with the lyrics from Maroon 5. Maybe you kept the book to help you with your new girlfriend? I don't know. All I know is that it hurt and was confusing.
There was a laptop case behind your seat.
Your computer?
Someone else's?
Were you fixing it for someone?
I thought of my computer.... how we met... all those wonderful memories. My heart was cold, and my body was cold, and I was stressed out and shaking. There was only one receipt to look at, but I dared not take it.
Little Caesars on Rockwell, Monday the 11th at 21:44. A change from Taco Bell, I guess.
Leaving Santanna was like dying.
It was like a physical blow.
I left, and I ran back to my car, and turned the music and heat way up. Back in my own comfort zone.... the life you had exiled me to.... but not the life I wanted.
I drove home and cleaned for dorm day, but my heart wasn't in it.
My heart was still with Santanna in the cold, dark parking lot of Walmart, waiting for our Levi to come home to us safe and sound.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Day Nine
Dorm Day. It dawned soft and warm, but far too early. My roommates were all up way before me, but I didn't want to face the day. Another Saturday... another Levi's day.... And even harder, another anniversary. Dorm Day last year? The hotel... the warmth of snuggling under the blankets, tangled in your arms.... the soft kisses, pushing me on the counter and stealing my breath with your long, hungry kisses... waking up and feeling you right next to me, just a reach away. So tangible. So safe, far away from the exhaustion and the unfairness of Heartland. You were so angry at them that day, and I blew 75$ to try to give you an outlet, to give you an escape, to be your friend. This Saturday, just a year later, and everything was so different. It was much warmer. Last year was so cold, and grey, and miserable. This year the sun was warm and spring was soft and sweet in the air. It wasn't fair. I packed up my stuff for spring break - all twelve bags plus my comforter and pillow - and began the endless treks to the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Arms so tired. Where are you Levi? You helped me move in... wow.... blinding tears.
After touching up my room, I pressed a kiss to Patrick's glass. I didn't want to leave him.... one of the few tangible links I have with the past we had. Had. It's such a bitter word. Patrick lives on, Levi. Why doesn't your love for me? I love you so much. ;'(
Patrick waved at me goodby with his little fins, begging me to take him with me. I felt like I was being a bum but I wasn't sure what Kayla's apartments allowed pet-wise. And Mandii promised she'd take very good care of him. I know he misses you. It was nice to see that he misses me, too. At least someone does....
It was 645 when I pulled off campus. When I pulled off, a part of my heart sunk into the deep quicksand that has become the endless abyss of my emotions. They get plunged deeper and deeper, sucked down where no one can find them or comprehend them anymore and there's no pulling them back up. Just learning to live in the depth of the quicksand. How could I leave? And not know where you are? What you are doing this year? Last year you were driving to be with me, as close as literally possible. This year?? Where you stressed? Had you had enough time to clean? Did you even care this year? Were you going out with your roommates? With your stupid friends? Were you hanging out in the caff? Were you hanging out and having fun with your stupid replacements? Or were you in a corner miserable in your resentment and hatred at me? Where were you??? I didn't know. And it hurt so bad. I bawled, even at 645 in the moning.
Levi, I need you.
I need you.
I parked infront of the hair academy on 23rd and MacArthur, and set my alarm for 7:55. They accepted color clients from 8-10am only. I'll let you know, the Bonneville is a dream to fall asleep in. The leather seats were nicely heated and there was so much room and my body just cuddled down and soothingly... soothingly... drowning in the softness of my comforter... the sun and breeze lilting through the open sunroof....
.........I awoke at 9:45.
My alarm hadn't gone off. I awoke disorientated after such a sound sleep. Where was Levi? I groped among my pillows for my phone. Empty phone. Worthless phone. I saw the time and groaned. No way. I didn't know where Levi was. The helpless feeling made me frustrated. I ran in to ask them if they were still accepting clients for color - they weren't - there were four people ahead of me and they would never get me done in time for work.
I sat in my car and..... well, I didn't cry. I just existed for a while. Burning breaths, empty mind, lifeless body. God, I know you are there. I know you are. But I am such an empty shell. You need to fill me up, because I have nothing left. There is nothing in me.
I pulled into McDonalds and ordered the old familiar breakfast we used to share. Chicken biscuit, caramel frappe. It was good. But even the pleasure of the taste still lingered with the memory that eating alone is no fun. I miss eating with you.
