My dear prince, my best best friend~
I've been reading back through our blog at night as I lie in bed trying to stay awake until you get off. How could I have forgotten?? So many of the memories revived just took my breath away. I'm ashamed to admit it, but in the hectic helter-skelter of the reality of today, this week, the now... I had forgotten. I'd forgotten the depth and the passion and the beauty that slowly became our story last semester. I'd forgotten how badly it had hurt to never see you during the week, I'd forgotten what it felt like to get a letter from you, I'd forgotten about the first time we decided to pray and read our Bibles together. How could I have forgotten? I want to just memorize each and every post, every little memory, every little taste and sound and word and image and feeling, until they are so absorbed into my being that I could never forget again.... I know you think I have a great memory, but I feel at times I have the worst memory ever, and my brain just clicks "off" to so many details I wish so badly I could hold onto forever... It would be easy to panic, because I don't want to lose these memories, but I remember the words you said.... that love is about making new memories, every day. About holding onto the past but also building a future... about old familiarity and new discovery entwined into every day... about a sense of permanence that I'd always longed for.
This week has been crazy, insanely busy. We've been working so hard, and when we are not working~ we have been sleeping, struggling to keep our eyes open, one foot in front of the other, chin up ~ each day a pounding deadline of incessant time. Time, that cruel master. It's like there is no time to breathe, to think, to even feel... just time to respond to each new hurdle, each new deadline, each new responsibility.
I am so proud of you. Did you know that? I should say it more often, I feel. You work so incredibly hard. Last night when I visited Western Panera for the first time since my transfer, I sat there listening to my manager Greg brag about his glory days of school, when he had 20 credit hours. I wanted to laugh. 20 hours is a daily reality for me and you, on top of work.... I am so proud of you. When he asked where you worked and what hours, and I told him, Greg responded, "Oh, so he isn't going to Heartland, then?" He couldn't fathom working that much and going to school at the same time. I can't even fathom it. It's insane. I keep praying every day that God would send some relief, but He hasn't yet and I don't know why. I know he let the Israelites suffer for 400 years and yet he heard their cries every day. He waited, because he had a plan, but I just hope that His plan has change coming soon, not 400 years from now.... or 40....
I don't have a lot of time between classes, but I just really wanted to blog you a little something. I've missed this blog a lot. I've missed writing. I'll admit, the feeling is coming back. I know that we had a fight last week because of something you said. You didn't like my new interested in interior design, you said, as much as you liked my writing. That hurt. Not because I expected you to choose the one over the other, but because I'm furstrated with myself over my own lack of inspiration to write..... and it makes me feel like a failure. If that's all I have to give to life, I feel like a failure.... What can I do as a writer? nothing, I fear.....
But I wanted to say thank you for keeping on believing in me even when I don't really beleive in myself right now. Even when it seems I reject your words, never forget that I always keep them inside me so I can think on them later. I've been thinking on those particular words a lot.... Do you really think I have any kind of future with my writing? It feels so vastly hopeless... and I know you don't have the answers right in hand.... but I wonder if you aren't right and I am just of too little faith. Regardless, I wanted to say thank you.... thank you for loving me and encouraging me and always believing in me, Levi. It is the greatest give you have given me, your love and faith in me.
One of the best things I've rediscovered in rereading our old posts (and I'm only in month 2, Februrary lol) is back when we really used to count on Rigel and Jupiter, our stars, to symbolize our love. Idk it was so unique =) I love the analogy and I just wanted to bring that back if at all possible. I want to be your star again, as well as your princess and best friend =) I love you Levi............
It's winter again, and we've reached the one year mark! Soon we will celebrate one year of being together in person, and I'm so excited. So much is happening, and I am so grateful to be sharing it all with you. My best, best, friend. The love of my life. My Levi.
Hugs,
your star
Friday, October 26, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
An Autumn Post
Sweet prince,
We haven't posted in this blog in a long while, as you mentioned the other day. I wanted to try to post when I found a minute, so here I am, with ten minutes to go till I need to be leaving for work, half-finished with a bowl of Campbell's clam chowder to my left, and Iphone to my right where in the background it's trying to sync to my computer for Itunes so I can finally have music again!
I just wanted to say how much I love you. It's not the same as last semester, but we knew it wouldn't be... and yet I don't want to think that either of the two were better or worse, because they have both been spent with you! My best friend, you grow closer to my heart every day, until I feel that you are so entwined by my adoration and love that we could never have been apart to begin with. I love you, Levi.
