Day Eight

Last day before spring break. Finally, a break. My scorched, parched soul was thirsting for a give, for anything. So ready to quit.
I had my best day at school today. No wonder since everyone was happy about spring break and we watched a movie in class. But we also had donuts because Maddie isn't coming back to school after the break =( and I got to teach another class for the first time, six hour. I met my little brother, Cameron O'Brien, who has been looking forward to meeting me since seeing my name on the board that I left up one morning. They are just as bouyant as first hour but not so... obnoxious. They were really, super, sweet! They had so many questions for me and the two boys right up front leaned forward and talked to me the whole time. It was so wonderful, I felt so welcome and comfortable! I loved it.
I spent all day at the school today, which meant till 5pm. 7am-5pm is a long, long day. Had my first teacher's luncheon, fourth, fifth, sixth hour, and cheer practice. All I can say is I don't like route teaching but I really enjoyed the experience today. Especially, especially, the cheerleading. It was tryouts today - nervous parents, nervous girls in the back of a bus going on down there.. the wind, the sunshine, the trees blooming like crazy. A multi-billion dollar gymnasium. All glass and posh floors and just.... wow. Huge tumbling mats and cheerleading courts, on top of the rest of the normal basketball/track/etc facility. I know that you had all the jazz growing up in high school but... I never did. I litterally stood in hushed awe at such grandeur, the smell of floor polish lingering like the potential that could be born inside these four walls. I ached so badly that I had had the high school years I had dreamed. I would have loved to death being a cheerleader.
I felt woefully unattractive today when the cheer assistant coach and the tumbling judge showed up, all glammed up in flowy tulle, toned legs with a perfect tan glow, and immaculate hair. And pedicures. Babe. I wish I could afford routine pedicures and had a job where I could keep French manicures. Oh gosh. I would be so happy it would be crazy.
This day was so inspiring to the inner me. That stupid Naval Academy girl you told me to go be. I will never be her again, but I can still feel her in there. The problem is that every time I awaken her, I am just awakening inevitable anguish. Because I can never fulfill her dreams.
The guys in my class are most impressed by my vice presidential nomation to the Academy. They ask me a lot of questions. It's amazing to think it's been so long since I was their age, a sophomore in high school, dreaming that college would be the miraculous door to a successful, happy life. I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase these sad, dark, lonely, heartbreakingly tragic years. It's not fair. I lost my youth, and I'll never get it back.
You're never going to read this, are you?
I got written up for not having my bed made. Freaking roommates. I didn't turn the light on because I was trying to be nice, and my blankets are pitch black so I didn't see my bed was still all arumpled when I dashed out the door. It's so infuriating.
Something huge caught on fire today in Moore. I don't know what it was but the billows were so huge and wide in the sky that I could see it all the way from Reno Avenue two hours later. Incredible. Traffic was horrible, at a stand still. The sun would have been amazing (85 today) but the Bonneville has no AC. I was covered with sweat and struggling with a piercing migraine by the time I got back to campus. Dang.
Only to find out my spring break pass was never returned...... so I flipped out. My dad called Bro Heckle because the jerk Kari wouldn't answer her phone. I can't beleive this run around it's so stupid. It's wrong. Blatantly wrong. I guess I sign out without having my pass back because they are all gone for the weekend. Well, I'm gone too.
Saw your car. I went to WestGate to get away from the dorm day madness. I wouldn't mind helping but my team leader hasn't bothered to contact me. Her loss. Seeing your car hurt. So cheerful... bright and happy... I love Santanna. I love all the memories associated with her. I miss her. I miss having keys, being welcome. I'm no longer welcome. Rejected, abandoned... despised and hated. That is all that I am. Abandoned.
I keep thinking about your coworker.
"She had desperate pretty much written all over her face," one person said.
No kidding. She'd be a lucky girl to get to bask in the gentle warmth of your eyes and smile.
I just want to punch her face out. Yours, too.
How could you?
How could you?????????????????????
I don't know what to feel. The pain...... it's breathless. It cuts so deep. I feel despair even more keenly now. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I have less and less ability to even think straight about it all, let alone try to fix it.
I want to go over there and just tackle you to the ground and scream for answers.
But even the answers aren't going to make the situation different. Maybe they would give a clue on how to repair it, but, they wouldn't change what it is right now. You rejecting me. COmpletely. Ruthlessly. Nonstop.
I'm trying to figure things out, you know?
I was going to fast again but.... now I don't know if I should fast for you to come back or just fast for God to heal my butchered heart. I prayed and cried all the way to school this morning in the dark. God, help. I know You are the Healer. I know that every heartache has been divinely considered and allowed by your hands, even if it wasn't your original will. I know that GOd can make something good of all this.... but I don't know if you will make somethign good of Levi and me out of all this... or if it will just be another part in my heart that I will never be able to have back again. Another box I can never open. Another dream dead forever. You know what I want, God. I want Levi to come back. I want to see him smile again. I want to see him find your will, and find that peace that will totally transform him. That is what I want so badly. I know that it is your will and I pray every morning, and now tonight as well, that you will work this in him. Please orchestrate whatever events you need to to bring this to pass. Please help me not to get in the way, but to have the courage to act if you deem to use me. God.... I pray for me. For this horrible mountain of pain, agony, grief, and horror. God, it's so much bigger than me. Bigger than