Dorm Day. It dawned soft and warm, but far too early. My roommates were all up way before me, but I didn't want to face the day. Another Saturday... another Levi's day.... And even harder, another anniversary. Dorm Day last year? The hotel... the warmth of snuggling under the blankets, tangled in your arms.... the soft kisses, pushing me on the counter and stealing my breath with your long, hungry kisses... waking up and feeling you right next to me, just a reach away. So tangible. So safe, far away from the exhaustion and the unfairness of Heartland. You were so angry at them that day, and I blew 75$ to try to give you an outlet, to give you an escape, to be your friend. This Saturday, just a year later, and everything was so different. It was much warmer. Last year was so cold, and grey, and miserable. This year the sun was warm and spring was soft and sweet in the air. It wasn't fair. I packed up my stuff for spring break - all twelve bags plus my comforter and pillow - and began the endless treks to the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Arms so tired. Where are you Levi? You helped me move in... wow.... blinding tears.
After touching up my room, I pressed a kiss to Patrick's glass. I didn't want to leave him.... one of the few tangible links I have with the past we had. Had. It's such a bitter word. Patrick lives on, Levi. Why doesn't your love for me? I love you so much. ;'(
Patrick waved at me goodby with his little fins, begging me to take him with me. I felt like I was being a bum but I wasn't sure what Kayla's apartments allowed pet-wise. And Mandii promised she'd take very good care of him. I know he misses you. It was nice to see that he misses me, too. At least someone does....
It was 645 when I pulled off campus. When I pulled off, a part of my heart sunk into the deep quicksand that has become the endless abyss of my emotions. They get plunged deeper and deeper, sucked down where no one can find them or comprehend them anymore and there's no pulling them back up. Just learning to live in the depth of the quicksand. How could I leave? And not know where you are? What you are doing this year? Last year you were driving to be with me, as close as literally possible. This year?? Where you stressed? Had you had enough time to clean? Did you even care this year? Were you going out with your roommates? With your stupid friends? Were you hanging out in the caff? Were you hanging out and having fun with your stupid replacements? Or were you in a corner miserable in your resentment and hatred at me? Where were you??? I didn't know. And it hurt so bad. I bawled, even at 645 in the moning.
Levi, I need you.
I need you.
I parked infront of the hair academy on 23rd and MacArthur, and set my alarm for 7:55. They accepted color clients from 8-10am only. I'll let you know, the Bonneville is a dream to fall asleep in. The leather seats were nicely heated and there was so much room and my body just cuddled down and soothingly... soothingly... drowning in the softness of my comforter... the sun and breeze lilting through the open sunroof....
.........I awoke at 9:45.
My alarm hadn't gone off. I awoke disorientated after such a sound sleep. Where was Levi? I groped among my pillows for my phone. Empty phone. Worthless phone. I saw the time and groaned. No way. I didn't know where Levi was. The helpless feeling made me frustrated. I ran in to ask them if they were still accepting clients for color - they weren't - there were four people ahead of me and they would never get me done in time for work.
I sat in my car and..... well, I didn't cry. I just existed for a while. Burning breaths, empty mind, lifeless body. God, I know you are there. I know you are. But I am such an empty shell. You need to fill me up, because I have nothing left. There is nothing in me.
I pulled into McDonalds and ordered the old familiar breakfast we used to share. Chicken biscuit, caramel frappe. It was good. But even the pleasure of the taste still lingered with the memory that eating alone is no fun. I miss eating with you.
I drove back to campus, and Kendon wanted to take the car to hang out with his friends. What was I going to do? I was lonely and aimless. I had blown my plans for the morning and I didn't know what to do. Go into the caff where my roommies were? I knew myself too well. I would really be looking for you. If you weren't there, I would be alive with suspense. But if you were, I would see who my replacements were for this anniversary day.... and that would kill me. I would not be able to pretend that it didn't cut me. So I just walked to my dorm, breathing in beautiful wind and sunshine. It was so pretty. It didn't make any sense. Why wasn't tomorrow gloomy and sad? The beauty of the weather defied the sadness in my soul.
I got back to my dorm and was reunited with Patrick. A few more minutes with my precious little fish. Then Kendon called.... what did he want? I had left him the car and keys. Surprisingly, he wanted to invite me out! His friends were unavailable.
I leapt at the chance.
Hanging with my brother!
Family... my family.... all I had left. And one of them was reaching out me, when I was always the one reaching out to them. He wanted to hang with me? Instead of his friends? Wow.
I changed into walking shoes - my cute Dolce&Gabanna converses with the butterflies. Ran to the car. Kendon had a cold bottle of rootbeer ready and we zoomed off, windows down, music blaring. He was especially kind. We went to the northwest side of Hefner, parked, and went for a brisk walk. We passed a guy flying huge kites - HUGE KITES, babe!- exactly what I dream about for my graduation party. My party.... will you be there? Oh, I pray so.... but I feel deep in my soul this great sadness that you will not.
We talked about his plans for Dallas, for the police. We talked about the devo he gave. I was so unspeakably proud for the man he is becoming. So proud.
Then we drove to the mall and had lunch together, and I got a call from Courtney Morgan. Who is coming to my graduation!!! And she will be there for my party!!! And she will do my hair for the banquet... not that you will be there ;'( but I want you to be.....
Then we walked around the mall and just window shopped. I showed him the engagement ring of my dreams. Vivaldi semi mount, halo, princess cut, glittering profile. He approved! I loved that =) He showed me some Gucci watched he liked.
Then it was off to work... zooming in the sunshine, wind blowing. It coould hardly have been better. Somehow this sad day had turned into something I could handle. I miss you with every fiber of my being but... God is still good to me. Even in the darkness, he is sending small rays of light.
Work was actually really bad.... I had to put gas in the Bonneville so Kendon could take it, and I drove him to the dorm. Then I loaded up the black Nissan, Corbin, and drove it to Kayla's... and it was on empty so I had to fill it up, too. OUCH. $$
I finally got to Kayla's around midnight. Her dog Saber slept with us in the huge bed. It was so cold.... it was dark and alien and I was scared driving on strange streets for on the northwesternmost edge of town. Even in bed there were strange noises from the other apartments and a dull, ominous amber glow from the street line shone into my eyes. I can't sleep with light... especially direct light, like that. It was a fitfull night before I feel asleep.....
..... and I know that I dreamed of you.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Day Eight
Last day before spring break. Finally, a break. My scorched, parched soul was thirsting for a give, for anything. So ready to quit.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.
God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.
I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.
I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.
Levi.
I love you still.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.
God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.
I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.
I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.
Levi.
I love you still.
Day Seven
Day Seven.
I can't really remember the day
anymore. Overwhelmed by what I
learned tonight when I walked
into work. It changed everything.
How ironic that I was just
getting into the routine of it
all. Limping along, but still
moving at least if only at a
snail's pace. Wake up late, throw
together an outfit, keys, hot
chocolate, a blur of traffic,
cold cold leather seats. Teachers
meetings. Setup. Bells begin to
ring. Kids avalanche into my room
and it all begins.