Some of my best moments this semester have been those random memories that are captured in snapshot looking back... you jumping up on the back of the church bus to get a picture of the storm one night after church... you wearing my scarf at Chili's on NW Expressway... shopping iwth you and Kendon at Daisy Exchange... Chinese food without a fork... getting in trouble for having TOO much fun in chapel... every time I can smile and wave at you in public.... opening a bank account together... all the tears, and sweet kisses, and wonderfully long hugs... just everything.... God has been so good, babe, so good....
Thank you for every day so far. Soon October will be ending, and the holidays will be here. Yay!!!! I am so excited. My first time in three years to be in the USA for them, and I can't wait. Bring on the eggnog. =D =D But as October ends, I remember that something this month last year, you and I really began our journey to being US...... and I can't help but smile deep deep deep down inside.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
Just wanted to remind you.
Hugs.
Your girl!
We haven't posted in this blog in a long while, as you mentioned the other day. I wanted to try to post when I found a minute, so here I am, with ten minutes to go till I need to be leaving for work, half-finished with a bowl of Campbell's clam chowder to my left, and Iphone to my right where in the background it's trying to sync to my computer for Itunes so I can finally have music again!
I just wanted to say how much I love you. It's not the same as last semester, but we knew it wouldn't be... and yet I don't want to think that either of the two were better or worse, because they have both been spent with you! My best friend, you grow closer to my heart every day, until I feel that you are so entwined by my adoration and love that we could never have been apart to begin with. I love you, Levi.
Some of my best moments this semester have been those random memories that are captured in snapshot looking back... you jumping up on the back of the church bus to get a picture of the storm one night after church... you wearing my scarf at Chili's on NW Expressway... shopping iwth you and Kendon at Daisy Exchange... Chinese food without a fork... getting in trouble for having TOO much fun in chapel... every time I can smile and wave at you in public.... opening a bank account together... all the tears, and sweet kisses, and wonderfully long hugs... just everything.... God has been so good, babe, so good....
Thank you for every day so far. Soon October will be ending, and the holidays will be here. Yay!!!! I am so excited. My first time in three years to be in the USA for them, and I can't wait. Bring on the eggnog. =D =D But as October ends, I remember that something this month last year, you and I really began our journey to being US...... and I can't help but smile deep deep deep down inside.
I love you, Levi Pierce.
Just wanted to remind you.
Hugs.
Your girl!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Birthday
Dear Levi.
Thank you for my birthday gifts. I just wanted to leave you a tangible thankyou..... it meant so much to me that you put a lot of thought into making my day special. I loved hanging out with you at the Cheesecake factory (mmmm foot massage ;))) and taking a walk in the park holding your hand, looking at the stars, being twirled in your arms, all the kisses. I love my Levi's shirt =) It is so comfortable! I find myself sleeping in it every night now because it's from you, and I want you near me =) Thank you for the roses.... I really wanted flowers and I am so happy =) They were beautiful =) The gift card? That surprised me. You are so thoughtful. I can't wait to use it, and go see your family in just a few weeks. The Starbucks.... you spoil me. =) Really, babe, you do. I am so grateful. I don't want you to ever doubt how much eveyr little thing meant to me. I find myself replaying memories of that day in my dreams. It was so blissful.... so so so blissful.
My best friend, I love you.
Please stay with me forever....
Thank you for my birthday gifts. I just wanted to leave you a tangible thankyou..... it meant so much to me that you put a lot of thought into making my day special. I loved hanging out with you at the Cheesecake factory (mmmm foot massage ;))) and taking a walk in the park holding your hand, looking at the stars, being twirled in your arms, all the kisses. I love my Levi's shirt =) It is so comfortable! I find myself sleeping in it every night now because it's from you, and I want you near me =) Thank you for the roses.... I really wanted flowers and I am so happy =) They were beautiful =) The gift card? That surprised me. You are so thoughtful. I can't wait to use it, and go see your family in just a few weeks. The Starbucks.... you spoil me. =) Really, babe, you do. I am so grateful. I don't want you to ever doubt how much eveyr little thing meant to me. I find myself replaying memories of that day in my dreams. It was so blissful.... so so so blissful.
My best friend, I love you.
Please stay with me forever....