I can comprehend, bigger than I can process, and bigger than I can handle. God, I'm such a little girl. Please, hide me under your wings. Please, help me to cling even tighter each day to you as your wings sheild me from the consequences that Satan would like to bring to pass with this pain. God, help me to be like Job. To submit that you can take anything and anyone away from me. I do love you. I love you more than Levi, and if it was a choice, God, You know that I have chosen you. If it is your will to lead me down a different path than the one you showed me last year, than God, I need to see that. I need to see it clearly from YOU. I need to see it in Your Word and I need to hear it echoed in the hearts of my parents and counselors. And I need you to give me the strength and courage to let go of the dreams, the plans, the Levi box, and the billions of memories that will always live on in my heart. I need you to give me the grace to forgive him every day and the strength to keep my heart free from bitterness. Mostly, I need you to draw close to me in the dark realms of the despair and grief. I need to find my solace and my rebound in YOU. I need to know, really know, that you are here and that you still love me. And that I dont' deserve your love, but that you will never leave me or forsake me. THat you will never turn your back on me, never leave, never betray me, never reject me, never, ever. Thank you for this truth... thank you that there is one good in this universe. Thank you for existing... for being unchangeable. The same in Joseph's day... the same in mine. Thank you so much for listening to me every time I need you. You are never too busy. You are never unreachable at work. You are never too tired or too grumpy. You are always there. I pray that you will help me learn to be the same kind of friend back to you, God. Not just a servant with nothing in his heart but a real freind. God help me to always be ready to hear from you, and to embark on adventures and meaningful journeys with you. God, I need you to renew my spirit. I feel so parched and dry and....... all bled out. God, you bled out on calvary and in the garden, you know what it feels like. But you rose again. God, resurrect my soul. Breathe your spirit into mine and give me the strength to feel life again so that I can live for you, not for me. Living for me... focusing on me... it's so vain and pointless. God I just want to use whatever days I have left on this miserable ball of a planet for you. I want people to see you in me. I'm nothign but a broken, empty shell of a person that's been broken over and over again. God, I want them to see you. Help me to apply your fruits in my life every day, in every way. Thank you for giving Mrs Chambers to me. Thank you for her example... her inspiration in my life. God, help me to help my kids. Help me to care about them. God please use me to help Montreal, Duke, Cameron, Eden.... God please use me. Help me to see your will for my life. Show me the steps you want me to take to prepare myself for it, and to fulfill it. God, help me to draw close to my family and not pull away from them with this hurt. Thank you for them so much... thank you. Help me to truly honor my parents. Help me to be the encouragement that Steven needs, the friend Nina needs, the supporter Kendon needs, and the friend that Kat needs. Please help me back my dad proud. God.... you know my heart. You know that I ahve a huge cry, a request that I bring to you each morning. God, please. You have plans I can't see and you know everything so perfectly. You have let Levi leave for now.... God, please. Please bring him back. Please show me what needs to happen so we can be together again. God, help me to be the girl that Levi needs. The woman he will choose to never, ever leave again. The girl he will never ever choose to stop loving again. God, please. I know that being with him glorified you.... but I know that it could have glorified you more. God, I know that Satan doesn't want us together. He's attacking so hard. God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Levi will not rise to challenge Satan's attacks. He's fallen so hard, so far gone. God, I'm afraid that I will never be able to look past these four months he's hurt me. God, I know that to do so would be to emulate the kind of love that you have... God, I want to be that. I want to. Please, give me the chance. Please, trust me with that. Dear father.... I am nothing. I fail you every day. My thoughts, my words, my choices. God, help me to be stronger and better. God, give me the strength to go to church and listen when my body is exhausted. God, put blinders on my eyes so that I don't see Levi and let Satan use that to keep me away. God, please don't let Satan use him anymore to hurt me when I go to church. God, please help me to mean the songs that I sing in the choir. Thank you so much for letting me sing for you. Thank you for giving me my voice. I love glorifying you with it. You deserve all my song. Dear God... please show me an area of ministry that you could use me in. Please show me how I can minister to my students. To my teacher. To my roommates, and my Heartland acquaintances. To Karina back home in Ukraine. God, please make me the kind of Christian that Levi and my dad could be proud of. God, please help me to honor Heartland's rules even when I am so disallusioned by them. God, please...... you know the struggle. The age old temper that I have always wrestled with. God, if there is ever going to be a point when you get the victory over this, please make it now. I am tired of fighting with my flesh. God, sadness and surprise are my big weakensses. I don't react well to them. God, please help me be wise enough to guard my emotions when hurt and the unexpected come my way. Help me to choose to honor you, rather than fulfill the urge of the flesh. God, please, break in me the passion that leads to unrighteous anger. God, break in me the fury and rage that gives vent for the Devil. God, break in me the slow boil that eats away at the peace and forgiveness that you want to give to my life. God, this is so honest.... thank you for not judging me or turning away. Thank you that you actually already know all of this. God.... please help me to be more honest. God, I'm so proud. Give me the humility that will allow You to make me truly strong. God... this is so hard to apply to every day. Especially with the hurt I'm experiencing on a moment by moment basis from Levi.... God, help me.