Montreal.
I remember about him.
His poems are astounding. Dark,
sad, bitter, haunting. THe only
one in eighty-five kids who
doesn't go on and on about how
thier life is perfet and how they
are the coolest kid at school.
Apparently he's adopted,
recently. I know this is his
first year at CCS. I know he
comes from public school. I
didn't know that he watched his
father murder his little sister.
Murdered. Dead. A little girl,
killed by a man, and he had to
watch it. I can't even process
that kind of atrocity.... just
wow, wow, Montreal. Geeky, big-
glasses, always smiling but so
shyyyyy. His adopted mom wouldn't
let him bring his poem to class
because it talked about suicide.
They made him write something
more upbeat. I felt I disagreed.
He shouldn't have to pretend to
be like everyone else. Wrirint
those emotions can be a powerful
outlet. Sometimes it doesn't help
tho.... this whole blog feels
more and more like a waste of my
scantiful time. You're never
going to read any of this, are
you?
Empty words for an empty blog in
an empty world.
Why do writers write? I once
asked you so wistfully. So that
they can be read.....
And I will never be read.
I had a fight with Kari over my
spring break pass. Just when I
thought that I was done with
their crap, she called me in. "I
don't know these people," blah
blah. Because you have to know
every family friend of all the
students?! PUH-leeze. I'm over
21. I don't need parental
permission. Well, we are
requiring it anyway. JERKS. I
HATE THEM. Just try to stop me
from leaving this pathetic
campus.
Paid my fines.
Got out of there.
Ran into Michelle at the gym. She
was mad because some guy made fun
of her track record with
boyfriends. Well, it's true.
Someday she needs to face it. We
ran together and then I
suntanned, 5 minutes again. Took
a fast cool shower and gently
massaged in lotion. I felt so
good going into work......
.....and then I saw thier faces.
All the heartland girls, avoiding
me. Gabby finally spilled.
Levi has a girlfriend.
I remember when you threw the hot
chocolate on me, and Tia looked
at me and said, "There is another
girl. If not, just wait. The pain
you feel now is nothing compared
to that."
I didn't think she would ever be
right.
I remember what you said to me in
the West. Not looking to the
right or left. No girls.
You lied?
Okay.... I shouldn't really be so
shocked.... you've been lying for
months, to be honest. And if what
you say about the past two years
being a mistake, about Ukraine
being something you made up,
about every promise being fake,
then maybe it shouldn't surprise
me. Maybe there really was a
girl.
Mexican.
OF COURSE.
Brenda?
I know I'll never compete.
I'm not a graceful person... I'm
a 2am broken window, all the leap
days that never happened....
I walked around shocked,
literally like someone punched me
in the guts. Even Mary didn't
know what to say.
In PUBLIC?
In CHAPLE?
Is that who you were texting to?
Is that why you're "alone"? So
that you're "available"? Hav eyou
two been hanigng out at
Walmart??? Is your hard work
there really a big lie??? When
did it start???
THe pain... blsitering,
scorching.... violent.
No, no, no.
I can't really remember the day
anymore. Overwhelmed by what I
learned tonight when I walked
into work. It changed everything.
How ironic that I was just
getting into the routine of it
all. Limping along, but still
moving at least if only at a
snail's pace. Wake up late, throw
together an outfit, keys, hot
chocolate, a blur of traffic,
cold cold leather seats. Teachers
meetings. Setup. Bells begin to
ring. Kids avalanche into my room
and it all begins.
Montreal.
I remember about him.
His poems are astounding. Dark,
sad, bitter, haunting. THe only
one in eighty-five kids who
doesn't go on and on about how
thier life is perfet and how they
are the coolest kid at school.
Apparently he's adopted,
recently. I know this is his
first year at CCS. I know he
comes from public school. I
didn't know that he watched his
father murder his little sister.
Murdered. Dead. A little girl,
killed by a man, and he had to
watch it. I can't even process
that kind of atrocity.... just
wow, wow, Montreal. Geeky, big-
glasses, always smiling but so
shyyyyy. His adopted mom wouldn't
let him bring his poem to class
because it talked about suicide.
They made him write something
more upbeat. I felt I disagreed.
He shouldn't have to pretend to
be like everyone else. Wrirint
those emotions can be a powerful
outlet. Sometimes it doesn't help
tho.... this whole blog feels
more and more like a waste of my
scantiful time. You're never
going to read any of this, are
you?
Empty words for an empty blog in
an empty world.
Why do writers write? I once
asked you so wistfully. So that
they can be read.....
And I will never be read.
I had a fight with Kari over my
spring break pass. Just when I
thought that I was done with
their crap, she called me in. "I
don't know these people," blah
blah. Because you have to know
every family friend of all the
students?! PUH-leeze. I'm over
21. I don't need parental
permission. Well, we are
requiring it anyway. JERKS. I
HATE THEM. Just try to stop me
from leaving this pathetic
campus.
Paid my fines.
Got out of there.
Ran into Michelle at the gym. She
was mad because some guy made fun
of her track record with
boyfriends. Well, it's true.
Someday she needs to face it. We
ran together and then I
suntanned, 5 minutes again. Took
a fast cool shower and gently
massaged in lotion. I felt so
good going into work......
.....and then I saw thier faces.
All the heartland girls, avoiding
me. Gabby finally spilled.
Levi has a girlfriend.
I remember when you threw the hot
chocolate on me, and Tia looked
at me and said, "There is another
girl. If not, just wait. The pain
you feel now is nothing compared
to that."
I didn't think she would ever be
right.
I remember what you said to me in
the West. Not looking to the
right or left. No girls.
You lied?
Okay.... I shouldn't really be so
shocked.... you've been lying for
months, to be honest. And if what
you say about the past two years
being a mistake, about Ukraine
being something you made up,
about every promise being fake,
then maybe it shouldn't surprise
me. Maybe there really was a
girl.
Mexican.
OF COURSE.
Brenda?
I know I'll never compete.
I'm not a graceful person... I'm
a 2am broken window, all the leap
days that never happened....
I walked around shocked,
literally like someone punched me
in the guts. Even Mary didn't
know what to say.
In PUBLIC?
In CHAPLE?
Is that who you were texting to?
Is that why you're "alone"? So
that you're "available"? Hav eyou
two been hanigng out at
Walmart??? Is your hard work
there really a big lie??? When
did it start???
THe pain... blsitering,
scorching.... violent.
No, no, no.
Day Six
Day six.
Six. As in, a week. A whole
freaking week since I sat a
breath away from you at The West.
A breathless distance, my soul
both petrified in fear and
overwhelming hurt as well as
clinging to yours with as strong
a pull as ever. Your magnet,
remember? Or did you forget... or
not even care anymore to think
about. Well, I think about it. I
feel it still, when apparently
you don't. I feel it deeply.