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Death of a Friend
Zubi is dying. =(
Just like Tekel, when I was in college in Chicago. I remember the night my dad called me to tell me that he was on the way to the vet to put her down. I remember crying so hard, touched with the grief my dad was feeling himself, and overcome that I couldn't even be with her to get one last hug, on last look at her little sad eyes. You see my dachshunds were a gift from my dad to me, for my 9th birthday and for my 13th. Something that we both shared together. We picked them out together. They were ours.
Tekel died... and now Zubi will be put down this week.
Why do people we love have to die? It's awful enough to be alive on this earth, locking in a game of rules and circumstances we can't argue. And to find some small happiness.... in a friend.... and then have it taken away? It's such a deep hurt. A hurt I try not to remember, one that shattered my soul and drove me to question every bit of sanity that governed the rules of the game of life.
Loss..... why is it so enormous? Why does the grave echo so fathomlessly? Such an enternal blackness that reverberates with tears and wishes and longing that will always be in vain, never to be soothed, never to be filled.....
There's no going back, when death beckons and the bridge is crossed from mortality to immortality. No looking back, no farewell hugs, no last look in the eyes of the dear one we leave behind. One minute our life is securely locking with theirs, and the next.... we are floating along in the cold emptiness of a black lake, locked in fate, fate we had no control over ultimately.
I feel it is something that will always haunt me. I never got to say goodbye to Andrea. I never got to say goodbye to my old people in the Valpo Care nursing home. I'll never get to say goodbye to Zubi... wrap him in my arms one last time, kiss his little head, stroke his little paws, and see his faithful little eyes pouring into mine waiting for the sound of my voice.
I have been blessed, to have these deep happinesses in my life...... blessings which leave scars as they are mercilessly scraped from the futile clutch of my own dreams.
At least in heaven, I'll see the ones I loved, in the perfection of beauty as they always should have been...... But do you think that dogs really go to heaven? I wish I knew.
On Saturday, it'll be my 23rd birthday, and that day will hallmark 10 exact years since Zubi came into my life as the very best birthday gift. How cruel that it is on this week that his life flickers and sickens into the abyss of immortality... somewhere I cannot go. =(
Just like Tekel, when I was in college in Chicago. I remember the night my dad called me to tell me that he was on the way to the vet to put her down. I remember crying so hard, touched with the grief my dad was feeling himself, and overcome that I couldn't even be with her to get one last hug, on last look at her little sad eyes. You see my dachshunds were a gift from my dad to me, for my 9th birthday and for my 13th. Something that we both shared together. We picked them out together. They were ours.
Tekel died... and now Zubi will be put down this week.
Why do people we love have to die? It's awful enough to be alive on this earth, locking in a game of rules and circumstances we can't argue. And to find some small happiness.... in a friend.... and then have it taken away? It's such a deep hurt. A hurt I try not to remember, one that shattered my soul and drove me to question every bit of sanity that governed the rules of the game of life.
Loss..... why is it so enormous? Why does the grave echo so fathomlessly? Such an enternal blackness that reverberates with tears and wishes and longing that will always be in vain, never to be soothed, never to be filled.....
There's no going back, when death beckons and the bridge is crossed from mortality to immortality. No looking back, no farewell hugs, no last look in the eyes of the dear one we leave behind. One minute our life is securely locking with theirs, and the next.... we are floating along in the cold emptiness of a black lake, locked in fate, fate we had no control over ultimately.
I feel it is something that will always haunt me. I never got to say goodbye to Andrea. I never got to say goodbye to my old people in the Valpo Care nursing home. I'll never get to say goodbye to Zubi... wrap him in my arms one last time, kiss his little head, stroke his little paws, and see his faithful little eyes pouring into mine waiting for the sound of my voice.
I have been blessed, to have these deep happinesses in my life...... blessings which leave scars as they are mercilessly scraped from the futile clutch of my own dreams.
At least in heaven, I'll see the ones I loved, in the perfection of beauty as they always should have been...... But do you think that dogs really go to heaven? I wish I knew.
On Saturday, it'll be my 23rd birthday, and that day will hallmark 10 exact years since Zubi came into my life as the very best birthday gift. How cruel that it is on this week that his life flickers and sickens into the abyss of immortality... somewhere I cannot go. =(
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
a late night blog
hey there princess. i miss our blogs so much. so much history running through its pages... i love u with all my heart princess and i miss you so so so much. babe i know you cant breathe i can feel ur anxiety princess.. i thought about it all through work today and i prayed and prayed and i belive God gave me the phrase "round about" i cannot help but think of the old testament psalms and hear the cries of david as his enemies and the Devil seemed to be round about him. he had no where to move. no room to breath. just an onslaught of trouble. babe. dont give up as time seems to constrict. as class loads and fatigue and discouragement is enveloped round about you... truat God babe he will lead us through..