God...... I know that Levi doesn't want me anymore. I feel uncertain that he will ever love me again. But if there is a way that you could regenerate his heart, and give him back those feelings for me, and inspire him to come back and ignite in him the courage to commit to being with me... God, that is my prayer. I have been praying this every day and I will continue to pray it every day until I graduate.... God, please. I want this to be here there was a written testiment to this prayer, because I know that if you chose to answer it, this would bring glory to your name. God, please. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust you. Help me to find the strength to keep hoping. Please, please, do what you need to bring Levi back. God... I want to be married to him in November like we had planned. Please? It might never come true.... God help me to accept that with all the grace than I can. I know that according to Is 54 you can use me, even when I am a "woman forsaken and greived in spirit." But God, you answered Hannah's prayer when she was stricken in greif, and you answered so many prayers throughout the Bible and history... even in my own life. I know that you can. Please, I am asking you. I am surrending myself to your will.... and petitioning for your mercy. God, take this cup from me. Return to me the love of my youth. Please.

I keep looking at your baby picture. At the earrings from your great grandmother. I keep looking, and I feel that deep magnet pull. It was so real. I listen to Maroon 5 and Owl City. And I pray. Oh, I pray.

I am going to keep applying for jobs.
I am going to keep sending my mansucript to publishers.
I am going to research the price for my malamute, Halcyon.
I am going to figure out a way to get myself to be as fit and toned and ready for summer as I can.
I am going to figure out invites to my graduation.
I am going to keep myself as busy as possible, and stay here until I can see Richard. Hopefully he bakes tonight.
I am going to swing by and say goodnight to Santanna. I hope you won't be there, as much as I hope that you will. Because I don't want to hurt you and make you angrier with me. I don't want to chase you farther away. I'm trying, babe.

Levi.
I love you still.

Day Seven

Day Seven.

I can't really remember the day

anymore. Overwhelmed by what I

learned tonight when I walked

into work. It changed everything.
How ironic that I was just

getting into the routine of it

all. Limping along, but still

moving at least if only at a

snail's pace. Wake up late, throw

together an outfit, keys, hot

chocolate, a blur of traffic,

cold cold leather seats. Teachers

meetings. Setup. Bells begin to

ring. Kids avalanche into my room

and it all begins.
Montreal.
I remember about him.
His poems are astounding. Dark,

sad, bitter, haunting. THe only

one in eighty-five kids who

doesn't go on and on about how

thier life is perfet and how they

are the coolest kid at school.
Apparently he's adopted,

recently. I know this is his

first year at CCS. I know he

comes from public school. I

didn't know that he watched his

father murder his little sister.
Murdered. Dead. A little girl,

killed by a man, and he had to

watch it. I can't even process

that kind of atrocity.... just

wow, wow, Montreal. Geeky, big-

glasses, always smiling but so

shyyyyy. His adopted mom wouldn't

let him bring his poem to class

because it talked about suicide.

They made him write something

more upbeat. I felt I disagreed.

He shouldn't have to pretend to

be like everyone else. Wrirint

those emotions can be a powerful

outlet. Sometimes it doesn't help

tho.... this whole blog feels

more and more like a waste of my

scantiful time. You're never

going to read any of this, are

you?
Empty words for an empty blog in

an empty world.
Why do writers write? I once

asked you so wistfully. So that

they can be read.....
And I will never be read.

I had a fight with Kari over my

spring break pass. Just when I

thought that I was done with

their crap, she called me in. "I

don't know these people," blah

blah. Because you have to know

every family friend of all the

students?! PUH-leeze. I'm over

21. I don't need parental

permission. Well, we are

requiring it anyway. JERKS. I

HATE THEM. Just try to stop me

from leaving this pathetic

campus.
Paid my fines.
Got out of there.
Ran into Michelle at the gym. She

was mad because some guy made fun

of her track record with

boyfriends. Well, it's true.

Someday she needs to face it. We

ran together and then I

suntanned, 5 minutes again. Took

a fast cool shower and gently

massaged in lotion. I felt so

good going into work......
.....and then I saw thier faces.
All the heartland girls, avoiding

me. Gabby finally spilled.
Levi has a girlfriend.
I remember when you threw the hot

chocolate on me, and Tia looked

at me and said, "There is another

girl. If not, just wait. The pain

you feel now is nothing compared

to that."
I didn't think she would ever be

right.
I remember what you said to me in

the West. Not looking to the

right or left. No girls.
You lied?
Okay.... I shouldn't really be so

shocked.... you've been lying for

months, to be honest. And if what

you say about the past two years

being a mistake, about Ukraine

being something you made up,

about every promise being fake,

then maybe it shouldn't surprise

me. Maybe there really was a

girl.
Mexican.
OF COURSE.
Brenda?
I know I'll never compete.
I'm not a graceful person... I'm

a 2am broken window, all the leap

days that never happened....
I walked around shocked,

literally like someone punched me

in the guts. Even Mary didn't

know what to say.
In PUBLIC?
In CHAPLE?
Is that who you were texting to?

Is that why you're "alone"? So

that you're "available"? Hav eyou

two been hanigng out at

Walmart??? Is your hard work

there really a big lie??? When

did it start???
THe pain... blsitering,

scorching.... violent.

No, no, no.

Day Six

Day six.
Six. As in, a week. A whole

freaking week since I sat a

breath away from you at The West.

A breathless distance, my soul

both petrified in fear and

overwhelming hurt as well as

clinging to yours with as strong

a pull as ever. Your magnet,

remember? Or did you forget... or

not even care anymore to think

about. Well, I think about it. I

feel it still, when apparently

you don't. I feel it deeply.
A broken magnet, now. Always

broken, I guess. That's all I

ever am. It's like the

disentigration of the Naval

Academy dream literally altered

my chemical makeup so that now,

success is impossible. Broken.
Even a small week has an effect.

Did you know? Denial, utter

shock, the blur, the adrenaline,

the physical overload, the

spiritual vaccuum, the slow

motion.... numb. I noticed I stop

thinking, "if he doesn't love me

anymore" to "because he doesn't

love me anymore." And from "if he

ever comes back," to "because

he's never going to come back."

From, "like it will be again," to

"like it used to be." It wasn't

even a choice. I just woke up and

drove out of town and started

teaching and before I knew it, I

was talking to my kids about

Patrick and about the guy who

bought him for me, the guy who

loved me, the guy who left and is

gone. Gone, as in not coming

back; rather than gone as in

temporarily absent. My kids were

so kind. They loved Patrick. One

of the quiet little boys, Brett,

wrote a poem about Patrick. It

made me smile. At least someone

cares.
I didn't do so great on my

evaluation by Dr. Babuschak. I

didn't realize I needed to have a

lesson plan filled out for him to

grade. I had my working lesson

plan, spread out over the weeks

I've been teachign and the

remaining weeks, filled with

scribbles and scrawled notes,

aflutter with a rainbow of

stickynotes. He wasn't impressed

and went woefully to the back of

the room, shaking his head and

jotted oh-so-important things on

his paper. At least he said he

enjoyed the lesson, said it was

very unusual to have a class

respond so much, especially guys

to an English class, let alone a

writing class, and today we were

doing poetry to boot. I just

shrugged. They are good kids, I

said. Because it's true.
Eden's birthday is April 6th.