A broken magnet, now. Always
broken, I guess. That's all I
ever am. It's like the
disentigration of the Naval
Academy dream literally altered
my chemical makeup so that now,
success is impossible. Broken.
Even a small week has an effect.
Did you know? Denial, utter
shock, the blur, the adrenaline,
the physical overload, the
spiritual vaccuum, the slow
motion.... numb. I noticed I stop
thinking, "if he doesn't love me
anymore" to "because he doesn't
love me anymore." And from "if he
ever comes back," to "because
he's never going to come back."
From, "like it will be again," to
"like it used to be." It wasn't
even a choice. I just woke up and
drove out of town and started
teaching and before I knew it, I
was talking to my kids about
Patrick and about the guy who
bought him for me, the guy who
loved me, the guy who left and is
gone. Gone, as in not coming
back; rather than gone as in
temporarily absent. My kids were
so kind. They loved Patrick. One
of the quiet little boys, Brett,
wrote a poem about Patrick. It
made me smile. At least someone
cares.
I didn't do so great on my
evaluation by Dr. Babuschak. I
didn't realize I needed to have a
lesson plan filled out for him to
grade. I had my working lesson
plan, spread out over the weeks
I've been teachign and the
remaining weeks, filled with
scribbles and scrawled notes,
aflutter with a rainbow of
stickynotes. He wasn't impressed
and went woefully to the back of
the room, shaking his head and
jotted oh-so-important things on
his paper. At least he said he
enjoyed the lesson, said it was
very unusual to have a class
respond so much, especially guys
to an English class, let alone a
writing class, and today we were
doing poetry to boot. I just
shrugged. They are good kids, I
said. Because it's true.
Eden's birthday is April 6th.
She'll be 14. I need to get her a
gift. I never see anyone else
from the MacIntosh household.
I was so tired, my legs trembled
by second hour. So tired of
standing, being in charge, doing
all the talking. I may be a good
public speaker and I may not be
afraid of crowds and I may have a
gift to teach... whatever.... I
don't have the endurance for
being the main act day after day,
hour after hour nonstop. I get
thirsty and nervous and so, so
tired.
Duke.
I got to focus on him a little
during seatwork time. He plays
guitar, bass, piano. Not any band
instruments. Here are some of his
poems, because I'm sure you're
sick of reading my own words by
now.
This is an acrostic poem.
GUITAR
Gently hand crafted
Uses you
In
The
Art of playing and
Reading music
These are ABC poems.
An American
Boy
Cowardly
Dances to the
Extravagent song in the key of
F
I told him a little about my
pitiful piano skills, about my
violin teacher quitting on me
because she said I was a waste of
her time.
At the end of class, Duke raised
his hand and said he wanted to
read a poem he'd been working on
while zoning out on my lecture on
connotation/denotation.
It was another ABC.
Amazingly, she
Blossoms, she
Certainly loves
Dogs, she
Engcourages your
Feelings
Greatly with
Happiness and
Intimate
Joy,
Kindly
Loves,
Miss
Noelle
O'Brien is the best
Person.
I about bawled in class, in front
of 35 kids. I had to make it not
a big deal. It was our secret,
his and mine. I've got your back,
Duke.
Sandy Chambers, my teacher, told
me that Duke is restless because
he lives so far away that he can
never socialize with his
classmates, have them over, etc.
His parents are pulling him at
the end of the year and putting
him in a public school closer so
that he can start having
friendships. I felt this huge
sadness, this despair, that I
will never see him again and have
no way to ever contact him. I
wish I could know him longer. I
don't want him to walk out of my
life. I shouldn't have gotten
attached. Why did I let myself do
it? I don't know why.
Broken, that's why.
Broken.
First day of the new celebration.
C2, 2013. Hello, pasta. Rustic
Penne Bolognese. Tortellini
Alfredo. Buttered Noodles. Pesto
Cavascchati. I was on line all
night, and it was rough. So much
to do, and not enough time. 45
minutes in the freezer just
pulling pastas to thaw for the
next day and daydotting them and
junk.
Kendon took Bro. Rick out to
lunch today to the Charleston's
Steakhouse, so Gabby drove me to
work. She is tired and sick. It
seems like everyone is sick, and
I haven't even had a sniffle. I
guess I should thank God, but all
I feel is the irony. Of course I
should be healthy now that it
benefits no one but me.
Steven called, and Nina. I can't
figure out what is bugging him,
but he is so down. I wish I could
give him a hug. He sent me a box
in the mail. Just little things I
miss from home.
Ukraine.
I want to go back. It's been on
my mind since you left me, the
day you asked me to pray about
going to Ukraine to help my
parents. Now going back isn't an
option for me, because it is what
you always pushed. "I want you to
be at home," you would say. I
never understood it. Maybe even
way back then, it was your way of
saying that you didn't want me.
You didn't want to be responsible
for me. I was blind, I guess.
Mary and I talked dogs. I found a
canine protection training
academy here in town. I don't
know how much it costs, but they
train your dog to protect your
person if you ever feel
threatened. I am so in. That's
exactly why I'm getting a
malamute when I graduate. Big,
half wolf, brave. The other
reason... so I can feel someone
love me again, loyally.
Unconditionally. Without reserve.
Without perameters. No matter
what kind of day I've had. No
arguments, not mind games, no
crap. Someone to cuddle, to hold
when I cry to sleep. The nice
thing about Mary's house is that
she's always had big dogs that
lived indoors, and she's all for
me getting a malamute. That's a
blessing.
Two more days till dorm day.
Remember last semester? Of course
you do. But of course you don't
think about it. The kisses.. the
warmth... falling asleep...
sweet, amazing slumber snuggled
next to you. I was such a fool.
Kari returned my pass and told me
to come in. Like when? I'm only
on campus for 30 minutes max and
it's when she's off at lunch. I
got four hours this week. Not
being in devos (I fell asleep)
and not having my Bible in devos
(I had just walked in from work).
Thanks, jerks. I feel like Duke.
I want to leave this place.
I saw you today.
Wearing that stupid tan suit.
I didn't mean to, for once.
Checked to see if I got my pass
back, and was walking to my dorm
when Melissa caught me just as I
was trying to escape. It was
awkward, standing there trying to
have a conversation when my head
was screaming at her to shut up
so I could go. It was nice to
know that she cares in her own
way. Of course, since mom and dad
stayed with them and left them a
more than generous thank you tip.
Then you walked in. Quick. Alone.
Took one look at me and moved
even quicker.
Did you change your number yet?
my head wanted me to call after
you. The taunt wouldn't do any
good. What's the point of
inflicting you just because you
take so much pleasure in
inflicting me? It might be the
natural instinct, to retaliate,
but I am old enough and tired
enough to know it won't do any
good. Nothing will do any good.
Nothing.
Broken, broken, broken.
Closed. Done. Goodby, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.
Never will.
I froze as you walked by, then
tried my hardest to focus on what
Melissa was saying. Work..
summer.. graduation... blah,
blah... I couldn't follow.
