Dear Levi Pierce,
I love you. I do not like that today was accented with pain and fighting. It makes me so, so sad. I want to make you happy always... and sometimes I fail. I'm sorry. I am trying to be more selfless; to be more trusting; to communicate better. It is a process... and we are both learning about each other... I just wish we never had any "bumps" along the way.
Thank you for your smile today. Thank you for looking at my computer. Thank you for talking to me, for trusting me when you got your grandma's letter, for listening when I talked, and for calling me and getting me to come out to talk to you... Thank you for not leaving me ultimately. I'm so scared that you'll be gone someday; I cannot afford to lose you. You are so, so precious to me.... more precious than my life.
I love you.
Rain, sun, birds, and time together.... such a good memory. =)
Your girl, forever,
Rigel
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Luigi, Me, and Levi
Today was a lot of fun.... a perfect Monday for a perfect week...
Valentine's Week =)
I'm glad that you are my best friend...
You make me laugh and smile, and make my days so much better.
Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.
I love you!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
just a never ending story of happiness
Pon and zi? ive never heard of them before babe, have you ever heard of danbo? its a japanese doll made of boxes their cute as well. I love you noelle, tonight is such a relaxing night, the week is over and i cant wait to see you tommorow babe. i hope you enjoy my story, feel free to re word it and make it sound better i am nowhere near a novelist :) sweet dreams princess, i miss you
Story time princess...
One day a boy named Ivel, Decided to go on a bus one saturday morning...
But It Never Came... So he had to take a turtle...
The turtle was such an uncomfortable ride, it zipped and zoomed across the country side. Suddenly out of nowhere, it begun to snow wildly and become sllippery, a perfect time for skating on the ice.
looking up, ivel noticed a certain young girl,, she seemed oddly familiar, a sense of comfort and warmth over came him. It was love at first sight, she intriuged him with mystery and captured his heart with her presence, but she slowly disappeared into the crowd, and Ivel became sad
Time went on, as it always did, life resumed although his heart stopped at the very thought of her. His heart was on the verge of an explosion, for he had feelings for her yet she was so far away and had no way to show his love for her. it had been so long since he had saw her,,, did she even feel the same way as him?
Distance soon wove their hearts together in a midst of trials, life and events. Although millions upon millions of miles encroached them, they couldn't be separated for they were to see each other again some how.
The plane ride was... torture, hours seemed like years, seconds seemed like 10 years and time slowed as he became closer and closer to his love. he longed to be close to his friend, for she was unique and precious to him.
And at last, his dream came true. His heart found its home, the comfort he felt the previous year on ice covered him like a blanket of clouds. He held her so close, never to let go again for he was afraid she would disappear into the crowd again.
Ivel didn't have much to offer his dear friend for he was broke, lost, and had nothing, so he gave what was left of him. She deserved his heart, it wasn't much but it was all he could give, and to this day it hangs around her neck.
And with all his heart he has loved her since...
To Be Continued..... :)
Story time princess...
One day a boy named Ivel, Decided to go on a bus one saturday morning...
But It Never Came... So he had to take a turtle...
The turtle was such an uncomfortable ride, it zipped and zoomed across the country side. Suddenly out of nowhere, it begun to snow wildly and become sllippery, a perfect time for skating on the ice.
looking up, ivel noticed a certain young girl,, she seemed oddly familiar, a sense of comfort and warmth over came him. It was love at first sight, she intriuged him with mystery and captured his heart with her presence, but she slowly disappeared into the crowd, and Ivel became sad
Time went on, as it always did, life resumed although his heart stopped at the very thought of her. His heart was on the verge of an explosion, for he had feelings for her yet she was so far away and had no way to show his love for her. it had been so long since he had saw her,,, did she even feel the same way as him?
Distance soon wove their hearts together in a midst of trials, life and events. Although millions upon millions of miles encroached them, they couldn't be separated for they were to see each other again some how.
The plane ride was... torture, hours seemed like years, seconds seemed like 10 years and time slowed as he became closer and closer to his love. he longed to be close to his friend, for she was unique and precious to him.
And at last, his dream came true. His heart found its home, the comfort he felt the previous year on ice covered him like a blanket of clouds. He held her so close, never to let go again for he was afraid she would disappear into the crowd again.
Ivel didn't have much to offer his dear friend for he was broke, lost, and had nothing, so he gave what was left of him. She deserved his heart, it wasn't much but it was all he could give, and to this day it hangs around her neck.
And with all his heart he has loved her since...
To Be Continued..... :)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Your Little Barnacle
Hey babe!!!