She'll be 14. I need to get her a

gift. I never see anyone else

from the MacIntosh household.
I was so tired, my legs trembled

by second hour. So tired of

standing, being in charge, doing

all the talking. I may be a good

public speaker and I may not be

afraid of crowds and I may have a

gift to teach... whatever.... I

don't have the endurance for

being the main act day after day,

hour after hour nonstop. I get

thirsty and nervous and so, so

tired.
Duke.
I got to focus on him a little

during seatwork time. He plays

guitar, bass, piano. Not any band

instruments. Here are some of his

poems, because I'm sure you're

sick of reading my own words by

now.
This is an acrostic poem.

GUITAR
Gently hand crafted
Uses you
In
The
Art of playing and
Reading music

These are ABC poems.

An American
Boy
Cowardly
Dances to the
Extravagent song in the key of
F

I told him a little about my

pitiful piano skills, about my

violin teacher quitting on me

because she said I was a waste of

her time.

At the end of class, Duke raised

his hand and said he wanted to

read a poem he'd been working on

while zoning out on my lecture on

connotation/denotation.

It was another ABC.

Amazingly, she
Blossoms, she
Certainly loves
Dogs, she
Engcourages your
Feelings
Greatly with
Happiness and
Intimate
Joy,
Kindly
Loves,
Miss
Noelle
O'Brien is the best
Person.

I about bawled in class, in front

of 35 kids. I had to make it not

a big deal. It was our secret,

his and mine. I've got your back,

Duke.

Sandy Chambers, my teacher, told

me that Duke is restless because

he lives so far away that he can

never socialize with his

classmates, have them over, etc.

His parents are pulling him at

the end of the year and putting

him in a public school closer so

that he can start having

friendships. I felt this huge

sadness, this despair, that I

will never see him again and have

no way to ever contact him. I

wish I could know him longer. I

don't want him to walk out of my

life. I shouldn't have gotten

attached. Why did I let myself do

it? I don't know why.
Broken, that's why.
Broken.

First day of the new celebration.

C2, 2013. Hello, pasta. Rustic

Penne Bolognese. Tortellini

Alfredo. Buttered Noodles. Pesto

Cavascchati. I was on line all

night, and it was rough. So much

to do, and not enough time. 45

minutes in the freezer just

pulling pastas to thaw for the

next day and daydotting them and

junk.
Kendon took Bro. Rick out to

lunch today to the Charleston's

Steakhouse, so Gabby drove me to

work. She is tired and sick. It

seems like everyone is sick, and

I haven't even had a sniffle. I

guess I should thank God, but all

I feel is the irony. Of course I

should be healthy now that it

benefits no one but me.

Steven called, and Nina. I can't

figure out what is bugging him,

but he is so down. I wish I could

give him a hug. He sent me a box

in the mail. Just little things I

miss from home.
Ukraine.
I want to go back. It's been on

my mind since you left me, the

day you asked me to pray about

going to Ukraine to help my

parents. Now going back isn't an

option for me, because it is what

you always pushed. "I want you to

be at home," you would say. I

never understood it. Maybe even

way back then, it was your way of

saying that you didn't want me.

You didn't want to be responsible

for me. I was blind, I guess.

Mary and I talked dogs. I found a

canine protection training

academy here in town. I don't

know how much it costs, but they

train your dog to protect your

person if you ever feel

threatened. I am so in. That's

exactly why I'm getting a

malamute when I graduate. Big,

half wolf, brave. The other

reason... so I can feel someone

love me again, loyally.

Unconditionally. Without reserve.

Without perameters. No matter

what kind of day I've had. No

arguments, not mind games, no

crap. Someone to cuddle, to hold

when I cry to sleep. The nice

thing about Mary's house is that

she's always had big dogs that

lived indoors, and she's all for

me getting a malamute. That's a

blessing.

Two more days till dorm day.

Remember last semester? Of course

you do. But of course you don't

think about it. The kisses.. the

warmth... falling asleep...

sweet, amazing slumber snuggled

next to you. I was such a fool.

Kari returned my pass and told me

to come in. Like when? I'm only

on campus for 30 minutes max and

it's when she's off at lunch. I

got four hours this week. Not

being in devos (I fell asleep)

and not having my Bible in devos

(I had just walked in from work).

Thanks, jerks. I feel like Duke.

I want to leave this place.

I saw you today.
Wearing that stupid tan suit.
I didn't mean to, for once.

Checked to see if I got my pass

back, and was walking to my dorm

when Melissa caught me just as I

was trying to escape. It was

awkward, standing there trying to

have a conversation when my head

was screaming at her to shut up

so I could go. It was nice to

know that she cares in her own

way. Of course, since mom and dad

stayed with them and left them a

more than generous thank you tip.

Then you walked in. Quick. Alone.

Took one look at me and moved

even quicker.
Did you change your number yet?

my head wanted me to call after

you. The taunt wouldn't do any

good. What's the point of

inflicting you just because you

take so much pleasure in

inflicting me? It might be the

natural instinct, to retaliate,

but I am old enough and tired

enough to know it won't do any

good. Nothing will do any good.

Nothing.
Broken, broken, broken.
Closed. Done. Goodby, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.
Never will.
I froze as you walked by, then

tried my hardest to focus on what

Melissa was saying. Work..

summer.. graduation... blah,

blah... I couldn't follow.
I didn't feel the usual rush of

adrenaline, my heart thudding and

lurching in my chest, my breath

catching, my throat constricting.
My eyes teared up, but they

didn't cry. I felt.........

despair. Defeat. This cold, dead

weight lump in my belly.
Levi, walking by.
Levi, not looking at me.
levi, not stopping.
Levi, not talking.
Levi, so unpenetratable.