I didn't feel the usual rush of
adrenaline, my heart thudding and
lurching in my chest, my breath
catching, my throat constricting.
My eyes teared up, but they
didn't cry. I felt.........
despair. Defeat. This cold, dead
weight lump in my belly.
Levi, walking by.
Levi, not looking at me.
levi, not stopping.
Levi, not talking.
Levi, so unpenetratable.
At least you were alone, like on
Sunday. I feel slightly better,
because it is far more
excruciating when you are with a
big group of your jerk friends.
Have you discovered, again, that
they are not true friends? What
did they do to you this time? Or
maybe it's because they all have
girlfriends and you're too much a
coward to work at having one
yourself. I don't know.
Or I suppose it could be because
you are after some other girl. Is
that who you were glued to your
phone with in church? Is that who
you were heading to so fast?
And for some reason, as I come
home and furiously clean my room
and try to brace myself for
another everlasting day.....
I feel nothing.
Nothing but desapir.
Six. As in, a week. A whole
freaking week since I sat a
breath away from you at The West.
A breathless distance, my soul
both petrified in fear and
overwhelming hurt as well as
clinging to yours with as strong
a pull as ever. Your magnet,
remember? Or did you forget... or
not even care anymore to think
about. Well, I think about it. I
feel it still, when apparently
you don't. I feel it deeply.
A broken magnet, now. Always
broken, I guess. That's all I
ever am. It's like the
disentigration of the Naval
Academy dream literally altered
my chemical makeup so that now,
success is impossible. Broken.
Even a small week has an effect.
Did you know? Denial, utter
shock, the blur, the adrenaline,
the physical overload, the
spiritual vaccuum, the slow
motion.... numb. I noticed I stop
thinking, "if he doesn't love me
anymore" to "because he doesn't
love me anymore." And from "if he
ever comes back," to "because
he's never going to come back."
From, "like it will be again," to
"like it used to be." It wasn't
even a choice. I just woke up and
drove out of town and started
teaching and before I knew it, I
was talking to my kids about
Patrick and about the guy who
bought him for me, the guy who
loved me, the guy who left and is
gone. Gone, as in not coming
back; rather than gone as in
temporarily absent. My kids were
so kind. They loved Patrick. One
of the quiet little boys, Brett,
wrote a poem about Patrick. It
made me smile. At least someone
cares.
I didn't do so great on my
evaluation by Dr. Babuschak. I
didn't realize I needed to have a
lesson plan filled out for him to
grade. I had my working lesson
plan, spread out over the weeks
I've been teachign and the
remaining weeks, filled with
scribbles and scrawled notes,
aflutter with a rainbow of
stickynotes. He wasn't impressed
and went woefully to the back of
the room, shaking his head and
jotted oh-so-important things on
his paper. At least he said he
enjoyed the lesson, said it was
very unusual to have a class
respond so much, especially guys
to an English class, let alone a
writing class, and today we were
doing poetry to boot. I just
shrugged. They are good kids, I
said. Because it's true.
Eden's birthday is April 6th.
She'll be 14. I need to get her a
gift. I never see anyone else
from the MacIntosh household.
I was so tired, my legs trembled
by second hour. So tired of
standing, being in charge, doing
all the talking. I may be a good
public speaker and I may not be
afraid of crowds and I may have a
gift to teach... whatever.... I
don't have the endurance for
being the main act day after day,
hour after hour nonstop. I get
thirsty and nervous and so, so
tired.
Duke.
I got to focus on him a little
during seatwork time. He plays
guitar, bass, piano. Not any band
instruments. Here are some of his
poems, because I'm sure you're
sick of reading my own words by
now.
This is an acrostic poem.
GUITAR
Gently hand crafted
Uses you
In
The
Art of playing and
Reading music
These are ABC poems.
An American
Boy
Cowardly
Dances to the
Extravagent song in the key of
F
I told him a little about my
pitiful piano skills, about my
violin teacher quitting on me
because she said I was a waste of
her time.
At the end of class, Duke raised
his hand and said he wanted to
read a poem he'd been working on
while zoning out on my lecture on
connotation/denotation.
It was another ABC.
Amazingly, she
Blossoms, she
Certainly loves
Dogs, she
Engcourages your
Feelings
Greatly with
Happiness and
Intimate
Joy,
Kindly
Loves,
Miss
Noelle
O'Brien is the best
Person.
I about bawled in class, in front
of 35 kids. I had to make it not
a big deal. It was our secret,
his and mine. I've got your back,
Duke.
Sandy Chambers, my teacher, told
me that Duke is restless because
he lives so far away that he can
never socialize with his
classmates, have them over, etc.
His parents are pulling him at
the end of the year and putting
him in a public school closer so
that he can start having
friendships. I felt this huge
sadness, this despair, that I
will never see him again and have
no way to ever contact him. I
wish I could know him longer. I
don't want him to walk out of my
life. I shouldn't have gotten
attached. Why did I let myself do
it? I don't know why.
Broken, that's why.
Broken.
First day of the new celebration.
C2, 2013. Hello, pasta. Rustic
Penne Bolognese. Tortellini
Alfredo. Buttered Noodles. Pesto
Cavascchati. I was on line all
night, and it was rough. So much
to do, and not enough time. 45
minutes in the freezer just
pulling pastas to thaw for the
next day and daydotting them and
junk.
Kendon took Bro. Rick out to
lunch today to the Charleston's
Steakhouse, so Gabby drove me to
work. She is tired and sick. It
seems like everyone is sick, and
I haven't even had a sniffle. I
guess I should thank God, but all
I feel is the irony. Of course I
should be healthy now that it
benefits no one but me.
Steven called, and Nina. I can't
figure out what is bugging him,
but he is so down. I wish I could
give him a hug. He sent me a box
in the mail. Just little things I
miss from home.
Ukraine.
I want to go back. It's been on
my mind since you left me, the
day you asked me to pray about
going to Ukraine to help my
parents. Now going back isn't an
option for me, because it is what
you always pushed. "I want you to
be at home," you would say. I
never understood it. Maybe even
way back then, it was your way of
saying that you didn't want me.
You didn't want to be responsible
for me. I was blind, I guess.
Mary and I talked dogs. I found a
canine protection training
academy here in town. I don't
know how much it costs, but they
train your dog to protect your
person if you ever feel
threatened. I am so in. That's
exactly why I'm getting a
malamute when I graduate. Big,
half wolf, brave. The other
reason... so I can feel someone
love me again, loyally.
Unconditionally. Without reserve.
Without perameters. No matter
what kind of day I've had. No
arguments, not mind games, no
crap. Someone to cuddle, to hold
when I cry to sleep. The nice
thing about Mary's house is that
she's always had big dogs that
lived indoors, and she's all for
me getting a malamute. That's a
blessing.
Two more days till dorm day.
