Social Life

Okay, babe, I can still see that look in your eye when you said to me, "We need to try to be more social this semester." Scolding, almost, as if I didn't try enough before; firm, as if you were afraid I'd dodge away from the request; and almost questioning, as if you weren't sure exactly what I would be thinking.
Well, I'm not sure what I really am thinking, babe. I just know I try so hard and yet it seems to always be a massive waste of effort, time, and emotion. =( I've kind of adapted the expectation that I have no friends. And unless someone is going to take the effort to try to become friends with me, I'm just not going to have any friends... and as lonely as it is, I'm okay with it, because trying and getting burned all the time is even more miserable. Idk.
But I think having friends is good for us... There is a verse in proverbs that says, "Iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." I know they are good for encouragement, and they can help us grow, and be used of God. It's good to have a social life. As much as I'm all wrapped up around you, I want you to have friends and be able to get away and have a guy's night or whatever... I don't want you to miss that. And this is my last year here... if I don't make friends, then I won't have the chance ever again to make friends from Bible college... it'll just be whoever at church or at work I am around... I don't know.
I was thinking about the top people at the school I actually like. Surprisingly, there's more than I thought... I jsut wanted you to know them, so you can tell me what you think... and I want to see the school from your perspective, too, and maybe we can pray and just ask God to give us (1) the opportunity to build good friendships, and (2) the right people... Maybe he will give us new students we don't even know yet, I don't know.

I think top of my list is Eric Maddox Furan, which of course means his girlfriend Kayla too. I just love his personality, his parents, the fact we are both MK's, and how he treats others. Kayla wrote me a FB message once, do you remember? When I was really struggling last semester... randomly appeared in my message box. Said she was praying for me, even though she didn't know me really well. It meant so much... I still remember. =)
Bobby Harrell. He still owes me lunch! lol haha I don't even remember how that got started...
Mark Martinez & Hannah Wallace (the only RA I respect lol)
Joy Hinton. She has some rough edges but she is so passionate about God, loves thrift store shopping, and is the only girl who has ever invited me out off campus (pizza and a movie at Mallory Shook's).
Kate Walley. To an extent. She's too preoccupied lately with the fact that she's single. =/
Lori and Mitchell. I know them through you. I would like to try to be friends, like, real friends. The ones whose number you have in your phone and you would call up to hang out.
Gary Latin, Jed Brown... I know they are your friends, and I want to see you all get to hang out (more than once!) It would be nice to be on a talking basis so at least they don't feel awkward around me, you know?...
Zhenya Demyanovna (Olesya's sister). SHe was always so sweet. Not a big fan of Yulia, she was very vain. But Zhenya and even Olesya and Sebastian... they are all so cool. I would love to hang out with Russians more, babe, really.....
Brittany Moore (I think it is Moore). The redhead, JS's friend? She would always smile and say hi to me, directly to me, and not just politely in passing. I really liked her... I liked her style too, but I liked how she treated me.

I can't think of anyone else right now...

I'm Sorry

I don't think I say it enough, in regards to the kinds of wounds I inflict..... You are the sweetest, most precious little Levi and I don't ever, ever want to hurt you.... and yet, I find that I do.... in those horrible moments when I lose who I am, and become who I once was.... it is you I hurt, my best friend, my sweet, sweet prince. How many times do you apologize to me? Even when you're not wrong. Even when I don't deserve it. You care so much about me, about us, about making things right and cherishing me rather than defending yourself... I... I don't know how to tell you how awful I feel.... I don't treat you like I should, like I used to, like I told myself I always would... I say things I never should, and so many times, even when you try to tell me to stop, and I just keep going... I know I can never ever get them back... And somehow, the next day you are smiling to see me, and hugging me close, and arranging your day to spend as much of it as possible with ME..... and it just blows my mind.... it is like this huge knife in my heart.... because you are so, so precious and I need you so badly and you should blame me and hate me and hang over my head how awful I was Saturday night and yet you don't.... you just keep loving me, ME....
You're right, you know... I'll never get back the things I said. I'll never be able to take them back.... and I can't erease the effect they have....
But I can say, honestly, truly, that I am sorry.... so, so sorry... and I was wrong.... you weren't, it was me.... and that I love you, so much, in spite of it all, if you'll just believe me... and that I want to make it up to you.... I want to spend the rest of the days of this semester trying as hard as I can to never say one more unkind thing to you, no matter how mad or frustrated or upset I get... not one more unkind, unfair thing.... and I hope that you will forgive me, and forget.... that you won't let Satan use my weakness against us.

I love you, Levi Pierce Fowler.... I love everything about you... every inch of you, every smile, every look in your eye... everything....

Please hold me close this week. I'm scared. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm so very weak.
I love you. I love you, I really really do....
So so much.