I just got back from the mall with Katrina. That was fun. =) She bought me Chinese food and the noodles were soft enough to eat. I listened while she told me about all 30 kids she's teaching, who she likes, who reminds her of people we know, who she thinks they will grow up to be, etc. Then she told me about what's going on in Jonathan's life so I would be up to speed with stuff they talk about (boss, coworkers, grandpa, etc). Then she told me that on Tuesday for Valentines, we're going laser tagging and then to IHOP!!! Oh, so happy!! =) I've never gone laser tagging.... but it sounds really fun! =) And I love IHOP. Pancakes..... mmmm.... bliss =))) Plus, I have a*m*a*z*i*n*g memories of my best friend and me hanging out there over Christmas break.... why do those days seem in another lifetime? o.O They were so wonderful. Thank you for those memories, baby.=)))
So this picture has been my background for a few days, and I wanted to share. I love Pon & Zi.... they are so precious. =) I'm youre little barnacle! I'm staying with you forever Levi.... pinky promise =) forever friend =) If you ever decide to run away you'd better run fast, I'll be the little puppy that's always following you around... Levi... Leevviiii.... come back!!! lol =)))
Mmmm babe.... only 12 Saturdays left!!!! It's EXACTLY three months left till the end of school, exactly 90 days!!! wow!!! PRaise God.....
I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Even an hour, with you, is worth its weight quadrupled in solid gold.... every second is so precious. You mean the world to me, Levi. Plus - if you take into consideration our time together on Wednesday - we've had a full two hours this week, just split up a lil. =) Sooo it's all good.... even though I'm terribly greedy. lol =P Mmm babe.... you're so addicting, you know that? =P
And I love you.
BUNCHES!!!!
This is just... a really random post... because I want to make you smile. You called me today and you were sooo happpppy and soooo cute!!! And mmm. I love it. =) You pulled my spirits right up into the clouds. It was amazing. Thank you babe =)
Hugs hugs hugs.
Just a few hours!!!!!! =)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Onslaught of Thoughts...
I remember the last time I ever had a run-in with the police, a serious one. It was in Pekin at Christmas exactly a year ago, just days before I arrived at Heartland. There was a glorious sledding hill, perfectly sloped, optimum incline, pristine with a foot of freshly-fallen snow. At the top was a cluster of pines; but the bottom was open all the way to a slow leveling up to the back country road. It used to be "the hangout" for high schoolers in Pekin to go sledding, but recently, a ritzy golf club bought the property and spent over a million dollars redeveloping the grass. Now, the hill was private property even though it still stood without any fencing, open and inviting, and there was even a big red sign that said No Sledding No Skate Boarding No Trespassing! Well, Brad and Andrea used to sled there as children so they wanted to dare it; I was wildly adventurous, and I thought breaking the law was so much fun... I mean really, who cares? Well, the patrol car that came by and saw us cared for sure. He lectured us for a good half hour, wrote down all our information, and since we were all over 18, threatened to give us 1,000$ fines. Wow... I remember the fright. He was realllllly mad, furious even, because we'd taken a picture with our sleds next to the No Sledding sign... haha we were so stupid, but it was fun.... I can sympathize for the poor guy. He only refrained from filing the tickets when we found out that I was a missionary kid.... Praise God, or else I would have lost the money my dad gave me for my downpayment on five stupid minutes.
I remember the time before that. Also in Pekin.... the first night that Brad lost it with Andrea, dragging her into the dark.... slamming the door.... leaving me crazy with terror. I ran... I grabbed my knife, flew through the screen door into the sunset, and ran as far as my legs could carry me.... I remember the phone calls, ringing and ringing... first Andrea's number, then Andrea's mom's, then Brad's... the voicemails, the threats... And the sound of sirens surrounding me, filling the night, lights flashing into the dark heavens, bouncing off the ancient brick of the cathedral hiding me.... I remember them waiting for me when I was dragged back to the house, at an insane hour of the morning, I remember the questions and threats and the psychologist... I remember the sickness that burned my body and seared my soul with permanent scars.
I suppose it shouldn't be a huge shock to me that once again I'm doing something stupid and getting in trouble with the police, but.... it stings. I thought I had learned my lesson, thought I'd grown up a bit since those days.... I'm so ashamed. Worse, I dragged you into it in my own way, and I'm never going to forget that knock on the window that jolted me from heaven to earth faster than a falling thunderbolt....
I'm tired. I'm not going to lie. I'm sick and tired of the rules. Of the strain. Of trying so hard not to get near the edge of what's allowed, and hating that restraint... I'm tired of hurting alone. I'm tried of not being there for you in a tangible way, the way it tears me up when your voice is tired and your face haggard, and I have to deny myself the right to wrap you in a hug.... I'm tired of it. I'm weary of second guessing every person that glances at me in the hall, in the dorm, at church.... I'm weary of the confines of my dorm.... I'm weary of school work due every morning, and the heavy load of responsibility waiting for me each night at work... I'm sick and tired and in my heart, rebellion is forming a deep little hole, rising in the wake of my waning courage.