Remember last semester? Of course
you do. But of course you don't
think about it. The kisses.. the
warmth... falling asleep...
sweet, amazing slumber snuggled
next to you. I was such a fool.
Kari returned my pass and told me
to come in. Like when? I'm only
on campus for 30 minutes max and
it's when she's off at lunch. I
got four hours this week. Not
being in devos (I fell asleep)
and not having my Bible in devos
(I had just walked in from work).
Thanks, jerks. I feel like Duke.
I want to leave this place.
I saw you today.
Wearing that stupid tan suit.
I didn't mean to, for once.
Checked to see if I got my pass
back, and was walking to my dorm
when Melissa caught me just as I
was trying to escape. It was
awkward, standing there trying to
have a conversation when my head
was screaming at her to shut up
so I could go. It was nice to
know that she cares in her own
way. Of course, since mom and dad
stayed with them and left them a
more than generous thank you tip.
Then you walked in. Quick. Alone.
Took one look at me and moved
even quicker.
Did you change your number yet?
my head wanted me to call after
you. The taunt wouldn't do any
good. What's the point of
inflicting you just because you
take so much pleasure in
inflicting me? It might be the
natural instinct, to retaliate,
but I am old enough and tired
enough to know it won't do any
good. Nothing will do any good.
Nothing.
Broken, broken, broken.
Closed. Done. Goodby, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.
Never will.
I froze as you walked by, then
tried my hardest to focus on what
Melissa was saying. Work..
summer.. graduation... blah,
blah... I couldn't follow.
I didn't feel the usual rush of
adrenaline, my heart thudding and
lurching in my chest, my breath
catching, my throat constricting.
My eyes teared up, but they
didn't cry. I felt.........
despair. Defeat. This cold, dead
weight lump in my belly.
Levi, walking by.
Levi, not looking at me.
levi, not stopping.
Levi, not talking.
Levi, so unpenetratable.
At least you were alone, like on
Sunday. I feel slightly better,
because it is far more
excruciating when you are with a
big group of your jerk friends.
Have you discovered, again, that
they are not true friends? What
did they do to you this time? Or
maybe it's because they all have
girlfriends and you're too much a
coward to work at having one
yourself. I don't know.
Or I suppose it could be because
you are after some other girl. Is
that who you were glued to your
phone with in church? Is that who
you were heading to so fast?
And for some reason, as I come
home and furiously clean my room
and try to brace myself for
another everlasting day.....
I feel nothing.
Nothing but desapir.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Day Five
I'm going to join a gym today, I told myself when my alarm went off. I had just enough time to get dressed - throwing on whatever yanked off the hangers first - and ran out to my car. Cold, cold, cold leather of the Bonneville against my shivering body. Darkness.
But it was peaceful... the solitude. All 45$ a week in gas so worth it for the solitude. My car. My speed. My music. My temperature. My route. Stupid shallow fat senior girls. I put on Owl City, set the temp control for 94 degrees, and cruised along at 15 over the speed limit. Heck, a speeding ticket wouldn't even make me blink right now. I feel nothing but the cold.
Teaching had a major bump: Duke.
Handsome, sweet Duke. Sitting in the back row with his arms crossed, annoyed and disgusted. The first student to openly complain about my teaching. Not my teaching really, but my subject matter. Not that he didn't like writing either - he feels mad at his peers. His tastes differ from thiers and he is mad because he has to write and read it aloud. He'd rather not write at all.
I see myself mirrored in his rebellious face. Mad at the school, at my stupid peers, willing myself to not even graduate if I could just get away from it all.
I tried to reach out to him. I gave a 20-minute lecture about minority opinion and the power of the underdog finding a voice. His expression and crossed-arm stance never changed, but I tried.
I feel I failed.
Duke, I'm so sorry.
I want to quit, too.
I drove straight to Rockwell and signed up at the gym. Key fab, Australian Gold tanning lotion, sign up fee and first month payment, and I was a whopping 250$ poorer. And the school bill is due this week, dang. I only got paied 440$ for the past two weeks of work. Double dang.
The girls at the gym were really nice.
I ran a mile - a mile, babe! It's been so long. I'd forgotten what a long distance that is to actually accomplish. I also ran it at an incline. No music, just me and my hurt and my determination. I texted my dad about the mile, knowing he'd approve. He did. It felt nice.... in a way. I'm not sure how anything feels right now.
Then to work out - abs, back, biceps. Holy cow! Babe. I have nooooooo bicep strength. It was pathetic, major time. Really. You'd have laughed at me and then went "Awwww...!" and cuddled me close, I'm sure. Then kissed my hair and told me to keep at it. I would have smiled, turned around and kept trying. In reality, I just stared blankly at the wall, flinched against the physical exertion, and forced another rep. The wall stared blankly back at me, indifferent to whether I kept going or walked away. I kept going for lack of anything better to do.
I tanned.
Now that was an experience. Apparently 5 minutes was too long, even with the lotion. I burned to a crisp. My neck, under my chin? Blistered and peeling. My collarbone, down my chest, down my belly? Sensitive areas for sure, red and angry. My legs showed no sign of even having come in contact with sunlight. They were as white and pale as normal. I hate my soft, pudgy legs. I wish they were lean and tan and gorgeous. If this 250$ commitment indicates anything, by gosh I'll get them there.
Work all night... hanging up banners with Dawn, getting ready for bread bash.
She pulled me aside to ask how I was doing personally. Poor Dawn thought I'd blocked her on FB since I deleted my account. We talked about shift leader, about the future, about good stuff. I should have told her the truth about what I think about losing my prep specialist position, but I walked away feeling nothing. I didn't care. What did it matter? It didn't matter. No one cares. Why should I.
So tired.
My roommates avoid me. I don't blame them. I tear into my dorm cleaning and finish my closet and desk. I need to go through my clothes and start throwing stuff away so I can get packed up to leave. I can't wait to move into Mary's. I can't wait.
Curfew came too soon. I crawled wearily into bed, aware that tomorrow I will get evaluated for the first time and completley unprepared.
I'll figure it out tomorrow, I thought to myself. Right now all I cared about was my big down comforter. Please, please, darkness and softness and unconsciousness... swallow me up from reality.
But it was peaceful... the solitude. All 45$ a week in gas so worth it for the solitude. My car. My speed. My music. My temperature. My route. Stupid shallow fat senior girls. I put on Owl City, set the temp control for 94 degrees, and cruised along at 15 over the speed limit. Heck, a speeding ticket wouldn't even make me blink right now. I feel nothing but the cold.
Teaching had a major bump: Duke.
Handsome, sweet Duke. Sitting in the back row with his arms crossed, annoyed and disgusted. The first student to openly complain about my teaching. Not my teaching really, but my subject matter. Not that he didn't like writing either - he feels mad at his peers. His tastes differ from thiers and he is mad because he has to write and read it aloud. He'd rather not write at all.
I see myself mirrored in his rebellious face. Mad at the school, at my stupid peers, willing myself to not even graduate if I could just get away from it all.