Moonlit Friday Night

Something so surreal about the way it feels to be with you under the moonlight on a soft, sultry summer night. I love the way the glow of the moon illumines your eyes and casts shadows across your freckles. =) I love the still, still air, and the peace of the world slowly settling towards night. I love being with you, all quiet and peaceful, enjoying however few minutes we have just being with each other. You mean so, so very much to me... it's amazing to realize what a vast difference you have made in my life in just a few short months. I love you so much and I just wanted to take a moment to say so. I know you know that I do, but still....
I love you, Levi Pierce. <3

My wake up song

My wake up song that makes me think of u :) I love u good morning darling Watch "Owl City, Carly Rae Jepsen - Good Time (Lyric Video)" on YouTube

Random Childhood Story

Have I ever told you about my childhood fascination with ducks? It started on one of the first trips to the local market that I was allowed to make when we got to Kharkov. I was with my mom at the time, and we walked up the long, dusty road about 45 minutes to the nearest outdoor bazaar to buy food. At first, my parents went to the market by themselves and left us kinds at home. They were worried about getting lost, the locals, etc. But eventually they got braver and would take one or two of us along. I think now, it was to help carry the groceries back more than anything... those bags could be so heavy!

Well, that day, as we were slowly meandering up and down the twisting aisles of booths, I spotted a stack of crates. More like pallets, actually, only a few inches high. The pallets were staked a dozen or so up, and peeking out was enough yellow and black fluff to float a ship! The tiny peeps and rustles from inside fascinated me and I went over to see. Squished in-between the pallets were hundreds of little baby ducklings!

They were so so tiny and so so cute, all jammed together and imprisoned in the hot sun. A few of the were dead, even. I wanted to "Free Willy" and take a few home where they could run around, and I could feed them bread crusts, and we could start a barnyard of animal pets! But... my mom was not so sympathetic. (Or maybe she was, but also more pragmatic!) And she said no.

But the next few times I went to the market, I would run to that back corner where they were selling ducklings (and occasionally chicks) and stand and look and sometimes, when the grouchy old babushka wasn't looking, I would sneak my fingers in and stroke their little wings.

I'm not that found of ducks now that I am grown, outside of seeing them in the wild at lakes or such. But I found this picture and it took me back to a time long, long ago =) and I wanted to take you there with me for a minute. =)

I love you!!

Lake Overholser

Hey baby....
I love you. Despite the difficulties in our lives right now (jobs, city, finances, cars, sleep deprivation, health etc) the last few days have been so.... sweetly blissful. Sunday night was so amazing... thankyou for it. For holding me in your arms. <3 For late-night scouring the Chinese buffet. =) For talking... and loving... and everything. It meant so, so, so much.
And yesterday at Lake Overholser? The thought of having somewhere that nice close enough to go relax and study during school is so encouraging to me. I can't WAIT to go there again with you and explore. Someday I'd love to go boating and fishing, too =D
A name for my puppy... been tossing a few around. Amarillo is a good idea =) I'm also a fan of Reece's, Jack, and Nikita.
I love you and just wanted to say so. I am soooo glad you are in my life.
Thank you, most of all, for praying the past few days with me. It has been very needed... I want to try my best to help us keep faithful at that. Especially in 4 weeks when school starts back up........

Hugs & Kisses

Weather

It's raining outside, soaking grey rain pattering against the pavement and flooding in pools across the parched grass. You're at work, finishing for the night, and I should be in bed but I can't go to sleep because my mind is restless tonight. It's been a hard couple of days. I'm tired of being sick. I love you and I'm sorry for our fighting. I'm sorry my necklace is broken and lost. I will look for it before I go to bed.
I was just thinking how nice weather is. People say it'll never be hot or cold in heaven, but I don't really believe them. There is a great company from Switzerland, I think, whose motto says, 'There is never bad weather - just inappropriate attire.' So maybe in heaven we'll just have really awesome clothes =D That way we can enjoy all four full seasons at their best. =) I'd like to think so. About enjoying all the seasons in heaven, I mean. And, well, the awesome clothes part, too. =P
I think that the weather is one of the nicest things God has given us for our time here on earth. Think about it. It defines our every day. What we wear. What we eat. How we feel. Where we go. When we wake up and when we go to bed. Who we are around. What we want. Everything, really. All based on the weather. Hot? Chilly? Sunny? Humid? Blustery? Frosty? Crisp? Mellow? Stormy? Hot chocolate or sweet iced tea? Barbeque on the porch or slow-cooked stew? Hanging with friends or curled up at home with a book? Stay up late or turn in early? Leather boots or flipflops? Sunglasses or scarf? Vigorous day or laid-back evening?
It is no wonder the most elementary conversations begin with the weather! Because it has predestined everything about the day! And if it changes abruptly, no wonder why people get all ruffled. Everything has to change, even if not noticeably.
Gen 1:14 "And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years..."
From the very beginning, weather was in God's mind. Do you ever think about that? The huge, billowy clouds of purple and blue we saw tonight, catching the retreated storm and colors of the sunset.... the translucent, obscure stars we saw out in Nichols Hills that night together... the sunshine of Saturday in the swimming pool... it is all what God saw from the very beginning.
You talked about reading our Bibles and praying more, and just talking to each other. Well, how much God mentions weather in the Bible has always intrigued me. Especially the books of Job and Psalms, filled with references about His power reflected in the weather and seasons. "Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it? ...By the breath of God frost is given: and the breadth of the waters is straitened...."(Job 37&38) So beautiful =)
I am so glad for today's rain. Because rain always meant homemade chocolate chip cookies as a child =) and because I know it reminds my Levi of his home. =) Rain is so soothing, gentle, cleansing... exactly what I needed today.
I love you. I am praying for you as I go to sleep. Please be safe on the wet roads. I will see you tomorrow in the sunshine, if it isn't raining again. =)
Forever yours,
Noelle