I drove back to campus, and Kendon wanted to take the car to hang out with his friends. What was I going to do? I was lonely and aimless. I had blown my plans for the morning and I didn't know what to do. Go into the caff where my roommies were? I knew myself too well. I would really be looking for you. If you weren't there, I would be alive with suspense. But if you were, I would see who my replacements were for this anniversary day.... and that would kill me. I would not be able to pretend that it didn't cut me. So I just walked to my dorm, breathing in beautiful wind and sunshine. It was so pretty. It didn't make any sense. Why wasn't tomorrow gloomy and sad? The beauty of the weather defied the sadness in my soul.
I got back to my dorm and was reunited with Patrick. A few more minutes with my precious little fish. Then Kendon called.... what did he want? I had left him the car and keys. Surprisingly, he wanted to invite me out! His friends were unavailable.
I leapt at the chance.
Hanging with my brother!
Family... my family.... all I had left. And one of them was reaching out me, when I was always the one reaching out to them. He wanted to hang with me? Instead of his friends? Wow.
I changed into walking shoes - my cute Dolce&Gabanna converses with the butterflies. Ran to the car. Kendon had a cold bottle of rootbeer ready and we zoomed off, windows down, music blaring. He was especially kind. We went to the northwest side of Hefner, parked, and went for a brisk walk. We passed a guy flying huge kites - HUGE KITES, babe!- exactly what I dream about for my graduation party. My party.... will you be there? Oh, I pray so.... but I feel deep in my soul this great sadness that you will not.
We talked about his plans for Dallas, for the police. We talked about the devo he gave. I was so unspeakably proud for the man he is becoming. So proud.
Then we drove to the mall and had lunch together, and I got a call from Courtney Morgan. Who is coming to my graduation!!! And she will be there for my party!!! And she will do my hair for the banquet... not that you will be there ;'( but I want you to be.....
Then we walked around the mall and just window shopped. I showed him the engagement ring of my dreams. Vivaldi semi mount, halo, princess cut, glittering profile. He approved! I loved that =) He showed me some Gucci watched he liked.
Then it was off to work... zooming in the sunshine, wind blowing. It coould hardly have been better. Somehow this sad day had turned into something I could handle. I miss you with every fiber of my being but... God is still good to me. Even in the darkness, he is sending small rays of light.
Work was actually really bad.... I had to put gas in the Bonneville so Kendon could take it, and I drove him to the dorm. Then I loaded up the black Nissan, Corbin, and drove it to Kayla's... and it was on empty so I had to fill it up, too. OUCH. $$
I finally got to Kayla's around midnight. Her dog Saber slept with us in the huge bed. It was so cold.... it was dark and alien and I was scared driving on strange streets for on the northwesternmost edge of town. Even in bed there were strange noises from the other apartments and a dull, ominous amber glow from the street line shone into my eyes. I can't sleep with light... especially direct light, like that. It was a fitfull night before I feel asleep.....
..... and I know that I dreamed of you.
After touching up my room, I pressed a kiss to Patrick's glass. I didn't want to leave him.... one of the few tangible links I have with the past we had. Had. It's such a bitter word. Patrick lives on, Levi. Why doesn't your love for me? I love you so much. ;'(
Patrick waved at me goodby with his little fins, begging me to take him with me. I felt like I was being a bum but I wasn't sure what Kayla's apartments allowed pet-wise. And Mandii promised she'd take very good care of him. I know he misses you. It was nice to see that he misses me, too. At least someone does....
It was 645 when I pulled off campus. When I pulled off, a part of my heart sunk into the deep quicksand that has become the endless abyss of my emotions. They get plunged deeper and deeper, sucked down where no one can find them or comprehend them anymore and there's no pulling them back up. Just learning to live in the depth of the quicksand. How could I leave? And not know where you are? What you are doing this year? Last year you were driving to be with me, as close as literally possible. This year?? Where you stressed? Had you had enough time to clean? Did you even care this year? Were you going out with your roommates? With your stupid friends? Were you hanging out in the caff? Were you hanging out and having fun with your stupid replacements? Or were you in a corner miserable in your resentment and hatred at me? Where were you??? I didn't know. And it hurt so bad. I bawled, even at 645 in the moning.
Levi, I need you.
I need you.