I tried to reach out to him. I gave a 20-minute lecture about minority opinion and the power of the underdog finding a voice. His expression and crossed-arm stance never changed, but I tried.
I feel I failed.
Duke, I'm so sorry.
I want to quit, too.
I drove straight to Rockwell and signed up at the gym. Key fab, Australian Gold tanning lotion, sign up fee and first month payment, and I was a whopping 250$ poorer. And the school bill is due this week, dang. I only got paied 440$ for the past two weeks of work. Double dang.
The girls at the gym were really nice.
I ran a mile - a mile, babe! It's been so long. I'd forgotten what a long distance that is to actually accomplish. I also ran it at an incline. No music, just me and my hurt and my determination. I texted my dad about the mile, knowing he'd approve. He did. It felt nice.... in a way. I'm not sure how anything feels right now.
Then to work out - abs, back, biceps. Holy cow! Babe. I have nooooooo bicep strength. It was pathetic, major time. Really. You'd have laughed at me and then went "Awwww...!" and cuddled me close, I'm sure. Then kissed my hair and told me to keep at it. I would have smiled, turned around and kept trying. In reality, I just stared blankly at the wall, flinched against the physical exertion, and forced another rep. The wall stared blankly back at me, indifferent to whether I kept going or walked away. I kept going for lack of anything better to do.
I tanned.
Now that was an experience. Apparently 5 minutes was too long, even with the lotion. I burned to a crisp. My neck, under my chin? Blistered and peeling. My collarbone, down my chest, down my belly? Sensitive areas for sure, red and angry. My legs showed no sign of even having come in contact with sunlight. They were as white and pale as normal. I hate my soft, pudgy legs. I wish they were lean and tan and gorgeous. If this 250$ commitment indicates anything, by gosh I'll get them there.
Work all night... hanging up banners with Dawn, getting ready for bread bash.
She pulled me aside to ask how I was doing personally. Poor Dawn thought I'd blocked her on FB since I deleted my account. We talked about shift leader, about the future, about good stuff. I should have told her the truth about what I think about losing my prep specialist position, but I walked away feeling nothing. I didn't care. What did it matter? It didn't matter. No one cares. Why should I.
So tired.
My roommates avoid me. I don't blame them. I tear into my dorm cleaning and finish my closet and desk. I need to go through my clothes and start throwing stuff away so I can get packed up to leave. I can't wait to move into Mary's. I can't wait.
Curfew came too soon. I crawled wearily into bed, aware that tomorrow I will get evaluated for the first time and completley unprepared.
I'll figure it out tomorrow, I thought to myself. Right now all I cared about was my big down comforter. Please, please, darkness and softness and unconsciousness... swallow me up from reality.
Day Four
A blur. Darkness, screaming, running endlessly in the same direction. Sheets, headboard, phone. Empty phone. More darkness. Phone, messages, Levi. Levi, please. Levi help. Trembling fingers. Floor, hard, cold, solid. Warm, slow tears. A blur again.
I didn't want to go to school again. Late. Cold, shaky, a slight fever. I couldn't figure out what to wear. I couldn't remember what I was supposed to teach what class, where we left off, what problems I would face, what time things happened. My roommates laughed at me about the nightmares. "Levi, I'm so fat and you're in sin- God isn't happy!" Micah had recorded it on her phone, the conversation with my demons was so loud.
The song on the radio, She Loves Me Like Jesus, didn't help. What was the point?
The sunrise over the downtown didn't happen. It was an hour earlier than normal. The city was angry, black, flat. Cars coming into the city made a blinding stream of white. I rolled past a big accident, smoke still rising from the shattered engine, cops not on the scene yet. I couldn't stop the wish that it was me, but knew from past experience with Andrea that the worst wreck wouldn't change anyone but me.
We talked.
Talked... as in I pleaded, you yelled. Pitiful, really.
7:16am March 11, 2013, Monday
Me: I love you still.
My Boyfriend :) Your dad does not want us talking. Please dont
Me: I'm not leaving you. I'm not. I love you.
My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him?
Me: I'd rather you call me. He knows how I feel already. I'm praying you come back, every day. I need my Levi.
My Boyfriend :) No that is why we talked. no more. Dont make me call him again
Me: I don't understand why you don't love me. Why? Why did you change? I didn't change. I will NEVER stop loving you. I'm not built that way. I will love you no matter how much you hate me.
Me: I'm not trying to corner you :'( I'm trying to pray for you. But it hurts. I miss you oh so much. I lovest thou you.
My Boyfriend :) That was the reason we talked at the west. Closure.. something u desired so greatly with Brandon that sparked all of this. The west was closure Noelle focus on God. Not on me
Me: You left me because of Brandon???!!!! LEVI PIERCE FOWLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want him one iota!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE. Believe me. PLEASE. I stopped talking to him when you asked!!!!!!!!!! I never ever wanted to bring him in between us!!!! I don't want him at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even chase him when he left me but I've been praying for you every day since you left me!!! Levi!!!!!!
My Boyfriend :) I didn't say he was the source did I.. that was the whole point of the west closure. Closed. Done. Now please stop focusing on me. Its against your dads will you cant tell me you obey him when ur blatantly disobeying right now. I have to go right now. Just focus on God
Me: He never once said I couldn't write you, not once, never. You inferred Brandon... I really don't want him, just you. I focus on God - we are closer now that I pray for you every morning. I'm NOT leaving you Levi. Everyone has walked out on you I'm NOT going to do the same. I know you need time. I'm praying for that. I just want to remind you on MY hardest days that I love you.
My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him so that he will say writing as well? Goodbye Noelle I'll change my number now
Me: Why do you hate me for loving you?
Me: I guess I understand how Jesus felt. Hated and rejected by the ones he loved for supposedly no reason.
Me: I'm sorry I make you so upset. I'm in denial, I guess. I love you - you said. How can I know - I asked. Trust me - you said. I did trust you. I just won't want to be like your mom, your dad, Nikki, I am just different and I don't think I can really stop loving you Levi. I can't do it.
7:55am March 11, 2013 Monday
It was the first time you've threatened me since you left, but not the first time ever. You threaten all the time to call my dad as if you don't have a clue that I'm not afraid of that. My dad listens, trusts, and respects me. We don't have problems discussing our differences anymore... not since the car wreck, anyways. I wonder if you threaten it because it would have scared Nikki? Or maybe it's just the huge clue in that you feel powerless so you're trying to revert to someone who you think has more power? Maybe it's a sign of your own weakness.
You said "call him again." Again. As in, when? That phrase still stands out to me. When did you call him the first time?
I tried so hard to shout of my loyalty because I am terrified it is shattering all over the place and I can't grasp it in my head. It just doesn't make sense. Not my Levi.