(KJV)Job 22:10-13, 21-23
Therefore snares are ROUND ABOUT thee, and sudden fear troubleth thee; [11] Or darkness, that thou canst not see; and abundance of waters cover thee. [12] Is not God in the height of heaven? and behold the height of the stars, how high they are! [13] And thou sayest, How doth God know? can he judge through the dark cloud?
...
[21] Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee. [22] Receive, I pray thee, the law from his mouth, and lay up his words in thine heart. [23] If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles.
Monday, August 20, 2012
August 20, 2012
Hey there busy man.
A new semester has started, and my last year here.
I miss you.
Love,
Noelle
A new semester has started, and my last year here.
I miss you.
Love,
Noelle
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Tranquility
Dear Levi,
Tonight we sat on the benches of our own seclusive park (the college campus) and watched a lightning storm under the tickling drops of rain on our skin. It was so lovely. =) Every memory with you is lovely... the happy ones and the painful ones... all of them are my story with you and I love my story with you.
I just wanted to say how peaceful I feel right now. Thank you for your gentleness on the phone when I called you this afternoon when I got thrown out of work early. I was scared and crying and upset but your voice was so infinetly soothing and gentle and absolutely unreal. Thank you, Levi.... I drove right to your apartments and parked outside and talked to you on the phone from a few feet away. =) Your magnet was pulling me. =)) How else do you think I heard the lawn mower? Silly Levi. I love you so much. I didn't come up because I knew you were just getting going, but I almost did. I love you so much.
Thank you for seeing me for those few hot minutes before you went to work. For just encouraging me and getting my focus right, and most of all, for praying with me. It helped. It changed my whole day.
And thank you for tonight... for the drinks, and the King size Recee's bar. Wow. =) You took me by surprise, and it felt so nice. I wish I could relate in mere words the depth of the emotion you gave to me tonight, but I feel my vocabulary is too shallow. I just wanted to say thank you.
It's so beautiful tonight, out under the lightning-lit, dark purple clouds. I feel like I am in my own little world, and it's so peaceful. I know that soon life will be crazy hectic again (try: tomorrow morning at 4am) but in these few stolen moments, I just wanted to pray for a while and read my Bible and write you. I found this verse in Philemon and it reminded me of you.
"I thank my God, making mention of thee always in my prayers, hearing of thy love and thy faith.. for the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." Phil 1:4&7
Thank you for being like Philemon to me. Thank you for refreshing my spirit and giving me the encouragement and strength to keep going, and to even smile and laugh.
I love you.
Tonight we sat on the benches of our own seclusive park (the college campus) and watched a lightning storm under the tickling drops of rain on our skin. It was so lovely. =) Every memory with you is lovely... the happy ones and the painful ones... all of them are my story with you and I love my story with you.
I just wanted to say how peaceful I feel right now. Thank you for your gentleness on the phone when I called you this afternoon when I got thrown out of work early. I was scared and crying and upset but your voice was so infinetly soothing and gentle and absolutely unreal. Thank you, Levi.... I drove right to your apartments and parked outside and talked to you on the phone from a few feet away. =) Your magnet was pulling me. =)) How else do you think I heard the lawn mower? Silly Levi. I love you so much. I didn't come up because I knew you were just getting going, but I almost did. I love you so much.
Thank you for seeing me for those few hot minutes before you went to work. For just encouraging me and getting my focus right, and most of all, for praying with me. It helped. It changed my whole day.
And thank you for tonight... for the drinks, and the King size Recee's bar. Wow. =) You took me by surprise, and it felt so nice. I wish I could relate in mere words the depth of the emotion you gave to me tonight, but I feel my vocabulary is too shallow. I just wanted to say thank you.
It's so beautiful tonight, out under the lightning-lit, dark purple clouds. I feel like I am in my own little world, and it's so peaceful. I know that soon life will be crazy hectic again (try: tomorrow morning at 4am) but in these few stolen moments, I just wanted to pray for a while and read my Bible and write you. I found this verse in Philemon and it reminded me of you.
"I thank my God, making mention of thee always in my prayers, hearing of thy love and thy faith.. for the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." Phil 1:4&7
Thank you for being like Philemon to me. Thank you for refreshing my spirit and giving me the encouragement and strength to keep going, and to even smile and laugh.
I love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)