At least you were alone, like on

Sunday. I feel slightly better,

because it is far more

excruciating when you are with a

big group of your jerk friends.
Have you discovered, again, that

they are not true friends? What

did they do to you this time? Or

maybe it's because they all have

girlfriends and you're too much a

coward to work at having one

yourself. I don't know.
Or I suppose it could be because

you are after some other girl. Is

that who you were glued to your

phone with in church? Is that who

you were heading to so fast?

And for some reason, as I come

home and furiously clean my room

and try to brace myself for

another everlasting day.....
I feel nothing.
Nothing but desapir.

Day Five

I'm going to join a gym today, I told myself when my alarm went off. I had just enough time to get dressed - throwing on whatever yanked off the hangers first - and ran out to my car. Cold, cold, cold leather of the Bonneville against my shivering body. Darkness.
But it was peaceful... the solitude. All 45$ a week in gas so worth it for the solitude. My car. My speed. My music. My temperature. My route. Stupid shallow fat senior girls. I put on Owl City, set the temp control for 94 degrees, and cruised along at 15 over the speed limit. Heck, a speeding ticket wouldn't even make me blink right now. I feel nothing but the cold.
Teaching had a major bump: Duke.
Handsome, sweet Duke. Sitting in the back row with his arms crossed, annoyed and disgusted. The first student to openly complain about my teaching. Not my teaching really, but my subject matter. Not that he didn't like writing either - he feels mad at his peers. His tastes differ from thiers and he is mad because he has to write and read it aloud. He'd rather not write at all.
I see myself mirrored in his rebellious face. Mad at the school, at my stupid peers, willing myself to not even graduate if I could just get away from it all.
I tried to reach out to him. I gave a 20-minute lecture about minority opinion and the power of the underdog finding a voice. His expression and crossed-arm stance never changed, but I tried.
I feel I failed.
Duke, I'm so sorry.
I want to quit, too.

I drove straight to Rockwell and signed up at the gym. Key fab, Australian Gold tanning lotion, sign up fee and first month payment, and I was a whopping 250$ poorer. And the school bill is due this week, dang. I only got paied 440$ for the past two weeks of work. Double dang.
The girls at the gym were really nice.
I ran a mile - a mile, babe! It's been so long. I'd forgotten what a long distance that is to actually accomplish. I also ran it at an incline. No music, just me and my hurt and my determination. I texted my dad about the mile, knowing he'd approve. He did. It felt nice.... in a way. I'm not sure how anything feels right now.
Then to work out - abs, back, biceps. Holy cow! Babe. I have nooooooo bicep strength. It was pathetic, major time. Really. You'd have laughed at me and then went "Awwww...!" and cuddled me close, I'm sure. Then kissed my hair and told me to keep at it. I would have smiled, turned around and kept trying. In reality, I just stared blankly at the wall, flinched against the physical exertion, and forced another rep. The wall stared blankly back at me, indifferent to whether I kept going or walked away. I kept going for lack of anything better to do.
I tanned.
Now that was an experience. Apparently 5 minutes was too long, even with the lotion. I burned to a crisp. My neck, under my chin? Blistered and peeling. My collarbone, down my chest, down my belly? Sensitive areas for sure, red and angry. My legs showed no sign of even having come in contact with sunlight. They were as white and pale as normal. I hate my soft, pudgy legs. I wish they were lean and tan and gorgeous. If this 250$ commitment indicates anything, by gosh I'll get them there.
Work all night... hanging up banners with Dawn, getting ready for bread bash.
She pulled me aside to ask how I was doing personally. Poor Dawn thought I'd blocked her on FB since I deleted my account. We talked about shift leader, about the future, about good stuff. I should have told her the truth about what I think about losing my prep specialist position, but I walked away feeling nothing. I didn't care. What did it matter? It didn't matter. No one cares. Why should I.
So tired.
My roommates avoid me. I don't blame them. I tear into my dorm cleaning and finish my closet and desk. I need to go through my clothes and start throwing stuff away so I can get packed up to leave. I can't wait to move into Mary's. I can't wait.
Curfew came too soon. I crawled wearily into bed, aware that tomorrow I will get evaluated for the first time and completley unprepared.
I'll figure it out tomorrow, I thought to myself. Right now all I cared about was my big down comforter. Please, please, darkness and softness and unconsciousness... swallow me up from reality.