I parked infront of the hair academy on 23rd and MacArthur, and set my alarm for 7:55. They accepted color clients from 8-10am only. I'll let you know, the Bonneville is a dream to fall asleep in. The leather seats were nicely heated and there was so much room and my body just cuddled down and soothingly... soothingly... drowning in the softness of my comforter... the sun and breeze lilting through the open sunroof....
.........I awoke at 9:45.
My alarm hadn't gone off. I awoke disorientated after such a sound sleep. Where was Levi? I groped among my pillows for my phone. Empty phone. Worthless phone. I saw the time and groaned. No way. I didn't know where Levi was. The helpless feeling made me frustrated. I ran in to ask them if they were still accepting clients for color - they weren't - there were four people ahead of me and they would never get me done in time for work.
I sat in my car and..... well, I didn't cry. I just existed for a while. Burning breaths, empty mind, lifeless body. God, I know you are there. I know you are. But I am such an empty shell. You need to fill me up, because I have nothing left. There is nothing in me.
I pulled into McDonalds and ordered the old familiar breakfast we used to share. Chicken biscuit, caramel frappe. It was good. But even the pleasure of the taste still lingered with the memory that eating alone is no fun. I miss eating with you.
I drove back to campus, and Kendon wanted to take the car to hang out with his friends. What was I going to do? I was lonely and aimless. I had blown my plans for the morning and I didn't know what to do. Go into the caff where my roommies were? I knew myself too well. I would really be looking for you. If you weren't there, I would be alive with suspense. But if you were, I would see who my replacements were for this anniversary day.... and that would kill me. I would not be able to pretend that it didn't cut me. So I just walked to my dorm, breathing in beautiful wind and sunshine. It was so pretty. It didn't make any sense. Why wasn't tomorrow gloomy and sad? The beauty of the weather defied the sadness in my soul.
I got back to my dorm and was reunited with Patrick. A few more minutes with my precious little fish. Then Kendon called.... what did he want? I had left him the car and keys. Surprisingly, he wanted to invite me out! His friends were unavailable.
I leapt at the chance.
Hanging with my brother!
Family... my family.... all I had left. And one of them was reaching out me, when I was always the one reaching out to them. He wanted to hang with me? Instead of his friends? Wow.
I changed into walking shoes - my cute Dolce&Gabanna converses with the butterflies. Ran to the car. Kendon had a cold bottle of rootbeer ready and we zoomed off, windows down, music blaring. He was especially kind. We went to the northwest side of Hefner, parked, and went for a brisk walk. We passed a guy flying huge kites - HUGE KITES, babe!- exactly what I dream about for my graduation party. My party.... will you be there? Oh, I pray so.... but I feel deep in my soul this great sadness that you will not.
We talked about his plans for Dallas, for the police. We talked about the devo he gave. I was so unspeakably proud for the man he is becoming. So proud.
Then we drove to the mall and had lunch together, and I got a call from Courtney Morgan. Who is coming to my graduation!!! And she will be there for my party!!! And she will do my hair for the banquet... not that you will be there ;'( but I want you to be.....
Then we walked around the mall and just window shopped. I showed him the engagement ring of my dreams. Vivaldi semi mount, halo, princess cut, glittering profile. He approved! I loved that =) He showed me some Gucci watched he liked.
Then it was off to work... zooming in the sunshine, wind blowing. It coould hardly have been better. Somehow this sad day had turned into something I could handle. I miss you with every fiber of my being but... God is still good to me. Even in the darkness, he is sending small rays of light.
Work was actually really bad.... I had to put gas in the Bonneville so Kendon could take it, and I drove him to the dorm. Then I loaded up the black Nissan, Corbin, and drove it to Kayla's... and it was on empty so I had to fill it up, too. OUCH. $$
I finally got to Kayla's around midnight. Her dog Saber slept with us in the huge bed. It was so cold.... it was dark and alien and I was scared driving on strange streets for on the northwesternmost edge of town. Even in bed there were strange noises from the other apartments and a dull, ominous amber glow from the street line shone into my eyes. I can't sleep with light... especially direct light, like that. It was a fitfull night before I feel asleep.....
..... and I know that I dreamed of you.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Day Eight
Last day before spring break. Finally, a break. My scorched, parched soul was thirsting for a give, for anything. So ready to quit.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.
God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.
I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.
I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.
Levi.
I love you still.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.
God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.
I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.
I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.
Levi.
I love you still.
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