Today for PSD, I had to do a report on 1 Cor 9:24-27. This verse is underlined and highlighted multiple times in my Bible, for its one of my life verses. I quoted this passage like a mantra in high school, in the University and that first semester at Chicago.... It drove me. It was the spark that inspired me to learn to run, to excel at cross country, to run farther and harder than anyone else... to define a perfect 4.0.... to work full-time and still be asking for more hours.... It was the core of my passion, it was my self-discipline.
What can I say? Those verses say it all. Yeah, everyone tries. But only a very few people succeed. And I always wanted to succeed... I always wanted to be the very, very best... But it's a commitment. You have to set yourself for it. You have to count the cost, make the sacrifices. You have to run knowing that it's going to hurt, but keep running. For the sheer joy of it. For the shining goal at the end.You have to keep your eyes focused. You can't look at the other people lagging behind and slow down because of them. You have to push yourself, and push yourself when you're tired, and push yourself when you're ready to quit, and just tough it out and keep running... keep running... one lap, twenty, fifty, a hundred, three hundred... as many as it takes, until your body explodes from the power of it all.
I need you, Levi.
I'm scared. I'm shaken. I'm alone. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm in love with you. Every fiber of me needs you, so badly....
I keep thinking about everything we talked about in the car, so I won't forget. Having other friends to help us. I just need to find someone I can vent to, who can encourage me and support me and hold me accountable to be strong. I want to make that list, goals each week, goals to focus on, so I don't see the pain and exhaustion in my life so much.... I need to pray more. I need to ask God forgiveness for my pitiful performance so far. I know better; and He's not happy with me. I need to just cling to his Word, and just... draw my strength from it, rather than depending on you all the time for my happiness. Because you're tired too, and sick as well at times, and because I love you I share your pain... so it's hard. And I just need to run. I need to get up, and stretch the old muscles, and drink some gatorade, and go run. And burn through the fat of complacency, and burn through the pain as the muscles break down, and burn through the exhaustion, and burn through the sick pleasure of the second wind, and just run... Just run. Run, and keep running. To take my body and my mind and my spirit and my hopes and dreams and fears and bring them under me, into subjection. To fight, and fight well... not uncertainly, like someone just swinging wildly and drunkenly into the air; but with focus, with precision, and when I miss... to shake it off, and put back up my gloves, and swing again and pray I'll smack the living daylights out of that boxing bag.....
This is just a bunch of my thoughts from today. This semester is ALMOST halfway over!! And I don't want to look back with regrets, Levi. I think we will.... if we don't change, we'll always look back and say, "well, we made New Years resolutions but.. yeah.... I mean, we tried, but..." And I don't want that. That's pitiful. That's unacceptable... I want to look back with pride. I want to look back with a sense of success, a sense of accomplishemnt.... I want to look back like we won something, Levi. You and I. Like an amazing team, pulling the other through the hard time, encouraging the other to never give up... No matter how infuriated and frustrated I get, no matter how tired and fed up you get... to just keep running.... to keep fighting... to keep doing our very best.
I think that's what God wants of me. I know He deserves that of me. I know I have it in me, or I did once.... and I want this semsester to find that strength again, Levi. I want this semester to make me stronger. Really stronger. And better. And brighter. And sweeter. And more in love with God. And closer to Him. And more faithful to what I know, know, in my heart is right
And if I can do that,.... then this summer I'll be someone who is maybe almost even worth being your girlfriend, someone ready to start out on the amazing adventure of an official, public relationship....
More than anything else, I want to be a positive addition to your life this semester.
And I need your help, babe.
I love you.
Tebya lublyu! Ochen ochen. =)
Your girl, always and forever......
I remember the time before that. Also in Pekin.... the first night that Brad lost it with Andrea, dragging her into the dark.... slamming the door.... leaving me crazy with terror. I ran... I grabbed my knife, flew through the screen door into the sunset, and ran as far as my legs could carry me.... I remember the phone calls, ringing and ringing... first Andrea's number, then Andrea's mom's, then Brad's... the voicemails, the threats... And the sound of sirens surrounding me, filling the night, lights flashing into the dark heavens, bouncing off the ancient brick of the cathedral hiding me.... I remember them waiting for me when I was dragged back to the house, at an insane hour of the morning, I remember the questions and threats and the psychologist... I remember the sickness that burned my body and seared my soul with permanent scars.