Day Four

A blur. Darkness, screaming, running endlessly in the same direction. Sheets, headboard, phone. Empty phone. More darkness. Phone, messages, Levi. Levi, please. Levi help. Trembling fingers. Floor, hard, cold, solid. Warm, slow tears. A blur again.
I didn't want to go to school again. Late. Cold, shaky, a slight fever. I couldn't figure out what to wear. I couldn't remember what I was supposed to teach what class, where we left off, what problems I would face, what time things happened. My roommates laughed at me about the nightmares. "Levi, I'm so fat and you're in sin- God isn't happy!" Micah had recorded it on her phone, the conversation with my demons was so loud.
The song on the radio, She Loves Me Like Jesus, didn't help. What was the point?
The sunrise over the downtown didn't happen. It was an hour earlier than normal. The city was angry, black, flat. Cars coming into the city made a blinding stream of white. I rolled past a big accident, smoke still rising from the shattered engine, cops not on the scene yet. I couldn't stop the wish that it was me, but knew from past experience with Andrea that the worst wreck wouldn't change anyone but me.
We talked.
Talked... as in I pleaded, you yelled. Pitiful, really.
7:16am March 11, 2013, Monday
Me: I love you still.
My Boyfriend :) Your dad does not want us talking. Please dont
Me: I'm not leaving you. I'm not. I love you.
My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him?
Me: I'd rather you call me. He knows how I feel already. I'm praying you come back, every day. I need my Levi.
 My Boyfriend :) No that is why we talked. no more. Dont make me call him again
Me: I don't understand why you don't love me. Why? Why did you change? I didn't change. I will NEVER stop loving you. I'm not built that way. I will love you no matter how much you hate me.
Me: I'm not trying to corner you :'( I'm trying to pray for you. But it hurts. I miss you oh so much. I lovest thou you.
 My Boyfriend :) That was the reason we talked at the west. Closure.. something u desired so greatly with Brandon that sparked all of this. The west was closure Noelle focus on God. Not on me
Me: You left me because of Brandon???!!!! LEVI PIERCE FOWLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want him one iota!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE. Believe me. PLEASE. I stopped talking to him when you asked!!!!!!!!!! I never ever wanted to bring him in between us!!!! I don't want him at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even chase him when he left me but I've been praying for you every day since you left me!!! Levi!!!!!!
 My Boyfriend :) I didn't say he was the source did I.. that was the whole point of the west closure. Closed. Done. Now please stop focusing on me. Its against your dads will you cant tell me you obey him when ur blatantly disobeying right now. I have to go right now. Just focus on God
Me: He never once said I couldn't write you, not once, never. You inferred Brandon... I really don't want him, just you. I focus on God - we are closer now that I pray for you every morning. I'm NOT leaving you Levi. Everyone has walked out on you I'm NOT going to do the same. I know you need time. I'm praying for that. I just want to remind you on MY hardest days that I love you.
 My Boyfriend :) Then do I have to call him so that he will say writing as well? Goodbye Noelle I'll change my number now
Me: Why do you hate me for loving you?
Me: I guess I understand how Jesus felt. Hated and rejected by the ones he loved for supposedly no reason.
Me: I'm sorry I make you so upset. I'm in denial, I guess. I love you - you said. How can I know - I asked. Trust me - you said. I did trust you. I just won't want to be like your mom, your dad, Nikki, I am just different and I don't think I can really stop loving you Levi. I can't do it.
7:55am March 11, 2013 Monday

It was the first time you've threatened me since you left, but not the first time ever. You threaten all the time to call my dad as if you don't have a clue that I'm not afraid of that. My dad listens, trusts, and respects me. We don't have problems discussing our differences anymore... not since the car wreck, anyways. I wonder if you threaten it because it would have scared Nikki? Or maybe it's just the huge clue in that you feel powerless so you're trying to revert to someone who you think has more power? Maybe it's a sign of your own weakness.
You said "call him again." Again. As in, when? That phrase still stands out to me. When did you call him the first time?
I tried so hard to shout of my loyalty because I am terrified it is shattering all over the place and I can't grasp it in my head. It just doesn't make sense. Not my Levi.
It's the first time you've brought of Brandon. Also the first time that you've mentioned the idea of "what started all this." I find it highly peculiar that you meantioned them both in the same sentence, at the same time, for the first time, all together. Although you went on to vaguely deny it, I still feel that there is something there. In fact, I have a feeling that there is a LOT there. That you may be pretending like this is some huge spiritual revelation to leave me... but in truth, I feel bitterness in you. Hate. Resentment. Jealousy and.... cruelty? Horrible words, I know. They don't describe you, but the emotions I feel coming from you through your words and actions. Could it be that you are so mad at me over Brandon that you are trying to punish me in the very worse way you know how? If so......... holy cow, Levi. ='(
I also notice that after each heartfelt, passionate cry of mine you respond so.... coolly, untouched... it's amazing. Again, you tried to take me back to my dad. I don't know what he said to you but I guess he left you with the impression that we were forbidden to communicate? You sure tried to act like it, accusing me of a whole lot and the pathetic part is my dad never said anything of the sort to me. I find it so ironic, so... sad. It is also the most passionate outburst you have... the words you used? blatant disobedience. against your dads will.
I love how at the end you didn't even respond to anything I said - that I was trying to give you time, that I was trying to pray for you... you just bit my head off. "writing as well" you said... meaning my dad must have given you definitely orders about talking, then.

Closed. Done. Goodbye, Noelle.
I don't love you anymore.......................................

I don't remember what happened for the rest of today. Work, I guess. But I am in shock, like a blow to my guts. Can't breathe, can't think, can't swallow.
Forever, Levi?
You really hate me?
You'll never love me, forever?

Oh, God.

Day Three, Part II

Part II

It is so cold. I didn't realize.

I went to to the car for church,

and Kendon had locked the

Bonneville and taken the keys

with him. I was late. Great. Had

to walk all the way to the guys

dorm and wait for him in the

peircing wind. I could see

Santanna right up front. Hi,

Santanna. I miss curling up in

you. Please keep my Levi safe.
After choir, Bro Don didn't have

time for tryouts. A wasn't sure

whether to feel relieved or not.

Time to kill... and no idea what

to do. Usually, I would go take a

nap. But I had slept all morning.

I headed out to the car anyways

just to get warm and listen to

music. But I knew that if I sat

there, I would just be waiting to

see you arrive. I miss you so

much. It's not fair. Why do I

miss you but you don't miss me

any more? I can't understand it.

My Levi would miss me. He just

would.
I drove to starbucks. A cinnamin

dolce latte... but I wanted to

try something else. Something

different, anything. Caramel

macchiata sounded good, add whip.

It wasn't as great as my

cinnamin, but I wanted the

change. I tried their spinach

feta wrap - I swear I'm a sucker

for gormet food - and it was

nasty. Babe, watch out. UGH. Like

watery tofu. Nastyyyyyyyy.
I came back and saw you hanging

out up front. I had to wonder.

You never did that before. Who is

it exactly that you're talking

to. Tim, it looked like. I didn't

recognize anyone else. You looked

soooo dang sharp. Hair styled.

That new tan suit that I never

got to ask you about. You went to

sit alone. Alone? Where was your

new freshman friend? Or was that

a one time thing? My mind was

running a million directions.