It's the first time you've brought of Brandon. Also the first time that you've mentioned the idea of "what started all this." I find it highly peculiar that you meantioned them both in the same sentence, at the same time, for the first time, all together. Although you went on to vaguely deny it, I still feel that there is something there. In fact, I have a feeling that there is a LOT there. That you may be pretending like this is some huge spiritual revelation to leave me... but in truth, I feel bitterness in you. Hate. Resentment. Jealousy and.... cruelty? Horrible words, I know. They don't describe you, but the emotions I feel coming from you through your words and actions. Could it be that you are so mad at me over Brandon that you are trying to punish me in the very worse way you know how? If so......... holy cow, Levi. ='(
I also notice that after each heartfelt, passionate cry of mine you respond so.... coolly, untouched... it's amazing. Again, you tried to take me back to my dad. I don't know what he said to you but I guess he left you with the impression that we were forbidden to communicate? You sure tried to act like it, accusing me of a whole lot and the pathetic part is my dad never said anything of the sort to me. I find it so ironic, so... sad. It is also the most passionate outburst you have... the words you used? blatant disobedience. against your dads will.
I love how at the end you didn't even respond to anything I said - that I was trying to give you time, that I was trying to pray for you... you just bit my head off. "writing as well" you said... meaning my dad must have given you definitely orders about talking, then.
Closed. Done. Goodbye, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.......................................
I don't remember what happened for the rest of today. Work, I guess. But I am in shock, like a blow to my guts. Can't breathe, can't think, can't swallow.
Forever, Levi?
You really hate me?
You'll never love me, forever?
Oh, God.
I didn't want to go to school again. Late. Cold, shaky, a slight fever. I couldn't figure out what to wear. I couldn't remember what I was supposed to teach what class, where we left off, what problems I would face, what time things happened. My roommates laughed at me about the nightmares. "Levi, I'm so fat and you're in sin- God isn't happy!" Micah had recorded it on her phone, the conversation with my demons was so loud.
The song on the radio, She Loves Me Like Jesus, didn't help. What was the point?
The sunrise over the downtown didn't happen. It was an hour earlier than normal. The city was angry, black, flat. Cars coming into the city made a blinding stream of white. I rolled past a big accident, smoke still rising from the shattered engine, cops not on the scene yet. I couldn't stop the wish that it was me, but knew from past experience with Andrea that the worst wreck wouldn't change anyone but me.
We talked.
Talked... as in I pleaded, you yelled. Pitiful, really.
7:16am March 11, 2013, Monday
Me: I love you still.
My Boyfriend :) Your dad does not want us talking. Please dont
Me: I'm not leaving you. I'm not. I love you.
My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him?
Me: I'd rather you call me. He knows how I feel already. I'm praying you come back, every day. I need my Levi.
My Boyfriend :) No that is why we talked. no more. Dont make me call him again
Me: I don't understand why you don't love me. Why? Why did you change? I didn't change. I will NEVER stop loving you. I'm not built that way. I will love you no matter how much you hate me.
Me: I'm not trying to corner you :'( I'm trying to pray for you. But it hurts. I miss you oh so much. I lovest thou you.
My Boyfriend :) That was the reason we talked at the west. Closure.. something u desired so greatly with Brandon that sparked all of this. The west was closure Noelle focus on God. Not on me
Me: You left me because of Brandon???!!!! LEVI PIERCE FOWLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want him one iota!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE. Believe me. PLEASE. I stopped talking to him when you asked!!!!!!!!!! I never ever wanted to bring him in between us!!!! I don't want him at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even chase him when he left me but I've been praying for you every day since you left me!!! Levi!!!!!!
My Boyfriend :) I didn't say he was the source did I.. that was the whole point of the west closure. Closed. Done. Now please stop focusing on me. Its against your dads will you cant tell me you obey him when ur blatantly disobeying right now. I have to go right now. Just focus on God
Me: He never once said I couldn't write you, not once, never. You inferred Brandon... I really don't want him, just you. I focus on God - we are closer now that I pray for you every morning. I'm NOT leaving you Levi. Everyone has walked out on you I'm NOT going to do the same. I know you need time. I'm praying for that. I just want to remind you on MY hardest days that I love you.
My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him so that he will say writing as well? Goodbye Noelle I'll change my number now
Me: Why do you hate me for loving you?
Me: I guess I understand how Jesus felt. Hated and rejected by the ones he loved for supposedly no reason.
Me: I'm sorry I make you so upset. I'm in denial, I guess. I love you - you said. How can I know - I asked. Trust me - you said. I did trust you. I just won't want to be like your mom, your dad, Nikki, I am just different and I don't think I can really stop loving you Levi. I can't do it.
7:55am March 11, 2013 Monday
It was the first time you've threatened me since you left, but not the first time ever. You threaten all the time to call my dad as if you don't have a clue that I'm not afraid of that. My dad listens, trusts, and respects me. We don't have problems discussing our differences anymore... not since the car wreck, anyways. I wonder if you threaten it because it would have scared Nikki? Or maybe it's just the huge clue in that you feel powerless so you're trying to revert to someone who you think has more power? Maybe it's a sign of your own weakness.
You said "call him again." Again. As in, when? That phrase still stands out to me. When did you call him the first time?
I tried so hard to shout of my loyalty because I am terrified it is shattering all over the place and I can't grasp it in my head. It just doesn't make sense. Not my Levi.
It's the first time you've brought of Brandon. Also the first time that you've mentioned the idea of "what started all this." I find it highly peculiar that you meantioned them both in the same sentence, at the same time, for the first time, all together. Although you went on to vaguely deny it, I still feel that there is something there. In fact, I have a feeling that there is a LOT there. That you may be pretending like this is some huge spiritual revelation to leave me... but in truth, I feel bitterness in you. Hate. Resentment. Jealousy and.... cruelty? Horrible words, I know. They don't describe you, but the emotions I feel coming from you through your words and actions. Could it be that you are so mad at me over Brandon that you are trying to punish me in the very worse way you know how? If so......... holy cow, Levi. ='(
I also notice that after each heartfelt, passionate cry of mine you respond so.... coolly, untouched... it's amazing. Again, you tried to take me back to my dad. I don't know what he said to you but I guess he left you with the impression that we were forbidden to communicate? You sure tried to act like it, accusing me of a whole lot and the pathetic part is my dad never said anything of the sort to me. I find it so ironic, so... sad. It is also the most passionate outburst you have... the words you used? blatant disobedience. against your dads will.
I love how at the end you didn't even respond to anything I said - that I was trying to give you time, that I was trying to pray for you... you just bit my head off. "writing as well" you said... meaning my dad must have given you definitely orders about talking, then.
Closed. Done. Goodbye, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.......................................
I don't remember what happened for the rest of today. Work, I guess. But I am in shock, like a blow to my guts. Can't breathe, can't think, can't swallow.
Forever, Levi?
You really hate me?
You'll never love me, forever?
Oh, God.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Day Three, Part II
Part II
It is so cold. I didn't realize.