I suppose it shouldn't be a huge shock to me that once again I'm doing something stupid and getting in trouble with the police, but.... it stings. I thought I had learned my lesson, thought I'd grown up a bit since those days.... I'm so ashamed. Worse, I dragged you into it in my own way, and I'm never going to forget that knock on the window that jolted me from heaven to earth faster than a falling thunderbolt....
I'm tired. I'm not going to lie. I'm sick and tired of the rules. Of the strain. Of trying so hard not to get near the edge of what's allowed, and hating that restraint... I'm tired of hurting alone. I'm tried of not being there for you in a tangible way, the way it tears me up when your voice is tired and your face haggard, and I have to deny myself the right to wrap you in a hug.... I'm tired of it. I'm weary of second guessing every person that glances at me in the hall, in the dorm, at church.... I'm weary of the confines of my dorm.... I'm weary of school work due every morning, and the heavy load of responsibility waiting for me each night at work... I'm sick and tired and in my heart, rebellion is forming a deep little hole, rising in the wake of my waning courage.
Today for PSD, I had to do a report on 1 Cor 9:24-27. This verse is underlined and highlighted multiple times in my Bible, for its one of my life verses. I quoted this passage like a mantra in high school, in the University and that first semester at Chicago.... It drove me. It was the spark that inspired me to learn to run, to excel at cross country, to run farther and harder than anyone else... to define a perfect 4.0.... to work full-time and still be asking for more hours.... It was the core of my passion, it was my self-discipline.
"Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain!"
"And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible"
"I therefore run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway."
What can I say? Those verses say it all. Yeah, everyone tries. But only a very few people succeed. And I always wanted to succeed... I always wanted to be the very, very best... But it's a commitment. You have to set yourself for it. You have to count the cost, make the sacrifices. You have to run knowing that it's going to hurt, but keep running. For the sheer joy of it. For the shining goal at the end.You have to keep your eyes focused. You can't look at the other people lagging behind and slow down because of them. You have to push yourself, and push yourself when you're tired, and push yourself when you're ready to quit, and just tough it out and keep running... keep running... one lap, twenty, fifty, a hundred, three hundred... as many as it takes, until your body explodes from the power of it all.
I need you, Levi.
I'm scared. I'm shaken. I'm alone. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm in love with you. Every fiber of me needs you, so badly....
I keep thinking about everything we talked about in the car, so I won't forget. Having other friends to help us. I just need to find someone I can vent to, who can encourage me and support me and hold me accountable to be strong. I want to make that list, goals each week, goals to focus on, so I don't see the pain and exhaustion in my life so much.... I need to pray more. I need to ask God forgiveness for my pitiful performance so far. I know better; and He's not happy with me. I need to just cling to his Word, and just... draw my strength from it, rather than depending on you all the time for my happiness. Because you're tired too, and sick as well at times, and because I love you I share your pain... so it's hard. And I just need to run. I need to get up, and stretch the old muscles, and drink some gatorade, and go run. And burn through the fat of complacency, and burn through the pain as the muscles break down, and burn through the exhaustion, and burn through the sick pleasure of the second wind, and just run... Just run. Run, and keep running. To take my body and my mind and my spirit and my hopes and dreams and fears and bring them under me, into subjection. To fight, and fight well... not uncertainly, like someone just swinging wildly and drunkenly into the air; but with focus, with precision, and when I miss... to shake it off, and put back up my gloves, and swing again and pray I'll smack the living daylights out of that boxing bag.....
This is just a bunch of my thoughts from today. This semester is ALMOST halfway over!! And I don't want to look back with regrets, Levi. I think we will.... if we don't change, we'll always look back and say, "well, we made New Years resolutions but.. yeah.... I mean, we tried, but..." And I don't want that. That's pitiful. That's unacceptable... I want to look back with pride. I want to look back with a sense of success, a sense of accomplishemnt.... I want to look back like we won something, Levi. You and I. Like an amazing team, pulling the other through the hard time, encouraging the other to never give up... No matter how infuriated and frustrated I get, no matter how tired and fed up you get... to just keep running.... to keep fighting... to keep doing our very best.
I think that's what God wants of me. I know He deserves that of me. I know I have it in me, or I did once.... and I want this semsester to find that strength again, Levi. I want this semester to make me stronger. Really stronger. And better. And brighter. And sweeter. And more in love with God. And closer to Him. And more faithful to what I know, know, in my heart is right
And if I can do that,.... then this summer I'll be someone who is maybe almost even worth being your girlfriend, someone ready to start out on the amazing adventure of an official, public relationship....
More than anything else, I want to be a positive addition to your life this semester.
And I need your help, babe.
I love you.
Tebya lublyu! Ochen ochen. =)
Your girl, always and forever......
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