Really, I'm not sure if you want

to hear it. Why are you sitting

alone, babe? Is it a statement

that now you're free from all

responsibilities? Are you

hurting? Did your friends not

have room for you? Or is it

because Amanda is sitting the

next row over, just like last

week and the week before

that...... I didn't know what to

think. I'm stumped.
I did see you on your phone non

stop. Hmmm. Facebook that

intruiging now? Or are you

texting someone? Who? Who is

distracting you to pieces right

in church? I was confused. Sad.

For all the times you ignore my

texts, you're glued to your

phone. IT hurt, deeply.
Did you see me in choir, babe? I

didn't want to look at you and

make you sad. It was hard to sing

such a preppy song, but the words

made me sad, too. Foreign lands

need Jesus.... how could you

forget Ukraine? They need help so

badly.
During handshake time, you left.

I never saw you come back. Did

you go find friends to sit with?

Take off to meet that person you

were texting? Or just leave? I

wish I knew.
I had to leave early myself for

Bread bash. I didn't see Santanna

anywhere. I looked. I will always

look.
On the way, it was so cold out.

Dark was falling. On Rockwell and

16th, I saw a mom and two young

boys walking along the side of

the road. They were white.

Bundled in hooodies with hoods

up. The wind was so cold. I felt

a huge streak of grief. A mom and

two boys walking. It reminded me

of your stories when you were

with you mom. It broke my heart.
That is who my Levi is to me. Not

that cool as ice, popular as

heck, untouchable Heartland stiff

who has no commitment or respect.

But the one in the silly bean

hat, broke beyond broke,

struggling from a hard life, as

real and deep and precious as

I've ever encountered in my

entire life. That is who I miss.

I miss him so much. He inspired

me. He opened my eyes like no one

ever did. I don't want some suit

from Heartland who can joke the

jokes and preach the sermons and

jive with all the guys and have

perfect hair and an emptiness in

his eyes. I want my Levi who

didn't have time to do his hair

and tried his best to make do

with what he had, but who loved

God and loved me and wanted to

help others. He inspired me, and

he captured my heart. He was

different than anyone I'd ever

met at Bible college. He wasn't

like any of the others.
Joy called me over to her. I

really like the Hintons. John and

Mallory. Joy, especially. She

introduced me to her younger

sister, Jone. Yes, Jone, not

Jane. Joney (Jonie for short) was

really cute. I wondered vaguely

if she and Kendon would get

together someday. She seemed very

sweet. JOy asked me how it went

with you when my parents were

here. When she heard the nutshell

version, she offered to send John

to go talk to you. It make me

laugh, and start crying. I miss

Steven. He'd straighten you out

like a peice of wire. But I

couldn't bear to do anything to

you. I love you. I just want to

help you while you go through

this time... but you don't want

me to be there. So I don't know

what to do. I'm so lost.
On the way to Panera, Kendon

played me Russian songs. He knows

how badly I am hurting. He went

into Oncue but told me, "This is

a song I got when Ruslana left

me." I was at college when he met

and fell in love with Ruslana, a

blonde girl from Dneprepetrovsk.

They were together for a year?

And then she left him. I know it

broke his heart, but he greives

quietly. I squeezed his hand. We

don't share a lot of words, but

we have developed such a close

relationship with what you did to

me. Suddenly, the playful

freshman kid is now a quieter,

kinder brother to me. It isn't

Steven, but it means so much.
I miss my Russian music. I miss

the beat of it as I trip down the

cobblestone streets of Sumskaya

downtown, dash into coffee cafes,

shop in the boutiques. I don't

miss the poverty, but I miss the

feeling. Leather, high heels,

lipstick. The song he played for

me said, 'ti ne moi geroi. Eta ne

igra.' which translates, 'you

aren't my hero and this isn't a

game.' It was a sad song. But you

will always be my hero.
Then he played Low by FloRida and

T-Pain. Haha I love that song! A

club mix. "The whole club was

looking at her....!" It stirs my

blood. Like Johhny Cash

prescribed, If you feel blue,

just get rhythm. It helps, in a

way.
Oh. At church in the foyer I ran

into Michelle Grimm and Jenna

Anderson. My original Panera

girls. I wish I had time to hang

out and just talk work and life.

They are looking great. I wish I

felt as great.
Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore.
The verse from Isaiah 54 is still

in my head. God called a women

forsaken and greived in spirit. I

feel so engulfed in this grief.

The tears, the pain, the sheer

betrayal. But God can still use

me... somehow....
I think of Regine's Book.
Today I googled literary agents.

I want to see my book published.
Bread bash was okay. Angie hugged

me sooooo tight. I hung out with

her and Kayla and Kelsey. Angie

said she might come next

Sunday!!! It made me so excited,

in a small way. Any emotion is

small in me right now.
Graduation is 66 days. No

kidding. That's exactly this

semester all over again. In a

way, it gives me hope. If you

could leave me and be so far away

in 60 days.... could you come

back in 60 more? That is my

prayer. Not going to lie. When I

wake up, that is my prayer. That

God would change me in any way he

needs to so that I can be the

girl for you. And that God would

change you so that you can be the

man for me. That he would do it

in 60 days. I pray for his will,

ultimately... which is a hard

prayer to pray and mean it... but

I do mean it. I just feel

convinced in my heart that when I

prayed about you when we were

courting, and even before, that

he meant it when he gave me

peace. So my prayer is that God

will do with me whatever he needs

and do with you whatever it takes

to bring you back before I

graduate.... so that I can

graduate with a smile, and not

with grief in my eyes.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
I love you still.

Day Three, Part I

Day Three.

Hello, headache. Sunday, March 10

2013. I didn't sleep much,

tossing and turning, afraid of

the shadows around the closet and

the whispering wind against my

window. I woke up early and felt

like my skull was going to

explode. The pulsing, pounding

pain behind my bloodshot eyes

drove me to the fountain for a

splash of water. Even my mouth

felt dry and overused. A sign

that I had probably spent a good

morning of the night screaming

and sobbing in my dreams.

