The Death of a Friend

Zubi is dying. =(
Just like Tekel, when I was in college in Chicago. I remember the night my dad called me to tell me that he was on the way to the vet to put her down. I remember crying so hard, touched with the grief my dad was feeling himself, and overcome that I couldn't even be with her to get one last hug, on last look at her little sad eyes. You see my dachshunds were a gift from my dad to me, for my 9th birthday and for my 13th. Something that we both shared together. We picked them out together. They were ours.
Tekel died... and now Zubi will be put down this week.
Why do people we love have to die? It's awful enough to be alive on this earth, locking in a game of rules and circumstances we can't argue. And to find some small happiness.... in a friend.... and then have it taken away? It's such a deep hurt. A hurt I try not to remember, one that shattered my soul and drove me to question every bit of sanity that governed the rules of the game of life.
Loss..... why is it so enormous? Why does the grave echo so fathomlessly? Such an enternal blackness that reverberates with tears and wishes and longing that will always be in vain, never to be soothed, never to be filled.....
There's no going back, when death beckons and the bridge is crossed from mortality to immortality. No looking back, no farewell hugs, no last look in the eyes of the dear one we leave behind. One minute our life is securely locking with theirs, and the next.... we are floating along in the cold emptiness of a black lake, locked in fate, fate we had no control over ultimately.
I feel it is something that will always haunt me. I never got to say goodbye to Andrea. I never got to say goodbye to my old people in the Valpo Care nursing home. I'll never get to say goodbye to Zubi... wrap him in my arms one last time, kiss his little head, stroke his little paws, and see his faithful little eyes pouring into mine waiting for the sound of my voice.
I have been blessed, to have these deep happinesses in my life...... blessings which leave scars as they are mercilessly scraped from the futile clutch of my own dreams.

At least in heaven, I'll see the ones I loved, in the perfection of beauty as they always should have been...... But do you think that dogs really go to heaven? I wish I knew.

On Saturday, it'll be my 23rd birthday, and that day will hallmark 10 exact years since Zubi came into my life as the very best birthday gift. How cruel that it is on this week that his life flickers and sickens into the abyss of immortality... somewhere I cannot go. =(

a late night blog

hey there princess. i miss our blogs so much. so much history running through its pages... i love u with all my heart princess and i miss you so so so much. babe i know you cant breathe i can feel ur anxiety princess.. i  thought about it all through work today and i prayed and prayed and i belive God gave me the phrase "round about" i cannot help but think of the old testament psalms and hear the cries of david as his enemies and the Devil seemed to be round about him. he had no where to move. no room to breath. just an onslaught of trouble. babe. dont give up as time seems to constrict. as class loads and fatigue and discouragement is enveloped round about you... truat God babe he will lead us through..

(KJV)Job 22:10-13, 21-23
Therefore snares are ROUND ABOUT thee, and sudden fear troubleth thee; [11] Or darkness, that thou canst not see; and abundance of waters cover thee. [12] Is not God in the height of heaven? and behold the height of the stars, how high they are! [13] And thou sayest, How doth God know? can he judge through the dark cloud?
...
[21] Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee. [22] Receive, I pray thee, the law from his mouth, and lay up his words in thine heart. [23] If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles.

August 20, 2012

Hey there busy man.
A new semester has started, and my last year here.
I miss you.
Love,
Noelle

Tranquility

Dear Levi,
Tonight we sat on the benches of our own seclusive park (the college campus) and watched a lightning storm under the tickling drops of rain on our skin. It was so lovely. =) Every memory with you is lovely... the happy ones and the painful ones... all of them are my story with you and I love my story with you.

I just wanted to say how peaceful I feel right now. Thank you for your gentleness on the phone when I called you this afternoon when I got thrown out of work early. I was scared and crying and upset but your voice was so infinetly soothing and gentle and absolutely unreal. Thank you, Levi.... I drove right to your apartments and parked outside and talked to you on the phone from a few feet away. =) Your magnet was pulling me. =)) How else do you think I heard the lawn mower? Silly Levi. I love you so much. I didn't come up because I knew you were just getting going, but I almost did. I love you so much.
Thank you for seeing me for those few hot minutes before you went to work. For just encouraging me and getting my focus right, and most of all, for praying with me. It helped. It changed my whole day.

And thank you for tonight... for the drinks, and the King size Recee's bar. Wow. =) You took me by surprise, and it felt so nice. I wish I could relate in mere words the depth of the emotion you gave to me tonight, but I feel my vocabulary is too shallow. I just wanted to say thank you.

It's so beautiful tonight, out under the lightning-lit, dark purple clouds. I feel like I am in my own little world, and it's so peaceful. I know that soon life will be crazy hectic again (try: tomorrow morning at 4am) but in these few stolen moments, I just wanted to pray for a while and read my Bible and write you. I found this verse in Philemon and it reminded me of you.

"I thank my God, making mention of thee always in my prayers, hearing of thy love and thy faith.. for the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." Phil 1:4&7

Thank you for being like Philemon to me. Thank you for refreshing my spirit and giving me the encouragement and strength to keep going, and to even smile and laugh.

I love you.