I went to to the car for church,
and Kendon had locked the
Bonneville and taken the keys
with him. I was late. Great. Had
to walk all the way to the guys
dorm and wait for him in the
peircing wind. I could see
Santanna right up front. Hi,
Santanna. I miss curling up in
you. Please keep my Levi safe.
After choir, Bro Don didn't have
time for tryouts. A wasn't sure
whether to feel relieved or not.
Time to kill... and no idea what
to do. Usually, I would go take a
nap. But I had slept all morning.
I headed out to the car anyways
just to get warm and listen to
music. But I knew that if I sat
there, I would just be waiting to
see you arrive. I miss you so
much. It's not fair. Why do I
miss you but you don't miss me
any more? I can't understand it.
My Levi would miss me. He just
would.
I drove to starbucks. A cinnamin
dolce latte... but I wanted to
try something else. Something
different, anything. Caramel
macchiata sounded good, add whip.
It wasn't as great as my
cinnamin, but I wanted the
change. I tried their spinach
feta wrap - I swear I'm a sucker
for gormet food - and it was
nasty. Babe, watch out. UGH. Like
watery tofu. Nastyyyyyyyy.
I came back and saw you hanging
out up front. I had to wonder.
You never did that before. Who is
it exactly that you're talking
to. Tim, it looked like. I didn't
recognize anyone else. You looked
soooo dang sharp. Hair styled.
That new tan suit that I never
got to ask you about. You went to
sit alone. Alone? Where was your
new freshman friend? Or was that
a one time thing? My mind was
running a million directions.
Really, I'm not sure if you want
to hear it. Why are you sitting
alone, babe? Is it a statement
that now you're free from all
responsibilities? Are you
hurting? Did your friends not
have room for you? Or is it
because Amanda is sitting the
next row over, just like last
week and the week before
that...... I didn't know what to
think. I'm stumped.
I did see you on your phone non
stop. Hmmm. Facebook that
intruiging now? Or are you
texting someone? Who? Who is
distracting you to pieces right
in church? I was confused. Sad.
For all the times you ignore my
texts, you're glued to your
phone. IT hurt, deeply.
Did you see me in choir, babe? I
didn't want to look at you and
make you sad. It was hard to sing
such a preppy song, but the words
made me sad, too. Foreign lands
need Jesus.... how could you
forget Ukraine? They need help so
badly.
During handshake time, you left.
I never saw you come back. Did
you go find friends to sit with?
Take off to meet that person you
were texting? Or just leave? I
wish I knew.
I had to leave early myself for
Bread bash. I didn't see Santanna
anywhere. I looked. I will always
look.
On the way, it was so cold out.
Dark was falling. On Rockwell and
16th, I saw a mom and two young
boys walking along the side of
the road. They were white.
Bundled in hooodies with hoods
up. The wind was so cold. I felt
a huge streak of grief. A mom and
two boys walking. It reminded me
of your stories when you were
with you mom. It broke my heart.
That is who my Levi is to me. Not
that cool as ice, popular as
heck, untouchable Heartland stiff
who has no commitment or respect.
But the one in the silly bean
hat, broke beyond broke,
struggling from a hard life, as
real and deep and precious as
I've ever encountered in my
entire life. That is who I miss.
I miss him so much. He inspired
me. He opened my eyes like no one
ever did. I don't want some suit
from Heartland who can joke the
jokes and preach the sermons and
jive with all the guys and have
perfect hair and an emptiness in
his eyes. I want my Levi who
didn't have time to do his hair
and tried his best to make do
with what he had, but who loved
God and loved me and wanted to
help others. He inspired me, and
he captured my heart. He was
different than anyone I'd ever
met at Bible college. He wasn't
like any of the others.
Joy called me over to her. I
really like the Hintons. John and
Mallory. Joy, especially. She
introduced me to her younger
sister, Jone. Yes, Jone, not
Jane. Joney (Jonie for short) was
really cute. I wondered vaguely
if she and Kendon would get
together someday. She seemed very
sweet. JOy asked me how it went
with you when my parents were
here. When she heard the nutshell
version, she offered to send John
to go talk to you. It make me
laugh, and start crying. I miss
Steven. He'd straighten you out
like a peice of wire. But I
couldn't bear to do anything to
you. I love you. I just want to
help you while you go through
this time... but you don't want
me to be there. So I don't know
what to do. I'm so lost.
On the way to Panera, Kendon
played me Russian songs. He knows
how badly I am hurting. He went
into Oncue but told me, "This is
a song I got when Ruslana left
me." I was at college when he met
and fell in love with Ruslana, a
blonde girl from Dneprepetrovsk.
They were together for a year?
And then she left him. I know it
broke his heart, but he greives
quietly. I squeezed his hand. We
don't share a lot of words, but
we have developed such a close
relationship with what you did to
me. Suddenly, the playful
freshman kid is now a quieter,
kinder brother to me. It isn't
Steven, but it means so much.
I miss my Russian music. I miss
the beat of it as I trip down the
cobblestone streets of Sumskaya
downtown, dash into coffee cafes,
shop in the boutiques. I don't
miss the poverty, but I miss the
feeling. Leather, high heels,
lipstick. The song he played for
me said, 'ti ne moi geroi. Eta ne
igra.' which translates, 'you
aren't my hero and this isn't a
game.' It was a sad song. But you
will always be my hero.
Then he played Low by FloRida and
T-Pain. Haha I love that song! A
club mix. "The whole club was
looking at her....!" It stirs my
blood. Like Johhny Cash
prescribed, If you feel blue,
just get rhythm. It helps, in a
way.
Oh. At church in the foyer I ran
into Michelle Grimm and Jenna
Anderson. My original Panera
girls. I wish I had time to hang
out and just talk work and life.
They are looking great. I wish I
felt as great.
Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore.
The verse from Isaiah 54 is still
in my head. God called a women
forsaken and greived in spirit. I
feel so engulfed in this grief.
The tears, the pain, the sheer
betrayal. But God can still use
me... somehow....
I think of Regine's Book.
Today I googled literary agents.
I want to see my book published.
Bread bash was okay. Angie hugged
me sooooo tight. I hung out with
her and Kayla and Kelsey. Angie
said she might come next
Sunday!!! It made me so excited,
in a small way. Any emotion is
small in me right now.
Graduation is 66 days. No
kidding. That's exactly this
semester all over again. In a
way, it gives me hope. If you
could leave me and be so far away
in 60 days.... could you come
back in 60 more? That is my
prayer. Not going to lie. When I
wake up, that is my prayer. That
God would change me in any way he
needs to so that I can be the
girl for you. And that God would
change you so that you can be the
man for me. That he would do it
in 60 days. I pray for his will,
ultimately... which is a hard
prayer to pray and mean it... but
I do mean it. I just feel
convinced in my heart that when I
prayed about you when we were
courting, and even before, that
he meant it when he gave me
peace. So my prayer is that God
will do with me whatever he needs
and do with you whatever it takes
to bring you back before I
graduate.... so that I can
graduate with a smile, and not
with grief in my eyes.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
I love you still.
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