Horrible dreams. Dreams of you

and me in the field outside the

hotel on the north part of town,

surrounded by wildflowers, the

wild tree behind us, laughing and

glowing in each other's gaze....

until you stand up and run away.

Start Santanna, and zoom away,

leaving me stranded in the field,

off a highway, in the middle of

nowhere. Wandering around, unable

to get home. Crying for you,

confused, frightened, but you

never come back. You didn't even

look in your rear view mirror as

you drove away.
Usually the dilemna of what to

wear is enough to bog down my

morning, but the new dilemna of

where to go to church? what

Sunday school class? Where to sit

during the main service? what to

do if I saw you? What to do if I

didn't? Where to park? What to do

when it was time to get up and

leave? I bawled back into bed and

hid under the covers, a

whimpering pitiful mound of

Noelle puddle. I couldn't stand

to process it, any of it, any

more. I couldn't pretend to be

strong and happy when I was

shattered and on fire inside. My

chest burned so badly, a weight

pressed so heavy on my chest, the

sobs turned into a minor panic

attack and I groaned against the

darkness and gasped for breath,

for sanity, for any lifeline. My

headache exploded with the tears

and the effort of breathing.
I eventually fell asleep,

exhausted, and awoke only when

the RA was shaking me, asking why

I wasn't going to church. Screw

you. Will the whole world just

leave me alone for one hour?

Sleep didn't come so easily again

and I spent most of the morning

grasping my head between my

fists, trying to calm the

headache. Oh, I longed for your

gentle, soothing hands to massage

away the tension and gently

massage my little glands. But my

own hands were not as skilled and

there was no releif. I tore into

my hair and wept afresh, wildly,

drowning in denial and defeat.

The Levi who held me so tenderly

really didn't love me? It was all

a lie? A masquarade?
Humiliation sapped my strength

and I lay burning in shame and

anguish of soul. I didn't

understand anything.
Eventually, my phone went off and

it was midafternoon. Kendon had

left the car for me in the

middle. He was hanging out with

Josh, eating pizza probably. I

wanted to text you, to call you,

to beg you to come to me. I threw

the phone across the room and

listened to it thud against my

roommate's plush covers. I'd

learned my lesson four weeks ago

about throwing it against the

floor. Screens are fragile.
I prayed for a long time before I

could even get up. God, give me

strength. God, salve this pain.

God, bring him back. God, why?
There was no clear answer. Just

the subconscious knowledge that

even when I don't feel him, he is

right there with me grieving

alongside my anguish. I wept that

someone could love me so, when no

one else ever kept their love to

me.
I hadn't eaten since Friday

morning with my parents. Pizza

was out of the question, but my

room was cold. Hot chocolate?

Caramel. Your favorite brand. I

had actually bought the box for

you on Valentines Day and then

chickened out. When I got my mug

from the bookshelf, your gift to

me, Patrick swam up to the glass

and looked at me with anxious,

happy eyes.
Come play?
I took him to the bathroom and

cleaned out his tank. The rudial

task gave me something to focus

on,and the mental pain faded like

a dull throb into the background.

Patrick didn't like being

trappedin my mug but I don't have

the little plastic cup that he

came with anymore. Or the filter

system. I wondered absently if

I'd get it back before you left

Oklahoma City, or if I should

just make a trip to PetsMart and

toss out more money.
"I will never take care of him

again."
Poor Patrick.
Abandoned just the same as me.

You used to talk about him all

the time, even built him his own

shelving unit. Upgraded his tank.

Fussed about feeding and

sleeping habits, cleaning the

water. Lecturered me to death

about it all. And now you didn't

care what became of him, or if

you even saw him again. It is as

if you don't understand that he

misses you. Sometimes, when my

rommates have thier friends over

and my room is loud and bright,

Patrick floats in the water

wiggling his fins, but sad. I

miss the guys.... I can see it in

his little expression.
"I will never take care of him

again."
The tears flowed, mixing with the

water in the sink pooling down

the drains. By the time I had

refilled the tank and applied the

water cleaner, I was as wet as

Patrick. The tears wouldn't stop.
Hot chocolate. A hot shower.

Anything to stop the shakes that

came from the stress and greif. I

would have to leave for choir

soon.
Choir.
A big dream I decided to pursue.

Choir, in a big church. I'd gone

to practice last week, and now

practice again this week. After

the second time in practice, Bro.

Don said I had to do tryouts. Me,

him, the pianist... I can sing,

but I am still so nervous.
I like alto better but I'm in the

soprano side of the choir,

because the alto side is maxed

out. The ladies are nice but

don't seem to notice that I am

even sitting beside them. It's a

little hard on me, but... the

anonymity is nice in a way. I

used to love anonymity. I used to

love hiding, being unknown, being

safe in the shadows. Maybe that

was the mystery and intruige that

made you fall in love with me?

But then you were always onto me

about having more friends, being

more social, being more popular.

It seems that what drew you to me

was the very thing you always

pushed to change about me.
I digress.
Daylights saving time.
I don't know what to wear to

church, or how to do my hair. I

want to be beautiful in case you

look at me... but I don't feel

beautiful anymore. I must be the

ugliest, fattest, most disgusting

girl in the college. Because in

the end my beauty wasn't enough

to even make you look at me when

we talked at the West. Your eyes

zoning out everywhere but on me.

I know I'm not beautiful, but...

I've never felt so worthless in

my life.
I miss my Levi.
He would have something to say

about all this, I'm sure. He

would roll his eyes and say,

"Babe, your fine." He would

gently tussle my hair and turn my

heart with his crooked, innocent

little boy smile. "Baby girl, I

love you just the way you are.

I'm so happy you joined the

choir. I'm so proud to see My

Noelle up there."
I put your heart necklace on and

pull on my boots. I know the old

you isn't the real you living in

current reality. But. Maybe it's

better to be delusional.