Article

Baby I found this article I wanted to share with you!! And I made this whole blog post... and then my computer died in the middle of it ='( I am so sad! It was about this thing called "Pillow Talk".... where two people have matching pillows, and when persons uses theirs, the other one begins to softly glow. And when you lie down, you can hear the other person's heartbeat! Isn't that so sweet?!?!?! I wish we could do that!!!!!! It would be like snuggling with you every night =) I'd sleep soooooooo good to the sound of your heartbeat... I know I would =) My pillow would begin to glow around midnight every night and I'd get to literally hear that you are safe and sleeping... awwwwwww.... I'm so in love with the idea right now =)) Reminds me of a little newborn puppy, you know? How it sleeps with a warm bottle and alarm clock, so it thinks it is sleeping with his mother? Awwww baby...... your little puppy misses you so, so much.......

Social Life

Okay, babe, I can still see that look in your eye when you said to me, "We need to try to be more social this semester." Scolding, almost, as if I didn't try enough before; firm, as if you were afraid I'd dodge away from the request; and almost questioning, as if you weren't sure exactly what I would be thinking.
Well, I'm not sure what I really am thinking, babe. I just know I try so hard and yet it seems to always be a massive waste of effort, time, and emotion. =( I've kind of adapted the expectation that I have no friends. And unless someone is going to take the effort to try to become friends with me, I'm just not going to have any friends... and as lonely as it is, I'm okay with it, because trying and getting burned all the time is even more miserable. Idk.
But I think having friends is good for us... There is a verse in proverbs that says, "Iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." I know they are good for encouragement, and they can help us grow, and be used of God. It's good to have a social life. As much as I'm all wrapped up around you, I want you to have friends and be able to get away and have a guy's night or whatever... I don't want you to miss that. And this is my last year here... if I don't make friends, then I won't have the chance ever again to make friends from Bible college... it'll just be whoever at church or at work I am around... I don't know.
I was thinking about the top people at the school I actually like. Surprisingly, there's more than I thought... I jsut wanted you to know them, so you can tell me what you think... and I want to see the school from your perspective, too, and maybe we can pray and just ask God to give us (1) the opportunity to build good friendships, and (2) the right people... Maybe he will give us new students we don't even know yet, I don't know.

I think top of my list is Eric Maddox Furan, which of course means his girlfriend Kayla too. I just love his personality, his parents, the fact we are both MK's, and how he treats others. Kayla wrote me a FB message once, do you remember? When I was really struggling last semester... randomly appeared in my message box. Said she was praying for me, even though she didn't know me really well. It meant so much... I still remember. =)
Bobby Harrell. He still owes me lunch! lol haha I don't even remember how that got started...
Mark Martinez & Hannah Wallace (the only RA I respect lol)
Joy Hinton. She has some rough edges but she is so passionate about God, loves thrift store shopping, and is the only girl who has ever invited me out off campus (pizza and a movie at Mallory Shook's).
Kate Walley. To an extent. She's too preoccupied lately with the fact that she's single. =/
Lori and Mitchell. I know them through you. I would like to try to be friends, like, real friends. The ones whose number you have in your phone and you would call up to hang out.
Gary Latin, Jed Brown... I know they are your friends, and I want to see you all get to hang out (more than once!) It would be nice to be on a talking basis so at least they don't feel awkward around me, you know?...
Zhenya Demyanovna (Olesya's sister). SHe was always so sweet. Not a big fan of Yulia, she was very vain. But Zhenya and even Olesya and Sebastian... they are all so cool. I would love to hang out with Russians more, babe, really.....
Brittany Moore (I think it is Moore). The redhead, JS's friend? She would always smile and say hi to me, directly to me, and not just politely in passing. I really liked her... I liked her style too, but I liked how she treated me.

I can't think of anyone else right now...

I'm Sorry

I don't think I say it enough, in regards to the kinds of wounds I inflict..... You are the sweetest, most precious little Levi and I don't ever, ever want to hurt you.... and yet, I find that I do.... in those horrible moments when I lose who I am, and become who I once was.... it is you I hurt, my best friend, my sweet, sweet prince. How many times do you apologize to me? Even when you're not wrong. Even when I don't deserve it. You care so much about me, about us, about making things right and cherishing me rather than defending yourself... I... I don't know how to tell you how awful I feel.... I don't treat you like I should, like I used to, like I told myself I always would... I say things I never should, and so many times, even when you try to tell me to stop, and I just keep going... I know I can never ever get them back... And somehow, the next day you are smiling to see me, and hugging me close, and arranging your day to spend as much of it as possible with ME..... and it just blows my mind.... it is like this huge knife in my heart.... because you are so, so precious and I need you so badly and you should blame me and hate me and hang over my head how awful I was Saturday night and yet you don't.... you just keep loving me, ME....
You're right, you know... I'll never get back the things I said. I'll never be able to take them back.... and I can't erease the effect they have....
But I can say, honestly, truly, that I am sorry.... so, so sorry... and I was wrong.... you weren't, it was me.... and that I love you, so much, in spite of it all, if you'll just believe me... and that I want to make it up to you.... I want to spend the rest of the days of this semester trying as hard as I can to never say one more unkind thing to you, no matter how mad or frustrated or upset I get... not one more unkind, unfair thing.... and I hope that you will forgive me, and forget.... that you won't let Satan use my weakness against us.

I love you, Levi Pierce Fowler.... I love everything about you... every inch of you, every smile, every look in your eye... everything....

Please hold me close this week. I'm scared. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm so very weak.
I love you. I love you, I really really do....
So so much.